Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 2 of 11 1 2 3 4 10 11
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 4,227
Likes: 63
A
AndrewP Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 4,227
Likes: 63

Journaling - I hope this doesn't cost me my bet with Coly and Altair. I think I'm abiding by the terms ....

I had dinner with my best friend last night. It was good. He is hugely supportive of me but has very clear ideas on what I should be doing. He wants me to dump W, push for a D and move on with my life. He had some good points. He questioned how I could ever trust her again for example. He also brought up the possibility that this hasn't been W's first A. I can't deny that this isn't possible although I personally doubt it. He also argued that the longer I spend out here in "limbo land" the slower that my healing would be. He's also been of the opinion for a very long time (and isn't shy about sharing) that he doesn't think that W has been good for me in that she has been controlling and demanding and selfish.

If I were to follow his advice I would change my Facebook status from "Married" to "Separated on BD1", let the explosions go however they may, hand a bunch of cash to my divorce lawyer and start my new life. The SIL army I think believes the same thing but are less blunt about it.

It is more and more tempting all the time.

I spent some time at lunch today going through old photos that I have in Dropbox going back to when W and I first met through to BD1. So many smiles, so much laughter captured on film (or pixels). As I write this I feel that 1 bad year isn't worth throwing 26 good ones away. I'm trying to find fuel where-ever I can to keep standing. The wood-pile is getting thin.

I also was looking for an "it's a Girl" card for our nephew and his wife and soon to arrive baby. I'd thought we had one in the stack of cards that W had accumulated (she would card shop as retail therapy years ago) but couldn't find it. I did move a bit more of W's things into boxes as I was searching. Slowly her presence is being removed from our home. I really don't know how I feel about it. job's comments the other day on someone else's thread rang true with me that W may possibly never come back for her stuff presuming she never comes back to me. I have a "plan B" for that case since there are some family heirlooms involved that I don't want. I'd either ask W's brother to come and get the stuff - if that time comes that I want it gone, or of passing it on to S22/D24 as part of their legacy. I also went out to the shed and shifted the snow tires around to make it obvious which ones were for my car and which were for W. Being a good boy I have not bothered to contact her about this. She knows where they are kept already. The silence from W has resumed and there's been no indication that she's going to come into the house for her recipe book or try to get me to dig it out again.

This weekend I'm having lunch with both of my brothers on Sunday. I'd reached out to my youngest brother last week but he was busy and suggested lunch later. I was surprised when he asked if it was OK if our oldest brother joined us. Oldest brother is "very" upset at W - perhaps they're planning on putting the screws to me as well? Perhaps not.

On Saturday I'm going to try to make my first meatloaf in years. I've learned that before attempting these things to check the cupboard and yep - all the loaf pans are missing. So that is the first item on the grocery list. I need to check my other supplies and make sure I have what I need.

I also need to finish my Halloween preparations. I picked up some extra candy to make up some special bags for the kids I know and for the lady who sells me my roses and her son if they do come by. Decorating is fortunately easy for me because I just pull out my sloop, hoist a cheap table-cloth as a square sail and load up the rail with rats, pumpkins and skulls. Everyone thinks I spend a huge amount of time and effort on it but I've got some practice. The weather forecast is calling for it to be cold but fair so for the first time in a few years I'll hope to be sitting out in the sloop dressed in my pirate garb with my buddy "Billy Bones" and greeting the visitors there. In past years I would be kept warm with a small bottle of rum but this year it will be tea. I have to go to work the next day and I have no support system behind me here in case I get too tipsy.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
"Right now on newcomers we have someone posting to everyone who will listen that they need to reveal their W's affair to the public, shame her, start dating to make her jealous and then slap her with a D and then she'll run right back. This is counter to most of what MWD writes and I hate to think how many people are following that advice. Heck, he even dug up an old open thread of mine and told me to do the same thing. When I politely rejected his advice he told me that I was doomed to live forever alone because no woman respects a cuckold."

Yeah I think I know who that is. Stand strong and do what you feel is right.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
Joined: Jul 2016
Posts: 1,065
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jul 2016
Posts: 1,065
I agree with MrB Andrew, you must do what is right for you. However I liked your reasoning about whether one bad year is worth throwing 26 good years away. That really does put it into perspective doesn't it?

Friends and family will always want what they think is best for you. They see you hurting and they want to make it better. Their suggestions are going to be the most obvious ones but not always the best for you.

IDK, I'm probably going to get shot down for this suggestion but have you though of asking W to meet for a coffee?


Me - 47
H - 45
D-16
M - 6 years
Separated - May 16

Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 4,227
Likes: 63
A
AndrewP Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 4,227
Likes: 63
Mr Bond - I am constantly amazed by the memories that some people have for past quotes and will pull them out at an appropriate or just odd time. I appreciate your support of my comments on that other thread. We are a community here and while we don't always agree it's nice to see us standing together. Jack_3_Beans suggested that I should pay back / forward the help that I've gotten here and I do try to because that's something I believe that a community does but I have enough problems remembering why I walk into a room some days much less what someone posted on their thread a couple of weeks ago wink

Thanks.


Originally Posted By: Coly23
I agree with MrB Andrew, you must do what is right for you. However I liked your reasoning about whether one bad year is worth throwing 26 good years away. That really does put it into perspective doesn't it?

Friends and family will always want what they think is best for you. They see you hurting and they want to make it better. Their suggestions are going to be the most obvious ones but not always the best for you.

IDK, I'm probably going to get shot down for this suggestion but have you though of asking W to meet for a coffee?
Coly - I did indeed suggest to W but in one of my longer, more begging messages that I would be happy to meet her for coffee etc. It was buried in some begging though. I think for now it's probably best to let her just bake on her own. I know what you're up to .... you're trying to get me into speculating and lose our bet aren't you wink I did notice today while filing a claim to my work sponsored health insurance (yes we have that even in Canada) that W had gotten some new birth control a few days ago which she doesn't need with me. I refuse to speculate on what she's thinking / up to but can assume that she's not ready to talk to me as an adult at this time because she's not contacted me.

I try to comfort myself with my box of crumbs which actually do get refreshed from time to time. I'm sure you agree with me though that this gets really tiring. I honestly don't know though if my actively considering giving up and then rejecting it is "better" for me than just blindly going forward or not. Each time I consider it I seem to get closer to the line and that scares me in some ways. I don't "want" to give up, I don't "want" to be a "quitter". I believe in W, I believe in us. She was a wonderful, kind, caring, loving person before all of this and in my heart I believe that person still exists inside of her. I honestly don't know the answer to what is "best" for me though and I don't know how to find that answer out. I search inside my heart and only hear thump thump thump. With my children refusing to "take sides" I don't even have them cheering me on. I am alone in this choice which is perhaps the right thing but it is a very very hard choice that I have to keep making all the time just like I'm sure you are.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
No problem. Whenever a troll comes and makes inappropriate comments, I encourage you to report them to the moderators.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 6,826
Likes: 156
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 6,826
Likes: 156
Andrew,

For the sake of argument, what would change right now if you weren't standing? What would you be doing differently?

Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 4,227
Likes: 63
A
AndrewP Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 4,227
Likes: 63
Originally Posted By: Ginger1
Andrew,

For the sake of argument, what would change right now if you weren't standing? What would you be doing differently?
Ginger1 - That's a heck of a good question that I don't have a good answer to. On the surface I wouldn't think that my life would be much different in the short / medium term. I don't believe that I'm ready for a new relationship although after almost a year from BD1 I think I'm getting close. I'd probably shut down contact with the bulk of W's family. I know that W always worried that if she wasn't around that I would encourage S22/D24 to not contact her family - they're adults but I suspect that they don't feel much of a connection other than to their Grandmother on that side. They also don't have much connection to my side because W always pushed us towards her parents and siblings (and I didn't push back).

The main thing that would be different I think would be that I wouldn't be feeling like I'm hiding / protecting something. Even though I'm an introvert I'm a very public person - the exact opposite of W. She loves groups of people but guards her privacy strongly.

One thing I sort of have a LOL about is that one of the first comments the very few people I've talked to even in general about my sitch have said is "you'll easily find someone new". I don't know if I believe that however in the last couple of days I opened up to a co-worker who is recently widowed (sad story - she was common-law and her spouse's children have now shunned her) who has now become quite friendly to me. I'm pretty cynical though about people's motivations. I remember a conversation that I had with W back shortly after her A started when she told me that she "wasn't worthy of me" and that I should "find someone new". For reasons that aren't worth going into here right now I have had a low opinion of my attractiveness to the opposite sex and a fair amount of cynicism about women and mentioned that any new woman would only be interested in me after they say my income tax return. I've always lived modestly and it's interesting to me that there now seems to be a couple of women who are interested in me as a person, not me as a meal-ticket.

Assuming that I stop standing, Yes - I don't want to live alone. Yes - I want to be loved. From my comments above though you can see that I have trust issues on a variety of levels that will need to be dealt with regardless of if I reconnect with W or with someone new. I also worry about how long W will keep me in this limbo. From what I've read and from how she's acting it could well be years. At 52 - going on 53 I do hear the clock ticking. Not having had to consider who a viable partner would be for more than 1/2 my life I worry about making a poor choice but as I'm sure you know from following along on my story I do tend to overthink things.

One odd thing about me though is that I have this weird inverse logic with regards to decisions. I can spend hours agonizing over the choice of a light-bulb when I feel I have insufficient information. I will however spontaneously make big decisions (3 months from meeting W to being engaged) and not look back.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 6,826
Likes: 156
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 6,826
Likes: 156
I think you hit on a few points here.

Before DB and any non DB'er I know has felt like the logical next step is finding someone new. I realize that most of the world needs to have a partner in their life before they get to know themselves, spend time alone after a big heartbreak/life change.

I find DB is that great opportunity to heal. Healing is so important before going into a next relationship. Even if it's a new relationship with your W. personally, I dated, but no relationships until a year ago. That would be 8 years.

I am so thankful for the growth I had when I chose to not go searching for a "replacement" I learned to love myself, live without my feelings being dependent on another. After such a life changing tragedy in my life, and yes, the loss of a spouse and a family is a life-changing tragedy, I made sure I got to a place where I was healed, the healing wasn't dependent on someone else, and I could give fully.

That being said, really, right now, nothing should be different whether you are standing or aren't. Your actions and patterns should all be pretty much the same. I know you are a public "grand announcement" kind of guy, but perhaps you don't need to shout it from the rooftops that you are separated, but you can be honest if someone asks. You don't need to spill the details.

You can take this time to get closer to this family that you pushed away when you were together. Because that would be a great thing if you got back together or not. I pushed my friends away because my ex only wanted to spend time with his friends and we did way too much together. I got my friends back and they are my family. Never again will I push them away.

Your adult kids should cheer you on to live your best life for you. But it is best if they stay out of the rest. I was a teen/adult kid of divorce. I wanted to be no where in the middle, but somehow my mom put me there. I loved my dad, I loved my mom, Sure, at first I wanted them back together, but as a few years went by, I understood why it actually wasn't a good thing.

I don't think any of us want to be alone and we want to share our lives with someone special. But the best thing to do is get to a place where you are healed and that love goes a long way.

Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 239
Likes: 2
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 239
Likes: 2
Originally Posted By: AndrewP
I also worry about how long W will keep me in this limbo.


You'll be in this limbo for as long as you choose to be. smile Your W has no control over how long you choose to wait for her.

I do disagree with your friend who said the longer you're in limbo-land, the slower your healing will be. You are healing as you are continuing to live your life. As you pack up her things, you are making your home YOURS. As you do things on your own, this is all healing! Each step is progress in one form or another. Sometimes we step backwards and that helps us to learn more ourselves or our situation. Keep doing what's best for you. We all work on our own timelines. smile

Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 4,227
Likes: 63
A
AndrewP Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 4,227
Likes: 63
Ginger1 / dream - thank you both for the kind words and inspiration.

There's a bunch that I could write about my situation and some progress and some questions but my tears are flowing for another reason. We have all lost a great friend. Jack_3_Beans has passed away and I know that I for one am missing him.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2712601#Post2712601

I'm sitting beside the bike right now remembering his kindness. I'll get back up later.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Page 2 of 11 1 2 3 4 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard