And so it continues .........

[kml]

Awesome about the new job - the hours should make it easier for you to expand your social life, and go to night school if you decide to.

[Sotto]

Oh wow - fab news! I just read Upside's update (she and her XH MLCer just remarried.)

One thing she said which resonates - we get better at picking ourselves up and dusting ourselves off - so true. It still isn't easy - but easier for sure.

Good luck with everything Lou xx

[Bee29]

Hi Lou,

I haven't read your thread for a few weeks now and I'm sorry to find out how the things turned out. I am sorry but, I must say, not surprised. There was something in your posts that made me recall my situation when my h "came back" (it was not exactly the same situation as we lived together then but came back to marriage. I wish I knew about MLC then what I know now! ). I did not post anything to you because I wanted to believe that your situation will turn our differently. Well, he was not ready...

But, it is true that when they leave the second time, it's somehow easier. Hurts, but less and much shorter period. Just yet another experience...

Congratulations on the car and the job! And hopefully apartment soon.

Stay strong. You have two wonderful boys who I'm sure make you happy. Focus on you and them now.

[LouR]

Hi everyone,

Its been a really hard week and my head has been filled with so many jumbled thoughts and emotions, all bouncing around, one minute up and the next down, generally down tho' and that is why I feel the need to get them out or they will just fester away ......which I know is not healthy and will lead to bigger problems. Its long, so I do apologize and for those who have the stamina and oodles of spare time to read it, I thank you xoxo

Thoughts:
After BD1 I sunk in to a pool of mess, totally distraught and destroyed, my heart broken and I could not work out how I was going to survive or live. It took me a year to get myself together enough to function, and even then it was only because I was thrown in to doing it. I was still very much hurting and moving though the days, feeling sad, down and stressed.

Then he came back in to my life, he changed it, he gave me hope, a reason to keep going forwards. I loved having him back in my life, I looked forward to hearing from him, our friendship grew, we laughed, we joked, we flirted, we talked, he listened, he supported. But all that time I still felt like I was just moving through the days, that life held no joy in it, it was just ….life …. a year later he crossed the line from friendship in to relationship and my emotions and feeling crossed the line with him. (I know we say keep expectations at zero, but that is so much easier said than done when you have him in front of you saying and doing everything he can to make you fall in love with him again).

So now I have BD2, it’s been 3 weeks since he left and whilst I am in control of the practical side of life; a job, car etc, the feelings of grief, the worry over what the future holds for me and even just how I am going to get through the day is very much present and causing me pain, sadness and stress.I wake up in the morning and go to bed at night with an empty, nausea feeling in my stomach, I am emotional and the feelings and tears bubble up from the depths without notice. I can’t seem to find joy in life …..on reflection I am not sure that it ever came back after BD1, I just found a way to live with the “down” feelings.

I don’t feel its depression, I function on a daily basis, I interact with others, I have hopes and dreams for the future – taken on board kml’s idea of making a dream board, I have a large one and am going to put different things on it; pictures of things I would like to have, places I would like to visit, ideas of what I would like my future life to look like. Inspirational quotes on it to look at every day and I will change them periodically. Photos of my children, friends and fun times. It will hopefully serve as a tool to help me carry on breathing.

I can’t see HOW anything is ever going to change, I live pay check to pay check, I don’t earn enough to save anything to make a difference, I am doubting myself more and more; perhaps my mother was right; I am not academic and I am not pretty, so what hope do I have? I did not complete High School (mother said I was not clever enough to continue so took me out and packed me off to be a live in nanny) and I attracted a broken man into my life. It makes me even more conscious of how unattractive I must be when people say to me “he is lucky you did not find someone else” when he came back in to my life, and now its “ you can move on now, you will find someone else in no time”. Um ... it was not luck on his part I did not find someone else, it was that I had no interest from anyone else – the only ones I got was a man from my childhood declaring he has always loved me, but he creeps me out, and a guy at my old job who has asked all the female staff out, wanting no more than a quickie –ugh.

I can’t see another man in my future, for one, I am still hung up on h, I still believe this is not him(especially after seeing glimpses of the kind, loving, caring guy he used to be) and maybe this touch n go is a sign to hang in there a while longer and he will attempt again, I have read that a touch n go is sowing the seeds for reconciliation, I don’t know if this is true, I feel all it did was confirm to him that he was right; that he has no feelings for me anymore (other than care and love from history and me being the mother of his children). I also feel that no one else will find me attractive now, I am not how I used to look; 2 babies belly, older, lack of hair, yeah really appealing!

I am struggling with motivation to complete my course. I was granted a re submit for the assignment I failed while h was here, and I was also granted a special consideration extension so I can get my last assignment done. I passed the “failed” one on second attempt, but am having a problem finding the enthusiasm to do the last assignment – I set time aside for it, have written some notes etc, but I end up looking at a blank screen. I have even started writing it and deleted it all as I had written complete waffle and it was off topic. I just can’t seem to get my head in the game.

I know I am supposed to give myself some slack, after all I am dealing with BD2, a new job (that’s another story) and a college assignment due next week. But if I don’t get my head in the game soon then I am likely to create more problems for myself and make life even harder than it already is.

My new job: Oh wow, well I normally enjoy a challenge, but maybe I have taken this one on before I can actually deal with one!! The retail party shop side of it is great, I am enjoying that. I have been learning balloon art which is fun. I have tied and twisted hundreds of balloons this week for all sorts of events, even a helium balloon in a box for a baby gender reveal, so that was really special. BUT the event hire side of things is another story – it’s learning a computer system and I am not great with technology on a good day, so this has been a real challenge. After 3 days I was going out at lunch time and sitting in a car park in tears, sobbing, not wanting to go back to work. I am not sleeping well, my stomach is in knots, and I dread going back tomorrow to face the demon once again. I understand the process (booking, pick up and return) but putting it in action is another thing and it does not help that this is their busiest time of the season and customers are wanting stuff and wanting it NOW. They are also asking so many questions I don’t know the answer to and they are used to having competent knowledgeable staff rattle of prices and information to them. I have been told they expect me to be proficient enough to be basically independent by the end of this week – they need me to be as their senior customer service member will be on maternity leave from Christmas and then it will be just me and a student (who leaves in Feb). So any tips for how to master a computer programme quickly I would be really grateful for

So that’s what has been filling my head. Too much. It’s heading toward 3 years of feeling down and living with fear, mostly financial worries really – if I was financially secure I don’t think I would feel half as bad as I do.

Thank you for letting me get my rambling thoughts out of my head, not that they have left, but I figure it’s better than keeping them stored to myself.

Xoxo

[Sotto]

Ah Lou, it's not surprising you feel this way my lovely. BD2 was so recent - and whilst you are in a stronger place than before - it still takes time and isn't easy. But if you keep moving forward it will get easier - we are all here as testament of that. Last night I went out with my divorce group chums and we were all talking about what a difference a year makes. This can be the case for you and you can look back at the end of 2017 and see how far you have come.

For now, I would say focus on the basics - working, eating, sleeping, staying financially afloat....and let yourself grieve.

For the computing stuff, are you able to take some time to make yourself a simple crib sheet? I love to have things on a 'grab' a4 guide - press this, then press that. Also, do have a chat with them if you feel thrown into the deep end and maybe arrange an IT 1-1 with a supportive member of the team to help you get up to speed. When you are feeling so distressed at lunchtime and not feeling you want to go back in is the time to seek help from your employer - I'm sure they wouldn't want you to be feeling that way at all.

You've made significant progress already. When you feel able, you may want to set yourself some achievable goals to move forward in coming months. Also, do practice self-care. When I feel anxiety levels going up and have trouble sleeping, I increase the meditation, yoga, walking and other soothing activities to settle myself.

Take care Lou - it's a rough patch - and you will get through it and brighter, easier times will follow.

((((((((Big hugs))))))))

[job]

Lou,

I think Sotto has given you some very sage advice. I agree w/her in the fact that you need to focus on the basics and allow yourself time to grieve. It's going to take some time for everything to sink in and work through what has happened, but I know you can do it.

If you are feeling overwhelmed at your job, then you need to speak up. You are only human and have recently been hired for the position. Don't be afraid to reach out to people. No one is perfect and I'm sure others will be more than happy to help you get your footing. Computer software can be a challenge and if you aren't familiar w/the software...seek out an IT support person. Maybe they can offer you a quick class/overview of the software to help you feel more comfortable w/it. The crib sheet is an excellent idea.

Lou, be gentle to yourself and do not try to be super human right now. Just be yourself, ask for help when you need it and absolutely give yourself time to grieve.

Please take care of yourself.

[bttrfly]

Whoa whoa whoa baby, you have to slow down here.

I get it, Lou. I GET IT. But look at your feet, babe. That's where you are. Today may not be the most comfortable day you've ever had, but projecting into the future while you are here is sure to only make it more uncomfortable for you, not less. You have a ton on your plate right now. Let's look at what we can move off, shall we?

1. You do not need to know or see how anything is going to change. That is not your job. That is the Universe/God's job. So, turn that over and breathe.

2. The event side of your job. Is there any way at all to break it down into micro steps? Go in with a pad of paper and write the process out IN YOUR WORDS, in a way that makes sense to YOU.

3. Let's grieve the man who just left before we think about another man. I don't mean to sound harsh and I know that you aren't 'looking for a replacement' ... I feel the same. Hey - I was almost 5'10'', 134 pounds and a size 4 when he married me. I was also 29, had no grey hair, no wrinkles and no cellulite.
Now? I'm the same height. No idea what I weigh as I'm terrified to get on the scale after what I've done to myself over the past few months since our court date. I'm wearing a size 14 and it's tight. I have about 5-10% grey hair which my darling supportive husband freaked out about and insisted that I color. Now I do that for myself, not for him. Wrinkles? Well, these fine lines around my eyes weren't there two years ago. I not only have cellulite; my cellulite goes to an annual convention at various spots around the country and sends me postcards.

BUT: My stbxh doesn't look the same either. He's balding. He has more grey than me. In fact, he looks 5 -10 years older than me rather than the 5 years younger he actually is.

My point is this baby girl: any man worth having will overlook any superficial imperfections. I know how hard it is to believe that in your present state, but trust me on that, ok?

4. The school thing: Nothing for that doll except roll up your sleeves and write. Just do it. One sentence. Leave. Come back and write another sentence.

Whatever it takes or, maybe just withdraw? Is that something you feel comfortable doing? It's not about your intelligence or abilities right now Lou. It's about giving yourself a break here and tackling only what you can handle.

ALSO: What's up with the thyroid? Stress will screw up your TSH counts. According to my doctor anything over 4 means you physically are not able to think critically. Get that squared away and you will feel better, I promise you.

----


Honey I also think that what's going on here is a bit more complicated than him leaving again. That's bad enough, but I feel like it's also re-opened the core wounds from your mom. I'm sure she was trying to be helpful when she said those hurtful things to you, but Lou ... when I read your posts I see the real you: a beautiful, sensitive, kind soul who puts those she loves first, sometimes to her own detriment. I see a woman who has an inner strength that is awesome. You are so very much more than you tell yourself you are. I wish you could see what I see. Do you forget that you went from not having a job in years to doing the most menial job in the joint and in short order moving up to the point where you ran your section brilliantly?


So ... in the spirit of keeping it truly in this day, you are many hours ahead of me, in the early hours of your Monday right now. Hopefully dearest you are resting and not awake.

I understand how stressful retail is, esp at Christmas time as I at one point managed a store in a high end mall a thousand lifetimes ago. Christmas is hell on retail workers. Again, do the best you can. Rest when you aren't working. Breathe. Grieve. Allow yourself to feel whatever it is you are feeling. Keep posting. YOu've helped me so very much on my journey. I hope some of this long (sorry) post helps you too xoxoxoxo {{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}

[kml]

Second on the thyroid: stuff- slowed thinking, poor short term memory and difficulty with math are all hypothyroid signs.

[HaWho]

Lou - thank you for posting an update. I was thinking about you.

Many, many bright people have stress over using a computer. In addition to Sotto's great ideas about a cheat sheet, don't be afraid to tell customers you are new and ask them for patience. Most people understand!

It does sound like you have some anxiety overall and understandably so. If it's not thyroid based, there is no shame in trying an anti-anxiety medication to get you through this rough patch.

As for your FOO issues, like Bttrfly said, those are re-surfacing so they probably need a fresh look. All that is on your m, not on you! When someone hands you an emotional grenade, you certainly don't hold onto it. You dump it ASAP...

You will re-build again! We know you will. We are cheering you on.

[bttrfly]

also darlin' try some flower essences .... you've had a shock - star of bethlehem or rescue remedy xoxoxo