Hope you all are doing well, been a while since I've posted.
Been having a rough few months with the XW and her expectations of me post divorce.
1) As much as I want to on some days, I haven't shared with anyone the circumstances of my divorce. However, through her own actions, demeanor and people in town not being morons, word is getting out about XW. She's been showing up to events in town with OM (now her fiance) and his two daughters as well. People can do the math (my youngest was barely 2 when bomb dropped) and they are coming to their own conclusions. XW is having a huge problem with this and is guilting me into "helping" her with this. Below is a text she sent me...
"[/i]Next time you choose to run your mouth about me or (OM) or fail to correct someone, I'd like you to think about your children...think about your children growing up in a town where people whisper about their mother...does that sound good to?[i]
Well, two problems with this. First, I haven't said anything. Second, she fails to understand that her own actions are causing the problem. Third, yet again, I'm to blame. Not sure what to do about this.....
2) XW is not happy with me not going out of my way to accept OM and his children in town/public. XW decided to bring OM to S6 soccer game last Saturday. I'm one of the coaches so I spent the entire game on the field. After the game, I walked over with the rest of the team, S6 included and shot the s**t with some of the other parents as the game cleared out. XW and OM were close by having their own conversations. XW wrapped up and called for the boys. I gave them hugs and kisses and they were on their way. (coming back to this below)
3) There is a huge halloween party in town tomorrow night for all of the kids and parents in S6 school. I've known most of these parents for 30 years, as I went to school in this town and we've been friends since we were in school. However, since it's XW weekend with our boys, I decided not to go bc she wants to bring OM and his two girls. Well, a few of my buddies heard about this and think I'm being ridiculous. I decided to go and somehow it got back to XW...she's not happy at all.
[/i]So...you're going to this party now? Unreal."[i] [/i]You know what, you better be nicer than you were at soccer last week....WE are excited for this party."[i]
Again, I'm kind of at a loss for what I'm supposed to do right now. If I don't play ball, she will punish the boys...as she is tonight by not letting them go to their friends house for a birthday party (S6 is the only kid not going)
I feel pretty screwed all of the time if I don't do what she wants, when she wants it.
As of December 2023 Me: 45 XW: 43 S13 S10 ILYBINILWY: 11/14/2014 OM: 11/14/2014 D process: 12/14/2014 D final: 04/2015
My xW was upset with me because of the delivery method I used to send her the child support check. (I gave it to my son to give to her when he got to her apartment on exchange day.) My response was, "If you don't like the method of delivery, you can shove it up your @ss." She cashed the check, so apparently she didn't shove it up her @ss, but that was the last I ever heard of it.
It doesn't take many times of doing something like that and your xW will learn that she's wasting her breath because you don't give a sh*t.
My fear, as it always is and is probably something I have to accept, is that her mental illness will always put myself and the boys in "harms" way. She has proven that she has no problem punishing them for what she perceives as "indiscretions" made against her from me....like robbing her of her entire 20s....
I want to stand up for myself, show my boys that you need to demand respect, etc. I also want what's best for them day to day....really need to learn where this line is.
Thanks doodler
As of December 2023 Me: 45 XW: 43 S13 S10 ILYBINILWY: 11/14/2014 OM: 11/14/2014 D process: 12/14/2014 D final: 04/2015
My wife has a psychological disorder caused by childhood sexual abuse, but she knows that if she does anything to my sons that hints of anything other than being a good mother, then she'll lose her custody rights pronto. I kept the lawyer on retainer for the occasion.
You won't find the OM anywhere near my sons and my xW never mentions him in front of the boys. My xW and the OM know that if anything happens to the boys and he's anywhere in the area, he's going to get the blame and he can run, but he can't hide. I told the boys, in front of my wife, that if the OM touches them, even if it's just to accidentally brush up against them, they should dial 911, then call daddy and tell the OM he'd better pray that the cops get to him first. And I mean very word of that and my xW knows it too.
Here's the deal...XW is now engaged to OM. They bought a house, my boys are there 50% of the time (on paper...they spend more time with me) My attorney has told me that you "can't legislate being a b***h" and that in my state, a mother has to abuse the kids or not feed them/clothe them to lose custody...it's awful.
XW is forcing my hand into playing ball bc she has and will continue to hang their interests over my head. She knows that she can manipulate them and do whatever she wants as long as she remains within the law.
Not really sure what to do.
As of December 2023 Me: 45 XW: 43 S13 S10 ILYBINILWY: 11/14/2014 OM: 11/14/2014 D process: 12/14/2014 D final: 04/2015
What to do? - about her email: " I have said nothing about your affair and I cannot control what conclusions others draw from your behavior. "
- about the party: " this is a small town and we will inevitably be at some of the same events. I won't bother you and your fiancé at these events and I would hope you would not bother me or any date of mine. I don't feel it is necessary for me to pretend to be friends with OM"
- if you can, train her to communicate with you only by email. I found this least stressful. If my ex called me, I let it go to voicemail and replied via email. If he texted, I would text back that I sent an email about that. He only ever emails me now
Mvg u need to glue ur things back on. Listen not to anything she says anymore. She is totally distrespectful to your marriage and children. You are Free to do as you wish my friend...
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
I am a truthful person and tell it like it is. It is important to me that I do this.
I am not going to enable lies.
I am keeping to my routine, going where I want to go, meeting the people I want to meet. If you are there then I expect and will give ordinary courtesy.
If I hear that you have smeared me, as I am an innocent party and you are wayward then I will say whatever I wish.
You cheated, you lied, you gambled, and then left having taken money. These things are provable facts and I do myself and others no favours by disguising this.
These are my boundaries.
So decideally on your boundaries and hold them. Decide on consequences.
Ignore her entitled cheating arse and the dipstick OM that she is with. In my opinion hold your head up, the truth will out any way if it isn't already. Fight for your children and stay silent to them about their wayward mother. You my lovely one are a gentleman who stands in honour.
Head up, you have the power in this, and WW is shaking boots wise.
She is in shame and trying to shift it.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
She doesn't get to tell you what to do. She doesn't get to tell you to protect her from the consequences of her choices. She doesn't get to tell you how warm you have to be towards OM.
Now, IMHO the best way to handle this is not to reply. If you *tell* her any of this, it comes off really weak. One, you are responding to her when she is addressing you with a bitchy attitude. Two, you aren't going to change her mind, you will just be bickering like a divorcing couple. So don't bother telling her what your boundary is, just SHOW her that you won't reply when treated that way and let her figure it out.
As for what she's saying, I don't buy it. I wouldn't pour gas on the fire of local gossip, but it's not your job to put it out for her. What's been done to the kids was by her, and if they hear about it as they grow up you can explain it is just reason 7,021 why when you say "I do" you need to back it up. On the topic of the party, just go and have a good time. You don't owe anything to her or OM. Long term it will be good to not carry anger in your heart for the benefit of you and your children, but that's YOUR journey, on your time, and you can do that without her commentary.
My XW used to talk to me the same way and for two years I have refused to engage with this type of attitude. The picture I have in my mind that I use to guide me: A kid's toy with no batteries. XW can try to hit whatever buttons she wants, the guilt button, the spew button, the victim button, whatever. I am not playing. If she sends me an email that requires response then I first filter the email down to just the basic facts with no emotional tone, and I reply as such. She has basically been speaking to a robot for the last two years. And you know what? These days she doesn't try much of this crap anymore. She is pretty matter of fact, and we have an 'effective' coparenting relationship.
Good luck and hang in.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
My heart really goes out to you, mvg. I was in a VERY similar situation with my XH. He decided he wanted a divorce and he pushed for it, claiming there was no OW the entire time and then he wanted me to tell our families that our divorce was mutual. I told him the best I could do for him was to just not say anything but that I would not openly lay and say it was mutual when I didn't want it.
Then, I found out about OW. He moved in with her two weeks after our divorce was final. When I questioned the timing, he admitted they had had a date several weeks prior to our divorce, but that was all he admitted to. Because of the circumstances, it was quite clear that this had been a much longer on-going relationship than one date a few weeks prior to our D.
Through all of that, I never said a word, but people started putting 2 and 2 together when 2 weeks after our D was final, he packed his stuff and moved 1600 miles away from his hometown, his family and the only home he'd ever known to live with her. He had lied to everyone then tried to blame ME for everyone thinking he'd been cheating all along. Through all of these times, I said NOTHING, which is exactly what I told him I would do. I had stressed that I would not lie for him but that I would not say anything either, so I just said nothing.
Funny thing is, people are aware of what goes on and they see things. You can't say one thing and do the opposite and expect that people are going to not see through you. My XH still doesn't seem to get that. And, it would appear from your original question that your XW doesn't get it either, but it is simple "actions speak louder than words".
Long story short, my advice is to just try to not say anything. If you say anything, it will come back worse than what you said. And, if you don't say anything, she's still going to blame and accuse you of saying something, but at least you can be confident in knowing that you did NOT say anything. Take the high road.
Good luck and hang in there, knowing you are not alone.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
It's funny. I'm way farther back up the path from you as there is no D and as far as I can tell OM is a tightly held secret both by W and myself. For me I'm holding it quiet because of some very good advice that I got from eric to "protect my marriage and my family" not to protect my W.
When W moved out and we had perhaps one of the very few R talks we ever had in almost 3 decades of marriage she was absolutely floored when I told her that if she left me and our family that I would no longer "protect" her or her secrets. Halloween is yesterday but it's almost like they expected us to obey their zombie wishes forever.
I agree with the other posters about it not being your problem any more, nor your secret to protect and to quote a typical 6 year-old "you're not the boss of me". That doesn't mean you have to spread it around, just that you don't need to lie or conceal. Be sparse with the truth but the truth will indeed set you free.
It's petty that she's going to punish the boys and I really don't understand that. Just make sure that they know that you love them dearly and that "this too shall pass".
Good luck.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Hope you all are doing well and happy holidays! It's been a while since I posted, it's been full on "dad-ing" over here.
It's been two years, almost to the day since my first post..time flies. One of my later concerns was about the truth coming out. Coming out to friends, family, the kids, etc. Well since BD, I've made a very concerted effort to not say anything to oeople in town, other parents, etc about XW or the D. In a very small, very social town, that's been quite a challenge. Having XW and OM show up to town for various activities, wearing a certain face is very hard.
Well, it took two years but the truth has finally come out.
There was a party in town about 10 days ago and all of the "moms" were in one room. Parents of school aged kids know what I mean when I say "the moms." Well it turns out my name came up and one of the moms commented how great it was that my XW and I have such a great relationship despite her "meeting another man the week after our D and falling in love at first sight with this new guy."
Well....another mom who knows the real truth (not from me thankfully) overhead the story and set the record straight.
XW has been lying to all of these women for two years. They were appalled at what actually went down in addition to being lied to for two years straight. I know it may sound petty, but the truth coming out feels so good. It feels good bc the other parents in town know that I will always put my kids first and it also feels good bc I didn't have to say a single thing.
The high road is bumpy as h@ll and is full of roadblocks and potholes...but I promise it has an ending. And there's a new car waiting for you at the end.
Keep your heads up, mvg
Last edited by job; 12/28/1612:45 PM. Reason: Merged threads
Please stick to one thread until you've reached 100 postings. I have merged two of your recent threads so that others can follow your situation.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hi mvg, sorry to hear of all the suckitude you're dealing with. Question: is the OM from your town too? Sounds like you have a home turf advantage-- don't not go to events because of them! Your buddies are right. Just saying- If I knew you and XW, and you just got divorced and she's marrying another guy just like that, that's a huge HMMMMM. Sounds like she is angry because duh, people are doing the math and learning the truth. And yes she will blame you, but don't worry about it. I do think especially right now in her anger phase (isn't she engaged? isn't she supposed to be happy?) she may try to punish the kids to get to you. I would say listen to what everyone said, don't let her disrespect you, the kids might take some heat for a bit, but eventually she will learn that treating you this way will get her nowhere. break the cycle!
me 42 H 32 T 7yr M 6yr BD 5/2016 ILYBNILWY Separated 7/2016
No, OM isn't from my town, but a bunch of parents know him from high school.
It's getting very hard for me and the boys over here. My kids are tired all of the time, they have stomach aches, etc. They barely eat anything before school on her mornings, have no energy, are sad and upset all of the time...it's breaking my heart and I'm at the end of my rope.
I got a call from S3 school that he's starting to say things that they noted. He's saying he's a "bad boy" and wondering if he's "going to get punished." He's saying "Jesus Christ" all of the time now in anger and saying that 'mommy says it.'
How does XW and OM respond to helping the kids? They bought them a dog, laptops and tablets. I'm sick to my stomach for them. They are exhausted, mentally and physically, are reaching out for attention and love and I'm only there 50% of the time to give it to them. I feel like I'm going crazy
As of December 2023 Me: 45 XW: 43 S13 S10 ILYBINILWY: 11/14/2014 OM: 11/14/2014 D process: 12/14/2014 D final: 04/2015
He's saying he's a "bad boy" and wondering if he's "going to get punished."
Why not ask the school to call Child Protective Services to do an investigation to see if he's being abused in your ex's home? It might at least put them on alert that they have to watch themselves. Do you know anything about whether OM has any relevant history of being abusive to anyone?
I don't think OM is the problem regarding any modified behavior in the kids. Their mother (again, according to two therapists) isn't mentally fit. She continues to not feed them enough (both boys speak to me about being hungry and about mom not giving them enough to eat) they continue to go to bed too late and have to wake up very early to get to school on time (she lives 20-25 minutes away)
This, on top of their mother's suspected NPD is too much for little one's to handle. She is very critical of them and has been since they were born. Her and OM lost a pregnancy (unplanned) and now that their wedding is being planned, that house is a pressure cooker just waiting to explode. Not that my home is perfect, but I know I can provide a stable, secure, loving and nurturing environment.
I allow XW to spend time in my home with them on Wednesdays (she picks up from school and hangs with them at my home until I get home from work...it's about 2 hours) When I get home, S6 is playing video games, my house looks like bomb exploded, kids are crazy, hungry, etc. She walks out the second I get in the door, often to a very upset S3.
Both schools have spoken to me about emotional well being of kids. They are going to evaluate both and get back to me with a plan of action.
As of December 2023 Me: 45 XW: 43 S13 S10 ILYBINILWY: 11/14/2014 OM: 11/14/2014 D process: 12/14/2014 D final: 04/2015
