How much lying would you do?

[mvg]

Hey everyone,

Hope you all are doing well, been a while since I've posted.

Been having a rough few months with the XW and her expectations of me post divorce.

1) As much as I want to on some days, I haven't shared with anyone the circumstances of my divorce. However, through her own actions, demeanor and people in town not being morons, word is getting out about XW. She's been showing up to events in town with OM (now her fiance) and his two daughters as well. People can do the math (my youngest was barely 2 when bomb dropped) and they are coming to their own conclusions. XW is having a huge problem with this and is guilting me into "helping" her with this. Below is a text she sent me...

"[/i]Next time you choose to run your mouth about me or (OM) or fail to correct someone, I'd like you to think about your children...think about your children growing up in a town where people whisper about their mother...does that sound good to?[i]

Well, two problems with this. First, I haven't said anything. Second, she fails to understand that her own actions are causing the problem. Third, yet again, I'm to blame. Not sure what to do about this.....

2) XW is not happy with me not going out of my way to accept OM and his children in town/public. XW decided to bring OM to S6 soccer game last Saturday. I'm one of the coaches so I spent the entire game on the field. After the game, I walked over with the rest of the team, S6 included and shot the s**t with some of the other parents as the game cleared out. XW and OM were close by having their own conversations. XW wrapped up and called for the boys. I gave them hugs and kisses and they were on their way. (coming back to this below)

3) There is a huge halloween party in town tomorrow night for all of the kids and parents in S6 school. I've known most of these parents for 30 years, as I went to school in this town and we've been friends since we were in school. However, since it's XW weekend with our boys, I decided not to go bc she wants to bring OM and his two girls. Well, a few of my buddies heard about this and think I'm being ridiculous. I decided to go and somehow it got back to XW...she's not happy at all.

[/i]So...you're going to this party now? Unreal."[i]
[/i]You know what, you better be nicer than you were at soccer last week....WE are excited for this party."[i]

Again, I'm kind of at a loss for what I'm supposed to do right now. If I don't play ball, she will punish the boys...as she is tonight by not letting them go to their friends house for a birthday party (S6 is the only kid not going)

I feel pretty screwed all of the time if I don't do what she wants, when she wants it.

[doodler]

mvg,

My xW was upset with me because of the delivery method I used to send her the child support check. (I gave it to my son to give to her when he got to her apartment on exchange day.) My response was, "If you don't like the method of delivery, you can shove it up your @ss." She cashed the check, so apparently she didn't shove it up her @ss, but that was the last I ever heard of it.

It doesn't take many times of doing something like that and your xW will learn that she's wasting her breath because you don't give a sh*t.

[mvg]

My fear, as it always is and is probably something I have to accept, is that her mental illness will always put myself and the boys in "harms" way. She has proven that she has no problem punishing them for what she perceives as "indiscretions" made against her from me....like robbing her of her entire 20s....

I want to stand up for myself, show my boys that you need to demand respect, etc. I also want what's best for them day to day....really need to learn where this line is.

Thanks doodler

[doodler]

mvg,

My wife has a psychological disorder caused by childhood sexual abuse, but she knows that if she does anything to my sons that hints of anything other than being a good mother, then she'll lose her custody rights pronto. I kept the lawyer on retainer for the occasion.

You won't find the OM anywhere near my sons and my xW never mentions him in front of the boys. My xW and the OM know that if anything happens to the boys and he's anywhere in the area, he's going to get the blame and he can run, but he can't hide. I told the boys, in front of my wife, that if the OM touches them, even if it's just to accidentally brush up against them, they should dial 911, then call daddy and tell the OM he'd better pray that the cops get to him first. And I mean very word of that and my xW knows it too.

You got me fired-up. Sorry.

[mvg]

Here's the deal...XW is now engaged to OM. They bought a house, my boys are there 50% of the time (on paper...they spend more time with me) My attorney has told me that you "can't legislate being a b***h" and that in my state, a mother has to abuse the kids or not feed them/clothe them to lose custody...it's awful.

XW is forcing my hand into playing ball bc she has and will continue to hang their interests over my head. She knows that she can manipulate them and do whatever she wants as long as she remains within the law.

Not really sure what to do.

[kml]

What to do?
- about her email: " I have said nothing about your affair and I cannot control what conclusions others draw from your behavior. "

- about the party: " this is a small town and we will inevitably be at some of the same events. I won't bother you and your fiancé at these events and I would hope you would not bother me or any date of mine. I don't feel it is necessary for me to pretend to be friends with OM"

- if you can, train her to communicate with you only by email. I found this least stressful. If my ex called me, I let it go to voicemail and replied via email. If he texted, I would text back that I sent an email about that. He only ever emails me now

[Rick1963]

Mvg u need to glue ur things back on. Listen not to anything she says anymore. She is totally distrespectful to your marriage and children. You are Free to do as you wish my friend...

[mvg]

Knowing that she will punish the boys for my "behavior," I'm try to figure out when to push back and when not to. This [censored].

[Vanilla]

My answer to the Giggalo

I am a truthful person and tell it like it is. It is important to me that I do this.

I am not going to enable lies.

I am keeping to my routine, going where I want to go, meeting the people I want to meet. If you are there then I expect and will give ordinary courtesy.

If I hear that you have smeared me, as I am an innocent party and you are wayward then I will say whatever I wish.

You cheated, you lied, you gambled, and then left having taken money. These things are provable facts and I do myself and others no favours by disguising this.

These are my boundaries.

So decideally on your boundaries and hold them. Decide on consequences.

Ignore her entitled cheating arse and the dipstick OM that she is with. In my opinion hold your head up, the truth will out any way if it isn't already. Fight for your children and stay silent to them about their wayward mother. You my lovely one are a gentleman who stands in honour.

Head up, you have the power in this, and WW is shaking boots wise.

She is in shame and trying to shift it.

V

[Zues126]

I wouldn't reply to either of those texts.

She doesn't get to tell you what to do. She doesn't get to tell you to protect her from the consequences of her choices. She doesn't get to tell you how warm you have to be towards OM.

Now, IMHO the best way to handle this is not to reply. If you *tell* her any of this, it comes off really weak. One, you are responding to her when she is addressing you with a bitchy attitude. Two, you aren't going to change her mind, you will just be bickering like a divorcing couple. So don't bother telling her what your boundary is, just SHOW her that you won't reply when treated that way and let her figure it out.

As for what she's saying, I don't buy it. I wouldn't pour gas on the fire of local gossip, but it's not your job to put it out for her. What's been done to the kids was by her, and if they hear about it as they grow up you can explain it is just reason 7,021 why when you say "I do" you need to back it up. On the topic of the party, just go and have a good time. You don't owe anything to her or OM. Long term it will be good to not carry anger in your heart for the benefit of you and your children, but that's YOUR journey, on your time, and you can do that without her commentary.

My XW used to talk to me the same way and for two years I have refused to engage with this type of attitude. The picture I have in my mind that I use to guide me: A kid's toy with no batteries. XW can try to hit whatever buttons she wants, the guilt button, the spew button, the victim button, whatever. I am not playing. If she sends me an email that requires response then I first filter the email down to just the basic facts with no emotional tone, and I reply as such. She has basically been speaking to a robot for the last two years. And you know what? These days she doesn't try much of this crap anymore. She is pretty matter of fact, and we have an 'effective' coparenting relationship.

Good luck and hang in.