Quick run down of my sitch. H left up in May 2016 saying that he did not love me, didn't think he ever loved me, didn't think we had a had anything in common or anything to talk about anymore. He has rented a one bedroom flat for 12 months and had left quite a lot of his stuff behind.
I've gone dark for nearly six weeks and not a peep from H except to respond to a birthday text to him. I am now trying to take the next steps towards moving forward. I have made a sort of pact with Altair that in order to stop focusing on our H's we are just going to concentrate on ourselves. So far we are discussing getting Altair a pet that doesn't make any noise, is needy and loving and can fit in her purse. Oh and a pet she can have in an apartment that doesn't allow them!
At the end of my last thread (sorry I can't quote!) Blu said that I needed to let go and Job told me that I can move forward/let go and still have hope. This is what was confusing and worrying me. I do feel much stronger for going dark and my need to speak with H is getting less and less but I am also worried that as time goes on my feelings for him are starting to go too. Is this normal?
I also have trouble with knowing what to do with H's stuff and whether the process of getting him to pick up the rest of his stuff will help to let go. Again Job advised that I should leave it up to him if he wants to collect it and I'm glad about that because since leaving he has left all the decisions up to me and I'm fed up of it!
Andrew - you are right our sitch's and S's are very similar indeed! Are you up for joining me and Altair in just talking about stuff other than out S's?
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
Coly23 - That's a bet that I'm sure to lose but am willing to try my best. I "am" very competitive so the challenge cannot be passed up. Mind you, I'm posting this on your thread so that when I eventually lose it won't be seen on mine ;-)
Thanks for making me one of the "girls". At this time of year I usually have a big bushy beard for the winter but am clean-shaven still. Not sure if I'm going to grow one this year or not. Movember (a great cause) is coming up but the usual team is silent. So - try not to notice the stubble and we can gossip about the neighbours and trade self-care tips.
WRT the "stuff" - it helped me to be able to pack it all away out of sight. It makes the house feel more "mine". Over nearly 30 years I'm sure you can imagine how it is scattered everywhere. One junk drawer took me over 1/2 hour to do. This way I don't feel like I've abandoned W (did I just lose already?) and am staying true to when I promised to take care of her stuff. A big challenge has been pictures. Much of the artwork that we had collected left including a number of originals by unknowns. I've filled in the empty hooks mostly with family pictures that I found stuffed in various drawers. I was joking with a friend today that if any potential NG shows up in the house they won't be threatened because in almost all those pics were from a trip we took to Disney about 10 years ago when W was probably around 180 lbs at 4' 11"" (why do I feel like Hagrid in Harry Potter who kept repeating "I shouldn't have said that" - lost again?) Yes - she looked good to me then and still does.
I like your current title even if I don't completely understand it. Especially earlier in my journey I tried to focus on one step at a time, one day at a time. We'll get there GF - we just have to practice looking forward. We'll see the future that way.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I think that is a great pact with Altair and I wish you well with that. In my situation, it has really helped to bring new things and people into my life. They bring genuine pleasure and slowly the XH sized hole has become smaller - hopefully a mere pin prick at some point.
One thing I did for a while was - each month - tried a new GAL activity that could become a regular thing. For me, these included yoga, tai chi, dancing, singing, volunteering, book club, divorce group, social group. Not all of them stuck - but a number of them did, so that I do now have a life...so - maybe one new thing in November to get you started??
As for your H's stuff - I would say, do what works for you, and don't worry too much about impact as long as you are being reasonable with him. So, leave it in situ, move it into a single room, pack it up, send it on, ask him to collect it - whatever works best for you. And if you are not yet ready to decide - no problem. For me, I had a load of marital stuff that I wasn't ready to let go and didn't want to have on display either. For a good 18+ months it all went in a big case under the spare bed. After that time, I went through it and gave 95% to charity - I was ready...
Hope this helps anyway. And I look forward to seeing your focus firmly on you! Xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
What an upbeat post Coly! We really need more of those.
You got some excellent advice so far, I think GAL is the key. For me it is running, reading, a diet club, and looking after my appearance more. Whatever works for you really. I'm also planning to get the kids some pet bunnies later but it will be MY gift to them so I'm not letting H know about it
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
If you decide he needs to come get his stuff, don't be surprised if he doesn't drag his feet on this. Many of them leave things behind and don't return to get them. We eventually either give them away or unload them on their doorstep or just store them away.
In my case, my xh left everything here and when my mother and I packed up his clothing, coats and shoes, it took him another 4 months to finally come get them. His excuse? It had been snowing and he couldn't get here. Guess what, he lived exactly 40 miles from me and we traveled the same roads, so, if I went to work...it sure as heck wasn't snowing during all of that time. If they do pick the stuff up, they generally do not unpack it. Why? Because it's reminders of the good life they had in the past.
One, thing that I have always found interesting, they'll come around eventually will take some things that you won't notice missing until much later. Some take photos, chairs, coffee cups, etc. Just because those items happened to be in their line of vision at the time they got the urge to take something. One individual in England took the steps to the shed w/him. They eventually reconciled, but the steps were never returned to the shed. A friend of mine had a young son and her xh came into the home while she was away and too the child's little desk chair. See? There's no rhyme or reason to why they do stuff because it's all based on emotions.
Whatever you decide to do, think about redecorating and making the space entirely yours once you've put his stuff in another room, etc.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I read your feedback from Job and others. Perhaps instead of saying to give up hope, I could have said to give up expectations. If we don't expect anything or a certain response from them, then we can further protect ourselves from the dissapointment. Hopefulness has different meaning to different people. I always struggled to give up hope and still do. (((Coly)))
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Hi Coly, great first start to your new thread. Great idea for you, Altair, and Andrewp to all support each other in your efforts to take the focus off your spouses and back for yourselves! In terms of goals, think small and reward yourself for reaching your milestones! I found my short term goals were better achieved because I was able to keep my focus and energy strong! If it took too long to achieve, part of my drive would lessen just a bit. So I just wanted to go back-to back- to back with experiences/goals. It's worked for me anyway!
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
Lol, yeah Feyth, I think Coly and I are on a per 24-hour basis. Andrew P is a wild card, that one. Feyth, I can't BELIEVE how many runners are on this site. A marathon for me, I think, is a pipe dream. But Coly and I will come up with something.
me 42 H 32 T 7yr M 6yr BD 5/2016 ILYBNILWY Separated 7/2016
