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D@mn man. Sorry to hear that

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That's the problem I have a hard time with...not only are they acting crazy different, but you can see it in they're appearance. They just seem to have a different look altogether. I cannot put it into words. I even said to her around the time the BD hit that it looked like she changed her makeup...to which she said that she had not.

Also curious about the Retrouville program...it was recommended to me by a friend for us to attend. The problem is that my W seems way too far gone to even consider it.

Kind of like you...she says she has found a place to live and will move out in a couple of weeks. Also she says she has the D papers ready. I can't win for losing.

All in a days work...crazy is as crazy does!


Me 49 W46
T25 M22
S22 D18 S13
W had EA Apr-Jul 2016
Dropped Bomb 7/9/16
ILYBINILWYA
HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17
Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
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Don't even consider retrouville. You aren't in the position to be recommending anything at this point. In fact, making those types of recommendations to her will most likely do more damage.

No need to try to describe the different look. I know what you are talking about. Think of it this way....they view us as looking differently too! Hence why some distance and detachment will help!


34, xw33
M-10, T-18
2D (8 and 5)
Ilybinilwy-1/16
EA/PA- 7/15-present (with my former best friend)
Trial apartment-2/16 (also when she considers us separated)
W moved out-8/16
W Filed 11/21/16
D final 1/30/17
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Originally Posted By: j20a00g
D@mn man. Sorry to hear that


Don't be, it's honestly for the best and she needs this to continue her journey.

I only agreed to Retrouvaille because at the time she showed remorse and was committed to the M. It's a solid program but hindsight I should have pumped the brakes and taken things slowly, lesson learned is stress/pressure makes the MLCr run the other direction

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Originally Posted By: CaliGuy
Originally Posted By: j20a00g
D@mn man. Sorry to hear that


Don't be, it's honestly for the best and she needs this to continue her journey.

I only agreed to Retrouvaille because at the time she showed remorse and was committed to the M. It's a solid program but hindsight I should have pumped the brakes and taken things slowly, lesson learned is stress/pressure makes the MLCr run the other direction


Hence the reason why detaching and GAL reduces pressure off of them and is effective.

I don't think I would ever do the retrouville thing. Seems incredible religious driven. Not for me


34, xw33
M-10, T-18
2D (8 and 5)
Ilybinilwy-1/16
EA/PA- 7/15-present (with my former best friend)
Trial apartment-2/16 (also when she considers us separated)
W moved out-8/16
W Filed 11/21/16
D final 1/30/17
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SBJ,

they say do not rust anything she says for a reason. The crazy spouse will rewrite history, will lie, will cheat and will steal. Thinking they will not is a big mistake.

They might show signs of remorse, but it is FAKE, they are putting on a show for general public, inside they are dancing and celebrating and frolicking in their newfound freedom. Any signs of doubt you might be seeing you might mistake for clarity or fog lifting. Another BIG mistake.

Let's get one thing PERFECTLY clear and I am going to be blount about it. Your marriage is OVER, GONE, BURIED! It died at BD. There is no question about it, and the sooner you come to terms with it, the better it will be for you. Now this does not mean that there will not be a new relationship with your W, but the old one is KAPUTT.

That being said, as far as your W is concerned, there really is nothing you can do to turn the situation overnight. The best (and only) thing you can do is to let her go, take your nuts out of her purse and start living a life. She has to come to the realization what she wants, and one thing is for certain, one thing she definitely does not want is you (at the moment). Even though you might have loads of good points to be made and even though you probably see things much more clearly, she WILL NOT believe a single thing you say. At best she will politely nod and think the contrary and at worst she will spew. O god how they spew. In her mind it is all your fault and in her mind she had to put up with you for ages and in her mind THE TIME FOR HER HAPPINESS HAS FINALLY COME.

So the only thing you can do is to let her come to the truth herself. Forget MC, forget Retrouvaille, you are years from that. The thing you can do for yourself is not allow her to play you for a patsy.

You have been given the gift of time, make a better person out of yourself, grow, become a better dad, a better neighbor, an all together better person. To not fool yourself that this will blow over any time soon, it will not, your life has just been shaken to the core and I will let you in on a little secret, this could turn out to be one of the best things that has ever happened to you. I know you do not believe me right now, but I am right.

Stay strong buddy, we're here for you...

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The funny thing is that I know you are right on all counts, but the fact that it has only 3.5 months still has me shocked. I have gone from the thought that all was well in my M to D and her moving out that fast. I just wish there was a coping switch that I could flip so that dealing with the separation anxiety would be easier...separation from both my W and kids (at least half of the time). I have been the consummate family guy...always doing for the W and kids. Now I'm having to tell myself to go back to when I was 20 and think and do for myself. That is a hard pill to swallow.

It's kind of funny that our spouses MLC creates our own MLC where we are just as confused as they are. Our only difference is that we know what we want. They on the other hand seem totally dazed and confused.

I saw something this morning that made sense to me...it said:
Beware of destination addiction...The idea that happiness is in the next place, the next job, or even with the next partner. Until you give up the idea that happiness is somewhere else, it will never be where you are.

Maybe:
*Once she is out of the house and I have to spend a week by myself the reality of the situation will actually kick in.

*Not seeing my kids every day will help the reality kick in.

*Having to cook dinner for one instead of 4-5 will help me see.

I'm not saying that this will be easy or that this will be over soon...but to be honest I guess I was hoping for a little divine intervention. I will continue to work on myself physically, mentally & emotionally. I will continue to grow in my faith. I will continue to grow and nurture my friendships, both old and new. I will continue to check things off of my Bucket List...either by myself, with my kids, with friends, or with whomever decides they want to join the party.


Me 49 W46
T25 M22
S22 D18 S13
W had EA Apr-Jul 2016
Dropped Bomb 7/9/16
ILYBINILWYA
HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17
Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
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SBJ

I just caught up with your thread and wanted to point out a few things.

You are getting very good advice.

This decision to “stand” for your M while your spouse is in the midst of a crisis is a very personal one. This decision IMO, has less to do with the “legal” marriage and more to do with the “emotional” marriage. The legal M is just that – a legal contract.

Standing IMO, requires that YOU truly DETACH. It is the only way to survive this. It protects you from continuing to deal with the hurt and pain that is slung your way from someone who is batchit crazy right now. Think about….the more hurt slung your way, the more stuff you have to deal with NOW and potentially later should reconciliation occur.

I want to remind you of what you said on Oct 20th.

Quote:
I love my W 100% and I am willing to STAND as long as I have to save things.


I guess the question you need to ask yourself…is do you love her enough to really LET her GO. Because you will need to. You need to LET HER GO..so that SHE can work through the stuff that she needs to work through.



Quote:
I walk by faith even when I cannot see. 1 Corinthians 5:7 (I believe)

On Oct 23rd.. you posted this ^^^^^ . My question to you….is do you think you live this? Do you think that you can let go and just walk by faith?

As for telling the kids about any potential divorce – IMO, you should be there. This is not about standing up to her – it is about being there for YOUR kids. I do not believe that you should proclaim “I did not want this”, as that does nothing to help the kids deal with this. Trust me when I tell you that they will figure it out over time. Please just remind your kids that this has nothing to do with them. It is not there fault. This is what they will need to hear.

As for a “Morality Clause” – I would not bother. It is a form of control and cannot really be enforced.

Quote:
She told me that she found a condo to rent and that she was moving out in a couple of weeks. Saying that we don't hardly talk anymore and things keep getting worse. I don't know what to do.

As for her moving – let her. It is HER choice. She just may need to do this in order to continue to work through her chit. The kids should stay with you, or at a min. your home should be their primary since that is what THEY are used to.


Chin up dude – I know this stinks. You will make it through this.


"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter".
"Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!"
"Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
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ericmsant2...I understand and agree with all of the advice I have received so far. My problem is taking it. HAHA!

I know that I have NO control over her moving out.
I know that I have NO control over her filing for D.
I know that I should remain emotionally strong for my kids.
I know that I should make positive changes to myself for myself.

The problem I have is that scary 4 letter word called FEAR.

She has always been my rock to hold onto in life's storms. Now it is up to myself to stand solo in all of those same storms. This will, I know, make me a stronger & better man, but it sure is hard to keep a smile on my face while I get started. I know that none of this is my creation, but as I said earlier...her crisis has created a crisis in me...one that I need to squash fast so that I can fully commit to making a better life for me and my 3 kids.

As for the quote, I walk by faith even when I cannot see, that is something that I have reaffirm to myself daily. The good thing is that This community gives us the confidence to move forward thru these storms of life.

Thanks for the uplifting advice...


Me 49 W46
T25 M22
S22 D18 S13
W had EA Apr-Jul 2016
Dropped Bomb 7/9/16
ILYBINILWYA
HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17
Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
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You have nothing to fear but fear itself. You are stronger than you think. Don't plan too far ahead. Focus on one day at a time and no that it's a one step forward, two step back process. If you stumble and fall, we'll be there to help you back up on your feet. Have faith in yourself. You can do this!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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