MLCers tend to avoid people with illnesses and/or people near death because it reminds them of mortality. Oh, they may call or text to inquire how you are feeling, but many of them will not be there to support you.
How do you use to the techniques? Well, for starters, you need to keep the focus on you and your family. If and when he contacts you, be civil and/or pleasant. Listen to what he has to say and validate what he says. Do not argue w/him about things. If something doesn't sit well w/you, you can say "I'm sorry you feel that way" or "I'll have to get back to you later because I need to think about what you are saying". You can also tell him that you need to go and get off the phone. Keep conversations on safe topics such as the children, etc. Do not bring up the relationship or why he left. I would even venture to say that you don't bring up your own medical situation unless he asks. Do not ask a lot of questions...the more you listen, the more you'll be able to pick up on his thoughts and what he's doing. They do love to talk...so let him.
If he comes over, make sure you have something really delicious baking in the oven. The aroma will stay w/him after he's gone. You want to be his lighthouse in the storm and you can't be that if you are begging, pleading, talking relationship talks, etc. The more you push, the harder they pull away.
I don't know if you've been reading the threads here, but I would suggest you start doing so. There is a wealth of info in each of the threads. Continue to post your questions and please stick to one thread until you've reached 100 postings/replies. You can also change your Subject Line within a thread at any time.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hey Sosad. I'm so sorry this has happened, but glad you found your way here. This place was a lifesaver for me. I get that there are so many mixed feelings involved when this happens to a family. Job is right; at their ages your kids can figure out how they want to deal with their father. I will go one step further, though. As moms, we want to make our children not hurt; we want to make their pain go away. Yet we are in a huge amount of pain and confusion and anger and grief all tied up in a constantly morphing ball. Our comfort, safety and future just blew into a million pieces with BD. So, here's where I get to tell you not to do what I did.
Its tempting to talk to your kids about their father and what's going on. After all, they are the ones that know him best after you, right? Everyone else who hears what has happened won't know the good things about him that would make him worth standing for...only the kids will understand, right? So tempting...but don't. As much as they are adults, they will always be "children" in their heads when it comes to their parents. Both of you. So, first and foremost, you need to find supportive people (IC and really close friends or relatives...and this board) to vent to about all of your feelings, good, bad and awful, and all of your ideas and theories about what happened and what you can do so that you don't accidently vent it to the kids.
GAL and focus on you. We all struggle with it, but it is soooo necessary! GAL does not mean to schedule so many activities that you exhaust yourself, although in the beginning of all of this, it does help to keep your mind busy and be tired enough to sleep. Get SELFISH. Go do the things you've always held back on, the things you felt guilty about doing for whatever reason. The things that will make you feel good because you want to do them. Eat that cheesecake, buy new clothes (if you have depression diet effects, you'll need it), climb that mountain, train for that marathon (Feyth is the ultimate GALer) or just go watch a movie that YOU wanted to see...by yourself. Binge watch a tv show on Netflix with a giant bowl of popcorn.
Then, when your adult children need mom, be mom. Be their rock. Tell them you're coping, and really no more. Show them you're ok...tell them about your GAL adventures. Try not to speak ill of their dad...its tempting...but just shrug and let them know, he's on a journey. They should still love him as their dad, even when he is acting unloveable and...weird.
Early on, I tore my own kids up, pumping them for info on what my H said or did, telling them how sad I was, showing my devastation, asking them why he woud do this, and telling them things he had done that were devastating to me. That's a big "DON'T". I've had to work very hard to regain my footing as mom, the person they could come to for comfort. And that's what they need to see. I've found that being that honest mom who was always open to her kids because we could share everything and had "that kind of relationship" was not the wy to be in crisis. They really just want to know that we, and thus everything else, will be ok. Even as adults. So in this instance, we really need to fake it 'til we make it.
Post often, share often, and we will get through this together. DR is a great guidebook...you'll find re-reading parts through this journey will have different meaning as you hit different phases. Carry on, Sosad. It gets better.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
Thank you Job, he doesn't call me or come over and he doesn't ask me about my depression or how I am so that's not a problem:( The few occasions when I have met him to hand over his post after it has piled up here for weeks, we do talk about the kids but he can't help himself but say something he knows will make me sad then I do well up and just excuse myself and leave...I have read all the threads many times and I think I know what I should be doing for the most part but I am still very emotional if he is cruel. I keep trying to find a stable balance. For now I have decided not to contact him or see him until I think I can do it without being emotional. I have blocked him from my phone so if he needs to contact me he will have to email. I need to grow a hard outer shell before I can see him again. I understand what you are saying about the kids, ciluzen, but I have already made the same mistakes you did with them. I have pulled myself together though in the last few months. I told the boys (D has gone NC with her father) that if my H brings up our relationship (which he always tries to do)to tell him that that is for him to discuss with me and not them so they don't get caught in the middle and so they don't have to hear the rubbish he tells them. I have definitely been on the depression diet and for once in my life I can eat away without feeling guilty:) I now weigh the same as I did in university. I guess there is an upside to this nightmare...but I think I would rather be fat and happy than thin and sad! I have started a charity in Tanzania at a local school and have been out there twice already. I have been to see my mother and my mother-in-law (who is very supportive), who both live in different countries, and I have taken an upholstery course and hoping to do a technical drawing course soon. So I am starting to GAL but, at the moment, I feel like I'm just going through motions and unable to enjoy it much as I still struggle with my depression most days. If you see a weepy middle-aged woman wondering around London...it's me! Gotta pull myself together...
Hi Everybody, I've had a few good days just doing a bit of Christmas shopping and seeing friends but feeling quite low again this morning as I haven't heard a peep from my WAH in over a month now. I had blocked his number on my phone but he could still mail...don't know if he has tried to text me or not as he isn't aware that I blocked him. Should I continue to leave him alone and wait for him to contact me? This is the longest he has gone without sending an email or text.... Could really use some advice, please
I'm sorry that you are feeling a bit down, but you will have ups and downs along the path and that's why it's called the rollercoaster of emotions. It's a one step forward, two step process.
You may not hear anything from him for a while. They do tend to disappear for days, weeks, and even months. Why? Because they are out there discovering the world of no responsibility and having what they consider fun, just like teenagers. Eventually, he will contact you, especially if he wants or needs something from you.
Have you given any thought to unblocking his number on your phone? It might be a good idea to do so in case of an emergency, but that's up to you. As for contacting him, I would leave him alone and allow him to come to you. Don't worry...he still thinks of you, especially at night when all is quiet in the world and he has no distractions to focus on.
Continue to focus on you and your family for now. When he's ready, he will contact you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you Job for your reply...I have just unblocked him again. I guess I find it hard to believe that he can lie awake at night and think of me when he seems to have no care for me at the moment and when he is lying next to a twenty-something instead of a fifty-something. How am I even supposed to compete with that? It really hurts to be replaced by a newer younger version...I have always keep myself fit and looked after myself and still he walks out on me...am I just supposed to ignore the other woman?
There is absolutely no comparison between you the ow. Sure, she might be younger, but that may get old very quickly when he can't burn the candle at both ends and when the finances get tighter and he can't spend money on all the things that she may want.
You are his wife. The woman who has lived w/him for many years, you know him and what he's thinking, you were his friend, companion, lover and supporter. You are settled, independent and wiser than the ow is. Don't sell yourself short...you have a lot to offer in this day and age. You are the prize and if he's foolish enough to think that he ow loves him, he will be greatly mistaken down the road.
The ow is just a Band-Aid to what ails him right now and that's his ego and yep, acting like a teenager. Don't be foolwed by the way he's acting, i.e., happy as a clam, because he's not. He's searching for something and that search is all about finding himself. The person that was emotionally stunted as a young child/young adult. He's gone back to that time to try to find himself. Hopefully he navigates his crisis well and returns to a mature, self assured man and comes to his senses and realizes what he has lost along the way.
Yes, they do think about us, especially at night. They try very hard to block us out of their memories and they tend to compartmentalize things...but when it's quiet and there is nothing to occupy their minds, that is when the guilt of what they've done to us creeps in. They even keep cards, letters, emails, wrapping paper, etc., when we give them things. They say that they've tossed the stuff away, but many of them don't. They remember more than we think they do, especially around holidays and special events...so, do not for one minute think that he doesn't think about you because he does.
Continue to be you. Be that self assured woman that you are and continue to look after yourself. Don't allow the ow to have space in your head unless she's renting. She's not worth it. Think positive and breathe!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Just the pep talk I needed right now, Job, thank you so much! My middle son just met WAH for 20 min to discuss jobs...S22 is job hunting atm. Didn't get any useful info about job but H told him that he felt he was in touch the children same as before he ran away so it hasn't changed his relationship with them????...I cannot understand how he can even think that..he used to be so involved with their lives, spent all the holidays with them, was on the phone with them at least once a week when they were away at uni. Since he has walked out 7 months ago he has seen D20 once for 30 min, S22 fours for 20min at a time and S26 once or twice a month for 15-20 at a time. What is wrong with his memory? Does he not remember how important they were to him and vice versa? We did so much together as a family...
Your h thinks the world revolves around him. When they leave, the spouse, children, pets, etc. are all but forgotten. In his mind, everyone is fine and dandy w/him walking out the door and not staying in contact. It's all part of the depression/MLC. You are trying to make rational out of irrational/emotional thinking.
Right now, it doesn't matter to him how happy he was in the marriage and with his family. Doing things together pre-crisis doesn't matter to him because in his mind he's been a very unhappy camper for a long time. You know how the marriage and family life was...so put those happy memories in a box and store them on a shelf in the closet. Bring that box of memories out when you feel down. Don't allow him to serve up the Kool-Aid that they life to serve up every now and then. You know what was real and what wasn't.
I suggest that you read up on depression. It can really serve up some whammies when it comes to memory and how people feel. Depression affects men and women differently. Depression is the main ingredient of MLC and you will see and hear things that do not make a whole lot of sense to you...but to him they do.
Last edited by job; 11/09/1608:59 AM. Reason: Added a link to another thread
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Job - the link is a real eye-opener, thanks! What I don't understand is, I have major depression and am completely aware of that and have taken steps to try to deal with it. However, I believe that my WAH is in a manic depression so why is he not aware of it? My younger brother suffered from depression and finally committed suicide when he was 26 and he knew he was depressed and tried for many years to help himself. Why is H not taking steps too help himself? How can he not see what everybody else sees?
M55 WAH54 S26, S22, D20 BD 01/17 Moved out 04/17 Still floating in space...
