Me and Midlife Wife and Midlife II

[ericmsant2]

Have a great weekend CT!

[CT1118]

Hey man, thank you. You do too. I had tacos tonight with son and spouse (I asked them out, accepted, bill was dutch). Then took my son for the entire weekend (hey - great advice Eric, I asked for this too). He is coloring pumpkins on paper and practicing his name, I am sitting at same table with laptop (floor table, like we are Japanese or something - not sure how this happened, but many strange things happen when a middle aged man gets his own place again.), frequent breaks for the random fun.

Tomorrow, Octoberfest at a fellow Deutsches Bruderplatze. His son was in NICU with my son - he got a babysitter at the house for both our kids while we blitzkreig some Heffe's and Knackwurst with many other German descents and dissidents. Plus, in the morning, I promised my son I would take him by work just for a minute and run the backhoe while he sits on my lap. This may be frowned upon so, shhhhhh......

Sunday - no plans, but weather is really nice, so thinking hike through a swamp or some sand dunes. Would prefer a swamp, but mosquito volume and temperature may dictate swamp entry.

And, if we just sit in the apartment and staree at each other, that is cool too - he's my son. You open or planned? - look more pumpkins!

[Altair]

Kids got to learn how to drive the backhoe at some point. Just saying...! Have fun!

[CT1118]

Altair- put him to bed about 30 minutes ago - if I could post pics I would. Grand irony of becoming a boss, that expertise which got you there becomes less of your average day.

[CT1118]

Been working a whole lot. Feeling of very busy. I felt more together this summer in terms of time and how I spent it, was doing very fun things with most days. Hit the doldrums of midway point in my Master's Degree semester. Just so much reading to do. Going to go out today, buy some new clothes I think.

Had an old friend in town this weekend, grew up with the man. Was good to see him. His W is due w/ their first kid in January. He is one of two friends I have trusted with my whole sitch since the get go. Ironically, he has been thinking of leaving his W the entire time. I have known this. But, for the first time this weekend, I heard him say that he wasn't sure if wanted to or should.

So yesterday he and I met my W and s5 (she has him this weekend) for early dinner. When it was done we all said goodbye and I put my s5 into W's car and kissed him goodnight. Later on when my friend and I got back to my apartment we were having a beer on my balcony, I told him "did you see me put my son into her car and kiss him goodnight? That does not get easier, that never feels good to see him get driven away from me, but that's what it looks like." He said "yeah, I watched it. I felt kind of bad for being there, like maybe it was embarrassing to you or her". I told him "No, it wasn't and that's not why I said it. I said it so you would know what it will look like for you if you leave your wife once your kid is born. It's you saying goodbye to you child and watching them drive away. So really, make sure this is what you want." I gave him my copy of DB before he left this morning. He was very receptive to it.

I went a little dark on W two weeks ago. This week she was very talkative, wanting to speak with me on the phone a lot. Open I would say. She mentioned some really bad spending habits, still stressing on our s5. She called me not long after my friend and I left dinner lest night. She wanted us to come over and hang out at her place. In asking, she was very teenage back and forth, just like I described a few weeks ago when she asked me out for dinner. I declined her offer, said my friend and I were going to meet some other friend at my apartment later, which was true.

Now, some new pants are in my future today, weather has changed and I need something new to put on.

[CT1118]

I can't imagine what I wish to say right now.I will give it a shot, admittedly, not my best shot. I have wanted to come here a tell a story. However, after two exams and the issues at work I am tired of typing. My story has changed, thing is, i felt....relief. She told me she was done and I felt no need: need fro tears, need for control, need for want, need for...., well....her.

Sorry, this is all I have at this moment, not b/c of sitch b/c I am smoked. I thought the days of no sleep due to sitch were tiring, they got nothin' on doubling up to get thru grad school.

[ericmsant2]

CT

Hugs man....post when you can.

One piece of advice - before responding to her...i.e. calling texting, emailing... Come here first and let us know what you plan to say.

[AndrewP]

CT1118 - You've done great and have great things ahead of you my Brother. You have healed and your spirit can now soar free. It turns out that you had use for the snake after all my Prince.

When you get your head back together I'm looking forward to hearing more.

[CT1118]

I just got done with two weeks of mid-terms, 4 papers (finished two tonight), and some training for the Red Cross, which I am particularly excited to join as a disaster first-responder, but the training is excessive - it should be though. On top of that I opened two new buildings at work, hired two new people, and negotiated a 0% loan to consolidate the massive amount of credit debit incurred by my M which is all in my name (I will say she pays what I ask her too, which is half). As well, I was up late last night completing an hour long lecture for a conference which I delivered today to a 150 person audience - that at least released some dopamine for me and I did awesome, which I usually do. Not being conceited, just extremely talented at public speaking, no shame in knowing what you are good at.

In brief, I cannot really give full background on my sitch as it involves my son and medical issues. He was diagnosed with an LD I also have, it is genetic, and it is good this was caught early. Spouse was very upset and told me she had been crying for 48hours and asked if I could send her information on it. OK. So the next day I sent some of the info I had on my hard drive. She is against medicine (won't even take aspirin), so in one sentence I told her that an LD can make an individual feel very lonely and like a disappointment and that medication changed my life. That I felt horrible our son had inherited this (not in a fault way), but it was manageable. She had mentioned something about loving our son and she would only be ok if he was. I had written that love would not conquer this, but it could put fuel in the tank, however, this was going to require work from all of us. My total response really was only about 5-6 sentences, minus the data files.

I got back a response about how I could never disappoint but the idea of feeling loss between her or I was intolerable. She said she would always love me but could not be what I needed, went into stuff about spending her time with a "daft" person (her AP, he got upgraded, last time I received an email like this she called him 'bullsht'. He may wish to high -5 himself if he knew this) And anyway, it went about she doesn't want to hurt me but she will cause me pain because she is a horrible person and all in all, it was identical not only to the other 4 or 5 emails I have received from her in the past 8 months which said damn near identical things and followed, in some places, word for word spew from an MLC that I have either read here or read elsewhere. Each time I received one of these, the circumstance on my end were totally different in terms of anything I may have said which prompted.

So, I don't think I am going to say anything. I don't really want to. Not as a defense, I just don't really care to, don't feel any need to. I am not sure I am really looking for advice, but always open to it. I am not sure how long I have known this, but this is all really my choice at this point. From what she wrote, not explicitly, but she actually thinks that if she just showed up my door and said take me back, that I would. And truth be told, I did feel a minor tug to combat that one, as I would not do something like that without more signs of healing than wanting me. However, my exchanges her in the late summer led me to spend my past 4 weeks with IC discussing control and the 'need' to feel justified. So, I dismissed that feeling pretty quickly and it was gone.

My relief really came from reading that note she sent and thinking about how it made me feel. I would guess on some deep unconscious level I may have wanted a hard test of my feelings. I believe I passed, at least from my criteria. I just felt no need to fix or control her, no need to defend myself (had she been in my face yelling, yup that is a boundary I defend by stopping it, but this was email and I don't know if it would have been yelling in person), no need to explain my motivations.

I am taking my son to his first hockey game tomorrow night. I don't have him on Halloween which is unfortunate, so I will also take him to some city costume event for kids in the morning when she drops him off. I am going to finish this six pack now, which I am drinking not out of reflection or sadness, but out of the fact that I want them and I wish to not think about anything regarding school or work or my sitch - just the Sopranos, which is a show I never saw when it was on and am just now getting to enjoy it.

[AndrewP]

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