Don't know where I belong.....

[Sotto]

Hi Twin, sorry to hear about your kitchen...and I agree, when it is done, you'll be so glad & really appreciate it. I would like to say that, as so many of us are - you are much blessed in many aspects of your life. I find it really does help me to practice gratitude and focus on the good things - and not to overwork the challenges....they will unfold and resolve in their own time and way too.

WRT to your H's family - it sounds as though you harbour some resentment there. That's yours to own I think - on the basis that - they will do what they will do. It's up to you how you choose to respond - and if that is with resentment - that's for you have a look at perhaps.

In terms of Thanksgiving - I'd be tempted to lighten up that message a little - something along the lines of - We'd love to host Thanksgiving as usual this year, but due to a leak in the kitchen, we're remodelling and it just won't be possible.

You could also say - Our family plan to dine out at X this year and you are more than welcome to join us. Tickets/meal cost will be $50 per head if you are interested and let us know by X if you'd like to come along.

I can't see that offending anyone and you're letting them know there would be a cost to them if they want to join you. If they don't - well you can have a nice, and quieter time with just immediate family.

I found Codependent No More useful for dealing with some of the areas you're posting about - where others expect things, you do them, you resent it etc...it may be worth considering perhaps?

Hope this helps anyway and I hope your lovely kitchen will be ready soon. Xx

[BluWave]

Hi twinmom,

I am sorry you find yourself here again. You don't know me, but I was reading your sitch here a couple years ago. We were going though several hardships at the same time and I found strength and courage in you. I started posting this year and my H has been back for 1.5 years now.

While he was by no means a serial cheater, I do struggle with similar feelings/fears as you. I actually trust my H and that he made this one mistake, but I continue to miss what we had or what I thought we had. Will I ever feel in love/safe with him again? What if I don't, can I live a life with him? I want this to work and what is best for my family, but how long do we go on living with this level of detachment? Perhaps you can relate to some of this too?

It's difficult. I don't have all the answers. I have come to accept that it is okay to not have all those answers. Right now I am making a choice each day to stay because 1. I believe he is a good man, father, and H. 2. It is best for the children and our family unit. 3. It is best logistically for our finances and schedules. 4. As unromantic as it sounds, I believe in the institution of marriage. So while I am at a standstill in the piecing process per se, I am perfectly okay with staying as things are.

In terms of your H being a serial cheater, love/sex addict, etc, well I do not know a lot about that. If it is a similar psychology to alcohol/drug addiction, then I do believe people can change. That change does have to come from within and it does take consistently over time. I don't think it's your job to force him to get that help, however that doesn't mean you have to throw out ulitmatums. If his "addiction" is not having a frequent negative impact on you and the family, then I don't think it would behoove you to try and force him to get help.

So what can you do? I think you can stay put for now and recognize the value of having help with the children and stability. I think it's okay to stay in an M without those in love feelings. Continue to protect your heart and detach as needed. Get the help and support you need to recover from the emotional traumas you have been through. There are also support groups for codependents of addicts. As you continue to heal on this journey you will continue to love yourself and get stronger.

H will see you thrive and he will soon learn the value of holding onto you. As your comfidence grows, as will your standards in your M. He will need to rise to those standards if he expects you to stay with him. Hopefully this will motivate him to work on himself and make the changes he needs to make to keep you.

If he doesn't, you can move on then. I know it's been a couple years, but given your age, young children, and family needs, you have several additional stressors that need to be taken into consideration. Remember this is a marathon, not a sprint. It's really a 100 miler not even a marathon! Over time you only will move forward and learn what you deserve in life. Right now you have a family, and 5 children, and so I want you to do what is easiest for you. You can do this AND protect your heart. This is something I am slowly mastering. It is possible!

In terms of your M ever being a lie and you questioning how he felt for you, well I want you to stop that. He is a lost man who is not capable of mature love. He is wounded. But you are his W and the mother of his children and there is more value in that than ANY sexual act or temporary feelings of romance. That is his addiction, his fix, because he doesn't have self love. And here is what matters more than him, and that is you.

YOU have also lost yourself in this. The silver lining is that you will not be bitter, a scorned woman, or broken by this. You will pick yourself up every day and only get stronger. You already are. And as you continue down your own journey of healing, you will attract people to you that are worthy of your love.

(((Twinmom)))

Blu

[Rouky]

Twinmom, there isn't much I can say to comfort or help you but I just wanted you to know that I admire your strength as you wake up every single day and take care of your kids and you.

((((((((((Twinmom)))))))))

[twinmom]

I want to respond to everyone with a thank you... I so appreciate the suggestions & support. It's super late & I'm tired but an emotional wreck.

Our home was broken into this morning. A burglar stole things from the garage and our shed then CAME INSIDE! The burglar was 10ft from my bed while I was sleeping, turned on my kitchen, hallway & dining room lights. I woke up and heard a noise & saw the lights on, then heard the back door close. H jumped out of bed & we called the police.
Among some of the things missing are H's car keys. (Brand new car)

I'm still so freaked out & more than anything don't want to be alone.

[j20a00g]

Oh no!!!! How scary!!!!

I have Simplisafe. Look into them. Super awesome and incredibly affordable. No contracts

[job]

I am so sorry to hear this. I can only imagine just how scared you were and still are. I can only assume that the house keeps where on your h's key ring. If so, contact a locksmith as soon as possible and get the locking mechanism changed. I would also call the dealership and explain what happened. They may be able to offer up a suggestion as to what to do about the car and changing things up with the keys, etc.

I pray that they find the person who did this to you and your family.

[twinmom]

Sotto, you are spot on. I do things I don't want to do and have the expectation that H's family will be appreciative/help/contribute and then they never do & I become even more resentful.

I will get that book you suggested because that sounds EXACTLY like me.

I sent the text Job suggested but added in the approx cost per person, didn't get ANY responses. But H got a call from his mom saying how rude I was. She told him that if I was going to have such a fit about money that wasn't even mine (she sees all H's money as his & thinks I should contribute every penny I make to bills as I don't make as much as H) that she would just not pay her mortgage and pay for Thanksgiving...........

So now H is frustrated & grumpy with me and I'm still frustrated I'm going to be spending about $600 on a meal!

[HaWho]

Twinmom - glad you are safe! We too had an attempted middle of the night break-in back in the spring. Fortunately our big dog was on top of it! I am not sure how your burglar broke in? But one great preventative method that is very low cost, is to put dowels in sliders and in windows. We have them all around first floor windows/sliders. Our burglar tried to open the front door.

As for Thanksgiving, sorry to hear about your kitchen. However, this may be a huge blessing in disguise. You could take this opportunity to course correct in various areas: how you handle Thanksgiving, your MIL and even how you come to a solution with your h.

My advice is that you sit on this for a full day and evaluate how you really feel about doing Thanksgiving every year, paying for everyone this year and about your MIL going straight to your h and talking about you behind your back to him! Be aware that what your MIL did in calling your h is very passive aggressive. And quite disrespectful. Hope your h had your back? MIL is a fortunate woman that her mortgage is 50 bucks! Ha ha. You never asked her to pay the whole bill, after all, just for her meal. Of course, a very viable option, if money is a problem, is for someone else graciously to host and all others to bring a few dishes. I see no one wants to do that because of course, they already have a sweet deal they want to maintain.

Have you read the boundaries thread on here? It can be applied to all aspects of your life, not just your m. Boundaries are for you. Slow down and get in touch with your inner voice.

[job]

Oh my! Sounds like the MIL isn't happy because the free ride and meal are not happening this year. In my family we each bring a dish and don't expect our mother to pay for the entire meal.

As far as being rude...I don't see that at all. I see a woman advising them that the kitchen is under construction and you won't be hosting dinner this year. You have even gone to lengths to offer up a suggestion of them going some place to eat and what it would cost each individual. No where did I see you say that they pay the bill. Your MIL is the one that is rude and PA. She should have addressed the issue w/you since you are the one that sent the email.

Lesson here is that you can't please everybody....just please yourself. It doesn't matter what you do or don't do, there will be a few that are unhappy. I certainly wouldn't cough up the money to take all of them out to dinner. It's time you looked out for yourself and this is one dinner you can go out to eat and just relax. That's a positive.

HaWho has given you some good advice. I do think it's time to set some boundaries because you are allowing others to dictate how you are going to take care of their Thanksgiving dinner...not your place to worry about all of them. They are all adults and can elsewhere or decide to take turns having dinner in their homes...but your kitchen is closed this year due to a leak...nothing you can do about that.

Take care and BTW, there are a lot of places open Turkey Day and none of you have to spend a fortune on dinner.

[twinmom]

Job & hawho, thank you. I realize I picked an expensive restaurant downtown. I guess I did so in a kinda passive aggressive way that I know my H & I can swing it but the rest of his family won't pony up the cash for it. Not that they "can't" but that they spend too much on gambling, alcohol & drugs so they don't have it for this.
Because of my 'job' I eat out in VERY high end restaurants often. Like Saturday I'll be at the Waldorf Astoria for lunch..... I enjoy being in the city & so does H. We take the kids to museums & restaurants often.

I used to host because I liked to cook and more than that I loved seeing H so happy. He loved having his family over, and although there was ALWAYS something that went wrong H would get over it & be happy. After H left his family showed their true colors & said/did things that were pretty horrible. Being honest, I have not forgiven them and really want nothing to do with them.

Examples of stressors at holidays...
1. His family is ALWAYS late. Like hours late.
2. His mom forgot a bag & sent FIL back to get it. They live 25min away, FIL doesn't have a driver's license due to numerous DUI charges.
3. They LITERALLY don't put one thing in the trash. I'm the maid, pop cans are left on the floor & tables. Plates are everywhere.
4. His brothers say rude things like asking me if I felt bad for any choices I made during my pregnancy with Lilly that could have caused her GENETIC disorder.... let that sink in, it's a genetic condition. I didn't do anything to cause it.

I will be reading the boundaries threads now because I really need so figure that out quickly. I have no clue what H said to his mom, I was angry and didn't want to fight with him so ended the conversation.