Quick run down of my sitch. H left up in May 2016 saying that he did not love me, didn't think he ever loved me, didn't think we had a had anything in common or anything to talk about anymore. He has rented a one bedroom flat for 12 months and had left quite a lot of his stuff behind.
I've gone dark for nearly six weeks and not a peep from H except to respond to a birthday text to him. I am now trying to take the next steps towards moving forward. I have made a sort of pact with Altair that in order to stop focusing on our H's we are just going to concentrate on ourselves. So far we are discussing getting Altair a pet that doesn't make any noise, is needy and loving and can fit in her purse. Oh and a pet she can have in an apartment that doesn't allow them!
At the end of my last thread (sorry I can't quote!) Blu said that I needed to let go and Job told me that I can move forward/let go and still have hope. This is what was confusing and worrying me. I do feel much stronger for going dark and my need to speak with H is getting less and less but I am also worried that as time goes on my feelings for him are starting to go too. Is this normal?
I also have trouble with knowing what to do with H's stuff and whether the process of getting him to pick up the rest of his stuff will help to let go. Again Job advised that I should leave it up to him if he wants to collect it and I'm glad about that because since leaving he has left all the decisions up to me and I'm fed up of it!
Andrew - you are right our sitch's and S's are very similar indeed! Are you up for joining me and Altair in just talking about stuff other than out S's?
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
Coly23 - That's a bet that I'm sure to lose but am willing to try my best. I "am" very competitive so the challenge cannot be passed up. Mind you, I'm posting this on your thread so that when I eventually lose it won't be seen on mine ;-)
Thanks for making me one of the "girls". At this time of year I usually have a big bushy beard for the winter but am clean-shaven still. Not sure if I'm going to grow one this year or not. Movember (a great cause) is coming up but the usual team is silent. So - try not to notice the stubble and we can gossip about the neighbours and trade self-care tips.
WRT the "stuff" - it helped me to be able to pack it all away out of sight. It makes the house feel more "mine". Over nearly 30 years I'm sure you can imagine how it is scattered everywhere. One junk drawer took me over 1/2 hour to do. This way I don't feel like I've abandoned W (did I just lose already?) and am staying true to when I promised to take care of her stuff. A big challenge has been pictures. Much of the artwork that we had collected left including a number of originals by unknowns. I've filled in the empty hooks mostly with family pictures that I found stuffed in various drawers. I was joking with a friend today that if any potential NG shows up in the house they won't be threatened because in almost all those pics were from a trip we took to Disney about 10 years ago when W was probably around 180 lbs at 4' 11"" (why do I feel like Hagrid in Harry Potter who kept repeating "I shouldn't have said that" - lost again?) Yes - she looked good to me then and still does.
I like your current title even if I don't completely understand it. Especially earlier in my journey I tried to focus on one step at a time, one day at a time. We'll get there GF - we just have to practice looking forward. We'll see the future that way.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I think that is a great pact with Altair and I wish you well with that. In my situation, it has really helped to bring new things and people into my life. They bring genuine pleasure and slowly the XH sized hole has become smaller - hopefully a mere pin prick at some point.
One thing I did for a while was - each month - tried a new GAL activity that could become a regular thing. For me, these included yoga, tai chi, dancing, singing, volunteering, book club, divorce group, social group. Not all of them stuck - but a number of them did, so that I do now have a life...so - maybe one new thing in November to get you started??
As for your H's stuff - I would say, do what works for you, and don't worry too much about impact as long as you are being reasonable with him. So, leave it in situ, move it into a single room, pack it up, send it on, ask him to collect it - whatever works best for you. And if you are not yet ready to decide - no problem. For me, I had a load of marital stuff that I wasn't ready to let go and didn't want to have on display either. For a good 18+ months it all went in a big case under the spare bed. After that time, I went through it and gave 95% to charity - I was ready...
Hope this helps anyway. And I look forward to seeing your focus firmly on you! Xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
What an upbeat post Coly! We really need more of those.
You got some excellent advice so far, I think GAL is the key. For me it is running, reading, a diet club, and looking after my appearance more. Whatever works for you really. I'm also planning to get the kids some pet bunnies later but it will be MY gift to them so I'm not letting H know about it
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
If you decide he needs to come get his stuff, don't be surprised if he doesn't drag his feet on this. Many of them leave things behind and don't return to get them. We eventually either give them away or unload them on their doorstep or just store them away.
In my case, my xh left everything here and when my mother and I packed up his clothing, coats and shoes, it took him another 4 months to finally come get them. His excuse? It had been snowing and he couldn't get here. Guess what, he lived exactly 40 miles from me and we traveled the same roads, so, if I went to work...it sure as heck wasn't snowing during all of that time. If they do pick the stuff up, they generally do not unpack it. Why? Because it's reminders of the good life they had in the past.
One, thing that I have always found interesting, they'll come around eventually will take some things that you won't notice missing until much later. Some take photos, chairs, coffee cups, etc. Just because those items happened to be in their line of vision at the time they got the urge to take something. One individual in England took the steps to the shed w/him. They eventually reconciled, but the steps were never returned to the shed. A friend of mine had a young son and her xh came into the home while she was away and too the child's little desk chair. See? There's no rhyme or reason to why they do stuff because it's all based on emotions.
Whatever you decide to do, think about redecorating and making the space entirely yours once you've put his stuff in another room, etc.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I read your feedback from Job and others. Perhaps instead of saying to give up hope, I could have said to give up expectations. If we don't expect anything or a certain response from them, then we can further protect ourselves from the dissapointment. Hopefulness has different meaning to different people. I always struggled to give up hope and still do. (((Coly)))
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Hi Coly, great first start to your new thread. Great idea for you, Altair, and Andrewp to all support each other in your efforts to take the focus off your spouses and back for yourselves! In terms of goals, think small and reward yourself for reaching your milestones! I found my short term goals were better achieved because I was able to keep my focus and energy strong! If it took too long to achieve, part of my drive would lessen just a bit. So I just wanted to go back-to back- to back with experiences/goals. It's worked for me anyway!
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
Lol, yeah Feyth, I think Coly and I are on a per 24-hour basis. Andrew P is a wild card, that one. Feyth, I can't BELIEVE how many runners are on this site. A marathon for me, I think, is a pipe dream. But Coly and I will come up with something.
me 42 H 32 T 7yr M 6yr BD 5/2016 ILYBNILWY Separated 7/2016
Evening All! Thanks so much for all your comments in my new thread and Job thank you for posting the link to my old one!
Andrew & Altair, we can post stuff on our own and each other's threads and if there is anything significant occurring in our sitches then off course we should post about it! Let's not have too many rules just fun!! If anyone else wants to join in you are welcome!
Job, Sotto - I was hoping that leaving clothes behind might mean H is undecided about moving out completely but I guess as you say some don't want those clothes anymore as they are a link to the past... I would be surprised as he has left some very nice suits in his wardrobe!
Esame, thanks for stopping by. I love that you are going to get your kids bunnies! I loved our bunny she was a real character. Probably the nosiest bunny in the world! Anything we got new she had to come over to have a look and investigate!
Feyth, I think your right about starting small. Like Altair, I'm not sure if I could manage a marathon but I might try for a 10k next year. I did do one a few years ago but it would be good to have another go and see if I can beat my time!
Blu, I like what you said about having hope but no expectations. I'm beginning to see that this is what causes me spiral with disappointment. The NC is the best way for me to prevent this happening. I think the hope will always be with me but for now I need to push it to one side of my heart and move forward with my life.
So GAL activities. I went to the gym straight after work and ran 3k, did some weights and sit ups. I've also booked in for yoga tomorrow night at my gym. It will be my first time and I'm really looking forward to it. An old work friend texted me tonight to arrange to meet up in November (she is very busy and has a baby so has to book things well in advance). I was going to see some friends at the weekend but they have had to cancel due to unforeseen circumstances I'll probably go to the gym again at the weekend and plant some spring bulbs that need to be planted asap!
How is everyone else doing?
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
Feyth, I think your right about starting small. Like Altair, I'm not sure if I could manage a marathon but I might try for a 10k next year. I did do one a few years ago but it would be good to have another go and see if I can beat my time!
I did 9 1/4K last Sunday - not quite a 10K. Mind you it took me 2hrs 40min but I got some nice pictures After-all it doesn't matter does it how fast you finish a marathon - it matters that you finished.
Originally Posted By: Coly23
Blu, I like what you said about having hope but no expectations. I'm beginning to see that this is what causes me spiral with disappointment. The NC is the best way for me to prevent this happening. I think the hope will always be with me but for now I need to push it to one side of my heart and move forward with my life.
Coly23 - You might want to check out material on the Stockdale Paradox again for some inspiration. Expect that you WILL finish this marathon and that you will be better for it. Neither you, nor I nor Altair nor many others know where the finish line is or what it looks like because we aren't there yet.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Well done on the hike Andrew and as you say all that matters is that you finished!
I have heard of the Stockdale paradox. Is it about prisoners having expectations of when the hoped to be freed? The ones who had hope of being released by a certain date didn't do to well?
By the way the title for my thread is just to say that my steps gonna forward at the moment are only small ones (dolly steps). No giant leaps for me as yet!
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
You have moved! I have been catching up on your thread. I am glued to it but have to dash to do some work.
What was the TED Talk you watched? I have been reading for the last 20 mins looking out for a link in your thread.
I hope you are well and happy.
BTW - I had a shock moment (like in the reveal on who shot JR). I didn't realise that Job was a lady! Sorry Job, no footer and I never read anything about you, as such, just always giving great advice but not revealing much about you. But I saw a reference to a WH and my jaw hit the floor. LoL. Sorry I hope that's not offensive.
Surfer
M46/W40/D8/S6/T20/M12/Separated 6/2016,W takes kids Issues2009 Wpartying w/g.f's2013on EA2013PAdeniedWleavesMBR ImeetAP/EAhalts VariousBDDates MFCourse WSpew EAresumes I halt Wrages DBIng4/2016
Hey Surfer, thanks for coming over for a visit! Here have a cup of tea and a slice of cake!
I feel really comfortable over here Surfer. Whether my H is having a mid life crisis I dont know but I think he is having some sort of crisis. As you can see from my recent posts I am going to take the focus of H and put it on myself and my D. Also the fact that I have neither spoken nor seen him for six weeks means I don't have a lot to update on him anyway!
The TED talk is the one that Pigpen did and I can see from his thread that you already visited the daaark roooom!!!
I love your 'who shot JR' moment! Yes Job is a very lovely lady!
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
Do a google of Ted Talks you'll locate it very easily One of the policies that we agree to when we post here is not to provide links to other sites...so...do a google search.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks for the cake - oddly don't feel very full?!
Yes I did see that TED Talk (Didn't know about the link posting - thanks for that Job), rather amazing stuff. PP posted and amazing post on my thread the other day. I still can't find time to respond to it - there is so much to consider in it. That's my fault though - working late and I am just logging off (11.10pm in the UK).
Well, all seems well with the world and I am glad you are happy. I will try and read some more of your recent updates over tomorrow. I need to know if it was Sue Ellen.....
I wouldn't worry about the 10k. Just consider it a nice walk with a bit of running thrown in for fun! Now the yoga....that's likely to be a different matter.
Surfer.
M46/W40/D8/S6/T20/M12/Separated 6/2016,W takes kids Issues2009 Wpartying w/g.f's2013on EA2013PAdeniedWleavesMBR ImeetAP/EAhalts VariousBDDates MFCourse WSpew EAresumes I halt Wrages DBIng4/2016
Ok, so the Ted talk. PP is like DB extraordinaire master. Like next level DBing. Anyway I looked into those darkness retreats- and this AWESOME looking yoga (they have darkness too) retreat came up in google search in mexico, super cheap. I want to go in December for a long time. Do a PP lite. I might be able to escape for 2 weeks in Dec, maybe i should do a yoga retreat-- screen free!
me 42 H 32 T 7yr M 6yr BD 5/2016 ILYBNILWY Separated 7/2016
Hey Altair! I like the idea if a yoga retreat I think you should definitely look into that. Not sure about the darkness thing though, seems a bit torturous rather than relaxing!
The idea of going away at Christmas really appeals to me. If I was on my own I would definitely do that. Even now I would love to just get away for a couple of weeks to remove myself from the sitch.
So far I've tried to put Christmas out of my mind as much as I can but I know I've got to face it at some point. Usually by now my family and friends are asking what I'm doing or extending invitations but I think mostly everyone is skirting around it.
It's my D's birthday a few days before Christmas so I've really got to pull myself up by the bootstraps and make her birthday and Christmas a good one. Because she is an only child I am reluctant to go away as she always likes other children around which is understandable. Thinking cap on!
I definitely think you should book it Altair. It will be something to look forward to and focus on for the next couple of months....
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
Hey Surfer, virtual cake means virtual calories! They are the best kind!
Do you know, I can't remember who shot JR, was it Swellin (as we used to call her)!
I'll check your thread out for PP's post. I started reading his thread, there's a lot to get through! I've nearly finished the thread of a poster caked Edz, Sotto will remember him. If you have time check him out.
Happy Wednedsay!!!
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
Swellin and Lucy Stewin - brilliant! We used to also have the late great Whitney Pukeston and Mariah Scary!!
Soooo, just got back from my very first yoga class. I'm a little annoyed that I had to pay extra even though I am a member of the gym and my membership includes all classes. Anyway, I thought I had walked into the wrong class. Not one lady under the age of 55 and the lady taking the class couldn't have been less than 80. I think she was as confused as i was when I walked in and didn't hesitate to ask me if I realised that it was a very gentle, low impact class!
All in all it was a very relaxing class although I wasn't sure about the hmmmmng and chanting at the end. Also at one point we had to lie down on our backs and just breath with our eyes shut. Apart from realising that I am a very lazy breather it reminded me of nap time at my Nan's when we were young especially when the little old lady in the class placed a blanket over me so I didn't get cold! It brought back memories of how much I hated nap time and still do hate the idea of napping!
oh well, I'll give it another go next week. I thought some of the stretches were really useful.
Not much else going on today. How is everyone else doing?
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
It brought back memories of how much I hated nap time and still do hate the idea of napping!
Coly! Well! There's your problem right there. Naps are for me one of the most wonderful things ever possible. Stealing off during the day to cuddle under a big pile of blankets is heavenly. Even though we disagree on something so very fundamental I hope we can still be DB friends.
I used to have a very bad case of sleep apnea (a lot better now at 20 kilos lighter but still there). Before I was diagnosed I would often have a nap for an hour or so on the weekends. Even though I don't need them as much any more I still treasure them as do S22/D24.
I'm happy you got out to the yoga class - it sounds healthy. I'm glad you're taking care of yourself GF.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Hey Andrew, we won't let a little nap disagreement get in the way of our DB friendship!! I'm terrible at that sort of thing and I think it comes from being nosey! Having a nap means I might be missing out on something!
I am glad I did the yoga class. It is a 180 for me as I am a high impact exercise sort of person but I think I need to start slowing my thoughts down and i feel yoga will help me to do this. Hopefully it will help me sleep better as well.
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
Hi coly... interesting yoga class. The one I take is called yoga for athletes so it is probably a little less yogi than normal which is probably why I like it. Try it one more time and then maybe find a different one that might be a little more up tempo. We don't chant but the instructor gives a head rub at the end. I thought it was odd at first but look forward to it now.
Anyway, good for you in trying something new! What's up for the weekend?
Hey Altair, I'll check out Lou's thread. How are your GAL activities going?
Thanks Pinn. I think my yoga class was yoga for oldies but maybe I fit into that category now! Although there are very few situation where I feel young anymore so maybe I should stick with it! I saw on your thread about your Dad. I hope everything on OK with him?
Yeah I'll try it one more time and it did actually help me sleep although it is 6.45am here and I'm typing this. On hum!
Happy Saturday everyone!!
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
He is coming over tomorrow. Just crazy, I feel terrible for him. It is a feeling I will never know. 43 years in one place and another 40 there by his dad. My brother and I went to school there. I have already worked for 4 company's over 10 years I don't think I will ever have that emotional attachment to one place. There is a whole grieving process that he has to go through especially the way things happened. Ugh... he will get through it though!
If the yoga does not pan out, maybe you could join a running club to get ready for that 10k? The running/ tri clubs are a different breed though so you have to be able to deal with them.. haha.
Hey Pinn, wow 43 years in one place no wonder he is so upset. No one thinks of jobs being for life anymore so your Dad is a special breed who has shown great loyalty to one employer. I'm sure they will feel his loss. Off course he will get through this if he is anything like you Pinn!
I was thinking of a running club. They have one at my gym so I might look into that although they all look terribly serious and with my little legs I'm not sure if I will keep up. Oh well nothing ventured nothing gained!
Have a great weekend!
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
If it is An 'oldies' class it is. The fact you say that means you are not. You are just a young piece of strumpet doing something with the older community!
Enjoy it. But keep the wind in!!!! I've heard who these things go
Take care.
Surfer.
M46/W40/D8/S6/T20/M12/Separated 6/2016,W takes kids Issues2009 Wpartying w/g.f's2013on EA2013PAdeniedWleavesMBR ImeetAP/EAhalts VariousBDDates MFCourse WSpew EAresumes I halt Wrages DBIng4/2016
I'm not Surfer but I thought I'd drop by and see my team-mate.
Christmas will be tough for me too. I'm going to do my best to celebrate it and I hope that you and D15 have a great one. Perhaps start making some plans? S22 and I will be attempting a Father/Son "cooking of the large chicken Dad doesn't know what to do with". On Wednesday the flower shop I go to is having an open house and I'm hoping to pick up some decorations.
Just because you haven't heard a peep from H doesn't mean you are un-loved. Look in the mirror and see that fabulous Coly who has been so very kind to a particular AndrewP and know that you can love yourself because you are fabulous all on your own. D15 loves you too. Love is all around you but you carry it in your heart.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Coly, it might be nice to start some new traditions this year.v Is there something you've always wanted to do but didn't because H didn't want to, or he had a conflicting tradition?
My kids and H all love having duck or goose for Xmas dinner. If it were up to me, we'd either have ham or just skip the fancy dinner entirely and have appetizers instead.
I'd also go to the late-night church service instead of the "family" service earlier in the evening.
Is there anything like that for you?
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
The NC thing can be so hard at times. One minute you feel detached, then you get the odd bout of loneliness and you really miss them. But it goes if you let it.
I find doing something to cheer you up or even doing something to take your mind off it helps.
Christmas is going to be tricky for many in here but I think it's worth planning something now. Its my first Christmas in a separated life. I can look at it one of two ways. I can be lonely and sad and miss the fact that my family is less than 15mins away having a family Christmas without me or I can GAL and plan now. My parents and wider family are a 3-4 hour drive away. I moved here to be with my W, get married and have kids about 15 years ago. There's plenty of things to do out there. I think I will spend part of the time with my family and take the kids. Part may be here too. New year celebrations need planning too. I have a friend having a party and she is suggesting having it here....I need to think about that and other things to do.
Perhaps getting some plans in place will help. Have you got any thoughts on what may help you? It will still be a lovely time if you plan it. Don't be one of those people that dreads Christmas and NC with H.
It's Halloween and we would normally dress the house and the kids would go out with W. The kids are now back (went yesterday) with W and are going 'trick or treating' with her at her parents tonight. They will love it and that's the main thing. I decided I could just sit and let the other kids come round, door knockIng, and be sad, or I could 'do something'. So I did. Yesterday, when the kids were here, we put up decorations haloween balloons, witches and ghosts on the door. So when kids turn up I can offer them a bowl of treats and enjoy seeing them having fun.
I really loved the family thing at Christmas. My W home and the kids. It might feel lonely but plan your Christmas. Your H will miss his normal Christmas in some way too I am sure. Also, things like this always feel like they 'will be sad' but even if they are, things are rarely as bad as you think and with some positivity you can make a great time of it. Positive thoughts coming your way my dear!!!
Surfer.
M46/W40/D8/S6/T20/M12/Separated 6/2016,W takes kids Issues2009 Wpartying w/g.f's2013on EA2013PAdeniedWleavesMBR ImeetAP/EAhalts VariousBDDates MFCourse WSpew EAresumes I halt Wrages DBIng4/2016
AndrewP is so right. You are your own happiness. We sometimes give our Significant others too much control over our feelings - hence the roller coaster we all despise. Doing something for others always helps and planning for a great Christmas for your D will help you enjoy. Giving thoughtfully always helps.
It's my W's 40th Birthday in the next few days. And my D's too. I will go to my D's party but my W will clearly not invite me to her celebrations as I am all that is wrong in the world to her. So I am helping (doing) a really nice collage of photographs for her frames with some lovely words and love hearts draw by D8 & S6. I have done many such things over the years. More recently, when in pursuit mode (fool - we do it LoL) she would be angry - as they came from me. But with this being from the kids she will like it.
I think perhaps you might be having a bit of a wobble. I am coming out of one myself.
Sit tight all will be fine I am sure.
Keep that chin up and remember what a lovely person you are.
Surfer.
M46/W40/D8/S6/T20/M12/Separated 6/2016,W takes kids Issues2009 Wpartying w/g.f's2013on EA2013PAdeniedWleavesMBR ImeetAP/EAhalts VariousBDDates MFCourse WSpew EAresumes I halt Wrages DBIng4/2016
Sorry. I didn't answer your question. The week was great. Weds - Sun. I wanted to keep them for longer but it's a long story.
Took them away (and my parents - it was like having 4 kids - ha ha). Went to a theme park - lots to do, stayed in a hotel, then a night at parents, then back home, took them to the Olympic Aquatics centre (from the 2012 olympics) and did an inflatable assault course in the pool. Great Fun - we all did it made dinner a Chicken pie (never made it before) - I put a smiley sun on the top. They loved it. Then took them out for dinner last night in their new smart clothes - which I bought for them - another new thing. W used to do all of this. All in all it was fab.
Also sat and watched a film with them. All cuddled up with the fire on. This was the best bit for me. It might have only been for 30mins, if that, as I was getting dinner ready etc, but it's one of 'those times' (I try to consciously burn these happy times into my memory by really feeling the love I have for them and they have for me). Bliss.
Surfer.
M46/W40/D8/S6/T20/M12/Separated 6/2016,W takes kids Issues2009 Wpartying w/g.f's2013on EA2013PAdeniedWleavesMBR ImeetAP/EAhalts VariousBDDates MFCourse WSpew EAresumes I halt Wrages DBIng4/2016
Thanks Andrew and Surfer. I think I'm going to play it by ear and do a 180 for me this Christmas. Usually I am running around trying to find out what everyone is doing and if they have all got somewhere to go. Inevitably H used to get caught in the crossfire with my stressing about everything especially when things didn't always go to plan.
It's also my D's birthday just before Christmas so I'm going to try and concentrate on her having a fab time. I've got plenty of friends and family who will take us in for Christmas Day so I'm going to see what everyone else is doing. I definitely don't feel up to hosting this year although I have always loved it. Maybe next year I will be more up to it.
Surfer, your half term holiday sounded absolutely lovely and that chicken pie sounds delicious! You've inspired me so I think I might make a pie this weekend!
Soooo, just wanted your opinions on a dilemma I have. My D is going to have her prom next year and is already badgering me to look for prom dresses. I'm really worried as they can be very expensive especially the ones that she is looking at! D suggested I ask H for a contribution (she would!) but I'm way to proud to ask him and to be honest I'm not sure I would want his money either. Anyway, he has now asked if he can go halves with me as she has obviously spoken to him about it! I don't really know what to say..
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
I think it's a wonderful idea to do something different this holiday season. It's time to create some new traditions that you and your family can enjoy.
As for the prom dress, if your h has offered to go halves w/you, then accept the offer graciously. I'm proud of your D in asking her father about chipping in. Why shouldn't he go in w/you on the dress? It's his daughter too and the prom is a very special event that only comes around once a year. Don't allow your pride to get in the way...accept his offer and be sure to thank him when he either hands you cash or writes a check for his portion of the bill.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
My first instinct is to think why should he be involved when he was the one who decided to leave his family so I should turn his offer down. However at the end of the day the only person I will be hurting is my D as I don't have the money to get her what she wants. I see that now.
Anyway we had a bit of text chat about the prom dress and work and stuff and we are going to meet for a coffee on Friday to catch up. However I feel like I have let you all down with the NC thing
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
Coly - What we did for D24's wedding dress was to get the sample dress from the shop. It looked fabulous on her and only needed minor alterations. AND it was a fraction of the price. Perhaps there are similar options available for prom dresses?
Just my 2 pence.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Anyway we had a bit of text chat about the prom dress and work and stuff and we are going to meet for a coffee on Friday to catch up. However I feel like I have let you all down with the NC thing
How did the text convo come about?
Go into Friday with the right frame of mind. Just enjoy the time.. be upbeat. Do not to start any R talk and go into it with zero expectations.
Thanks Andrew, that sounds like a great idea! I'll definitely keep that in mind and if it means we wont have to take out a small mortgage to buy it is even better!!!
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
Pinn he said maybe we could have a chat about the prom dress and I suggested we meet for coffee for a general catch up and he agreed. Now I feel like I am pursuing but he could have said no if he really didn't want to.....
I have asked him to keep this meeting to himself and not tell anyone especially D. I just think everyone's imagination runs away with them and it is just a coffee nothing else. No expectations and definitely no R talk...
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
Coly23 - And this after swinging the 2X4s at me for a one way send of a video of a light switch???? :-P
The key thing is "do what works" and what is best for you.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Coly, ONE coffee invite in 5 weeks about a prom dress is ok.
keep it short, no R talk (duh), see where he's at. In my case, as you know, my H is still very angry at me (which I interpret as the depression). it bubbled out in little ways. Even if we had a nice coffee, somehow it came back to me in a bad way. Be very cautious!
cautious, casual, quick! Good luck!
me 42 H 32 T 7yr M 6yr BD 5/2016 ILYBNILWY Separated 7/2016
Thanks guys. It's in my lunch hour so I can keep if brief.
I don't know how I feel about it now. He seemed pretty enthusiastic about my suggestion but that could be me just interpreting his text that way. The last time I saw/spoke with him was at the beginning of September so I'm a little nervous.
Andrew - I'm sure it will go back to my now normal darkness after this but I will accept your 2x4 and any others that come my way. Maybe I can build a log cabin with them all and become a hermit so I can just forget about H once and for all!
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
The 50/50 is perfect. Your D will glow in that dress and you will both glow seeing her. It would be nice if you could all swell with pride in the same room - little shared experiences like this are a "good thing" to my mind.
In terms of catching up for a coffee. If you both share a nice time. Why is that bad. Suggest, if you do, don't suggest another. Let him. Go dark again as you plan. Popping into his life every now and then so he can see the best version of you is not a bad thing. Just stay detached as much as you can - and most of all happy!
Christmas will be lovely. I think its worry about the unknown. But the unknown can bring a nice surprise too!!
Surfer.
M46/W40/D8/S6/T20/M12/Separated 6/2016,W takes kids Issues2009 Wpartying w/g.f's2013on EA2013PAdeniedWleavesMBR ImeetAP/EAhalts VariousBDDates MFCourse WSpew EAresumes I halt Wrages DBIng4/2016
No 2X4s from me today. The discussion of the cost of the prom dress needs to be discussed and what better what to do it then over coffee. Keep your discuss on the dress and very mutual topics and no relationship talks no matter what. If he asks a question or your opinion on something, then answer it. If he brings up a discussion about the relationship, say something like this "h, I'll need to think about it for a while, but today, let's keep our focus on the prom dress for our daughter. I'll get back to you on my thoughts about XXX later on". You only have control over you and how you react/respond to him. You have two choices, i.e., to discuss relationship talks or not if he brings it up. I would go for "not". This coffee meet up isn't about that, it's about the dress.
One last thing...keep your expectations very, very low. Try to look at this coffee meet up as a short visit w/a distant cousin or distant friend. Also, put that rubber band on your wrist and snap it if you are tempted to say something that you know may not sit well w/him at this time.
Good luck! Once this meet up is over, go NC for a while. Allow him to come to you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Surfer - I really wanted H to be by my side when D goes off to her prom. We've got a few months yet before she has it and I'm hoping that this will still be a possibility. I definitely won't suggest another meet up after this one and I'll go back to being dark again.
I'm glad BD was so far away from Christmas, it means that it won't be so raw so at least I will have half a chance if enjoying it!
Hey Job - as much as I try it's hard not to have any expectations but for me it's mostly negative which I guess is good in this instance! I've got so many things going through my mind at the moment like maybe he agreed so readily because he has wanted to talk to me about collecting the rest of his stuff but didn't know how to do it. Or he is seeing someone and this is the perfect opportunity to tell me! stupid mind reading!!!
Thanks Job for the tips on what to say if he does bring up any R talk. I am 100% certain that he won't talk bout our R (that was the pribkem!) on an emotional level but maybe on a practical level like collecting his stuff etc. In that case should I still say I'll let him know?
Off course I will be sporting the latest in rubber bands on my wrist no worries there!!
Hawker - thanks for popping by. I'm glad I'm meeting H in my lunch hour because it will mean I have an excuse to leave so I won't feel the need to linger!
I've got a very busy day tomorrow so I won't have a lot of time to think about it but all today it has been going around my head like a washing machine. It reminds of what it might feel like to decide to do a sky dive. It seems like a good idea at the time but the nearer it gets to doing the dive the more apparent it becomes that you may not have been entirely in your right mind when making that decision!
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
Just got back from Coffee with H and had a cry in the office!
It was so lovely to see him. He seemed really happy and we had a really good catch up. I got a kiss on the lips when we met and a kiss and a hug when we left. He even walked me to my car in the pouring rain.
I was impressed with myself. I kept the conversation light and we had a few laughs. Now what?
I'm confused about how we were together, it was like old times. Was I just a friend he was catching up with? IDK.
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
Good to hear. Sounds like a good interaction and seems like you handled it well. Sounds similar to the first time I saw WW after 8 months. I felt the same way as you... it was a bit weird. I think it is important to not let this interaction dominate your thinking. That is where the detachment comes in.
Now, I would just go back to what you were doing and observe. Let it stew for a while and see what happens. After the first time I saw WW, things went back to being quiet again for a while (few months) before they picked back up. They only picked back up after I said forget it again.
I'm glad the "coffee" date went well. I know it hurts to see him so happy and he treated you just like a friend, but that's how they are at times. His life right now is exciting and he's like a little boy on a camping trip out in the wilderness exploring the world. When the responsibilities and the day-to-day stuff starts tumbling down around him, that "happy as a clam" appearance will disappear...but it takes time to do so.
Now what? You take care of yourself. You left h w/some good thoughts. Allow him to come to you. Do not contact him unless it is an absolute emergency.
Keep the focus on you. What are your plans for the weekend?
Oops. Sorry just seen your questions about the weekend! Getting my hair cut and coloured and baby siting my twin neice and nephew. Other than that housework! How about you?
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
A hug. My W has not touched me at all for say 3 years (perhaps I touched her back 1 year ago without her flinching - at a funeral). A hug would be good. Don't over analyse. Just look and be appealing. His other life will wane in his interest and if you look a little 'wow', he will notice.
I have been listening to the 5 love languages audio book this week. Amazing. I recommend this if you have not read it....
Enjoy the peace getting your hair done....
surfer.
M46/W40/D8/S6/T20/M12/Separated 6/2016,W takes kids Issues2009 Wpartying w/g.f's2013on EA2013PAdeniedWleavesMBR ImeetAP/EAhalts VariousBDDates MFCourse WSpew EAresumes I halt Wrages DBIng4/2016
Job, do you think the fact that he walked me to my car and kissed and hugged me is a bit more than just being friendly or am I over analysing it?
Coly23 - I'm not job but I might take a stab at this. At one point I used to imagine that my W thought that she lived in a fairy land where she could do what she wanted and that it had no impact on anyone else because she was the most important person ever. My last kiss (from anyone) was on the morning of BD2 when she kissed me goodbye on my way to work but she would be friendly, happy and companiable as she got accustomed to being Queen of Fairly Land. Visits to where I lived in Realsville were difficult for her.
I think you had a nice coffee with the Prince of Fairy Land who probably isn't taking calls from Realsville for right now. Fairly Land isn't a place you would want to visit either. Now - if your Prince decided to visit you in Realsville and remembers that there are other important people in the world and "then" kisses you - then you can consider being friendly back. Otherwise, bow and wave. Bow and wave
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
You are very new to this crisis stuff, but you've got to stop analyzing everything he says or does. No, I don't think that the fact he walked you to your car, kissed and hugged you were a bit more than just friendly. It may have just been a moment of clarity and a habit from the past. I wouldn't read too much into what he did.
They do all sorts of things that can make you think and over analyze stuff. Some will do what your h did when leaving you in the parking lot, others will bring you gifts or do good deeds, but in their minds, it is nothing more than being a friend doing something for a friend.
Keep your expectations very, very low and continue focusing on you and moving forward.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
To give you an example, My XW gave me a very passionate kiss and told me that she LOVED me the very day she left. Crazy? Yep!
Keep the focus on you.
Tad
Currently: M 56 XW 57 Sons 38,33,31,29
The Sitch: Married 26 years EA w/ OM 9/10 Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary) Sep 12/10 She wants D 1/11 W files 5/11 D final 10/11 XW marries OM 6/13
Morning All! Sorry for not responding sooner. I had a really heavy phone session with IC yesterday and spent the evening processing stuff.
Surfer - I know i should be grateful for the fact that H still wants to kiss and hug me but I guess that makes it all the more difficult. I have got the 5LL book and I started reading if but if made me sad because I wish I had known about this before and now it feels like it's too late... Are you saying that this might help me with my interactions with him now or just if we reconcile?
Andrew - Thanks for dragging me back to Realsville I really needed that! Your right he is doing all these things because he lives in a fantasy world in which he can turn my life upside down but think that everything will be all tweety birds and fluffy bunnies!
Job - I know, I do have to stop over analysing things! I guess he has always been like this (touchy feely) even after BD so it's nothing new. However he stopped hugging me (only title kisses) a few weeks after BD. I'm also having difficulty with my IC at the moment. Even though she is really lovely and helps me to recognise my feelings and emotions I think she is trying to steer me towards having it out with H so I can get closure. How to I navigate this with her?
Tadpole - thanks so much for visiting my thread. I guess his actions have given me hope even though I did try to keep my expectations low it just blindsided me a bit. It's just beggars belief as to what goes on in their heads. Surely they must realise that their actions are hurting and confusing us?
Thank you all for the 2x4s. Although it was hard I am pleased that I met with H. I think it helped to show that my going dark was not me punishing him so hopefully he won't be worried about contacting me in the future.
Also I am going to look on the positive side and list some signposts from the day to keep my spirits up:
- H accepted an invite for coffee after 7 weeks of NC - H gave me a hello kiss (on the lips) - H offered to buy the drinks - H was very relaxed thoughout - H walked me to my car in the pouring rain (he had to walk past his own car) - H gave me a kiss (on the lips) and a hug and then another kiss (on the lips) and hug before I got into my car
Right, back to being dark again! Happy weekend everyone!!
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
Hi Coly, the last time I saw XH (2 years ago and when he was seeing his AP) he told me he still felt swept away by love for me, wanted to take my hand and be romantic with me.
When he told me that, I told him we wouldn't have any sort or R, whilst he chose to conduct a R with someone else. Perhaps I was a little blunt, but that was truly the case for me. Now you would think that if someone felt that way, he wouldn't have chosen to file for D and so on - but there we are. That was the way he said he felt about me last time he saw me.
I'm also quite sure that if I had given an inch, he would have taken a mile. He was flying off to see OW the following week I later discovered.
I guess the message is - yes, MLCers do that kind of stuff. Feelings for the spouse are still buried in there somewhere. But (and this is where boundaries are so important) - until someone actually wants to be 'all in' and can be a suitable partner - it's not worth paying that much attention to that kind of stuff....
JMHO of course - take the gesture for what it was - a momentary show of affection. Enjoy that moment and keep moving forwards.... X
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Thanks Sotto, I remember reading in your thread how your H said he still had strong feelings for you but told everyone else another story. I don't know if you remember but my H also did something similar (although didn't say he had feelings for me) when he hinted to some friends that he was definitely not coming back.
I'm currently in the hairdressers getting my hair coloured and H sent me a text to say he had a nice time yesterday and to let him know if I wanted to meet up again in the week. Said for him to let me one when is convenient for him because he would need to work from home so he's going to have a look at his diary and get back to me...
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
Hi Coly, yes that's right. OW was transatlantic at that time. We had S a few months earlier.....so this was around the time I joined this site.
To me, he was saying he was confused and unsure. But to our mutual friend, he said the R/M was over. She couldn't bear the fact I didn't know this and told me so in a really painful convo. After that, I asked her to not let XH know she had done that - to tell him she had tried and I just said - I'm sure if he has something important to tell me, he will do that.
In actual fact, he never did really tell me things were over until the following March, when he decided to file for D. Our mutual friend remains pretty upset that 'he put her through that' and says 'he's not the man I thought he was' - called him spineless.
Any ways...I also had my hair done today. I hope yours looks lovely and you enjoy your new look. Just on that message from your H - have no expectations and leave it to him to initiate if he does want to meet up. If you do meet up, maybe keep it shortish and have somewhere else to be after that...
If he doesn't come back to you, I wouldn't contact him and ask him if he still wants to meet - just leave him to it unless he initiates would be my view.
Have a lovely weekend! Xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Don't be too quick in responding back to his text. Let it simmer for a while. In fact, I would just sit back and allow him to pursue you for a bit.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Yes wait to respond and let it simmer for a while.
If this were me, I think I would respond with something like 'that would be nice' but let him push to make the plans. Feel like I have been in this same exact spot...
Thanks Sotto, Job and Pinn. H said he would get back to me early in the week so I will leave it up to him although I did tell him I wouldn't be available on Friday. Is that too much information.... ? I'm really no good at this am I!!!
I'm very pleased with my hair thank you just no where to go to show it off! Was going to the pictures with D but she's having a meh sort of day so we are having pizza delivery and a film at home instead. Oh and a nice glass of wine!
I'm going to try and drag myself out of bed early tomorrow and go to the gym and then I'm sitting my twin niece and nephew in afternoon. Really looking forward to sounding time with them.
Hope you are pleased with your new hair too Sotto!!!
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
The only thing that I would be mindful of next time is to not be so ready to tell him you aren't available on Friday or any other day. The time to tell him that you aren't available that day is if he suggests it. The reason that I wanted to point this out is by stating that Friday is the only day you are busy is actually telling him that you are at home w/no plans. It tells him that you will drop whatever you are doing those other 6 days to meet up w/him. Don't advertise just how available that you are. The less he knows about your "free' time, the better.
Coly - Well now I feel bad that I didn't get my hair done today too... My Movember mustache is coming along quite nicely though. Does that count?
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Hey Altair, hopefully by tomorrow your hangover would have subsided! How far are you intending to run?
Job - I hear you! Ordinarily I wouldn't have said anything but it's in my lunch hour and Friday I am going to be out of town for work so I won't be able to meet him.
Andrew - yes, I am disappointed that as an honourary sister you did not get your hair done today but I will forgive you seeing as you are doing movember!
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
Are you saying that this might help me with my interactions with him now or just if we reconcile?
I think 5LL can be used for improving any relationship. If you can work out what your LBS likes in terms of interactions and focus on that I am sure that can only help. In terms of will it help now or if you reconcile, I think both potentially but I think like myself a focus on lovingly detaching right now is most important, together with GAL etc. Understanding the WS' LL is something that is perhaps useful now for when you do have interactions, for example, my W's LL is acts of words of affirmation and acts of service I believe. I need to find out though. If you read PsySaras thread you will see that her H was away from the home and in a R with OW etc. He has moved back home and she is focusing on his LL, physical touch etc.
I hope this helps. Take it easy. Be kind to you.
Surfer.
M46/W40/D8/S6/T20/M12/Separated 6/2016,W takes kids Issues2009 Wpartying w/g.f's2013on EA2013PAdeniedWleavesMBR ImeetAP/EAhalts VariousBDDates MFCourse WSpew EAresumes I halt Wrages DBIng4/2016
Thanks Surfer, yes this has helped lots! I started reading the book again. Maybe I can put some of it into practice if I see H this week....
I must admit I thought I knew H's LL. I thought it was physical touch and words of affirmation although I was never any good at the words of affirmation! I would really love for him to do the test so I know for sure. I have been following Psysara's thread too.
Have a good rest of your Sunday!
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
One thing that was suggested to me was to read 5LL multiple times. I know that for me my answers to the quiz at the back changed as the loss of W became less raw. I'll probably read it for a third time in a month or so as I continue to heal.
You yearn for what you've lost but what you've lost might not be what you actually needed. Certainly true for me.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I'll do that Andrew. At the moment I've lost my oomph and I don't seem to have much enthusiasm for reading books like DR and 5LL as I keep reading things I should have done or the way I should have behaved but it all seems too late now.
I just need to bite the bullet and read them both again. DR just to refresh my mind and 5LL to find out a bit about myself and H (just in case)....
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
Do you think that's a good sign? IDK, I really want to say to him can we start again, no expectations, no pressure. I'm seeing him again for coffee this week and again I am going to ask him if we can just keep it to ourselves. Hopefully without the pressure of friends and family we can both relax a bit and just see where it goes.
Or maybe I am reading too much into it...
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
Hi Coly, I wouldn't have any of those convos with him. They are R talks. Truly, sit back and let him initiate anything like that. And if he does, validate. Other than that, act as though you are meeting a colleague/neighbour for an hour for coffee. And if you don't think you can manage that, postpone and suggest you leave it for this week and let him initiate a further meeting if he wants to..
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Hey Sotto, no I won't speak to him about R stuff but I will ask him to keep our meeting to himself again though. I think it just make it easier if no one else knows in case they start interfering!
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
Thanks Peace. I guess I do want to be his friend but I'm worried that is all he will want and it isn't what I want. That's when the fear starts to get me and I start to panic.
It's such a delicate balancing act, I'm exhausted just thinking about it and I'm just constantly looking at the negative side of everything. My D said to me today that H talks about me a lot when they are out but she usually doesn't say anything to me because I don't see it as being positive! And that's from a 15 year old!
I need to start thinking positively otherwise this sitch is going to drag me down even deeper than I already am....
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
No positivity here this morning. Feel like I've taken several steps back and I can't seem to drag myself back.
I know that I wouldn't be doing anything different if I wasn't standing but I think it's the not talking about it that's the hardest. It's the not knowing what's going on in their heads and where I stand.
Maybe I should call off meeting for coffee this week. I feel like I'm doing what I shouldn't be and that's picking up his breadcrumbs when I deserve the whole loaf. I feel so hopeless again. I'm trying so hard to move forward but I feel like their is a mountain in the way and I'm having to go around and it's taking such a long time. I jut don't want to do this anymore....
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
Why not let him know this week does not suit you. Maybe do so by text so you are not obliged to reply for next week. These interactions are weighing on you. Understandably so. You wonder if you are on the brink of a turnaround.
If you are putting off your meeting won't change that. He will come back for another time. I think you should take a little time to settle your thoughts.Plus it'll do no harm to not be available. May even help him review things.
Your daughter has not walked your shoes. It is more difficult than she could imagine. Don't beat yourself up but it is good to realise you are not as positive as you could be. What steps can you take to improve that?
Best wishes
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
I agree w/roist. If you aren't in the right frame of mind to meet him for coffee, then text him this morning and just say that something has come up and you won't be able to meet up w/him for coffee this week. Keep if very short, sweet and simple. That will allow the door to be left ajar for him to invite you again in the near future.
When you think positive, many doors will begin to open. The world will look a whole lot better and your frame of mind will even be happier. You've allowed your h to invade your thoughts entirely too much and he's not even paying rent for the space at the moment...put your focus back on you and your family.
What are your plans for Veterans Day and Thanksgiving?
BTW, it's time to start a new thread.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks Roist. I don't know what to think at the moment but what I do know is I don't think he has made enough effort to show that there might be a turnaround in our sitch. It's just so bloomin frustrating!
I had a really good cry in the shower this morning just thinking that he has placed me at the bottom of the heap in his life. He even told me last time we met how he had contacted some old work acquaintances to meet up. Maybe that's what I am to him now but even lower than them. That's what it feels like.
Why can't I just forget about him and treat him the same way he is treating me? It makes me so mad I just want to scream at him sometimes!
I'll probably go to the gym again at the weekend and plant some spring bulbs that need to be planted asap! 
After-all it doesn't matter does it how fast you finish a marathon - it matters that you finished.
