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SBJ Offline OP
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The problem I have is that she wants to move out in 2 weeks and also has the D papers ready to be signed. It totally [censored] when one person wants to save your marriage and one wants out so desperately. Now we have to agree on how we are going to divide everything down the middle...50/50 custody of the kids...who gets the pets...and all of the other BS that goes with D all at one time. This has only been going on since July...at least for me...maybe she has been planning this for a long time.


Me 49 W46
T25 M22
S22 D18 S13
W had EA Apr-Jul 2016
Dropped Bomb 7/9/16
ILYBINILWYA
HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17
Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
Joined: Sep 2016
Posts: 357
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So you have received the papers and are looking them over?


34, xw33
M-10, T-18
2D (8 and 5)
Ilybinilwy-1/16
EA/PA- 7/15-present (with my former best friend)
Trial apartment-2/16 (also when she considers us separated)
W moved out-8/16
W Filed 11/21/16
D final 1/30/17
Joined: Oct 2016
Posts: 875
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SBJ Offline OP
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Not yet...she said that they are ready and that she found a condo, but has not offered for me to look at them yet. The was she has been operating, she will give them to me tonight at 11pm. Talk about miserable.

She claims that we shouldn't argue about anything, because we don't have anything worth fighting for...I guess some people just think it's easy to divide everything down the middle. She is not very emotional about things...it's driving me nuts.


Me 49 W46
T25 M22
S22 D18 S13
W had EA Apr-Jul 2016
Dropped Bomb 7/9/16
ILYBINILWYA
HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17
Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
Joined: Sep 2016
Posts: 357
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Ok. I'm not saying she hasn't prepared papers but, you are freaking out about something that may or may not be happnening right now. Quite feeding into her behavior. You are giving reactions just as she is expecting. You are predictable and the same person to her right now because well....it's true.

I've been told to expect papers virtually every week (sometimes daily) for months. But then she told me she met with an atty several times. But then told me she was getting stuff together just in case the atty needs it. If you have ever been to a legal proceeding of any kind they tell you what they need pretty quickly. You have minor children. I doubt it's just a "sign here" and you're done. In my state they require (even in amicable and collaborative divorces) parenting classes and custody support hearings. Don't think she's going to force a pen in your hand and you will be D by midnight.

You mentioned that she hasn't asked you to look at the condos yet... why would you? Why would you help her abandon you? She wants independence and wants away from you, remember that. Why are you going to help her do that? Don't even wade into the friend zone waters bud. Otherwise you will soon be putting together a bed and dresser for someone else to be using....



Believe none of what they say and half of what they do.

A condo may be a good thing for both of you. She will get a taste at life without you (if you detach) and she very well may realize it [censored]! It will also give you the chance to GAL and focus on you!


34, xw33
M-10, T-18
2D (8 and 5)
Ilybinilwy-1/16
EA/PA- 7/15-present (with my former best friend)
Trial apartment-2/16 (also when she considers us separated)
W moved out-8/16
W Filed 11/21/16
D final 1/30/17
Joined: Oct 2016
Posts: 875
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SBJ Offline OP
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j20a00g...I was saying that I haven't seen any D papers yet.
as for looking at the condo, all I care about is that it is in a safe area since my kids will be there when she has them.

As for helping her move...that's a big NO. If it is in a couple of weeks, then I will be out of town on a hunting trip. The only thing I'd be worried about is if she takes something I did not allow.

My dad told me of a story of when he and my mother divorced...she was moving out and they had an agreement on the furniture that did not include all of the mattresses. When he returned home, there wasn't a bed in the house...he was kind of angry then, but laughs now.

As for the "friend zone" thing...it's funny how that is on all of their minds once they want to leave. She says that all we've had for 25 years is our great friendship, but now she is willing to throw away our M and thinks that we can still be friends. As far as I am concerned, I think that is an impossibility! Maybe once I totally detach, it will be easier to think about, but the thought of her with an OM is messed up. I know that that is something that is a me problem, but I am a work in progress.

As for working on me...I hit the gym last night and am so effing sore right now. Shoulders/arms/abs.


Me 49 W46
T25 M22
S22 D18 S13
W had EA Apr-Jul 2016
Dropped Bomb 7/9/16
ILYBINILWYA
HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17
Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 2,523
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SBJ

Ok .. as far as the move ... yeah mine had to hire a crew to move, turned out she took everything she wanted and yeah I had to get an air mattress ... at the time I was not upset because I figured a month or two she would wake up and all would be good ... ok I laugh now at that mindset, but it wasnt all bad .. I had a very DB 'shrug' whatever type attitude about it all and did not stop her from running to find all that happiness she just knew was on the other side ... 3 years later she is still looking for it and has yet to find it. MLCrs plot and run .. thats just part of this.

Ok so ... lets start digging a bit, what are her reasons for leaving you?


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



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SBJ Offline OP
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CaliGuy ...
1. As in earlier post, it was the typical ILYBINILWY thing, we have always just been friends, we have never been passionate, she has never really been in love with me...when I say script, it's like she is following it word for word.

2. She feels that she could never be intimate with me ever again...due to the face that for years we had painful sex. That was a result from a female surgery she had 5+ years ago. She says that she has alot of pent up resentment towards me.

3. Neither of these explain the fact that I feel that she had an EA for 3.5 months...she claims that they cut ties in July, but who knows. She has recently changed all passwords and also changed over her cell service off of our business account. Coincidence???

4. As you say...maybe she is chasing a fantasy like in all of her movies and romance novels. I guess I need to look more like Fabio. HAHA!


Me 49 W46
T25 M22
S22 D18 S13
W had EA Apr-Jul 2016
Dropped Bomb 7/9/16
ILYBINILWYA
HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17
Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 2,523
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 2,523
Ok ... so those reasons really have little to do with you and more to do with her right?

So here is something for you to do .... this was taught to me here and was the start of my journey.

The List:

List #1 list out 10 things you like about yourself
List #2 list out 10 things you do not like about yourself .... CAREFUL this is not 10 complaints your spouse has/had .. 10 legit things that YOU do not like about yourself.
List #3 list 10 things you admire in other men, men you know, admire from afar etc.

Now print this list out where only you can see it on a regular basis ... I had a copy in my bedroom after the separation, and another in my office at work. every week focus on ONE item from list #2, and attempt to replace it from ONE item from list #3. I highlighted this and every week had a fresh copy and did it again.
It doesn't happen overnight, and often I had to work on something from list 2 several times before I felt I could cross it off (Some things 2 years later are STILL there and still a work in progress) .. I still have the lists and I still have items from that first time there, but I will tell you they may have been at 90 then they are a 30 now. Some things I had to eliminate and replace with somethings else as I conquered certain issues I wanted to eliminate from my life. Some things are harder .. took me 40+ years to become who I am and it will always be a work in progress ... key term PROGRESS as I strive to get better day by day.

SBJ and anyone else reading .. this is the beginning of growth, this is where I began transforming myself into a better person one item at a time.


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



Joined: Sep 2016
Posts: 357
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Originally Posted By: CaliGuy
Ok ... so those reasons really have little to do with you and more to do with her right?

So here is something for you to do .... this was taught to me here and was the start of my journey.

The List:

List #1 list out 10 things you like about yourself
List #2 list out 10 things you do not like about yourself .... CAREFUL this is not 10 complaints your spouse has/had .. 10 legit things that YOU do not like about yourself.
List #3 list 10 things you admire in other men, men you know, admire from afar etc.

Now print this list out where only you can see it on a regular basis ... I had a copy in my bedroom after the separation, and another in my office at work. every week focus on ONE item from list #2, and attempt to replace it from ONE item from list #3. I highlighted this and every week had a fresh copy and did it again.
It doesn't happen overnight, and often I had to work on something from list 2 several times before I felt I could cross it off (Some things 2 years later are STILL there and still a work in progress) .. I still have the lists and I still have items from that first time there, but I will tell you they may have been at 90 then they are a 30 now. Some things I had to eliminate and replace with somethings else as I conquered certain issues I wanted to eliminate from my life. Some things are harder .. took me 40+ years to become who I am and it will always be a work in progress ... key term PROGRESS as I strive to get better day by day.

SBJ and anyone else reading .. this is the beginning of growth, this is where I began transforming myself into a better person one item at a time.


I like this!

Cali- you are 3 years separated now? What's the current sitch?


34, xw33
M-10, T-18
2D (8 and 5)
Ilybinilwy-1/16
EA/PA- 7/15-present (with my former best friend)
Trial apartment-2/16 (also when she considers us separated)
W moved out-8/16
W Filed 11/21/16
D final 1/30/17
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 2,523
C
Member
Offline
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C
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 2,523
Originally Posted By: j20a00g
Originally Posted By: CaliGuy
Ok ... so those reasons really have little to do with you and more to do with her right?

So here is something for you to do .... this was taught to me here and was the start of my journey.

The List:

List #1 list out 10 things you like about yourself
List #2 list out 10 things you do not like about yourself .... CAREFUL this is not 10 complaints your spouse has/had .. 10 legit things that YOU do not like about yourself.
List #3 list 10 things you admire in other men, men you know, admire from afar etc.

Now print this list out where only you can see it on a regular basis ... I had a copy in my bedroom after the separation, and another in my office at work. every week focus on ONE item from list #2, and attempt to replace it from ONE item from list #3. I highlighted this and every week had a fresh copy and did it again.
It doesn't happen overnight, and often I had to work on something from list 2 several times before I felt I could cross it off (Some things 2 years later are STILL there and still a work in progress) .. I still have the lists and I still have items from that first time there, but I will tell you they may have been at 90 then they are a 30 now. Some things I had to eliminate and replace with somethings else as I conquered certain issues I wanted to eliminate from my life. Some things are harder .. took me 40+ years to become who I am and it will always be a work in progress ... key term PROGRESS as I strive to get better day by day.

SBJ and anyone else reading .. this is the beginning of growth, this is where I began transforming myself into a better person one item at a time.


I like this!

Cali- you are 3 years separated now? What's the current sitch?


3 Years since BD, she moved out Nov13 ... Mar15 had a serious TnG and we moved back in with each other (She was far from baked) around April/May15 did Retrouville Jun-Aug15. The damage done along with her never quite hitting bottom sent her back into replay again around Oct/Nov15 (For her the childhood trauma is seasonal .. November) I caught her contacting OM Feb16 and I moved out 10 days later.

Currently waiting D papers, I suspect this will be a slow process as with everything else. I have had little contact with her over the past 8 months but from her looks she is still deep in her crisis.


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



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