Don't know where I belong.....

[kml]

he has been to one meeting of a group like AA but for sex/love addicts and joins in on a conference call for this group about once a month.

Not enough. He can do an online 12 step group but meetings should be at LEAST once a week - usually the protocol for addicts in any 12 step program is 90 meetings in the first 90 days.

I'd do your own research too to make sure there's not one close enough for him to visit in person, and like I said, there are plenty of 12 step meetings online, I'm sure he can attend several different ones if needed but he HAS to do a heck of a lot more than once a month! If he tells you he can't find them he's lying. Does he have a sponsor? How often does he speak with his sponsor?

You're asking how you can get your feelings back for him, and I'm telling you, you CAN'T unless he is actually taking the steps needed to fix his problem. THIS IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM, it's his. And if he's not avidly pursuing the solution (i.e. very very active in working the twelve steps with his sponsor, "attending" a meeting online or in person at least once a week, etc.) then he's not sincere and you have no business trying to get those feelings back.

[job]

I agree w/kml's posting.

I have a friend who attends meetings at least 2-3 times a week and they are at various locations. In some areas, they hold them during the day, evening and weekends. Your h isn't putting forth 100% in attending meetings. Meeting online is okay, but actually going to the meetings is a much better step in the right direction.

Your h isn't being sincere w/you if he's not attending more meetings than once a month and working w/his sponsor. Until he's going and doing the hard work, you won't be able to trust him, nor eventually get your feelings back for him. You didn't break him, therefore you can't fix him.

[kml]

Job - just to clarify, he's not drinking, he's a sex addict. But all the rest still applies - he needs to be working his 12 step program.

Also, Twinmom - is your 2 year old not stable enough with cornstarch feedings? Could you hire a home health nurse to babysit? Or maybe you could make friends with another mom in your area with a special needs child, and train each other how to provide care for the other's child, and trade off childcare sometimes?

[job]

kml,

Thanks for pointing out my posting error.

Twinmom,

I'm sorry I mixed up the issue here. But, I do still agree w/kml that he needs to be working the 12 step program and there should be more meet ups than just once a month. He's just not ready or maybe unwilling to do the necessary hard work to keep this addiction in check.

Please continue to post.

[twinmom]

She is fairly stable with 4 hour cornstarch but the problem is that sometimes she doesn't want to drink it so we have to do a g-tube feed. And no one will check her blood sugar. She even knows the steps but family members won't do it. Also my flipping mother gave her applesauce one day while I was showering. She knew better & I FREAKED out on her. Blood sugar went over 350 & then plummeted to 30!!!!

I need to look and see if there is a program closer. I guess in my opinion he still doesn't want to admit it controls him. He wants to believe he can just stop because he wants to. I don't believe that & I guess I'm scared one day he will come home and pack his bags again.




[


quote=kml]Job - just to clarify, he's not drinking, he's a sex addict. But all the rest still applies - he needs to be working his 12 step program.

Also, Twinmom - is your 2 year old not stable enough with cornstarch feedings? Could you hire a home health nurse to babysit? Or maybe you could make friends with another mom in your area with a special needs child, and train each other how to provide care for the other's child, and trade off childcare sometimes? [/quote]

[kml]

Twin mom-

Sorry the family is so useless .....grrrrr. (Fwiw......technology for a blood sugar monitor that doesn't involve a skin prick is just a few years away).

How is your H with her? Is he trustworthy enough to be left with her? If not, then sadly, staying in the marriage may be safer for her than unsupervised parental visitation in a divorce. I know a couple women with gluten sensitive children who can't get their ex's to follow the gluten-free diet when they have the kids.

I don't trust your H as far as I could throw him, and I think you do need to keep a Plan B in mind. Nonetheless, if the best outcome is H actually recovering from his addiction and the marriage being repaired, then I suggest you set the expectation that he be truly working on his problem. Show him what the path back to you looks like: meetings at least once a week, several phone contacts per week with his sponsor, complete transparency with his phone, email etc. I also recommend for you the Alanon book The Courage to Change.

Also, you need a support group of other moms dealing with this disease. Make sure you take advantage of any online groups; parents will be your best source of practical advice.

Lastly....know that none of this is about you. He's an addict. You didn't break him and you can't fix him. He has to be willing to do the work.

As best you can, pay off debts and squirrel away savings, some of it hidden so that if he does take of suddenly, you can get by until the courts make him pay support.

As for your feelings towards him.... they will probably come back IF he does the work.

[twinmom]

It's late but I wanted to thank you for your advice.
I do have passwords / code to phone & email. He doesn't really use email. Phone code is pretty much worthless because he can just delete texts as soon as he gets them.

He is a WONDERFUL father. He cares for the little one as well as or better than I do. He gets up every night for her 12am & 4am cornstarch. He is the one who takes her to all Dr appts. He gives the kids baths at least as many days as I do. He does all the laundry, sweeps the floors, cleans bathrooms, loads dishwasher, cuts the grass, grocery shops.... besides this whole stupid f'ed up addiction thing he is pretty amazing.
The most painful part for me is knowing he didn't fall in love with me, I was just another "fix" for him.

[Rouky]

Twinmom, I just wanted to let you know that you shouldn't be feeling like another fix for him as I believe that at some point your H believed in your relationship otherwise he wouldn't have married you. He probably believed that you could help him change, but as KLM and Job have stated you DIDN'T break him. Only him can sort himself out, unfortunately to me it does that he is not putting much effort into improving himself.

Yes he is good father and helps out maybe because out of guilt or if he doesn't help and you kick him out where would he go?

As for your feeling you have been betrayed and the trust is gone. At the moment it might be that you are in a protective mode as you don't want to get hurt again. I have not much experience, but what is your inner voice/ gut feeling is telling you? From all the posts you have written, you have your head well screwed on and I think that deep down you know what is right for you but are holding back because of fear. Raising 5 kids on your own would certainly be hard, and with your daughter's condition you might be entitled to have someone to help you.

At the moment I feel you need to nurture you and heal you. Maybe in time your feelings will come back but as we have all been told here actions speak louder than words if he really want to work on your marriage and better himself.

Sending you tons of hugs from the UK.

[Sotto]

Yes, I don't believe you were a 'fix' either. In fact, he is staying and doing some hard work right now and that is because he loves you and wants your family to stay together.

Xx

[twinmom]

So emotional, my grandmother pretty much raised me. She was a life long Cubs fan who passed away three years ago. My greatest childhood memories are listening to Harry Caray on WGN. 10 years so I bought my grandmother an ingraved paver at Wrigley with her name on it.

My H is also a HUGE Cubs fan. (So is my ex-H, lol) I have been crying both happy tears & missing my grandmother like crazy.

H booked me a spa day for tomorrow as I've been so anxious during these games. It was very nice of him. I guess this is his way of comforting me?

Go Cubs Go!