I'm going to rehearse a few lines in my head that I can use whenever he starts a D talk, focusing on the kids should work for both of us for now.
I made plans to be out all day tomorrow. I hope that will give him time to enjoy the kids, it will be the first time he has to look after all three of them. I really need to be spending as little time as possible near him, he is deep in his crisis and not nice at all to me.
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
I really like Job's advice that, if your h engages in any r talks, you should tell him not to take his attention from the kids. One thing that worked very well for me when my h was bringing all that up was to wait just long enough to get the gist of what he was saying (1 minute or so) and then start to nod and say politely "okay, let me think about all that" as I was inching my way out the door. He never remembered to follow up. Scary fog that was.
Also, be sure to snoop proof your house! Hide all books and make sure he can't see histories on your computer, etc. Remember certain devices can sync with others.
Enjoy your weekend!
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Hi Esame, I'm sorry you are having a rough time. I worry about seeing my H again too. He is coming over to pick my D up tomorrow (she eventually agreed to see him after six weeks) and I'm planning on going to the gym when he gets here. I don't think I am detached enough to keep my emotions in check.
I am also in the UK and when I was a single Mum I didn't claim any benefits because my XH paid child support although I did go back to work full-time. I don't think it is up to you to have to claim benefits as a single Mum. It's like your H has decided because he wants to leave he can transfer all the responsibility onto the state. If you are unable to work because you are raising your children he needs to provide for you. Definitely seek advice with a lawyer or the CAB. It's not right that he is making you go cap in hand for hand outs.
(((Esame)))
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
Okay here is some of what I learned and I hope it helps others:
1. Quiet, persistent, nondemanding loving by someone who loves himself or herself is almost impossible to resist.
2. Be aware of your own thoughts and visualizations as they can determine the course of your life. What we tell ourselves can affect the outcome of our interactions with others.
3. We all know that threats, begging, convincing chase a S away and are counterproductive for anyone seriously interested in salvaging a R.
4. To love is to pay heed to the needs of the person you love. When you resort to begging, convincing etc. you are only focusing on yourself.
5. When you feel overwhelmed by your own feelings and want to vent at your S regardless of the consequences ask yourself if what you are about to say is an expression of love or a need.
6. The anger that you feel at having been left by your S if not really about your S but rather has to do with you.
7. Remember the pleasant moments from your M. Opportunities to create more of these moments strenghten your R.
8. It is important to turn all encounters with your S into pleasant encounters even if the purpose of the encounter is unpleasant.
9. You cannot argue your lover back to you. Renewing your R with your S has little to do with being right and everything to do with mutual experience of pleasant or positive moments.
10. We can only control ourselves and our own actions.
11. Cursing, name calling, pouting, begging, accusing or demanding does not get your S back. Communication should be based on the awareness that your S has a point of view and then empathize with their point of view.
12. Relax and take care of yourself. Do not neglect friends, interests, excercise etc.
I really like the above post, so I copied and pasted it on my thread for future reference. I included the link as well for anyone that wants to read more.
HaWho and Coly thank you very very much for your replies.
This weekend I will walk away from all D talks (or money talks) and focus on myself and the children. I have a very busy weekend planned anyway, so it shouldn't be hard.
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
i wish there was something to say to make this easier. if there is, i'm not gifted with the necessary words.
my best advice is to take advantage of the free consult. i did hear of one idea that i'd wished i'd known about before we "lawyered up" and that was this woman went around and talked to all the heavy hitting lawyers in town before hiring one. this meant her husband couldn't hire any of them! I thought that was brilliant.
I have no idea of the laws in the UK so don't know if that would work there and don't know if there is any protection of inheritances. As for the "friend" ... wow. Better to know, painful as it is.
Try to enjoy what's left of your weekend and know that you are not alone. There are many people here pulling for you Esame. xoxoxoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
I'm doing quite well actually, H did manage to ruin my plans yesterday (went to work, something about a flat tyre, sneaked a visit to the gym without saying anything) but I didn't let it upset me. Instead I took S10 out for some one to one time as soon as H returned home, and really had a great time with him.
Today I just did the children's breakfasts, tidied up and left. I packed my DB books, my highlighters and went out. Had a lovely long walk and now I'm at my favourite restaurant waiting for my meal. I'm planning to go shopping afterwards and then another long walk home.
I'm trying to not worry about any potential speeches (he usually reserved the for Sunday night) but I feel more prepared to deal with any cr@p that comes out of his mouth.
I had a really funny moment yesterday, I need to share that with you! Basically H took our handheld blender to his bachelor pad so that he can use it for his gym smoothies. I needed one for myself so I bought the newest model of the same brand, and that came with an extra attachment for making mashed potatoes. I was really pleased with myself as I can now use all the old attachments and the new ones, and then I made some mash yesterday. It was so easy and the result was amazing! So amazing that I actually thought it was worth H leaving me and taking the old blender with him . To say I'm easily pleased is an understatement isn't it? But I do love kitchen gadgets and really enjoy mashed potatoes.... obviously I enjoyed having a normal husband in the past, but that's not quite possible right now.
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
Ok, you made me LOL and almost spit my coffee. What a great way to start the morning. Thanks for the coffee stains, Esame!
That last post was full of good things...looking at the positives in two negatives (blender and H ruining plans) and keeping your sense of humor. I think you're doing great! That kind of has to be the attitude to keep us going, doesn't it? You hand me a pile of poop, I'll make the best darn compost around and grow fantastic flowers and veggies. And make mashed potatoes (that I grew in my garden) with my awesome blender, too! Take that, sir!
I like your 12 points from putter, as well. You've got this, Esame.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
H left a couple of hours ago, and thankfully there were no D talks or anything too awkward or uncomfortable. He was obviously distant and cold, but that's the norm now right? He did attempt a couple of jokes, which is good I guess. We had a minor argument over shopping which was mainly my fault, I should have just nodded politely like I do the rest of the time. Another lesson learnt I guess. Also I noticed that sometimes I lower my guard and I initiate small talk, but it's like talking to a rude teenager that is having a tantrum, so why do I still do it? I really need to work at that, it is not my responsibility to entertain him, I should stop doing that ASAP.
H will try to look after the baby on Wednesday for me so that I can go to my "psychological wellbeing practitioner" appointment. I said that he didn't have to come if he cannot take time off work, and he said he will let me know. That's probably the most we spoke this weekend. Funnily even though we have only exchanged about three sentences in total he still managed to lie to me about something trivial (a TV show) and to hide his visit to the gym on the day I had made plans with my friends.
I enjoyed my afternoon out shopping earlier, I got myself some new expensive perfume and I'm really excited about it. And I got a glue gun. I've always wanted one those
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
. To say I'm easily pleased is an understatement isn't it? But I do love kitchen gadgets and really enjoy mashed potatoes.... obviously I enjoyed having a normal husband in the past, but that's not quite possible right now.
