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So got my hopes up for nothing. The MC said she send to want to go back to MC, but once I got home she hemmed me up saying that we agree to disagree on the impending D, but she wanted to know if I was going to fight her in court. She is serving me soon it seems, but states that there are no demands in the papers. Saying that we'd agree on everything. Definitely not the woman I once loved. Kept saying that this is what's best and that one day I will see. She says she has to finally go with her feelings and be selfish for once.


Me 49 W46
T25 M22
S22 D18 S13
W had EA Apr-Jul 2016
Dropped Bomb 7/9/16
ILYBINILWYA
HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17
Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
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Sorry to hear that your wife is set on a D SBJ. My H also expects us to D one day, but since I told him I am not going to file we have to actually wait two years after a separation for an "amicable" divorce (if we both agree), or I can even refuse to sign and then he can "automatically" get it after five years. Horrible situation, but it was the only way I could think of in order to buy myself some time. I'm not advising you to do the same, I don't know if refusing a D for a period of time will help at all, I guess I'm just hoping that he might be nearer the end of his crisis by then and something could change?

My H told me the same thing, he wants to do his own thing, he doesn't want to be a "yes man" any more. So sorry you are in this situation frown

Take care


"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"

“There is freedom waiting for you,
On the breezes of the sky,
And you ask "What if I fall?"
Oh but my darling,
What if you fly?”

-Erin Hanson





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This emotional roller coaster really and truly [censored]. Totally selfish at the moment and doesn't seem to really care how this will affect everyone involved. I'm worried about it all...her, kids, extended family, friends, not to mention our business and finances...she thinks that it will all be rosy and everything will work out great. She thinks that we can still be friends after D. I think that is delusional.

I guess the hard reality is that this side of her existed before and was inside somewhere, but this MLC just brought it to the surface.


Me 49 W46
T25 M22
S22 D18 S13
W had EA Apr-Jul 2016
Dropped Bomb 7/9/16
ILYBINILWYA
HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17
Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
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The emotional rollercoaster does ... fill in the blank. So rember that Detach portion of DBing? Think thats just a suggestion or do you think its a valuable tool that can be used to keep yourself balanced?

I heard many of the same lines you have posted ... and add in a good number of others. I will let you in on a little secret, everytime she brought up D I simply would say "I'm sorry you feel that way, D is not what I want" I then walked. 3 years later I am still not divorced but it has finally been filed. (And honestly its ok.... I believe she needs this to get through her journey)

Thing is you have to understand, its not really about you, she is in crisis and in her mind she is desperate to stop the pain and she feels trapped, the only way out as far as she is concerned is to flee and you are the roadblock in the way of that. That's how they see it at this point. You have to stop grasping ahold of her or she will run faster and harder. Your sitch is relitively new and its not an easy thing, the longer I have been at this the more I have realized its really not so much about the MLCr and their journey... its more about the LBS and our journey, things we all need to look at and address and I would give you the best advice I can here and tell you the faster you start working on you, the better off you will be but by saying that I also know you will continue to flop around like a fish before you hit a point where you are ready to do the work ... its simply the evolution of things for us.

I will leave you with this ... the only thing that creates true change is pain. When that pain becomes strong enough to a point one just can no longer cope, true change will happen. You have to look at yourself and decide when you would like to start the changes and stop being in pain.


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



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SBJ,

We must be married to the same person. After my wife told me she wanted a divorce, she wanted out immediately. I convinced her to talk to a MC. Tomorrow will be our third session but I sense that her willingness to keep going will soon come to an end.

Someone has to do a psychological study on how someone can go from loving wife to hating her husband in 48 hours. My wife was sending me love notes two days before she asked for a divorce. It boggles the mind.

Does your wife have her post-divorce life set up yet or is she winging it right now?


Me: 46, WAW/WW:44
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Cali,

When told your wife that you didn't want a divorce and walked out, what did she do?


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CaliGuy...I haven't even put in all of the lines she has given me. The best yet is, "One of these days you will agree that this is the best thing for us". What a crock of _____!

I understand that yours was prolonged a bit, but my W wants our now and thinks that life will be great/easy. Totally not realistic.

I tried the walk away thing last night and she kept following me. She cornered me in the bathroom and I went to the kitchen. She came into the kitchen so I went into the garage. She came out to the garage and I finally said I was taking a walk. The entire time she was wanting me to agree with her that we should make everything easy and agreeable for our kids sake.

As for PAIN...I'm there. I can't believe someone in their right mind would treat someone they loved the way she is treating me. That being said...I understand that she is not in her right mind right now.

msp710...as for her Post-D life I don't really know. I think she has looked for places to live. She thinks that everything will remain the same financially. We have a college student and 2 kids in private school. We have discussed finances, but she says that is no reason to stay married. HAHA! I'm not saying it is either...I love my wife and don't want the D to happen. Some things are out of our control.

God bless you guys for the encouragement.


Me 49 W46
T25 M22
S22 D18 S13
W had EA Apr-Jul 2016
Dropped Bomb 7/9/16
ILYBINILWYA
HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17
Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 2,523
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Originally Posted By: msp710
Cali,

When told your wife that you didn't want a divorce and walked out, what did she do?


I do not know ... I didn't stand there waiting for a reaction nor a reply. I simply stated what I did not want, I never lifted a pinkie to help her with the D process, if there was a mediation apt I arrived early, happy and treated it as a business meeting removing all emotions which honestly sent her for a loop several times .... as she was reeling with guilt there I was making small talk with the people in the lobby.

To this day I have not stood in the way of the D, but I have not helped push things along either, and financially, emotionally it would have probably been beneficial for me to do so but I will never allow her to use me as the 'out' ... My stance on this if she wants it she will have to do all the work ... I will comply but never agree and she knows this. I came to the realization that she would do as she would do but I would make it known this was not my idea, not what I wanted but would not stop her pursuit for happiness where ever she felt that would be.


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



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Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Originally Posted By: SBJ
CaliGuy...I haven't even put in all of the lines she has given me. The best yet is, "One of these days you will agree that this is the best thing for us". What a crock of _____!

I understand that yours was prolonged a bit, but my W wants our now and thinks that life will be great/easy. Totally not realistic.

Mine did too ... the first attempt was the $150 Divorce your hubby.com angle. Now realize I was dealing with this for 10 months before I could spell DB. I did learn however when I said , ok if this is what you want fine, but its not what I want it changed things and confused her. This was inline with the fact I was working out, looking good, dressing good GALing/180's/PMA and all that. She would then flounder back and forth trying to convince herself and M D was for the best for us both to 'be happy'
I made it clear, I was not going to be her buddy, we would co-parent, I would not rescue her (This was tough as I am a chronic fixer).



Originally Posted By: SBJ

I tried the walk away thing last night and she kept following me. She cornered me in the bathroom and I went to the kitchen. She came into the kitchen so I went into the garage. She came out to the garage and I finally said I was taking a walk. The entire time she was wanting me to agree with her that we should make everything easy and agreeable for our kids sake.

She is selling you on that dream she has painted in her head ... you are not buying. Keep up that tactic and she will learn its futile and you are not going to be swayed. She needs you onboard so she can share the guilt with you.



Originally Posted By: SBJ

As for PAIN...I'm there. I can't believe someone in their right mind would treat someone they loved the way she is treating me. That being said...I understand that she is not in her right mind right now.


I learned a phrase that helped with the spew/monster sessions.

Hurt people hurt people

Your German Sheppard gets run over in the street, you rush to help him and he bites you. He is hurt badly and confused, at that time he is just trying to survive, the MLCr is similar ... they will say and do things to get YOU to end the M, its the trick to get out of it all without the guilt.


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



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