Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 5 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 10 11
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
"when I express an opinion about something, he comes in and fights with me about my opinion."

I'm not sure where you thought he was "fighting" your opinion. He has opinions just as you do. Did he say your opinion or statement was "dumb" or "stupid"? if not, then you probably just have a difference of opinion which two people are entitled to have. Even married ones. Sometimes spouses believe that they should always be of like mind. Doesn't work that way.

He's got his answers based on his background, experiences, etc. Just as you do. It could be anything from political candidates to which laundry detergent is better.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 3,925
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 3,925
Hi fight

Was you H the type to create a fight pre mLC or is this new behavior

If it new, it may be the crises..A lot of Mlcers will to prove us wrong or start a fight so they can justify a reason for leaving

Either way- you did great by not reacting and making light of it

About being a friend..This may be new behavior for you

I think Its about listening/validating our MLC being supportive without overdoing

supporting them when asked and detaching without judgement the rest of the time

Not asking for anything from them,,but giving when Its appropriate
Thanking them for the little things they may do-

This probably confuses them -but we are being a friend to our spouse who is in a mental breakdown of sorts(MLC)
This creates peace in the R b/c they can pursue their replay behaviors with no interference from us.
the truth is we can't stop it, so we are allowing and standing beside them it b/c we love them
MY DB coach told me a while back to try a behavior and if it brings them closer continue it--If it pushes them away try another behavior
Our goal is to save the M..but whatever the outcome we learn from our choices and I can honestly say I have no regrets--I did everything I could have at that time to be there and help our M and may XH
Then I let go..The results are Gods


married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
Joined: Sep 2016
Posts: 215
F
FightOn Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
F
Joined: Sep 2016
Posts: 215
Hi there!

Mr. B - I feel H's behavior extends beyond a mere difference of opinion. For example, if I casually remark about what a beautiful day it is, H will counter with some criticism - ranging from "well it is a little humid" to "there are a lot of clouds in the sky" to whatever. Frequently, he has to counter what I say.

It is quite annoying. And it all started during his affair. He was never like this before.

In my quest to understand - is it me or is it him? Is it the way I am saying things to him (because I don't have this concern with anyone else)? I found a name for what he does; it's called Oppositional Conversation Style (so named by Gretchen Rubin).

I don't understand it. I would like to because I would like to find a way to counter it or stop it. I would like to know what I can do to change it. Perhaps there is nothing I can do to change it, I just need to change my reaction or my perception of it?

Thoughts?

Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
job Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
FightOn,
I'm not expert, but from where I'm sitting, you may have two choices on OCS behavior:

1) ignore his comments and continue on doing whatever you are doing; or

2) tell him that you disagree and shut the conversation down.

Some of this behavior is just "habit" from attempting to speak up and express themselves when they were younger...but it does get to be annoying after awhile. I don't think you are going to change his behavior and you have to remember...you can't control him or his behavior, but you can change the way you respond/react to it.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Joined: Sep 2016
Posts: 215
F
FightOn Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
F
Joined: Sep 2016
Posts: 215
So I have another newbie question . . .

We are travelling 2000 miles to visit his side of the family in the coming month.

His family is aware of the situation (i.e., his continued pursuit of the OW and his wanting a divorce). They are incredibly supportive of the marriage and believe he is making a terrible mistake.

His family members have offered to watch our son for an evening so H and I can go on a "date." I have not broached the subject with H.

How would I broach this subject with him w/o putting pressure on him? I certainly wouldn't call it a "date." Or should I just pass?

Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
job Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
FightOn,

Things can change very quickly w/a person in crisis. For now, I would put the idea of broaching the subject of going out for the evening aside. If his family should offer to watch your son while you are there, then that would be the time to say, "hey, do you want to catch a movie or go out for a bite to eat?" However you handle this, you need to pose it as a question that he can decide what he wants to do.

If you say something to him now, he will think that you and his family are conspiring against him, i.e., putting pressure on him to conform to the old him and/or making plans w/o his input.

Just my two cents.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Joined: Sep 2016
Posts: 215
F
FightOn Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
F
Joined: Sep 2016
Posts: 215
Thank you Job! It may only be your two cents, but it is worth a lot more to me. I am so grateful for the help. I knew I could count on someone on these boards to help me figure out what to do.

It is so hard to know what to do most of the time so I do nothing. I hardly say anything and I stay away from him as much as possible when one lives under the same roof with someone. In a way, it's a 180 for me. I keep reminding myself that doing nothing IS doing something (I read that somewhere here, I just can't remember who to attribute it to.)

I went to our former couples therapist for a session. He has a lot of experience with MLC. It was nice to talk to someone who just gets it. He was very encouraging and reinforced many of the things I have learned here. I have saved a lot of posts, highlighted a lot in the books I have read, and written notes and I just go over and over and over it to remind myself of everything. There is so much to learn and implement . . . I am trying to change the way I communicate because I want so badly to be better at this.

Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
job Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
Here's a quote that we use around here quite often:

"When in doubt, do nothing"


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 3,925
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 3,925
Fight



Just read some of your latest posts
You sound good and on the right track

hang In!


married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
Joined: Sep 2016
Posts: 215
F
FightOn Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
F
Joined: Sep 2016
Posts: 215
My H has been out of town the part of the week, and the other part, I went to visit my sister. We have not seen each other for over a week. And what a wonderful week it has been. Not having him around has been such bliss. I can really say that I have not missed him. In fact, when I made the drive back home, I dreaded it. I knew I would have to see HIM.

I have been trying to assess what that means. Does it mean I have reached the end of my rope? Does it mean I no longer love him? Does everyone who loves their spouse miss them when they are gone? Or does it just mean I needed a break?

What I do know, is that I do feel more detached. More, “whatever” when it comes to him. I hope this detachment feeling isn’t temporary.

We are visiting his family in a few days. I know this will be a difficult trip for him. Since his family found out about his infidelity, he has avoided contact with them. He just cannot face them. He even suggested that I take our son to go visit them without him because he just could not make the trip. Only after his therapist told him he thought it would be good for him to make this trip did he accede and agree to go.

Before our one week vacation from each other, I had visited with my two therapists. One of whom has a lot of experience with MLC and claims to be friends with Jim Conway. They both told me that I should try to initiate sex with my husband. It has been something I have been thinking about. I have been longing for physical affection from him. It is so weird for me to be in this house, see him every day, talk to him every day, and yet never touch him. Despite my reluctance, I swallowed my pride, tried it (two therapists can't be wrong, right?), and landed flat on my face. He outright rejected me saying he didn’t think it was a good idea. Wow. Talk about feeling rejected. It was why I did not want to try in the first place and here I am. What a terrible idea. Never should have done it. I should have listened to inner voice.

I have been reading a lot of old posts in the MLC section. One thing that has been recurring is the statement that MLC’ers will often “check” to see if the LBS is in the same place they were when they left. What does that mean? What kinds of things do they do when they “check?” And why would they do that?

Page 5 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard