You really just had set your boundaries with him, and he crossed them by being with OW. You had to enforce those boundaries or your words would have been meaningless, right? We all have those doubting moments, but remember; the focus should be on you, not on what his reaction in the short term is. You kept your word. That is worthy of respect. Respect your own strength in standing for your boundaries and in turn, standing for your marriage. If you didn't, would you have respect for yourself? Would he, if he truly was thinking about it, have more respect for you enforcing your words, or caving in because you were afraid of what he (who was doing what he shouldn't be doing) chose to do regardless of your stated boundaries? How are you NOT fighting for your marriage by refusing to allow a third person in?
We all have self doubting days. But you set that boundary; one that SHOULD be a given in any marriage. I believe they tell themselves things, make excuses to justify their behavior, even though as much as PA and EAs are common, they are still not thought of as ok. THEY dont really even think they are ok. Its just that others don't often confront them...they just feed the gossip mill.
So, Rouky, keep doing what is in all actuality, standing STRONG for your marriage. Let him do what he will do. Remember you can't fix him, but if he opens his eyes he will see that you were strong and really did stand...up to him as well as for your marriage. There should be no doubt or guilt for you in that.
Big hugs to you! (((Rouky)))
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
I'm just wondering at times if I'll get over this trauma. I have looked deep about my part in how I contributed to the situation, and I'm making the changes. Even my friends are telling me that I look more confident, happier and less stress. Even my relationship with my kids is far more better than it has ever been (as I no longer fe l like a rubbish mother!), so all in all I can see the changes and I like them. I'm not unhappy in my life as I'm doing things I'd never have done with H (and out of my comfort zone), but I can't stop thinking that H is having a great time with OW, when if he had offered me support with my depression and kids, maybe I'd not have been so cold to him! At times I feel it's unfair as I have been faithful, looked after the house, our kids, never stopped him in what he wanted to do (well to a certain extent!), and supported him in what ever new adventure he wanted to do (even if it couldn't see it fit with a family life!). Well I need to move on thinking that he has passed and what would I do if it was really the case?
Rouky I don't think you should blame yourself, you did your very best to save your marriage, you cannot blame yourself. What ifs don't help. It's great that you are reflecting on the last and learning from your mistakes, but you did your best. Take care sweetie xxx
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
Had a bit of a rough afternoon. Went to the pictures with kids and I was sad most of the film. It's a brilliant film (happy for kids), but some of the moments were very true to home, so once kids went with their father I cried!
My life is better by any means since the separation, so why I am still feeling like rubbish! I do a lot of things with and without kids, so I really don't understand why I'm like that!
H is really on another planet. After spending his last week of holidays with OW ( instead of keeping it to spend it with his kids), he texted me today asking if he could drop the kids tomorrow ( it's his weekend as we swapped) as he has a tournament to attend! To put things into context, H knew about this tournament a while ago as he was on holidays last week with the very same people who organised this tournament. In September he told those same people that he couldn't play a tournament because he was away for OW's birthday!
So now I can see that despite putting up appearances that he is a good father and put his kids first, he hasn't changed and look after himself first like he did throughout our M. I think he was expecting me to drop what I had planned, or maybe he was expecting to be at home so I'd say yes ( my SD's mother used to accept him changing his plan to see his eldest daughter at the last minute). I see to be like her and accept his decisions and follow what he wanted as I was scared to lose him. As I have lost him now, this doesn't apply to me anymore, so I texted him back saying that I had plans (which I have) and that I can't change them at short notice! I haven't hear from him since then, so I don't know where my kids are tomorrow, I have to trust him as their father not to put them in danger.
My only worry is that he could say to the kids that their mummy doesn't want them tomorrow so that is why they have to go to X. I do hope my kids see him for who he is as someone who would prefer to do his hobby than spending time with his kids. I was wondering how long he'd put the act on fir being the father of the year! Exactly 20 months, and he is about to reproduce the same pattern as with his eldest! The only difference is that I won't bend forward and backwards to satisfy his needs! I'm not a doormat anymore.
Forgot to add that last week H answered my queries about girls with a lot of details to explain why he couldn't do such things, while all I required was a yes or a no! Usually H doesn't elaborate his answers! I found it very funny TBH!
Had to cry today to release the pressure! Kids spent some time with OW and when they go back home they said they had a great time and that they like her. I told them, do you realise who she is and why mummy is upset by what you said. All I got was quote: I know, I know you told us who she is.
How kids can be so cruel? I spent all week taking them where they wanted to go, we did have a great week. Then that, it really hurt me!
Breathe! They are just kids and don't understand totally what has happened. Kids don't think before they blurt out things. Their empathy chips are still being developed.
I know that what they told you cut deep, but let it go. It was just one day of how many? Try not to compare what you do w/your kids to what the ow does w/them. After all...you are their mother and they won't forget that. Disney ow will eventually get old and stop doing fun things w/them.
Breathe!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Do you really believe this Job? The more I get through this journey, the more I realise that maybe H is right. Maybe I'm a bad person, maybe I deserve what is happening to me, maybe this situation is my karma for having put my H first, for not being more outgoing, joyful.
Really having a hard time as I feel that H had never had the intention to save our M, and I feel so stupid for being so naive that love will conquer it all! How come he deserves to be happy when it's based on hurting other people?
But most importantly is why am I still loving someone who always put his needs first, never support me with our children (even my SIL have admitted that if I wash negative and not fun it was because H never gave me any support!), and didn't blink an eye in cheating on me!
I deserve to be happy too, unfortunately at the moment I don't know how to do it! Life [censored] and the fact that H has had no consequences whatsoever for how he treated me seems so unfair.
Yes, I really believe it! I don't come here to offer up sugar coated advice and support. I do not believe in saying things that will only make you feel better just so that you can get through the day. I believe in being as honest as I can be w/the posters and w/people IRL. I see someone who is drinking far too much Kool-Aid that her h is giving her and you need to stop drinking that mess.
I want you to think about something today and hopefully it will bring you a bit of comfort to know that the Disney OW isn't all that confident about herself. She's trying to please your h by being fun and doing things w/your children. She's trying to convince him that she's right there for him and will do everything in her power to keep him focused on her. She knows that the relationship is based on a house built on sand, i.e., lies and the affair. She also knows, that at any time he could walk away and return home to you or even meet someone else for that matter. She can't compete w/you or the number of years you and your h were together. She can't compete w/the wonderful/happy memories that you and your h have together and she certainly can't compete w/you because you are the mother of his children. She knows that at any time her world could and will come crashing down. But, it all takes time. I may be wrong, but I think she's jealous of what you and your h had and shared w/each other. Rouky, you don't need to compete w/her. You had the best years of your h's life. What does she have? A broken man, a man who lives behind lies, a man who left his wife and children and is having an affair w/Disney OW. He's not the person you knew and the one she has...well...I wouldn't want to be walking around in his shoes.
So, I would strongly suggest that you put down that glass of Kool-Aid that your h served you and take a good, long, hard look in the mirror. The woman I see, from your postings, isn't a bad person at all. I see someone who has been rocked to the core and is trying to recover her footing. I see a woman who loves deeply, not only her children but her h too. Please, please stop drinking the Kool-Aid. I want you to dump that mess out, pick yourself up and say each and every day..."I am a great mom, I love my children very much and will do everything I can to ensure that they are safe and happy. I am a great person who deserves better and I'm going to make each day better and better for myself. I have so much to be thankful for and I will continue on my own life's journey w/or w/o my h in it. I'm going to open my arms and embrace each day and I am up for whatever challenge comes my way." The more positive and confident you are, the more positive things and people will come your way.
When we come here, we all feel that our spouses never had any intention of saving the marriage. How could we feel any different? They are depressed, confused, unhappy and very dissatisfied w/their lives. We can't convince them otherwise, even though we spent a long time w/them. They have to go on this journey to figure things out. Sure, some don't return, but I've seen plenty IRL that divorce and then remarry a few years after their crisis ends and the marriages are better than ever. Some wake up and want to return home...but you, Rouky, will be the one to determine whether you want to try again. You are not a stupid woman for believing in love and that it conquers all.
Is your h truly happy? Well, it may appear that way. Maybe the brass ring hasn't tarnished yet and it's all still new to him. When the novelty of the affair and the fun and games begin to wane, that's when he'll seek other things to make him happy. He'll continue to hit the brick wall over and over again and then one day, he may very well realize that the brick wall isn't going to give him what he wants. Sure, people can be happy w/material things and continue to buy and buy, etc., but at the end of the day, they are just "stuff". The person is still unhappy because happiness comes from within. At the end of the day, you are the one that will be happy because your happiness comes from within and not from material things or being w/someone. Sure, we all would like to have that special person in our lives to share things with, but that doesn't mean you need them there to happy w/yourself. The consequences of his actions will come...but it's a while down the road.
Yes, Rouky, you deserve to be happy and you are the only one that has control over how to do it. First order of business...dump the glass of Kool-Aid down the drain, then make a list of things/projects/hobbies that you would like to do and also make a list of those items that you would like to do, but have never done before (time to think outside the box). It's time to think about Rouky and how she wants to live her life for today. Keep your focus on one day at a time.
You can do this!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
