Morality Clause in D decree???

[MrBond]

" but if I add fuel to the fire, would I be making it more difficult to possibly reconcile at a later date...should she come around?"

You're trying to predict the future as to what she may or may not do. You're letting HER actions or supposed actions control you. Be your own man again. Do what YOU want to do without fear.

[CaliGuy]

No I understand that she is the one doing the walking, but if I add fuel to the fire, would I be making it more difficult to possibly reconcile at a later date...should she come around?

There is a big difference between adding fuel to the fire and being a doormat. The LBS has to set boundaries with our teens (MLCrs) and hold to those without concern the MLCr is going to walk/run away. These are non-negotiable and simply just the way we will not tolerate being treated. Notice this is not how to control that other person, its not punitive, its simply a refusal to be disrespected on a basic human level and is paving the way to be respected regardless of the outcome.

As far as the "Morality Clause" I would be careful there. I am not sure what state you are in but that could be construed as implying she is having an A .... she may very well be and that could play into the D proceedings. On top of that it sounds controlling by you ..... some (mine) introduced OP to the kids early on ... in my case he was just a 'friend' and she had more to answer when asked 'friends shouldn't kiss like that' ..... not my circus/monkeys and out of my control there ... sure it stung badly but you really can do little if she has decided to bring OM along for the ride in her fantasy of life after D.

I get you are reeling but you really need to start applying the DB tools here, what have you been doing on your own, what goals have you set for yourself for the next 6 months?

[Esame]

What would the "morality clause" look like SBJ? How would you enforce it? What would the penalty be for breaking it? I didn't even know there could be such a clause, but it seems... impractical. I wish there was a way to safeguard children's interests post D, but I don't think it is possible

[SBJ]

I understand that once the D is final that it isn't my circus any more, but that doesn't mean that I shouldn't be concerned about the conditions that my children live in when not with me.

Maybe I'm putting the cart before the horse, but I'm still confused as to whether or not she has someone else waiting and has intentions of having them around alot when my kids are present.

As for my short term goals...I just updated my bucket list. I have decided to set back out on my personal fitness journey. 15# to go to reach my weight goal. My list for the next 12 months include:
Begin Guitar and Saxophone lessons ASAP
Fill my freezer with venison Nov/Dec 2016
Sprint Triathlon April 2017
Tough Mudder Oct 2017

As for all of the traveling I had on the list...it included my wife. Ireland, Europe, Hawaii...I will either wait to take my kids by myself, or simply see if her fog lifts one day.

[SBJ]

Esame, I don't know much about them, but I believe that they can be worded in many different ways. I was simply curious about having people sleep over while you had your kids. I'm not too concerned about myself as I will give myself 2 years, but my wife is all kinds of messed up and not sure what she will see as morally acceptable at the moment.

[CaliGuy]

SBJ

Honestly toss the Morality Contract out the window ... like Esame said .. its not enforceable, and if you have not read up on a MLCr the percentages of 1 having them be on-board with it and 2 actually do it you may be better off playing the lotto.

As far as giving yourself 2 years ... again you are looking way far ahead and you really can not say that either. I listened to a sermon that said we should wait 3-5 years after a LTR before we started dating ... yes 3-5 years and I recall I scoffed at that idea. Like you I also had some metal timelines ... I would date in 2-3 and would not allow anyone to even meet my son for 6 months. Well .... I did date and within 3 months she pressed to meet my S, I quickly realized I was not ready to date, nor for her to meet my S and broke it off ... here I am 3 years post BD and being honest I have alot more healing and work to do before I really can see myself giving 100% to anyone ... this includes my MLCr.

You can not do much about the D, we can not force them to love us ... all you can do is the mirror work and become a better version of yourself and learn about this crisis and get a better understanding to answer your questions of "why" .... I know for me that was huge, understanding she was always going to break and it had little to do with me, I was able to arrive at indifference even with all the damage she caused. It starts wht owning your side of the street and working on becoming a better man.

[ForeverYoung]

The problem I am having is that her entire family is falling apart while she and I are going thru this...one of her sisters is at odds with everyone, her mother is kind of getting in the middle of all three of the sisters and stirring the pot, her oldest sister is an addict that seems to be going back down the wrong path.

It's unfortunate that the family has been allowed into all this. It's always best to not involve them, because they will push and pull in ways that only hurt.

Now that the cat's out of the bag, you still would be best advised to back away from any conversations about your marriage with them. You can say you consider it a personal matter and that you plan on making sure that you and the kids will be ok... and then change the subject.

Find one or two people you can confide in who you can trust to keep things to themselves for support.

[SBJ]

ForeverYoung...I understand that now. She confided in her mother...I think because her mother divorced my W's dad when my W was young. Her older sister was living with the MIL and picked up on things. The younger SIL found out and took my side, saying that my W was doing the wrong thing. My FIL and my SFIL are both against D, so my W does not confide in them at all, because they differ in opinions.

She also confides in one married (previously D) female friend, and a married (previously D) male friend that seem to be telling her to follow her heart and feelings.

I personally have a couple of men from church that have my back and are walking this walk with me. I see where having too many people involved is a problem. I unfortunately spoke with her family too often when this first went down and now regret that.

[Esame]

Esame, I don't know much about them, but I believe that they can be worded in many different ways. I was simply curious about having people sleep over while you had your kids. I'm not too concerned about myself as I will give myself 2 years, but my wife is all kinds of messed up and not sure what she will see as morally acceptable at the moment.

I hope that she will be mature enough to not put your children through questionable situations. One of the reasons why I struggle with the prospect of dating after D is that I don't want my children around a person that is not their dad. But in the same way, I want them to experience a healthy loving relationship from their parents. I hope my boys will remember how things can be but my little girl is too young so if we don't have future relationships she will not see "normality". It stinks doesn't it.

[SBJ]

As I stated yesterday, it seems that my W's family is starting to crumble just as my W and my M are. Her mother is siding with my W about D and her father, SD, and a SIL/BIL do not think that it is the right thing to do. It is kind of interesting how the W is now calling them all crazy...and is angry/frustrated that they don't/won't back her plans. Not that anything can be done, but it is nice that some of my ext family is backing up and standing up for M.

I'm on pins and needles...she told me last week to be prepared because the D papers were being finished and I would get them soon. Talk about comforting going into the weekend. HAHA!