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SBJ #2712852 10/28/16 08:57 AM
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Here is the story I mentioned earlier...I'm not trying to steal anyone's post, but this totally made sense to me. I have already printed it out to read daily and get myself moving.

It was written by a fellow forum member named Pigpen. This is what you need to be doing.

I can sum up the process and advice that helped the most this way, I think I wrote this story out for someone on here but looking at it like this helped me immensely. I call it "The Two Island Theory."

Island 1 had my W, my M, and my old life on it. I LOVED that island, but it wasn't the best place for me. I thought it was when I lived there but I was overlooking a lot of dysfunction. But I was so heavily invested in living there that I was blind to so much. That blindness made me fight and fight and fight to stay living on Island 1. I had made a commitment to be there, had my life energy, my time, and my finances invested there. Leaving there would be excruciating on so many levels I just couldn't do it.

That being said, I had been kicked off that island with BD. When my WAW left, that island was no longer my home (as Cadet says, at BD things are usually done). The more I fought to get back on the island, the more my W wanted me off of it. She had already moved to her own little fantasy island elsewhere so I was fighting to be there alone or to remain in the memory of it. Mostly in the fantasy of the memory of it. The glorification of it. My mind would play all kinds of tricks with me, changing memories to only reflect the positive, having me use any and every interaction with my W to secretly try to trick her back onto Island 1. And the pain, oh the pain of not being there with her drove me nearly crazy. I NEEDED to be back there with her, at least the old me did.

Buuuuut. When I came on here, the advice was "The only way to get back with your W is to walk completely away from Island 1. To do this, you have to do it down to your core, not just do it in name, but to live it, to breathe it, to fight day in and day out to authentically walk away from it." That's some impossible chit to do, but I had to do it. We all do.

I did it by creating Island #2. That was an entirely new life for me. Sobriety, men's groups, a change of my business, meditation, getting back to surfing, starting a blog, therapy, seminars, constant audiobooks - a rebirth of sorts over and over and over again. The old PP had to go. How he thought, how he reacted to things, how he lived. The new PP had to be born of new experiences - not dissociating from pain, being honest, finding new friends, acquaintances, a new tribe. Changing my DNA through new experiences. Leaving my comfort zone so far behind me I had no idea where the hell it was. Every situation was terrifying, but into them I walked, day after day.

Everyday I would ask myself if I was building Island 2, or staying stuck on Island 1. Was I pretending to be on Island 2 while still secretly living on 1? Was I telling people I had moved on without really moving on?

The key was to fill up my new life (Island 2) with new experiences, with so much richness, so much excitement about the future, so much wonder about what could possibly happen next, and (here's the key) so much GRATITUDE for what I still did have, that I simply stopped thinking about Island 1. I viewed it as my old life while a new one was doing everything in it's power to come out of me. Working with a Jungian therapist helped with this, as did reading stories of people who had similarly lost everything and then rebuilt their lives in exactly the way they wanted to. Cultivating curiosity about where this all may lead and living in that curiosity was a game changer. Suddenly my life went from "all loss" to "holy cow, maybe this all could be leading me somewhere I never would have gotten without it...let's hang out and find out."

Really Surfer, it's about listening to the advice you get here with a mind that says, "How can I take what I'm being told here and live it fully?" as opposed to "How can I take what I'm being told here and use the painless parts of it, or as little as possible, while secretly hoping that doing so gets me my spouse back?" You have to be willing to throw yourself into the unknown day after day after day.

Cadet says to use the time you're given - are you using every single day as an opportunity to better yourself? That's action, not just thought. What actions are you taking day in and day out? Are you relentless about them? Are you the new 5am regular at the gym? Are you getting counseling? Have you hired coaches if you can afford them? How is your life different than how it was in your M? Are you going to meet ups, learning how to salsa, learning a new language, an instrument, changing your wardrobe, etc. How much ACTION are you taking?

Action is the key. That and letting go. Letting go every day. Of the possibility of reconciliation, of the desire to be with your S again, any of it. ALL of the success stories I read had one theme in common - they were done. They had moved on. They were dating someone else and loving it. They had moved across the country. Etc. Then and only then did things shift. It's a double edge sword, to get something back you want you have to stop wanting it! That's a challenge of spiritual magnitude my friend.

Now instead of wanting my W back, I want an incredible partnership. I want to know my partner has my back in all areas. I want exceptional communication. I want us to talk about the hard chit, the stuff that no one else is willing to discuss. I want to be able to lay my entire soul out on the table and say, "This is me. Here are great parts, here are the dark parts, here is the stuff I'm still confused about, here are the potential pitfalls. This is all of me, let's see you."

The type of person I'm going to co-create with will look at everything on that table and say in return, "Awesome, thank you for sharing all of that. I may get scared but I'm not going anywhere. I'm in this especially on the hard days. Btw, here's me. Here's what I've got in my soul backpack."

If that person is my STBXW so be it. I doubt it, she hasn't done the work I have. But if she steps up, we can talk about it. BUT, that's the bar I'm holding for a future relationship. The future Mrs. PP is going to have to be one hell of a woman, because she's getting one hell of a man. No longer am I after just one woman, my STBXW, now I'm after that partner, whomever she may be.


Me 49 W46
T25 M22
S22 D18 S13
W had EA Apr-Jul 2016
Dropped Bomb 7/9/16
ILYBINILWYA
HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17
Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
SBJ #2712861 10/28/16 09:39 AM
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'I have yet to see the passive approach ever work.'

I have. And btw it's not 'passive' it's patient. Doing the right thing at the right time is key.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
MrBond #2712865 10/28/16 09:44 AM
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Originally Posted By: MrBond
'I have yet to see the passive approach ever work.'

I have. And btw it's not 'passive' it's patient. Doing the right thing at the right time is key.


To be fair, being passive is likely 'not' going to work. Sitting around in your house waiting for the day W shows back up...thats just not going to happen.

But I believe in combination with taking an active role in investing yourself IN yourself, giving your W time and space to figure herself out certainly can work.

Basically, leave her to her own pond without muddying up the waters. But at the same time, clear the muck out of your pond and stock it with some sweet @$$ fish.

Also, as Cadet likes to say, doing nothing IS doing something. And is often the best choice smile

MrBond #2712868 10/28/16 09:53 AM
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ok so I have been sitting waiting listening GALing for 2 months(first two week were begging and pleading). Leaning on family and friends. no softening but still getting the "I'm pretty sure I know what I want to do." zero R discussions. W about to come out of her hole and connect with friends this weekend to see how I'm doing and see what I'm saying (mostly what I'm saying she's huge on message control)

Do I buy a suit(for the likely D) this week split money and say look you have been treating me like garbage you have treated this family like garbage for 2 months. Sh$% or get of the pot? What are you going to do or I'm moving on. I have a great support network that I didn't know I had and awesome C, my S and I have been on multiple vacations without W it bothers her immensely but not enough to talk about R. her family is actively trying to get her to see a C on her own as they have no idea what she is doing.

as it relates to timing how do I know when she is ready for BD or am I missing the reference and don't have to go crazy. Or Mr Bond could you explain a passive approach more in-depth and how it could work.


Me - 35 / W - 33
S - 3
Together - 16 Yrs / Married - 10 Yrs
Bomb Dropped - late aug 2016
Moved out - same day 2016
Echotym #2712869 10/28/16 09:54 AM
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I mean patient


Me - 35 / W - 33
S - 3
Together - 16 Yrs / Married - 10 Yrs
Bomb Dropped - late aug 2016
Moved out - same day 2016
MoveFrwd #2712872 10/28/16 09:59 AM
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Originally Posted By: darknes
Also, as Cadet likes to say, doing nothing IS doing something. And is often the best choice smile
Wow - I don't think I've ever had an addendum to one of darknes' posts. Mind you I've been whacked with enough 2X4s from him to pretend to know what he means wink

Don't do nothing. Do things that are good for you and for your family. For your spouse - do nothing. There's really nothing you can do for / to them that will make them attracted to you. Magnets attract because they are attractive. Lighthouses don't run around the island looking for ships to save - they stand strong, firm against the storms and let their lights shine and guide the lost mariners.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Echotym #2712873 10/28/16 10:00 AM
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Also are there any example threads where someone went through similar non cheating spouse that walked and they came back?

Thanks again for everyone's help.


Me - 35 / W - 33
S - 3
Together - 16 Yrs / Married - 10 Yrs
Bomb Dropped - late aug 2016
Moved out - same day 2016
AndrewP #2712875 10/28/16 10:08 AM
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Thanks Andrew and darknes. its just so tough because it makes no sense to anyone. to just up and leave your family thinking everything will be alright with your kid and fine and dandy is such a weird thought.

When she first started talking about this she said oh we will be friends still I'm not taking you away from my family, who I am very close with, it will be fine, things will be great. my reluctance to make things go smoothly have made that reality not so realistic. I wonder if that makes her wonder that this not being a smooth process will make her rethink reconciliation or drive her further from it?


Me - 35 / W - 33
S - 3
Together - 16 Yrs / Married - 10 Yrs
Bomb Dropped - late aug 2016
Moved out - same day 2016
Echotym #2712886 10/28/16 10:47 AM
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Hello Echotym,

I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.

It is no surprise that she said the two of you would still be friends. She wants to live her life on her terms right now with you safely on hold as plan B. You need to be your own plan A. Focus all of your time, effort and energy into being the best Echotym and Dad. Do it for the health and well being of your son and yourself.

Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.

Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004


A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.

Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
Echotym #2712907 10/28/16 12:01 PM
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Originally Posted By: Echotym
ok so I have been sitting waiting listening GALing for 2 months(first two week were begging and pleading). Leaning on family and friends. no softening but still getting the "I'm pretty sure I know what I want to do." zero R discussions. W about to come out of her hole and connect with friends this weekend to see how I'm doing and see what I'm saying (mostly what I'm saying she's huge on message control)

Do I buy a suit(for the likely D) this week split money and say look you have been treating me like garbage you have treated this family like garbage for 2 months. Sh$% or get of the pot? What are you going to do or I'm moving on. I have a great support network that I didn't know I had and awesome C, my S and I have been on multiple vacations without W it bothers her immensely but not enough to talk about R. her family is actively trying to get her to see a C on her own as they have no idea what she is doing.

as it relates to timing how do I know when she is ready for BD or am I missing the reference and don't have to go crazy. Or Mr Bond could you explain a passive approach more in-depth and how it could work.


I think the things in bold are great. Keep doing that stuff. And then add to it!

Let W do whatever it is shes going to do. You worry about you and S.

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