I know I don't belong in the MLC area but the other ones get so little traffic and I could really use some advice...
Backstory, About 2.5yrs ago I came here because my husband had walked out on me. I was 6 months pregnant with our third child and he had met someone else and moved in with her in a matter of two weeks. A LOT of bad things happened, he said things about me that were horrible and treated me and my older boys (from my first marriage) badly. This was his second affair during our short marriage. I also found out that our relationship started as an affair! I had no clue, and that he had cheated on his first wife (together 14 yrs) more than once. The OW kicked him out after 3 months due to him flirting with ANOTHER person via text. This happened two days after our third child was born and so he moved back in with me. Three months of he## followed where my husband lived on my couch, randomly ahowed me signs of love/affection/intimacy but cried & begged OW to take him back. I finally had enough and kicked him out. Raising five kids on my own scared me but I was done watching him cry over the OW. After just a few short weeks he "decided" he wanted our family and asked to come home. We tried a few therapists but none of them supported our efforts to try and make it work. Everytime I talked to a new therapist and explained the backstory they would encourage me to leave. Fast forward a year later and I found out he was having another emotional affair and sexting prostitutes. Even going to far as to pay for oral sex twice. I said I was done but he couldn't leave. I told him I wasn't raising five kids on my own, especially since our youngest was born with a rare genetic condition that requires a LOT of work to keep her alive... (She has Glycogen Storage Disease type 1A)
It's been almost 9 months since the sexting/prostitute stuff and I am stuck. I'm miserable, my husband desperately wants to make our family work and I just don't have the same feelings for him. From the outside our marriage looks perfect, I am close to some moms from our twins preschool and up until a month ago they had NO CLUE about any of our history. I opened up to two of them and they were SHOCKED, saying we looked like the perfect family.
We don't really fight. My husband is very conflict avoidant and I just get sad, not really angry. There are so many days I feel like I'm reliving the he## all over again. Something small triggers the emotion and I spiral out of control emotionally reliving ALL the pain.
Me: 35 husband:39 Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage Twins 5 (boy/girl) Daughter 3 Affair bomb 2/27/14 He moved in with ow 3/13/14 OW kicked him out 6/15/14 4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction
Welcome to the MLC Forum. You are more than welcome to post here and please don't feel like a stranger. Okay? I'm going to post Cadet's Welcome Posting here for you.
Welcome to the MLC Forum. I'm sorry you are here, but we've got a lot of wonderful people posting here who will be happy to come by and visit w/you, i.e., support you, give advice and/or opinions, as well as just to talk about life in general. So, I'm going to paste Cadet's Welcome Posting here for you to begin some brand new homework. Read as much as you can about MLC and depression and if you have any questions, don't hesitate to ask them.
Here's Cadet's Welcome Posting: OK so that means MORE homework.
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.
This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first.
Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
_________________________ Me-62, D30,S28
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I know I don't belong in the MLC area but the other ones get so little traffic and I could really use some advice...
It's been almost 9 months since the sexting/prostitute stuff and I am stuck. I'm miserable, my husband desperately wants to make our family work and I just don't have the same feelings for him. From the outside our marriage looks perfect, I am close to some moms from our twins preschool and up until a month ago they had NO CLUE about any of our history. I opened up to two of them and they were SHOCKED, saying we looked like the perfect family.
We don't really fight. My husband is very conflict avoidant and I just get sad, not really angry. There are so many days I feel like I'm reliving the he## all over again. Something small triggers the emotion and I spiral out of control emotionally reliving ALL the pain.
First I want to say that you should post where ever you are going to get feedback...
It might not always be geared to your situation but that is ok. You use what you can and disregard the rest.
Triggers will keep coming unless and until you deal with them.
Your signature line says that he has gotten help with his sexual addiction...
Is he still working on that?
Do you believe him?
Trust is the easiest thing to lose and the hardest thing to regain...
Why don't you have that same feelings for your H? How would you describe how you feel towards him? And how to you believe you would like to feel about him in order to make the M work?
I know...lots of questions...
The answers, while they may change over time, are important to decide what steps to take...
People know where to find me if this is to personal of an outlet...
I will be at work this evening but will check back...
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Twinmom I'm so sorry about your situation. I don't have a lot of advice, mainly because I'm not sure what exactly it is that you need advice on, is it on piecing or on handling your anger towards your H? I don't really have much experience on either, but reading the last paragraph of your post I remembered that in several books I came across the "no fighting" as a bad thing, possible bad communicating or something? Sorry I cannot remember in more detail, it was towards the beginning of my journey.
I hope someone more experienced can come along to offer support.
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
I, like esame, am not sure if you are asking for input or just venting.
34, xw33 M-10, T-18 2D (8 and 5) Ilybinilwy-1/16 EA/PA- 7/15-present (with my former best friend) Trial apartment-2/16 (also when she considers us separated) W moved out-8/16 W Filed 11/21/16 D final 1/30/17
I guess I'm asking, "How do I make myself love him again?".
We live about 45min away from a large city, he has been to one meeting of a group like AA but for sex/love addicts and joins in on a conference call for this group about once a month. No therapist in our area takes it seriously. It's like he is addicted to the "first love" feeling & once that is gone he cheats/relationship hops to feel it again.
Do I believe him that he wants to make it work? I don't know, I guess I do but I'm so cautious at this point.
Do I want to make it work? Yes, but for reasons like the kids, financial, comfort of not putting myself in a new relationship.
I don't know how to see him for the person I fell in love with because that person was a lie.
Me: 35 husband:39 Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage Twins 5 (boy/girl) Daughter 3 Affair bomb 2/27/14 He moved in with ow 3/13/14 OW kicked him out 6/15/14 4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction
I have to say, sadly, I'm not surprised. Your H has serious problems and this is not something that marriage counseling can fix. He needs serious individual therapy and a 12 step program for sex addiction. Unless he is doing this, his claims to want the marriage are meaningless. Actions, not words.
I seem to remember you're not in the States, is that correct? Here the 12 step program is called SLAA. His chances of changing are slim, but they're pretty much zero if he's not in a program like that.
Is there really no other option than having H live there? Could he live nearby and you have a roommate or family member live with you to help out? I understand that finances are probably difficult. But it seems to me that your mental health would probably be better if you didn't have to interact with him in the same house all the time. Have you at least consulted with a lawyer to see what your finances would look like if you divorced, and checked with social services to see if you would qualify for any assistance if you were divorced?
How do I feel about him? Most days I view him like a room mate. Sometimes I feel attracted to him & desire him physically but those days are few and far between. My love language is physical touch, I crave it more than anything else. So most days I do want him to touch me but not because I love him just because I'm a "needs touching" kinda girl....
Me: 35 husband:39 Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage Twins 5 (boy/girl) Daughter 3 Affair bomb 2/27/14 He moved in with ow 3/13/14 OW kicked him out 6/15/14 4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction
We are in the US. No family is willing to help with the youngest. Not even babysit.. they are "too scared" to take care of her. Family was pretty much no help even before she was born. Yes, I've had the numbers run & it's not great for me.
Originally Posted By: kml
Hi Twinmom, good to hear from you again.
I have to say, sadly, I'm not surprised. Your H has serious problems and this is not something that marriage counseling can fix. He needs serious individual therapy and a 12 step program for sex addiction. Unless he is doing this, his claims to want the marriage are meaningless. Actions, not words.
I seem to remember you're not in the States, is that correct? Here the 12 step program is called SLAA. His chances of changing are slim, but they're pretty much zero if he's not in a program like that.
Is there really no other option than having H live there? Could he live nearby and you have a roommate or family member live with you to help out? I understand that finances are probably difficult. But it seems to me that your mental health would probably be better if you didn't have to interact with him in the same house all the time. Have you at least consulted with a lawyer to see what your finances would look like if you divorced, and checked with social services to see if you would qualify for any assistance if you were divorced?
Me: 35 husband:39 Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage Twins 5 (boy/girl) Daughter 3 Affair bomb 2/27/14 He moved in with ow 3/13/14 OW kicked him out 6/15/14 4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction
Hi Twin, it's always good to see an old friend posting - though I'm sorry circumstances are such that you feel the need to post ((((hugs)))),
You may find BluWave's postings in Newcomers helpful - not sure if you have spotted her already? I will post some more, but I'm all dressed up as a witches cat here and about to go dancing..
Tomorrow is very busy too, but I should have some more time on Wednesday and will look in on you then. I think this is a good area to post and many wise people post here, so I hope that will be useful for you. It's good that your H is taking some steps to address underlying issues I think and seems to want to do what is needed to rebuild things...
Welcome to this part of the forum xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
he has been to one meeting of a group like AA but for sex/love addicts and joins in on a conference call for this group about once a month.
Not enough. He can do an online 12 step group but meetings should be at LEAST once a week - usually the protocol for addicts in any 12 step program is 90 meetings in the first 90 days.
I'd do your own research too to make sure there's not one close enough for him to visit in person, and like I said, there are plenty of 12 step meetings online, I'm sure he can attend several different ones if needed but he HAS to do a heck of a lot more than once a month! If he tells you he can't find them he's lying. Does he have a sponsor? How often does he speak with his sponsor?
You're asking how you can get your feelings back for him, and I'm telling you, you CAN'T unless he is actually taking the steps needed to fix his problem. THIS IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM, it's his. And if he's not avidly pursuing the solution (i.e. very very active in working the twelve steps with his sponsor, "attending" a meeting online or in person at least once a week, etc.) then he's not sincere and you have no business trying to get those feelings back.
I have a friend who attends meetings at least 2-3 times a week and they are at various locations. In some areas, they hold them during the day, evening and weekends. Your h isn't putting forth 100% in attending meetings. Meeting online is okay, but actually going to the meetings is a much better step in the right direction.
Your h isn't being sincere w/you if he's not attending more meetings than once a month and working w/his sponsor. Until he's going and doing the hard work, you won't be able to trust him, nor eventually get your feelings back for him. You didn't break him, therefore you can't fix him.
Last edited by job; 10/31/1604:43 PM. Reason: Edited to remove Al-Anon suggestion
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Job - just to clarify, he's not drinking, he's a sex addict. But all the rest still applies - he needs to be working his 12 step program.
Also, Twinmom - is your 2 year old not stable enough with cornstarch feedings? Could you hire a home health nurse to babysit? Or maybe you could make friends with another mom in your area with a special needs child, and train each other how to provide care for the other's child, and trade off childcare sometimes?
I'm sorry I mixed up the issue here. But, I do still agree w/kml that he needs to be working the 12 step program and there should be more meet ups than just once a month. He's just not ready or maybe unwilling to do the necessary hard work to keep this addiction in check.
Please continue to post.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
She is fairly stable with 4 hour cornstarch but the problem is that sometimes she doesn't want to drink it so we have to do a g-tube feed. And no one will check her blood sugar. She even knows the steps but family members won't do it. Also my flipping mother gave her applesauce one day while I was showering. She knew better & I FREAKED out on her. Blood sugar went over 350 & then plummeted to 30!!!!
I need to look and see if there is a program closer. I guess in my opinion he still doesn't want to admit it controls him. He wants to believe he can just stop because he wants to. I don't believe that & I guess I'm scared one day he will come home and pack his bags again.
[
quote=kml]Job - just to clarify, he's not drinking, he's a sex addict. But all the rest still applies - he needs to be working his 12 step program.
Also, Twinmom - is your 2 year old not stable enough with cornstarch feedings? Could you hire a home health nurse to babysit? Or maybe you could make friends with another mom in your area with a special needs child, and train each other how to provide care for the other's child, and trade off childcare sometimes? [/quote]
Me: 35 husband:39 Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage Twins 5 (boy/girl) Daughter 3 Affair bomb 2/27/14 He moved in with ow 3/13/14 OW kicked him out 6/15/14 4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction
Sorry the family is so useless .....grrrrr. (Fwiw......technology for a blood sugar monitor that doesn't involve a skin prick is just a few years away).
How is your H with her? Is he trustworthy enough to be left with her? If not, then sadly, staying in the marriage may be safer for her than unsupervised parental visitation in a divorce. I know a couple women with gluten sensitive children who can't get their ex's to follow the gluten-free diet when they have the kids.
I don't trust your H as far as I could throw him, and I think you do need to keep a Plan B in mind. Nonetheless, if the best outcome is H actually recovering from his addiction and the marriage being repaired, then I suggest you set the expectation that he be truly working on his problem. Show him what the path back to you looks like: meetings at least once a week, several phone contacts per week with his sponsor, complete transparency with his phone, email etc. I also recommend for you the Alanon book The Courage to Change.
Also, you need a support group of other moms dealing with this disease. Make sure you take advantage of any online groups; parents will be your best source of practical advice.
Lastly....know that none of this is about you. He's an addict. You didn't break him and you can't fix him. He has to be willing to do the work.
As best you can, pay off debts and squirrel away savings, some of it hidden so that if he does take of suddenly, you can get by until the courts make him pay support.
As for your feelings towards him.... they will probably come back IF he does the work.
It's late but I wanted to thank you for your advice. I do have passwords / code to phone & email. He doesn't really use email. Phone code is pretty much worthless because he can just delete texts as soon as he gets them.
He is a WONDERFUL father. He cares for the little one as well as or better than I do. He gets up every night for her 12am & 4am cornstarch. He is the one who takes her to all Dr appts. He gives the kids baths at least as many days as I do. He does all the laundry, sweeps the floors, cleans bathrooms, loads dishwasher, cuts the grass, grocery shops.... besides this whole stupid f'ed up addiction thing he is pretty amazing. The most painful part for me is knowing he didn't fall in love with me, I was just another "fix" for him.
Me: 35 husband:39 Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage Twins 5 (boy/girl) Daughter 3 Affair bomb 2/27/14 He moved in with ow 3/13/14 OW kicked him out 6/15/14 4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction
Twinmom, I just wanted to let you know that you shouldn't be feeling like another fix for him as I believe that at some point your H believed in your relationship otherwise he wouldn't have married you. He probably believed that you could help him change, but as KLM and Job have stated you DIDN'T break him. Only him can sort himself out, unfortunately to me it does that he is not putting much effort into improving himself.
Yes he is good father and helps out maybe because out of guilt or if he doesn't help and you kick him out where would he go?
As for your feeling you have been betrayed and the trust is gone. At the moment it might be that you are in a protective mode as you don't want to get hurt again. I have not much experience, but what is your inner voice/ gut feeling is telling you? From all the posts you have written, you have your head well screwed on and I think that deep down you know what is right for you but are holding back because of fear. Raising 5 kids on your own would certainly be hard, and with your daughter's condition you might be entitled to have someone to help you.
At the moment I feel you need to nurture you and heal you. Maybe in time your feelings will come back but as we have all been told here actions speak louder than words if he really want to work on your marriage and better himself.
Yes, I don't believe you were a 'fix' either. In fact, he is staying and doing some hard work right now and that is because he loves you and wants your family to stay together.
Xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
So emotional, my grandmother pretty much raised me. She was a life long Cubs fan who passed away three years ago. My greatest childhood memories are listening to Harry Caray on WGN. 10 years so I bought my grandmother an ingraved paver at Wrigley with her name on it.
My H is also a HUGE Cubs fan. (So is my ex-H, lol) I have been crying both happy tears & missing my grandmother like crazy.
H booked me a spa day for tomorrow as I've been so anxious during these games. It was very nice of him. I guess this is his way of comforting me?
Go Cubs Go!
Me: 35 husband:39 Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage Twins 5 (boy/girl) Daughter 3 Affair bomb 2/27/14 He moved in with ow 3/13/14 OW kicked him out 6/15/14 4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction
I echo the other posters in the fact that I do not think you were a "fix" for your h. I do think that deep down, he truly loves you and the children. Like all addictions, they are hard to break and it's possible that you've been his crutch that has allowed him to stay afloat and not hit bottom. I know you know this, but I'll say it again...many addicts won't do the hard work until they've lost everything and have hit bottom. I wish that I could offer you additional advice on your situation. I will ask just one question...has he ever considered locating a rehab facility that deals w/his type of addiction? Maybe he needs to be in a structured facility to get the proper help he needs.
I do hope that you enjoy your day at the spa. Relax, enjoy and hopefully recharge your battery today.
Take care.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you everyone. I've had an emotional few days! The Cubs winning has brought out a lot of emotions & memories. I'm going up to Wrigley Monday to pop a bottle of bubbly on my grandmother's brick. (She was cremated so no grave site to visit)
H hasn't hit rock bottom & I know it's because I'm still here. I don't know if he will truly get the help he needs without hitting bottom. BUT, I'm so scared of taking away the stability, calmness & overall life the kids enjoy.
H has always DONE things for me, even while living with OW he would bring me coffee when picking up the kids. He would even throw in a load of laundry right after he first left.
He still doesn't flirt with me the way he did with the OW (the one he lived with). He tells me he loves me, thanks me for taking care of the kids & helping out financially but it's like he just can't bring himself to flirt with me.
Me: 35 husband:39 Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage Twins 5 (boy/girl) Daughter 3 Affair bomb 2/27/14 He moved in with ow 3/13/14 OW kicked him out 6/15/14 4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction
I feel so stuck. Sometimes I feel like running away. I see/know the pain that a WAW causes so I stay and I go through the motions of another day. I truly do not know how to make this better without causing pain to the kids.
H truly believes he is 'strong enough' to control his addiction. Is he right? Who knows, but even if he isn't cheating we aren't making our marriage better!
Right now I'm so stressed/angry/frustrated... we had to redo the kitchen because of water damage from a leaky dishwasher. New cabinets are in but because I picked quartz countertops they won't be in for another 3 weeks. I have no sink & no countertops. I refuse to cook Thanksgiving like this... well H has 4 siblings & parents who live within 25 minutes of us and my mom lives 5 minutes away. No one has offered to host! I am so angry that EVERY holiday I cook (and purchase the food) clean & host everyone but now that I can't no one will step up?!
I made reservations at a nice restaurant downtown Chicago for us. I'm nervous H will invite his family along. (We will then pay for them & I don't want to spend $$ on people who obviously don't care about us)
Me: 35 husband:39 Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage Twins 5 (boy/girl) Daughter 3 Affair bomb 2/27/14 He moved in with ow 3/13/14 OW kicked him out 6/15/14 4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction
Can't let every thing going wrong in your life make you think you have a bad life. That negative sentiment override is kicking in and will tear you apart.
Few things: We had a leak in the kitchen and had to redo it. It was at the worst possible time. I had just started a new job that required me to travel for training and Our oldest daughter just started walking. The leak was under the slab so we had to cut a large hole in the slab to get to it. Demolished kitchen (gutted), hole in the slab. Blowers everywhere trying to dry out the drywall, etc. you get the picture.
Truth is, I'm not sure there is ever a good time to go through that but, it did force us to get that new kitchen that we had always wanted and planned to eventually do. It was all worth it when it was done.
With regards to the family...since nobody stepped up, perhaps it would be a good time to say "due to the fact that our kitchen is being renovated, we can't host thanksgiving this year. Myself, H, and the kiddos will be going to _____ downtown for dinner this year. Everyone is more than welcome to join. Please let me know if you would like to be there so I can adjust the reservation."
Something else....if h's family didn't care, why would they voluntarily come?
34, xw33 M-10, T-18 2D (8 and 5) Ilybinilwy-1/16 EA/PA- 7/15-present (with my former best friend) Trial apartment-2/16 (also when she considers us separated) W moved out-8/16 W Filed 11/21/16 D final 1/30/17
Can't let every thing going wrong in your life make you think you have a bad life. That negative sentiment override is kicking in and will tear you apart.
Few things: We had a leak in the kitchen and had to redo it. It was at the worst possible time. I had just started a new job that required me to travel for training and Our oldest daughter just started walking. The leak was under the slab so we had to cut a large hole in the slab to get to it. Demolished kitchen (gutted), hole in the slab. Blowers everywhere trying to dry out the drywall, etc. you get the picture.
Truth is, I'm not sure there is ever a good time to go through that but, it did force us to get that new kitchen that we had always wanted and planned to eventually do. It was all worth it when it was done.
With regards to the family...since nobody stepped up, perhaps it would be a good time to say "due to the fact that our kitchen is being renovated, we can't host thanksgiving this year. Myself, H, and the kiddos will be going to _____ downtown for dinner this year. Everyone is more than welcome to join. Please let me know if you would like to be there so I can adjust the reservation."
Something else....if h's family didn't care, why would they voluntarily come?
If I invite to restaurant we will pay for them. They (4 siblings, plus each has a significant other, 2 nieces & MIL / FIL) have never paid for a meal out when H & I are there. They even go so far as to just pass the check to us or get up & leave.
Me: 35 husband:39 Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage Twins 5 (boy/girl) Daughter 3 Affair bomb 2/27/14 He moved in with ow 3/13/14 OW kicked him out 6/15/14 4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction
His family seems to be all about appearances. It has been 32 days since his mom saw the kids, it has been almost 5 months (Lilly's birthday in June) when any of his 4 siblings have seen the kids.
BUT if you talk to them they all go on and on and on about "FAMILY IS EVERYTHING!".
We live 25 minutes away and for the past 4+ years every time we have gotten together it has been for a birthday/holiday or my H offering to take his parents/siblings out for dinner. Not once has his mom ever just asked to come see the kids
Me: 35 husband:39 Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage Twins 5 (boy/girl) Daughter 3 Affair bomb 2/27/14 He moved in with ow 3/13/14 OW kicked him out 6/15/14 4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction
I would say something like this: "Due to an unforeseen leak in our kitchen, we are in the middle of remodeling the kitchen and it will not be completed until after Thanksgiving. Therefore, we will not be hosting Thanksgiving dinner at our home this year. You will need to make other arrangements for the family dinner this year". Leave it at that and you don't need to tell them what your plans are. They are all grown adults and can either figure out how to bake up a Turkey or go out...but that's not your problem.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you, I think I will actually cut & paste that into a group text message. But I'm still stressing that H will cave & invite them to join us.
I really need to remind myself to relax & not stress over stuff that hasn't even happened yet.
Originally Posted By: job
I would say something like this: "Due to an unforeseen leak in our kitchen, we are in the middle of remodeling the kitchen and it will not be completed until after Thanksgiving. Therefore, we will not be hosting Thanksgiving dinner at our home this year. You will need to make other arrangements for the family dinner this year". Leave it at that and you don't need to tell them what your plans are. They are all grown adults and can either figure out how to bake up a Turkey or go out...but that's not your problem.
Me: 35 husband:39 Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage Twins 5 (boy/girl) Daughter 3 Affair bomb 2/27/14 He moved in with ow 3/13/14 OW kicked him out 6/15/14 4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction
Hi Twin, sorry to hear about your kitchen...and I agree, when it is done, you'll be so glad & really appreciate it. I would like to say that, as so many of us are - you are much blessed in many aspects of your life. I find it really does help me to practice gratitude and focus on the good things - and not to overwork the challenges....they will unfold and resolve in their own time and way too.
WRT to your H's family - it sounds as though you harbour some resentment there. That's yours to own I think - on the basis that - they will do what they will do. It's up to you how you choose to respond - and if that is with resentment - that's for you have a look at perhaps.
In terms of Thanksgiving - I'd be tempted to lighten up that message a little - something along the lines of - We'd love to host Thanksgiving as usual this year, but due to a leak in the kitchen, we're remodelling and it just won't be possible.
You could also say - Our family plan to dine out at X this year and you are more than welcome to join us. Tickets/meal cost will be $50 per head if you are interested and let us know by X if you'd like to come along.
I can't see that offending anyone and you're letting them know there would be a cost to them if they want to join you. If they don't - well you can have a nice, and quieter time with just immediate family.
I found Codependent No More useful for dealing with some of the areas you're posting about - where others expect things, you do them, you resent it etc...it may be worth considering perhaps?
Hope this helps anyway and I hope your lovely kitchen will be ready soon. Xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I am sorry you find yourself here again. You don't know me, but I was reading your sitch here a couple years ago. We were going though several hardships at the same time and I found strength and courage in you. I started posting this year and my H has been back for 1.5 years now.
While he was by no means a serial cheater, I do struggle with similar feelings/fears as you. I actually trust my H and that he made this one mistake, but I continue to miss what we had or what I thought we had. Will I ever feel in love/safe with him again? What if I don't, can I live a life with him? I want this to work and what is best for my family, but how long do we go on living with this level of detachment? Perhaps you can relate to some of this too?
It's difficult. I don't have all the answers. I have come to accept that it is okay to not have all those answers. Right now I am making a choice each day to stay because 1. I believe he is a good man, father, and H. 2. It is best for the children and our family unit. 3. It is best logistically for our finances and schedules. 4. As unromantic as it sounds, I believe in the institution of marriage. So while I am at a standstill in the piecing process per se, I am perfectly okay with staying as things are.
In terms of your H being a serial cheater, love/sex addict, etc, well I do not know a lot about that. If it is a similar psychology to alcohol/drug addiction, then I do believe people can change. That change does have to come from within and it does take consistently over time. I don't think it's your job to force him to get that help, however that doesn't mean you have to throw out ulitmatums. If his "addiction" is not having a frequent negative impact on you and the family, then I don't think it would behoove you to try and force him to get help.
So what can you do? I think you can stay put for now and recognize the value of having help with the children and stability. I think it's okay to stay in an M without those in love feelings. Continue to protect your heart and detach as needed. Get the help and support you need to recover from the emotional traumas you have been through. There are also support groups for codependents of addicts. As you continue to heal on this journey you will continue to love yourself and get stronger.
H will see you thrive and he will soon learn the value of holding onto you. As your comfidence grows, as will your standards in your M. He will need to rise to those standards if he expects you to stay with him. Hopefully this will motivate him to work on himself and make the changes he needs to make to keep you.
If he doesn't, you can move on then. I know it's been a couple years, but given your age, young children, and family needs, you have several additional stressors that need to be taken into consideration. Remember this is a marathon, not a sprint. It's really a 100 miler not even a marathon! Over time you only will move forward and learn what you deserve in life. Right now you have a family, and 5 children, and so I want you to do what is easiest for you. You can do this AND protect your heart. This is something I am slowly mastering. It is possible!
In terms of your M ever being a lie and you questioning how he felt for you, well I want you to stop that. He is a lost man who is not capable of mature love. He is wounded. But you are his W and the mother of his children and there is more value in that than ANY sexual act or temporary feelings of romance. That is his addiction, his fix, because he doesn't have self love. And here is what matters more than him, and that is you.
YOU have also lost yourself in this. The silver lining is that you will not be bitter, a scorned woman, or broken by this. You will pick yourself up every day and only get stronger. You already are. And as you continue down your own journey of healing, you will attract people to you that are worthy of your love.
(((Twinmom)))
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Twinmom, there isn't much I can say to comfort or help you but I just wanted you to know that I admire your strength as you wake up every single day and take care of your kids and you.
I want to respond to everyone with a thank you... I so appreciate the suggestions & support. It's super late & I'm tired but an emotional wreck.
Our home was broken into this morning. A burglar stole things from the garage and our shed then CAME INSIDE! The burglar was 10ft from my bed while I was sleeping, turned on my kitchen, hallway & dining room lights. I woke up and heard a noise & saw the lights on, then heard the back door close. H jumped out of bed & we called the police. Among some of the things missing are H's car keys. (Brand new car)
I'm still so freaked out & more than anything don't want to be alone.
Me: 35 husband:39 Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage Twins 5 (boy/girl) Daughter 3 Affair bomb 2/27/14 He moved in with ow 3/13/14 OW kicked him out 6/15/14 4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction
I have Simplisafe. Look into them. Super awesome and incredibly affordable. No contracts
34, xw33 M-10, T-18 2D (8 and 5) Ilybinilwy-1/16 EA/PA- 7/15-present (with my former best friend) Trial apartment-2/16 (also when she considers us separated) W moved out-8/16 W Filed 11/21/16 D final 1/30/17
I am so sorry to hear this. I can only imagine just how scared you were and still are. I can only assume that the house keeps where on your h's key ring. If so, contact a locksmith as soon as possible and get the locking mechanism changed. I would also call the dealership and explain what happened. They may be able to offer up a suggestion as to what to do about the car and changing things up with the keys, etc.
I pray that they find the person who did this to you and your family.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Sotto, you are spot on. I do things I don't want to do and have the expectation that H's family will be appreciative/help/contribute and then they never do & I become even more resentful.
I will get that book you suggested because that sounds EXACTLY like me.
I sent the text Job suggested but added in the approx cost per person, didn't get ANY responses. But H got a call from his mom saying how rude I was. She told him that if I was going to have such a fit about money that wasn't even mine (she sees all H's money as his & thinks I should contribute every penny I make to bills as I don't make as much as H) that she would just not pay her mortgage and pay for Thanksgiving...........
So now H is frustrated & grumpy with me and I'm still frustrated I'm going to be spending about $600 on a meal!
Me: 35 husband:39 Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage Twins 5 (boy/girl) Daughter 3 Affair bomb 2/27/14 He moved in with ow 3/13/14 OW kicked him out 6/15/14 4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction
Twinmom - glad you are safe! We too had an attempted middle of the night break-in back in the spring. Fortunately our big dog was on top of it! I am not sure how your burglar broke in? But one great preventative method that is very low cost, is to put dowels in sliders and in windows. We have them all around first floor windows/sliders. Our burglar tried to open the front door.
As for Thanksgiving, sorry to hear about your kitchen. However, this may be a huge blessing in disguise. You could take this opportunity to course correct in various areas: how you handle Thanksgiving, your MIL and even how you come to a solution with your h.
My advice is that you sit on this for a full day and evaluate how you really feel about doing Thanksgiving every year, paying for everyone this year and about your MIL going straight to your h and talking about you behind your back to him! Be aware that what your MIL did in calling your h is very passive aggressive. And quite disrespectful. Hope your h had your back? MIL is a fortunate woman that her mortgage is 50 bucks! Ha ha. You never asked her to pay the whole bill, after all, just for her meal. Of course, a very viable option, if money is a problem, is for someone else graciously to host and all others to bring a few dishes. I see no one wants to do that because of course, they already have a sweet deal they want to maintain.
Have you read the boundaries thread on here? It can be applied to all aspects of your life, not just your m. Boundaries are for you. Slow down and get in touch with your inner voice.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Oh my! Sounds like the MIL isn't happy because the free ride and meal are not happening this year. In my family we each bring a dish and don't expect our mother to pay for the entire meal.
As far as being rude...I don't see that at all. I see a woman advising them that the kitchen is under construction and you won't be hosting dinner this year. You have even gone to lengths to offer up a suggestion of them going some place to eat and what it would cost each individual. No where did I see you say that they pay the bill. Your MIL is the one that is rude and PA. She should have addressed the issue w/you since you are the one that sent the email.
Lesson here is that you can't please everybody....just please yourself. It doesn't matter what you do or don't do, there will be a few that are unhappy. I certainly wouldn't cough up the money to take all of them out to dinner. It's time you looked out for yourself and this is one dinner you can go out to eat and just relax. That's a positive.
HaWho has given you some good advice. I do think it's time to set some boundaries because you are allowing others to dictate how you are going to take care of their Thanksgiving dinner...not your place to worry about all of them. They are all adults and can elsewhere or decide to take turns having dinner in their homes...but your kitchen is closed this year due to a leak...nothing you can do about that.
Take care and BTW, there are a lot of places open Turkey Day and none of you have to spend a fortune on dinner.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Job & hawho, thank you. I realize I picked an expensive restaurant downtown. I guess I did so in a kinda passive aggressive way that I know my H & I can swing it but the rest of his family won't pony up the cash for it. Not that they "can't" but that they spend too much on gambling, alcohol & drugs so they don't have it for this. Because of my 'job' I eat out in VERY high end restaurants often. Like Saturday I'll be at the Waldorf Astoria for lunch..... I enjoy being in the city & so does H. We take the kids to museums & restaurants often.
I used to host because I liked to cook and more than that I loved seeing H so happy. He loved having his family over, and although there was ALWAYS something that went wrong H would get over it & be happy. After H left his family showed their true colors & said/did things that were pretty horrible. Being honest, I have not forgiven them and really want nothing to do with them.
Examples of stressors at holidays... 1. His family is ALWAYS late. Like hours late. 2. His mom forgot a bag & sent FIL back to get it. They live 25min away, FIL doesn't have a driver's license due to numerous DUI charges. 3. They LITERALLY don't put one thing in the trash. I'm the maid, pop cans are left on the floor & tables. Plates are everywhere. 4. His brothers say rude things like asking me if I felt bad for any choices I made during my pregnancy with Lilly that could have caused her GENETIC disorder.... let that sink in, it's a genetic condition. I didn't do anything to cause it.
I will be reading the boundaries threads now because I really need so figure that out quickly. I have no clue what H said to his mom, I was angry and didn't want to fight with him so ended the conversation.
Me: 35 husband:39 Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage Twins 5 (boy/girl) Daughter 3 Affair bomb 2/27/14 He moved in with ow 3/13/14 OW kicked him out 6/15/14 4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction
Sorry his family does seem difficult ..It is hard to forgive. I think we have to go against our nature that wants to hold on to anger and resentments think we have to practice training our mind to let go it s in our attitude --after practicing it for a while,,It takes hold I put it in Gods hands
If you like the codependent no more book by melody Beattie- you may want to check out coda ..a 12 step group the meetings are everywhere and some are very good
Hope your thanksgiving turns out well-
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Well, I've been reading a lot on boundaries and I need help. It's not healthy for me to interact with H's family. It brings out so much anger in me and then I fully take it out on H. I see us in the same place we were before he left but now it's me that wants out.
So I made dinner reservations for our family. Plans to attend parade in Chicago, hit up Shedd Aquarium when we got too cold and then dinner..... 2 days before Thanksgiving H calls me from work. Basically his mom pushed him into hosting & her bringing all food. I said we had tried this before & it didn't work. Told H to tell his mom just to buy tamales, guac & pico not to attempt the full dinner. But yes, I caved.
I am still so angry with MYSELF for caving. And what happened? The same bull@$!! as every holiday. My house was left a mess, no one cleaned up after themselves. H's nieces destroyed my kids rooms (toys everywhere) and didn't help clean up. And to top it all off H was talking to his 2yr old niece about Disney characters and I said (sarcastically) tell your mommy & daddy to take you to see them. H then told her, "Your aunt twinmom is so nice we will take you". I said this sarcastically because her parents gamble/shop/drink/job hop and don't have a penny to their name. They won't be taking her or her 6yr old sister to Disney. H thinks we should take them with as we have been going every year and that it's not fair.
I work very hard & so does H, he thinks we should be generous like when we host holidays. It makes me angry to spend my hard earned money on his family.
How can I set boundaries that are fair to H & still protect me from his family (being used)
Me: 35 husband:39 Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage Twins 5 (boy/girl) Daughter 3 Affair bomb 2/27/14 He moved in with ow 3/13/14 OW kicked him out 6/15/14 4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction
I started reading co-dependant no more but haven't made much headway...... work has been kicking my behind.
Me: 35 husband:39 Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage Twins 5 (boy/girl) Daughter 3 Affair bomb 2/27/14 He moved in with ow 3/13/14 OW kicked him out 6/15/14 4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction
I wouldn't worry about taking niece to see a Disney film as nothing is set in stone. If H brings it up again, just ask him what his family does towards your kids, and leave it to that.
Rouky not a film..... Disney World in Florida... we go a lot. H and I actually fought tonight, we don't really ever do that. Lots of screaming and for the first time ever a fist through the wall. He said he is fine with his family being disrespectful and treating him like a server just so he can spend time with them. I value myself too much to accept that. I can't live like this, we only fight about his family.
Me: 35 husband:39 Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage Twins 5 (boy/girl) Daughter 3 Affair bomb 2/27/14 He moved in with ow 3/13/14 OW kicked him out 6/15/14 4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction
I'm sorry to hear about the fight you had. I hope you are safe and ok. Please look after yourself, and if the violence turns towards you leave or call the police.
You are worth so much more than that Twinmom. If your H wants to spend some time with his family, then he can go and see them on his own. You have the right to feel safe and respected. Maybe incline to your H that his family will no longer be welcome in your house if they don't show you any respect.
Twinmom- There's really two issues here and you need to keep them separate. I'm afraid that you're taking your (justifiable) anger towards your H and displacing it onto his relatives.
It's common - after all, you still need and want your husband so it's dangerous to direct your anger at him. His family are easy targets.
Nothing good will ever come of making your husband choose between you and his family, or of being resentful towards a two year old for her parents choices.
I think the real issue here though is the real and deep anger towards your H.
Rouky, thank you for the kind words. H isn't a violent person... I was in a different room when he put his hand through the wall.
KML, you're right. I do have a lot of deep anger towards H. But I don't think I take out my anger for him on his family....
Wednesday night Lilly's gtube got caught on the couch and it came out. The balloon popped & H took her to the ER with the emergency kit to have them put in the new one. Local ER said the hole was closing & called children's hospital 3hrs away for instructions. They wanted her transportated ASAP & hooked to iv dextrose to maintain blood sugar. They were planning surgery as soon as she arrived so nothing by mouth. As the ambulance was prepping to take her I'm at home with the other kids (because no one in H's family can stay with them). I'm also getting text after text in a group text message about H's brother & his girlfriend who announced they are pregnant on Thanksgiving. Everyone is discussing the name they gave the embryo (not the actual name for the baby). I was frustrated beyond belief that people who couldn't even send a "hope Lilly is ok" text expect me to give them attention?!
Oh & this brother is the one who has been to jail for selling drugs.... he **only** sells pain killers now (and has no drivers license)
KML, you're right about nothing good comes from making him choose.
Me: 35 husband:39 Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage Twins 5 (boy/girl) Daughter 3 Affair bomb 2/27/14 He moved in with ow 3/13/14 OW kicked him out 6/15/14 4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction
I'm not defending his family; they sound like a mess. But unfortunately, you're going to have to accept that they're not people you can depend upon, and work on developing your own support network.
I agree w/kml that you need to develop your own support network. Are you friendly w/any of your neighbors or moms that have children the ages of your children? This would be a good start in developing a network that you can rely on in an emergency.
You can't rely on his family. They are a total mess and they sound like they can't even get out of their own way and yes, they are very selfish and only think of themselves. Your expectations of them need to drop totally below zero because they aren't going to be there for you and your family. You've seen this over and over again. Leave them to their own mess and start working developing your own support network.
I do hope that your little one is doing better. Keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.
I have "mommy" friends whose kids are friends with my kids. The problem with asking them for help is my (older) kids don't go to school / we don't live near them. My oldest goes to school 30min from our house, my 10yr old is 20min away. And there is no way I would expect someone to take 4 kids!
I'm ok with his family not helping, but I don't want them expecting me to give them attention. I know I have resentment when they don't help but I'm slowly dealing with that.
I love helping others, donating my time/items to help less fortunate at church but when it comes to H's family I've turned into Scrooge!
Do you think I should just remove myself from holidays? I was thinking about just not being here every holiday.
H is still "trying" in the sense he texts me I love you & good morning beautiful when he leaves for work before I'm up. I have phone code but that doesn't mean much as he could just delete.
I'm going to try and practice gratitude, I am going to write down at least one thing every day I'm thankful for/good things in my life.
Me: 35 husband:39 Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage Twins 5 (boy/girl) Daughter 3 Affair bomb 2/27/14 He moved in with ow 3/13/14 OW kicked him out 6/15/14 4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction
In an emergency, I'm sure that someone in the community would be more than happy to take care of the kids for you. Don't rule people out because you don't know what they will and can do to help a fellow neighbor. Don't be afraid to ask for help. In today's world, people do not always step up to the plate, but when you ask, they are more than willing to help out. Some people are hesitant to offer help because they don't know how the other person will react to their offer.
As for the church...look to the fellow church members and seek help there as well. I'm sure the members would be more than willing to help you if they knew that you needed assistance. Again, learn to ask for help and don't allow your pride to get in the way. This is the season that many people are more giving of themselves and now is the time to discuss your situation w/your priest/minister or rabbi. They are there for you when things seem bleak.
I can understand how you feel about his family, but the anger towards them will not help your situation. In fact, it will eat at you and create health issues. I know this is going to be a tough bullet to bite, but you've have to feel sorry for them and to forgive them for their actions because they just don't know any better and that is a very sad picture that is being painted by them to others. You are the only one that can set the boundaries for you. If you don't wish to be around them as much this holiday season, then don't. But remember...your h is blind to what they do because he was raised in that environment and he's going to want to visit w/them...so suggest he go and if the kids want to go...then let them. Nothing says you have to be present at all visits/functions. Find other things to do. This is your only life, so figure out what you want to do w/it and go from there.
Even w/the situation you are in, you still have a lot to be grateful for: a home, a husband who is trying to some degree, beautiful children and you get up each day and can enjoy the day.
Learn to let that anger go, you can't control how his family behaves, but you can control the way that you react to their behavior. Go talk to your pastor/minister/rabbi. Don't be afraid to reach out to others because you will need to have a network in place for emergencies.
Rouky, thanks for checking on me. I'm ok, I'm making plans for myself on Christmas Day. H has insisted on hosting his family (he will never "go" see them it's always them coming to my house). I refuse to be here and be treated horribly so I'm going to find an open restaurant & have dinner/drinks alone while his family is here. I'm working too much but that's my own fault for taking on more projects then I can handle. I still want to leave so badly but the "comfortableness" of the house/finances/help with kids keeps me here. Maybe too much info but when H & I are intimate it's never satisfying for me. Thoughts of who he has been with always pop into my head. I'd love to leave but (selfishly) don't want to give up my lifestyle.
Me: 35 husband:39 Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage Twins 5 (boy/girl) Daughter 3 Affair bomb 2/27/14 He moved in with ow 3/13/14 OW kicked him out 6/15/14 4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction
It is not selfish as it is what you like. Maybe you could start to put aside some money, so when/if you want to leave you can have the life you want. With H we were always short on cash (even when I was buying a cheap top), I felt guilty. Now that I'm no longer with H that guilt has gone! Financially I'm better off as I don't have to put more money in joint account as H was always making it overdrawn. Now it's OW's problem. Good luck to her.
Thank you very much for stopping by Twinmom. How did your Christmas go? How are you?
I'll definitely come to Indiana and visit you. I'm proud to say that I consider you as a very good friend. Hope you have a great day. What have you planned?
