Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 11 1 2 3 10 11
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 45
S
sosad55 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 45
This is my first post. My husband and best friend left 7 months ago. We have been married for almost 28 years and together for 33 years. I am 55 and he 54. We have 3 great kids, S26, S22 and D20. BD was on Jan.28 and WAH moved out Apr.3. I was absolutely shocked and devastated, thought we had a wonderful close relationship. He has had almost no contact with me and the kids during this. I ended up in hospital twice for depression where WAH visited me 3 times but was very distant. I have done all the wrong things, crying, pleading, etc. It just made him run even faster into the arms of a very young girl waiting on the sidelines. Now I have gone NC as it just hurts too much to see him like this. I cannot seem to get over the loss. In the beginning he said confusing things to my kids such as 'if I come back things will have to different" and 'maybe mom and I will reconnect in the future". Fast forward 5 months and now he seems very certain he isn't coming back. He and his young GF are traveling all over the world and spending loads of money on dinners, hotels, etc. I miss my husband so much and realize without a doubt that he is in a MLC. The kids are missing him too as he seems to have no interest in seeing them or talking to them. I have read so much about MLC in the last 9 months and I know what I should be doing but I cannot seem to get over my depression and get on with my life. I think about it all the time and I am so sad all the time. How do I move on when the love of my life is gone? I really need some advise on how to deal with this...

Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
job Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
Welcome to the MLC Forum. I'm sorry you are here, but we've got a lot of wonderful people posting here who will be happy to come by and visit w/you, i.e., support you, give advice and/or opinions, as well as just to talk about life in general. So, I'm going to paste Cadet's Welcome Posting here for you to begin some brand new homework. Read as much as you can about MLC and depression and if you have any questions, don't hesitate to ask them.

Here's Cadet's Welcome Posting:
OK so that means MORE homework.

Welcome to this board.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD,
Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)

I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.

This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.

I would start with the going dark link.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post50956

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2537289#Post2537289

Resources thread(last post only)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2592296#Post2592296

Things you should know as the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2701017#Post2701017

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Doormat Tactics
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1942444#Post1942444

Standing vs leaving
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1966340&page=1

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

Musings from AmyC
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2253741#Post2253741

MLC Signs
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2177869#Post2177869

The Final Stages Withdrawal to Acceptance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2074403&page=1

Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.

I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources.
You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.

Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!

Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.

I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.

Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you!
Start your homework assignments.
Something to DO while you are on moderation.
GAL.
Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath.
In general take care of your self first.

Detach the single most important thing to DO.

Your H/W has given you a gift
THE GIFT OF TIME
use it wisely

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon

_________________________
Me-62, D30,S28

Top


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 461
E
Member
Offline
Member
E
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 461
Hi sosad55,

I am sorry you are going through this, but here you are among people going through similar situations, who will support you. Post often, read, and do the welcome post homework. I also suffer from depression and discovered that exercise helped me a lot. Not only to look better (which helps on its own) but it worked better than antidepressants.

Good luck


"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"

“There is freedom waiting for you,
On the breezes of the sky,
And you ask "What if I fall?"
Oh but my darling,
What if you fly?”

-Erin Hanson





Joined: Jul 2016
Posts: 1,065
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jul 2016
Posts: 1,065
Hi Sosad55, sorry you find yourself here but as Job and Esame say this is a very good place for you to be to receive support.

Your H definitely seems to be on a high with OW, however as you know what goes up must come down. They won't be able to sustain such an expensive and time consuming lifestyle for long unless you failed to tell us that your H is a Hollywood superstar with pots of money! One day they will have to come back to the reality of ordinary life and a bunch of debt!

As Job and the others will say, you need to let him go. Not give up, but let him go on his own journey and in the meantime you should also go on your own journey to live your life as best you can without him for a while.

You don't say what happened at BD. Could you expand a little more?


Me - 47
H - 45
D-16
M - 6 years
Separated - May 16

Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 3,925
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 3,925
Hi Sad

I know how hard this is
try to take good care of yourself
try to eat and rest exercise -get support and therapy
many women have traveled this road and it seems when I was going through it I had so much support

Keep an eye on the bank accounts..as hard as it is it may be the time to get some legal advice especially if hew is blowing through a ton of money and traveling the world
The MLC will overspend and go in debt-

My XH had a thriving business that he and his younger OW put in the grave-
Keep posting
this site has a wealth of information and a lot of supportive folks-


married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 45
S
sosad55 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 45
Thank you so much for your support Job, Esame, Coly23 and Peacetoday, I really appreciate it. I have a few amazing friends and my kids who have all been there for me but the loneliness inside follows me everywhere I go...

Coly23 - a couple of months previous to BD, my husband had been more quiet than usual especially over the holidays but when I asked him what was bothering him he just said work...Then when we got back from our Xmas holidays with the kids he booked himself in to have eye surgery as he felt his glasses made him feel old. The bomb drop was two days after his eye surgery. I know he was very very stressed about the eye surgery as they had to do both eyes at the same time which he had not anticipated. I also had got strange texts from him whenever
a famous person died..David Bowie, Alan Rickman, Victoris Woods and finally Prince. I live in London so you may not have heard of a couple of them. The last text, Prince, was sent at 6:30am after he had moved out and it said "Prince 57.....s**t!!!". I had also found a couple of selfies on his phone he had taken of his thinning hair and wrinkles before he moved out. So there was definitely a concern about aging. The month before he moved out he also started to keep his phone on him 24/7 and was googling some strange 'romantic' things on his computer (yes, I was snooping then coz I was trying to figure what was going on as he denied that this had anything to do with another woman). On the day of the BD, he left for work as normal, texted me a few times during the day about the kids because they were coming home that weekend and he wanted to know if we were doing our usual pizza night with them. Then he went to his therapy session in the afternoon, came home in the evening and was acting very strange, sat in the middle of the kitchen with an odd look on his face. When I pushed him to tell me what was wrong he finally started crying and said "if I tell you you might not want to be with me, I feel like I'm going crazy". So we went for a walk and then he said "I love you but I not in love you anymore, I think I should move out for a month or two or a year or two years!" I was so shocked, did not see that coming in my wildest dreams. The kids and I all begged him to stay and try to work on it...he refused any kind couples therapy saying it was too late but agreed to stay for a while to see if he felt any different. Over the next two months he just got more and more strange and distant. Yelling at our boys when they tried to reason with him..."I need SPACE, SPACE, SPACE...I know I might loose all you guys but I feel I have to do this or I will go crazy" Finally I told him I thought he should move out for 3-6 months to sort his head out. He left with a few clothes, his golf clubs and his computer....Wouldn't tell any of us where he was moving to and we only found out three months later that he only lives 5mins away from our house. That was 7 months ago now... Initially, he said he had been unhappy for a couple of months, then it became, 6 months, then a year, then two years and finally he started bringing up stuff that had happened even before we got married??? Everybody is certain he is having a MLC even his own family but he thinks he has finally found his "happiness"...and there is no reasoning with him! I miss him so much as we were really close and I am so scared he won't come home to us. I know I can forgive him because I really do believe he is not right in the head right now. His personality has changed to the exact opposite of what it was. He was an amazing father and husband and now he has no interest at all in me or the kids.

I know I need to get on with my own life and I am trying but...

I have read everything that is on the web about MLC and know what I should be doing but I still break down and cry every time it hits me with how little care he has for me and the children. This was the man who loved his family more than anything and was always telling people how proud he was of us!

I cannot stop thinking about how I can 'wake him up" but I know deep inside that he has to do this himself.

We have a property development company that is doing well but we had a another company that we had to shut down a couple of years ago because it wasn't making any money and it had become too stressful for my husband to run two companies at the same time. I was relieved when we shut it down because I knew how much it was draining my H but I know he felt like he had failed and was very disappointed that he couldn't make it a success. He is a real Alpha male and believes he is the only one who can get things done so he takes a lot of responsibilities on his own shoulders. That has changed too as I don't think he is doing much work in between all the traveling. He is pushing to sell our family home but I am stalling as I figure that he can't spend bricks and mortar. Besides I don't need anymore big changes for me and the kids right now!

I could really use any insight you guys have on how to deal with him so that I don't make this situation any worse than it is already. The few times I have actually met with him over the last 7 months (you can count it on one hand) I try to be friendly and cheerful but then he will say something insensitive and I well up...

Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 760
Likes: 1
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 760
Likes: 1
Hi sodad.... I'm really sorry that you have found yourself here. Sadly, you're story is all too familiar. I know just how crushing this all is.

As others have mentioned....exercise, sleep, take care of yourself and your children. It's not an "easy" feat by any means and won't "solve" anything...but it's a start to getting yourself back on your feet.

Read all you can on the subject (MLC/ Marriage/ communication) and then read some more. Look at things you want to change/improve about yourself (your psyche). I used divorce remedy as a textbook and highlighted passages to read over and over. I also took snippets of learnings and wrote my own synopsis of how each of those components played out in my life. I have tons of index cards that I would just review over and over and over and over. You do kind of need a systematic approach to this so your emotions don't get the better of you.

Again, I'm so sorry you are going through this. We're here for you.


Me- 30's H- 40's
T-10 M-5
I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15
D filed by H: September 16
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 45
S
sosad55 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 45
Hi Feyth...thank you
I am wondering how my kids should be dealing with their father. I have so far told them that they need to deal with him the way that they feel comfortable. D20 has completely cut him out of her life and told him clearly that she wanted NC with him while he is behaving this way. S22 has limited text contact with him about practical stuff. S26 sees him about once a month for a 10-15 coffee. He is the only one of the children H will meet with and only for a limited time. H excuses himself after 15 minutes saying he has to get back to the office. S22 is very hurt/angry that his father never asks to see him. I really hurt for him as he always felt his dad had his back before and now he gets nothing...I guess my question is should they try harder to get closer H or just wait for H to contact them?

Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
job Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
I'm sorry that he's acting the way he is...but he's the one that has to figure out how to rebuild the bridge between himself and the children. Your children are old enough to determine what they want to do with respect to any type of contact w/their father.

I would suggest that you be there for them, listen to them, but don't attempt to fix the situation between them and their father.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 45
S
sosad55 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 45
Job

Yes you are right...they are old enough to choose how they want to deal with their father. I do worry about the boys because they don't even want to talk about their father anymore. D20 has at least protected herself by NC so she has no expectations of hearing from her father whilst the boys keep hoping he will contact them...
I am reading the DR book and think it is great but how do you use any of the tools when you have almost NC with H bar the odd short email that just relates to "can you pay this or sort that?"
I have so many questions....he has run even further away since he found out I had been hospitalized twice for severe depression
and I don't know how to bring him closer again...

Page 1 of 11 1 2 3 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard