Hi Esame. I just caught up on your sitch and I'm sorry things have taken the turns they have. You seem to be strong though.
I was so sorry to hear about your sister's problems and your H's reactions reminded me very much of my own H. He didn't even bother to come home when I was in the hospital. He was here (by chance) when my Mom passed, but left before her funeral leaving me alone to deal with it. The empathy/sympathy gene is definitely missing in action when it comes to MLC. If you can just get to a point of expecting nothing in that area you'll be so much better off.
I also found a lot of similarities in how you H behaves toward you when he comes for the weekends. My H used to be the same when he'd come back for a week or two for business purposes. I think they get that way because they find themselves "in reality." I also think being around us causes the guilt they feel to bubble to the surface. It's harder to put that out of their minds when they have to interact with us. I think we interfere with the fantasy and they end up acting out.
I think creating you own space - your own personal safe place - was a smart move. I'm really happy you did that.
I hope someone can chime in on the legal stuff.
Stay strong.
Me: 59 and holding H: :53 Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown M: 19 T: 23 BD: 9-23-2013
Thank you for your honest and supportive supportive replies.
Ciluzen, I think I might have to just do that - let him go. Before he left he asked me again to look into the benefits thing. I said I would, but I would be uncomfortable applying for it if it meant he could not spend the weekends here with the kids. He said "it's only a matter of time until he got his own place and then the kids would visit him at his place". I kind of lost it at that, and said that once again he is doing hat he wants without consulting me at all. He disagreed. I said that for the last 9 months he has done exactly as he pleased and has not compromised at all. I explained that I understand he feels we are done, and that is ok, but for me the arrangement we had is as much as I can cope with, and that basically no matter what happens between us I hope that we can do parent successfully. Apparently he just wants to do as he pleases, so I told him that I cannot deal with that now, and that I will look into a counsellor that can advise us how to do things.
To say I'm struggling is an understatement, I know families break down all the time, but I never thought I would be a single mum of three in a foreign country with no support network. According to H the kids will be fine, "kids are always ok". I told him he is crazy if he thinks that, and the proof that kids are not ok when their family is dysfunctional is the way we are dealing with this, that we are the product of broken homes, and why are we doing the same to our kids. He called me unreasonable for not giving him a divorce, even after I explained that the law states that we can only divorce two years after separation.
I don't know what to do. Every week he is worse, maybe I should just file for divorce and be done with it.
2T, I think in all the madness my space has been vital to me keeping my sanity. That little room with the cushion overload is my sanctuary, and I love it.
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
Yep I'm officially struggling. I don't see how this can have no impact on the kids, I cannot understand his thinking. One week he wants us to get counselling to minimise the impact on the kids and the week after he wants to move things along as fast as possible. I don't know what to do. I am officially broken. I'm dreading seeing him now, every weekend he wants more and more and more. He even mentioned the money agreement will change because I'm being unreasonable. I feel like I need to talk to someone and get some help, but I know I shouldn't involve anyone else in this as it will be counterproductive. But maybe I should accept things are truly over and get some help.
I suppose if I had some help understanding how to not hurt the kids I could handle it? Or maybe I simply cannot accept that side of a divorce and I have to work very hard at dealing with it.
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
Hi Esame, I'm sorry your H is making things especially difficult. When they say it has no effect on the kids it screams that things aren't right with them. My w still maintains this mentality too. I think they have to tell themselves that to keep their guilt at bay. Be the rock for your kids, they need you while your h flops like a fish out of water. My w goes back and forth about getting her own place too. I know it's stressful to hear. If your sitch is like mine he's not the one getting the hard questions at bedtime or kids coming in during the middle of the night. Try to keep detaching (I'm one to talk) and focus on yourself and kids. I try my best to stay busy with them, it helps us all (especially since my opportunity for excersise is pretty much nil right now).
I wish I had something better to offer. Thinking of you and your kids, take care!
I am so sorry things are getting worse. As others mentioned - let him go. By saying that I don't mean to file for divorce (I would advise you against filing. If he wants a divorce, he should be the one filing) but I mean let him get his own place and don't insist on him coming for weekends. Kids most likely already know that there is something wrong (the two older ones). If you can explain to them gently that mom and dad need some time apart to figure things out... However, if you think you cannot manage 3 kids all by yourself for a while then keep insisting that he helps. After all, they are his 50% responsibility.
Regarding the benefits, I'm not in the UK, just across the channel, so don't know how it goes in the UK. Here, the separation needs to be proven by the official change of address of one of the spouses, lease agreement is apparently now enough. So, this made me think whether he insists on you asking for the benefits so he has a proof that you are officially separated (if it's the same rule in the UK). Just a thought. Yes, do check this legal stuff, it's important that you get informed and don't let him push you into anything you are not ready to do. You need to stay strong to be able to go through this crazy period so take only what you are able to deal with and postpone what can be postponed.
Nothing changed since Sunday, I'm keeping busy and trying to do things for the kids. I started preparing for Halloween, that seems to make the kids happy at the moment, so it works for me.
H called the kids on Monday and Tuesday night. That's a first, he has never done it before. It was nice for the kids, a little awkward for me though.
I managed to sleep better last night, and I feel so much better for it! Also I managed to leave MIL out of all the drama of my marriage, she wants to help, but no one can help us now, we just need to go through it. She is spending time with her mum for the first time sinc her diagnosis back in March, and she deserves to enjoy some time with her family without worrying about us.
It's my weekend "out" this week! I'm going out with my friends on Friday, and then visiting friends an hour away on Saturday. No plans for Sunday yet, but I'm working on it..
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
Esame, I'm in the UK like you (and a foreigner like you), and you are entitle to have a 30 minutes consultation with a solicitor regarding your financial situation. I'd strongly advise you to do it.
I have a legal separation agreement where all the finances, child maintenance and access to kids have been sorted as we sold our house while still married but separated. I looked after my kids and myself financially. This agreement isn't properly recognised as such by the court in a divorce case, but I gives the judge a good basis to work from. My solicitor indicates that if H tries to argue this agreement in court, the judge would be likely to question H's motives as he signed willingly the paper.
I know my M is over and it's very unlikely I will save my marriage, but I'm a very stubborn person and my view is that if H really wants a new life with OW he needs to be the one to put the final nail in the coffin (ie file). He now needs to take responsibility for his actions as I'm no longer being cooperative and making his life easier. H said I made the decision for him (between me and OW) when I kicked him out, I put the house on the market and dealt with the sale, and dealt with the separation agreement. So far I feel I have facilitated his life with OW, not anymore!
Do you intend to get married soon again? If not why would you want to file? Let him do the dirty work himself, but look after yourself financially.
If I'm honest Rouky I don't intend to get married again EVER, but something tells me that H has different ideas. If he is indeed having an EA (or PA by now) with my "friend" that I think he is, she is a high maintenance golddigger and WILL cost him a lot of money. I cannot believe that I'm being so civil and I have not embarrassed the little cow to all our friends and her family, she is helping H destroy our family and is wishing me all the best for my kids on Facebook at the same time. How can people be so two faced? Anyway, I think he wants his freedom so that he can do whatever he wants guilt-free. Somehow he still insists he has not cheated and doesn't want to cheat, but I don't believe much that comes out of his mouth nowadays. I want to delay the divorce as much as possible, and after checking the law, if he is the one that files he needs to do it under "separation" and for that he needs to prove we have been separated for two years. If I agree at that point we can divorce or if I say no I can delay it for five years (I don't see that as fair though, so I will probably agree to it after two years I guess). Then again maybe in a few months I will think all is fair and not agree to anything he wants, who knows.
We have no assets here, we only rent, but I have a little property back home. We will both inherit some property that was for our kids, so my biggest future financial concern is that he wastes that instead of giving it to our kids. My agreement with H is that if he wants "to leave to pursue his happiness" he needs to be able to pay for me to stay at home looking after the kids, but of course in the first ever fight he threatened me with only paying for the kids. It's crap. If I told him it's ok, he would file tomorrow, it's insane. He thinks after 16 years a quick goodbye will do. And he is struggling to be friendly even when I'm not pursuing or trying to talk to him about us or anything other than coparenting. He says he doesn't understand how I can act like everything is ok, and that he doesn't want to pretend anymore.
I'm very stubborn too, and I somehow cannot give up fighting for my family. I think a divorce now would be an epic mistake, and I want to stop all D talks, but he brings it up indirectly, through money talks etc. Maybe we can outlast this, maybe not.
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
So the dreaded weekend is here, and I'm not sure what to expect from H. I'm going out tonight, so that's one day out of the way. Tomorrow I might meet some friends for coffee and get my hair done. I should be happy with my plans. I should be looking forward to things rather than dreading a visit from a man that used to make me happy. I'm particularly apprehensive this week as a few things that H said last weekend are playing in my mind. For example he mentioned how he could not understand how I can act/be normal and happy when he is here,I thought we are supposed to appear normal? Is it his guilt not letting he enjoy a normal weekend? I did not have any expectations of him, I just wanted a nice environment for the kids, I didn't pursue, flirt, initiate talks. How am I supposed to be around him? Be horrible? I don't even feel like doing that, why should I? Shouldn't he pleased I'm "acting" normal? I think maybe I should distance myself from the situation? I honestly don't know how to react. I think maybe tomorrow I'll take my DB books and just go somewhere to read and have some me time. Maybe I'm missing some key step in this. How do I deal with the resentment he has against me?
I don't know what to do, I'm really thinking of asking his some time with no R talks or no discussions at all? Anyway they are not R talks really are they? They are D talks, and maybe that's why I'm trying to avoid them at all costs.
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
The comment about acting normal is one that was put to me by my xh after I told him that he could leave before Christms which was 3 weeks away. They don't understand that we can go on and to them we do appear normal. They don't understand that we are torn up inside and they think we should be crying, begging and pleading w/them to stay. That would give them even more justification to do what they are doing.
He does feel a good bit of guilt for what he's doing and he's still searching for justifications. As for the resentment, there's nothing you can do about that at the moment. He needs to feel this way in order to do what he's doing, after all, in his mind, you are the reason that he is unhappy.
I wouldn't say one word to him about some time w/no R talks. if he brings it up, change the subject or walk away or just tell him that this is not the time to have those discussions as it's taking up his attention that should be focused on the children. You have the choice as to stay there and engaged in R and D talks...you make the decision to walk away and not discuss them at this time.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
