Ill try to make quick work of the back story. Been married for 7 years, have a two year old, just moved to Arkansas for school and bought a house. Husband is active duty mil and stationed in Maryland until March. The plan was for him to move out here (his hometown) after he got out. The same week we closed on our new house he told me he wanted a divorce.
Its been about a month since he told me he wanted a divorce. He dropped the bomb over the phone. Said he'd been thinking about it for a while but wanted to wait until I got settled before turning my world upside down. (How considerate of him)
Since we are separated because he lives out of state for work at the moment, I'm doing my best to implement 180 techniques from afar. I've lost 30lbs and I'm back down to my skinny-mini wedding size. I post pictures on fb/instagram of all the fun crap I'm doing just so I look busy. I answer his calls sometimes and keep them short. I do have to answer them so he can talk to our two year old. I dont pursue and I booked a trip to Puerto Rico with my best friend in two weeks.
Now, i feel like the 180 is backfiring. I'm struggling with being distant but not cold. Am I supposed to laugh at his jokes and engage him in conversation and just keep it short, or detach, not say much and be aloof? If he's supposed to feel the loss of the divorce before it goes through, I dont know which one would work. Right now I'm distracted and have few words with him and he definitely notices. But he asks me what my problem is. I just act chirpy like I dont know what hes talking about. Am I going about this all wrong? Any tips for DBing from afar?
Married for seven years
1 two-year-old boy
BD: 09/16/2016
Separated in different states due to military/school
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Be sure you are upbeat and happy. It's much better if you truly are upbeat and happy, but if you have to force it, force it, but don't be over-the-top happy.
Detaching is very hard, especially the 1st month, at least it is for me, but I'm trying to get there, i feel like I'm doing good, then I say something or do something to screw it up. Keep working on yourself, and make a better you.
M 40 W 40 S 2.5 Together 13 years Married 11 years BD: 09/23/16 PA, then long Distance EA confirmed 9/30/16 Exposed A to OM's W 10/7/16 A ended 10/10/16
I feel like its back firing because he's not at all intrigued by my sudden detachment. More like he's annoyed. He keeps asking me what my problem is and it makes him angry, which I feel like is pushing him away further. I'm not mean or anything, I just not overly chatty or act like I'm super excited to talk to him like I used to be. Normally when I call or he calls, (since we live in different states this is the only regular contact we have) I tell him all about my day, whats going on, about our son, etc. I ask him about his and so on. Now I dont ask about his. I let him talk and theres awkward silences because I normally fill them. I mean, hes noticing..but is that the way I want him to feel/notice?
Married for seven years
1 two-year-old boy
BD: 09/16/2016
Separated in different states due to military/school
@Nutts, our timelines for this s***show are practically identical.
He started an EA again with the girl (shes NINETEEN) he was talking to last year. She was one of his students. I saw on phone records that they'd been calling each other in the middle of the night and all day long for hours at a time. I confronted both of them about it again last week. She agreed to stop contact and seemed reasonable enough. But on social media, theyre still commenting on each others stuff. It sounds petty and immature, but he just cant let go of her.
Married for seven years
1 two-year-old boy
BD: 09/16/2016
Separated in different states due to military/school
I agree with MrBond - it sounds like you should slow down and read DB or DR.
Originally Posted By: G_Main
I feel like its back firing because he's not at all intrigued by my sudden detachment.
Have you read the thread on detachment? It sounds like you are defining detachment as cutting H out of your life completely. As being distant and keeping to yourself.
That is NOT detachment.
That might help you in the process of becoming detached, but it isnt what detachment is. I believe that detachment is about separating your emotional wellbeing from his words, actions, feelings. Its about getting off of the rollercoaster up and down of his emotional condition.
Originally Posted By: G_Main
More like he's annoyed. He keeps asking me what my problem is and it makes him angry, which I feel like is pushing him away further.
So you equate anger with moving farther away? He keeps asking about you...that sounds like being intrigued to me.
Keep reading and keep posting. Im sorry youre here, but you couldnt have stumbled on a better place.
Also, at what point is a letter acceptable? Or is it ever? If the latter, what is the tone of the letter supposed to be? Tough love?
What kind of letter are you talking about? I would say no to most letters. I wrote my W an 18 page letter less than a month after she left me. About half the letter was good stuff and the other half was me pouring my heart out and kind of blaming her for a lot of the ills of hour marriage. I wrote stuff in the letter I would never dream off writing now because my head wasn't screwed no right then.
I don't think it made a difference to her one way or the other on how she felt about me. She has only briefly mentioned it once in the talks we've had since then.
A couple of months after she left me I wrote her an apology letter from the advice from my DB coach. That letter my W did notice and wrote me back (and called me about it) telling me how much it touched her.
M 55 W 52 MR 32 T 34+ D29 BD May 8, 2016 - She moved out ILYBNILWY May 15 (Through email) No EA/PA August 23 - DB used against me in every way Divorce July 18, 2017 - Life is getting better every day
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
I feel like its back firing because he's not at all intrigued by my sudden detachment. More like he's annoyed. He keeps asking me what my problem is and it makes him angry
No, actually this means it is working. Keep at it or even step it up a notch. Grab some girlfriends and go on some girl's nights out. Men hate those. It makes them feel insecure. If you don't have girlfriends in your new town, then make some. That's pretty easy to do. Go to a zumba class, book club, or a women's meetup group. They're everywhere.
I have read divorce busting, that's how I found this online community. Being emotionally charged myself, I guess it's hard to find the happy medium.
I've read the detachment thread about a hundred times, wrote it down to commit it to memory and have read DB.
Like I said, I'm trying to find the happy medium and figure out with all of these rules, what does a conversation look like? I'm not supposed to offer up a bunch of information about myself, but I'm also not supposed to ask what he's been up to. I'm not supposed to answer my phone every time he calls because I'm not supposed to be too available. I'm supposed to end the conversation first, but appear happy and bubbly. No talks of the future and no talks about the relationship.
Since my husband and I are long distance, wth am I supposed to talk to jimabpjt and when? Since I read the book and the thread, I'm asking for your expertise for what's worked for you.
Like I said, I'm just confused as to what a conversation is supposed to be about.
He calls me every couple days and wants to have these long drawn out conversations about how he feels and why and how he's angry with his family for coming after him after this decision was made and how he doesn't want to move back. Obviously those aren't productive conversations.
Married for seven years
1 two-year-old boy
BD: 09/16/2016
Separated in different states due to military/school
You can talk to him about your child or possibly bills, the house, and business between you. You do need to schedule some fun adult things to do. I don't mean adult in a bad way. I mean fun activities for you and maybe other adults to engage in on your own. Without him.
Your schedule belongs to you 100% now. You and your son. Hubby wants off the team so you DO NOT plan any of your activities by him. You don't make your daily schedule with any regard to him at all. You return calls when it's convenient for you to do so. WAS's/WS's HATE when you detach and start to move on without them and are happy about it. You being happy about it really gets to them. They want power over the entire situation and by following the DB guidelines you take that power away from them and give it back to yourself.
Truly detaching and planning a life without him creates a no-lose scenario for you. There are two outcomes. Both good. Outcome 1, he snaps out of his stupidity and wants to put in the work to repair your M. That's good. Outcome 2, he continues his destructive ways, you divorce him, but because you detached and were executing your plan of moving on, the D doesn't crush you. It frees you and you pursue your post-M new life happy and healthy. That's also good.
Following the plan really does create a no-lose situation for you. Sometimes you detach so well, like in my case, that your spouse snaps out of their stupid ways and wants to come back and you're the one who is now not sure you want them back.
I went from crying and groveling like a baby to telling her that she's a cheater and I don't want to be married to a cheater. I told her I was going to be just fine without her and would find love again with a woman with integrity. I filed for D myself to set myself free. The ultimate detachment that I learned from the DB method (tweaked to my taste of course, I recommend everyone do that).
I went from pursuer to pursued. I flipped the entire script and it was she that had to convince me to stay, not the other way around.
In life your are worth exactly what you think you are. If you think you have no worth then you don't. You have to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you have worth. You have a lot to offer and if he can't see it then so be it, you detach, you move on, you GAL. I have seen many relationships saved when the LBS took this very action and in the cases where it still ends in D then the LBS is healthy and well on their way to happy. It really is a no-lose program.
"Truly detaching and planning a life without him creates a no-lose scenario for you. There are two outcomes. Both good. Outcome 1, he snaps out of his stupidity and wants to put in the work to repair your M. That's good. Outcome 2, he continues his destructive ways, you divorce him, but because you detached and were executing your plan of moving on, the D doesn't crush you. It frees you and you pursue your post-M new life happy and healthy. That's also good."
I can remember the penny dropping for me with this. Great - I am in such a terrible place and there is a 'you can't lose' option - that one's for me. And I have wholeheartedly followed that path. I do think you can choose to stand for your M with option 2, which is what I chose to do - albeit separated and fully living my own life while he carried (carries?) on his A. And he chose to initiate the D process.
So, I would encourage you to take the win/win path too
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I have plans for this weekend already, and like I'd mentioned previously, a trip to Puerto Rico with my friend the following week. I'm keeping busy and making sure I have adult time and me/time.
Is there a way to deflect the relationship and future talks without making it obvious that you are? Or do you just keep tight lipped through those and let them verbally process things? I know the "dont believe what you hear and only half of what you see" adage. I feel like every time he insists on talking about those he gets more set in his ways like he's talking himself in to it all over again. I dont bring them up, but he certainly does.
Married for seven years
1 two-year-old boy
BD: 09/16/2016
Separated in different states due to military/school
The 180's and GAL are for YOUR benefit, not his. Do these things because it makes you happy and a better person; not to win him back. If what you are doing is making him angry and irritated, then it IS working. Keep it up. So long as he is in an EA/PA, he can't appreciate anything. So continue to work on you and let him stew in the mess he has created. Its ok to listen to him and validate him. But you are not obligated to respond any further than that.
Me: 48 y/o W: 47 y/o Together: > 20 yrs BD: Dec '15, then S 2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D April '16: started piecing
Bottom line is if you want to save your marriage, you have a 50/50 chance with the method mentioned above and it's not DB. As mentioned, it was tailored to his situation that isn't yours. You don't have to be there to listen to his complaints if you don't want to and you don't have to agree with what he says when he does call.
Keep living your life the way you want to and don't keep it on hold for him. It's tough but you can do it.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Let him talk to his ow or bartender about all the reasons he's leaving and wants out. He's said it to you. No need to sit there and listen to it over and over as he convinces himself again. Don't sit and listen about his day or tell him about yours. if it's not about the bills or kid then don't have the convo. Not yet anyway. Distance and him not being able to keep tabs on your daily activities and being able to vent to you about his will surely show a noticeable 180.
I'm a little confused as to why you bought a house 6 months before he was moving with you? What was the rush?
34, xw33 M-10, T-18 2D (8 and 5) Ilybinilwy-1/16 EA/PA- 7/15-present (with my former best friend) Trial apartment-2/16 (also when she considers us separated) W moved out-8/16 W Filed 11/21/16 D final 1/30/17
I just felt like only talking about our son and bills would make the conversation boring and business like and wouldnt establish any positive feelings about me. But it would be a 180 I suppose.
We've been planning on moving back to his hometown for years after we both got out of the military. Its a very small town and the rental market is practically non existent. We planned on building our lives here, so there wasnt any reason for us not to buy a house. I had to move out to start fall semester for my nursing program or I wouldnt graduate on time. He wouldnt be able to get out of the military for another six months, so the plan was just for me to move ahead and then he'd join me when he was done. But the same week we closed on the house he told me he wanted a divorce. WHY he let it go that far and actually went through with buying the house, I'll never know.
Married for seven years
1 two-year-old boy
BD: 09/16/2016
Separated in different states due to military/school
I just felt like only talking about our son and bills would make the conversation boring and business like and wouldnt establish any positive feelings about me. But it would be a 180 I suppose. .
Precisely. He said he doesn't want you as his wife (right now) so why act it? What you have been doing hasn't helped establish positive feelings so you need to mix it up or else you get the same results.
Make the conversation "boring"? You can do what feels right or do what works. Choice is yours.
34, xw33 M-10, T-18 2D (8 and 5) Ilybinilwy-1/16 EA/PA- 7/15-present (with my former best friend) Trial apartment-2/16 (also when she considers us separated) W moved out-8/16 W Filed 11/21/16 D final 1/30/17
I just felt like only talking about our son and bills would make the conversation boring and business like
Thats OK. I promise its much better than having a conversation that drudges up all of the muck and brings the "I dont love you anymore" sentiment to his lips.
Basically, I think you should limit your conversations as much as possible. Youve been fired as his W.
I need advice. I have an appointment with a divorce busting coach tonight, but I can't wait that long.
My husband is with a lawyer today and sending me all of these messages asking me how to divide stuff up and he said he's only doing this one time. I told him to write it up and I'll write a response once I'm served and he accused me of stalling and making it more difficult. I explained that I just wanted time to think and make the best decisions.
He doesn't want to hear it though.
At this point do I fight and defend what I want in the divorce or just go along with it as to not create conflict?
Married for seven years
1 two-year-old boy
BD: 09/16/2016
Separated in different states due to military/school
I need advice. I have an appointment with a divorce busting coach tonight, but I can't wait that long.
My husband is with a lawyer today and sending me all of these messages asking me how to divide stuff up and he said he's only doing this one time. I told him to write it up and I'll write a response once I'm served and he accused me of stalling and making it more difficult. I explained that I just wanted time to think and make the best decisions.
He doesn't want to hear it though.
At this point do I fight and defend what I want in the divorce or just go along with it as to not create conflict?
I would have ask him to write a proposal. If theres something in particular that you want you can include that request. Then you can discuss it reasonably.
But I would point out that its difficult to communicate these discussions by text and you are busy today to discuss by phone.
You could say you dont want to discuss it until you consult with a lawyer as well. Thats not a bad option either. Though a lawyer wont really help you divide "items"...I imagine youll want to come to an agreement on it.
Make the conversation "boring"? You can do what feels right or do what works. Choice is yours.
Ok. So I understand that the point is to detach and make a win-win situation for myself. There is also an underlying goal of saving my marriage, otherwise I wouldnt be asking for advice and spending money on a divorce coach.
Obviously I want to go the "right" way. What I've been asking is how do I know if its working? How do I know if I need to adjust tactic in regards to how I respond to him? Since it doesn't happen overnight, what changes or reactions am I supposed to be looking for?
Is it supposed to annoy him that I don't have time to talk to him all the time? Is the point to act like we're already divorced and for me to move on so he feels the loss before it actually gets to that point, or is the point to emphasize positive connection while maintaining a good distance?
Again, since my husband and I live 1200 miles apart at the moment, the short phone conversations are the only contact we have. And I am fully aware how much more difficult that makes it for him to see my positive changes.
I know I keep asking a lot of you guys and I really appreciate all of your responses. I'm working hard on myself to make myself feel better about all of this BS too. I'm reading a codependency book and talking to a coach tonight. I'm doing everything I can. Its so much crap to absorb.
Married for seven years
1 two-year-old boy
BD: 09/16/2016
Separated in different states due to military/school
Make the conversation "boring"? You can do what feels right or do what works. Choice is yours.
Ok. So I understand that the point is to detach and make a win-win situation for myself. There is also an underlying goal of saving my marriage, otherwise I wouldnt be asking for advice and spending money on a divorce coach.
Obviously I want to go the "right" way. What I've been asking is how do I know if its working? How do I know if I need to adjust tactic in regards to how I respond to him? Since it doesn't happen overnight, what changes or reactions am I supposed to be looking for?
Is it supposed to annoy him that I don't have time to talk to him all the time? Is the point to act like we're already divorced and for me to move on so he feels the loss before it actually gets to that point, or is the point to emphasize positive connection while maintaining a good distance?
Again, since my husband and I live 1200 miles apart at the moment, the short phone conversations are the only contact we have. And I am fully aware how much more difficult that makes it for him to see my positive changes.
I know I keep asking a lot of you guys and I really appreciate all of your responses. I'm working hard on myself to make myself feel better about all of this BS too. I'm reading a codependency book and talking to a coach tonight. I'm doing everything I can. Its so much crap to absorb.
Detaching is a win/win because it has a hope of 2 wins....one partly being your own sanity and the other as giving a chance to save your marriage. I know that it seems counterproductive towards saving your marriage but what you have been doing has pushed him to a lawyer. As it was mentioned, you have been fired (or atleast suspended) as his wife.
You mentioned that the underlying objective for you is to save your marriage....that's why 99.99% are here. Also, you are meeting with a divorce BUSTING coach. Not a divorce coach as you mentioned. That's who H has met with.
Fwiw, I'm not so sure I completely believe he met a lawyer today that would tell him to text you asking how you are dividing stuff and put pressure it needed done immediately. Sounds like scare tactics and lashing. Stay calm. Let him know your email address and postal address to send how he and his lawyer have addressed the finances and that you will need to have it looked over by your lawyer and you will get back to them. Super civil. Many on here will say once it gets to actual divorce view it as a business transaction. I know think you are there yet.
My w has met with an atty "several times" per her. She asked me financial stuff "just in case the atty needed it". Those statements don't match up. An atty will tell you what you will need within the first meeting.
Stay strong. Keep reading.
34, xw33 M-10, T-18 2D (8 and 5) Ilybinilwy-1/16 EA/PA- 7/15-present (with my former best friend) Trial apartment-2/16 (also when she considers us separated) W moved out-8/16 W Filed 11/21/16 D final 1/30/17
I had a major set back last night, all the way back to square one.
Found out my husband has been sleeping with one of his prior students. Theyre both Marines and she's 19. Hes significantly higher ranking than she is. He "cut it off" because he didnt want to get her in trouble.
He also said that a mutal friend of ours confided in him that I was delusional and still fighting for our marriage and thinking he would come back. He was nice enough about it, but just said "stop fighting. I'm not coming back. move on."
I feel stupid for taking little things as signs that we were improving. Things like he hasnt filed the papers yet and that he was being nicer to me. He said he was just being nice to keep me happy so I wouldn't crucify him for the affair. He said that he was worried that when this didn't go my way and that he didnt come home that I would be vindictive.
I've told him again and again that I have no interest in ruining him.
I'm completely back at square one. I need some encouragement and advice.
Married for seven years
1 two-year-old boy
BD: 09/16/2016
Separated in different states due to military/school
I'm completely back at square one. I need some encouragement and advice.
This journey is full of hills and valleys. Some days will be good days and some will be bad. But stick with us and the bad ones will get less bad and further in between.
That said, Id advise to go back and start the process again with a beginner's mind. Look at your situation again fresh. Then set your goals and start to move forward to reach them.
Ok. Start with a beginners mind. So like I'm doing this again from the time he told me he wanted a divorce. Reevaluate, be happy, look good and take care of me first. Don't worry about him. I set new goals because the situation has changed, right?
I guess now I'd just be confused about appreciating the little victories because I dont know what hes doing just to appease me and make me feel better or whats genuine. I know that recognizing small changes is important for encouragement and to know youre doing something right.
He's going to get in trouble at work, and so will she because everyone knows. I was the last to find out. Go figure. So he will have to suffer the consequences of his actions in some form. Whether thats administrative actions or bigger, he'll get his peepee slapped. (Its a term we always used in the mil. Dont ask me why.)
He's in for another ride with getting in trouble. Maybe it will scare him straight. Hes an idiot though, so maybe thats thinking a little too ambitiously. :P
On a side note, I was down another 2lbs this morning. Only 15 away from my high school weight of 120. I cant complain there!
Married for seven years
1 two-year-old boy
BD: 09/16/2016
Separated in different states due to military/school
We had rented a cabin to stay in with friends for thanksgiving. Our friends no longer want to go as they think he's a pig and don't want to play a part in letting him come back and play house and happy family. He's really disappointed that they no longer want to go and now it would literally be us and our son.
He mentioned today that after he gets out of the marine corps, he needs to find himself again as a person and be alone and live alone. Fine. I told him he needed to be a more consistent part of our son's life. He calls about once or twice a week and our baby is only 2.5, but he knows and he misses his daddy.
I suggested today that he go up there to the cabin with our son by himself. Not in a spiteful way, but just so they could spend time together.
Would letting him have the most depressing and lonely thanksgiving ever be good for him? 😂 I feel like I should just let him even if he asks me to go. We're amicable enough that he'd ask for my company. Or maybe he'd just feel sorry for himself. Who knows
Married for seven years
1 two-year-old boy
BD: 09/16/2016
Separated in different states due to military/school
I guess now I'd just be confused about appreciating the little victories because I dont know what hes doing just to appease me and make me feel better or whats genuine.
Id say that when he is in an A with someone else, there are no 'small victories'. Basically, theres no relationship as long as someone else is in it.
So celebrate when you proceed towards your goal. If it's losing weight, then congrats on the 2 pounds!
I told him he needed to be a more consistent part of our son's life.
Id avoid telling him what HE needs to do. You can be the voice for your son, but I would frame it as what your son needs vs what you think your H needs to do.
Originally Posted By: G_Main
Would letting him have the most depressing and lonely thanksgiving ever be good for him?
Who knows?
I would focus on what YOU want out of this Thanksgiving. I cant imagine it's to play house with a guy in another relationship. So what do you want your holiday to look like?
I only found out about the physical portion of their affair yesterday. It's been an awful couple days. They ended it because they're both getting in trouble for it. Who knows what feelings are still there though.
No i I don't particularly want to spend thanksgiving ina cabin with him and play house. It hurts to be around him and even look at him.
He said that after he told me he wanted a divorce and I started my "divorce busting" and being happy and doing things for myself, he took that as I had moved on and that was his green light to get physical with this girl. He said I wasn't his wife anymore and the only thing that made me his wife was a piece of paper.
Married for seven years
1 two-year-old boy
BD: 09/16/2016
Separated in different states due to military/school
He said that after he told me he wanted a divorce and I started my "divorce busting" and being happy and doing things for myself, he took that as I had moved on and that was his green light to get physical with this girl. He said I wasn't his wife anymore and the only thing that made me his wife was a piece of paper.
This is why Sandi's rule exists. Dont believe anything he says.
Seriously, he thought it was OK to sleep with someone else, because your life didnt end when he said he wanted a divorce? That makes ZERO sense.
Let's say you hadnt done that. He would have slept with her anyway and said he did it to prove to you that he wanted to move on.
He's going to do whatever it is that he's going to do. You are only responsible for you. If you dont want to spend Thanksgiving with him, then dont do it.
Square one again. All of the details that have slowly trickled out vs just ripping the bandaid off just got to me. I got really upset and told him I hated him right before my trip to PR. He called me a few times on vacation and I just wanted to be left alone, so I exploded again. He's now in trouble at work and its left him in an extra foul mood.
Our son kept asking to talk to him tonight, so I facetimed him so he could see him and husband was just quiet and moody the whole time and didnt really care to ineract much.
He asked what I was going to do for thanksgiving since all of the cabin stuff fell through. The last we'd talked he was going to take our son to the cabin and go by himself. Now he says he doesnt want to go by himself and just wants to come and do it with family instead. I guess its an improvement, but it doesnt feel like it. Hes still being a miserable piece of crap.
Trying to focus on me and start over again. Honestly, I would like it to work, but I felt better after I told him I hated him.
Married for seven years
1 two-year-old boy
BD: 09/16/2016
Separated in different states due to military/school
My husband called today. Hes been relieved from his job as an instructor, assigned to a restricted position, a formal investigation is under way and he called me to basically tell me what to say to prevent him from getting a dishonorable discharge which would more or less ruin his life--all because of his horrible decisions.
I know in his head he is blaming the [censored] out of me because I was the one who said something. What a mess.
Married for seven years
1 two-year-old boy
BD: 09/16/2016
Separated in different states due to military/school
Now he says he doesnt want to go by himself and just wants to come and do it with family instead. I guess its an improvement, but it doesnt feel like it.
So what do you want?
Originally Posted By: G_Main
Honestly, I would like it to work, but I felt better after I told him I hated him.
I wouldnt judge based on your feelings. As you know, those can and will change. Just because you feel good about having said that now, doesnt mean you will tomorrow or next week or next year.
I want him to *want* to spend thanksgiving with me, but he's not going to stay here this time. He is going to stay at his mom's house and take our son for the holiday.
She blamed everything on me today and said him getting in trouble was my fault because I said anything. Up until this point she's been in my corner, and now that her son is in trouble, shes turned on me.
I *WANT* to not dread this holiday and his visit and feel like we can be nice and just enjoy each others company but the whole family is becoming hostile and its freaking awful.
Married for seven years
1 two-year-old boy
BD: 09/16/2016
Separated in different states due to military/school
Well it's expected that mama bear will protect baby bear. You're a mom. You would do anything to protect him.
It's pretty clear he doesn't want to spend thanksgiving with you...and that's ok. He has a lot of crap going on (consequences for his actions) and this is an excellent time for you to show you are detached and not there to hold him up and coddle him through it.
It says a lot when he broke it off with the other girl so she not "get in trouble" (which in turn is hurt) yet he openly hurt you. This person is not your husband. Detach, step back, focus on you and your baby and let him deal with his monkeys in his circus.
34, xw33 M-10, T-18 2D (8 and 5) Ilybinilwy-1/16 EA/PA- 7/15-present (with my former best friend) Trial apartment-2/16 (also when she considers us separated) W moved out-8/16 W Filed 11/21/16 D final 1/30/17
I decided to spend my Thanksgiving in Seattle. I currently live in Arkansas. Hes flying down on Wednesday, but I'm flying out the day before. Since he's still being negative and bitter about the whole thing, I decided to go see friends I haven't seen in about ten years and visit where I grew up. I think it surprised him a little that Im taking off for the holidays since he'll be here.
I also booked a trip for myself to Alaska next month to go skiing and dog sledding before Christmas. I made brief mention of taking another trip the other night on the phone and he seemed annoyed and got off the phone. He didn't ask where I was going. I just got back from Puerto Rico with a friend last month though and he seems jealous, but not in any kind of good way. Just bitter. I dont know if thats a good thing or not. I'm obviously doing way better than he is at the moment and he knows it.
Today he called to tell me that we needed to discuss splitting up the accounts and that we needed to see a mediator. None of the trips I've taken have come out of our joint accounts. So its not like I'm spending all of OUR money in savings or checking, it was all from a separate travel account I set up a long time ago so we could take vacations together someday. Well.. someday is now and he never wanted to go, so I'm putting those funds to use. He didn't know about the account until I started taking the trips obviously. Maybe not the best time to break it to him, but I worked really hard to save that money and I needed to do something for myself.
Im happy and chugging along and just doing me, but I'm never sure about interpreting his reactions to me. I get that this is all counter intuitive stuff, so I'm a little lost with how to take his bitter and uninterested reaction to me doing well and being happy.
Married for seven years
1 two-year-old boy
BD: 09/16/2016
Separated in different states due to military/school
I guess and how to interpret him calling me to be kind of rude about the accounts and going to see a lawyer. Is it because hes mad that I'm doing better and he just wants to drag me down because misery loves company?
Married for seven years
1 two-year-old boy
BD: 09/16/2016
Separated in different states due to military/school
I guess I should also add that he's under investigation right now with the military and was fired from his job for his physical affair with a former student of his. He's currently awaiting the results of that investigation and it could ruin his entire military career if he's found guilty of misconduct.
Soooo...theres also that.
Married for seven years
1 two-year-old boy
BD: 09/16/2016
Separated in different states due to military/school
Talking about trips (what you are doing,etc) is definitely NOT detaching.
Also, for your revealing of "hidden" accounts.... do keep in mind that he can claim those as marital assets.
34, xw33 M-10, T-18 2D (8 and 5) Ilybinilwy-1/16 EA/PA- 7/15-present (with my former best friend) Trial apartment-2/16 (also when she considers us separated) W moved out-8/16 W Filed 11/21/16 D final 1/30/17
I wasn't calling him to brag about it. We share a child, so I did have to let him know I was leaving. We have to talk about something when we're on the phone. I didn't bring it up in a way which was me trying to catch his attention. Just told him I was going. Honestly, I feel very detached. I'm not wrapped around the axle about what he does anymore. I'm just pleasant and happy and taking care of myself. And since he was planning on staying elsewhere for Thanksgiving (not in our house), I just gave him the courtesy of knowing his mom would have our son because I wouldnt be here.
Theres nothing left of that account to claim as marital assets anymore. He still hasn't filed papers so theres no order on me to not "waste" assets either.
I just wasnt sure how to take his consistently bad mood.
Married for seven years
1 two-year-old boy
BD: 09/16/2016
Separated in different states due to military/school
I don't understand why you seem confused that he is in a bad mood.
He's been put on leave and is under threat of losing his entire career.
That right there would put most people in a horrendous mood.
I don't think it's safe or wise to try to attribute his mood as any indication of how he feels about you or the R or your DBing efforts.
Just keep the focus on you and your son.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
I guess and how to interpret him calling me to be kind of rude about the accounts and going to see a lawyer. Is it because hes mad that I'm doing better and he just wants to drag me down because misery loves company?
Theres no way to know how or why hes being rude.
But, in my opinion, if I found out my ex was taking several large trips totaling thousands of dollars right before an impending divorce, I'd be pretty pissed off too. Coupled with losing my job and my girlfriend? Yeah, I think I'd probably be rude too.
SOrry, I guess it feels like Im expecting you to see the big picture without giving as much information.
Last week he went back to church and got baptized, has otherwise been in an ok mood and been somewhat nice to me. He called to tell me about the pastor's message and cried talking about how he had fallen from grace, etc, etc. Didnt apologize or anything or even say he felt bad, just that he knew he'd done wrong.
He yo-yos like crazy. I'm not emotionally caught up in it, because I know he's dealing with all kinds of stuff.
I guess what I'm trying to figure out at this point (with no way of obviously being able to predict anything) is if there is any ounce of it thats salvageable since this is such a bigger mess than DB and DR normally tackle.
Its easy to look at the big picture and lose hope because this is such a colossal CF that I dont feel like he'll ever be able to have any kind of good feelings for me again.
Again, its not so much the things that he says that hurts, because I can separate what hes doing and saying because I know hes got alien brain, but overall, the big picture is incredibly discouraging.
Married for seven years
1 two-year-old boy
BD: 09/16/2016
Separated in different states due to military/school
As for the trips, I traveled a lot before we were married.I would work just to afford travel and then Id go. I loved it. It made me so happy. After we got married, we never went anywhere. I always told him that it was a priority of mine and that it meant an incredible amount to me to be able to travel and he never understood it.
I started a separate account a long time ago and slowly put money in to it little by little so that we could afford to take a nice vacation some day without breaking the bank.
When all of this hit the fan, I needed an escape and I needed to get back to who I was before when I was doing things for me and was an independent person.
These trips aren't just me being lavish and throwing money all over the place. Its just part of my life philosophy. He knows that about me.
Traveling has given me back a sense of confidence and adventure that Ive been lacking for a really long time. I dont feel dependent on him for happiness, because I'm creating it for myself. I realize that I can't book a trip every month, this is the last one I'll go on until next summer. But it felt good to get it out of my system for now, visit some people who love me and go do something amazing and enjoy life.
Hopefully that makes more sense than me just blowing money and taking vacations left and right.
Married for seven years
1 two-year-old boy
BD: 09/16/2016
Separated in different states due to military/school
As for the trips, I traveled a lot before we were married.I would work just to afford travel and then Id go. I loved it. It made me so happy. After we got married, we never went anywhere. I always told him that it was a priority of mine and that it meant an incredible amount to me to be able to travel and he never understood it.
I started a separate account a long time ago and slowly put money in to it little by little so that we could afford to take a nice vacation some day without breaking the bank.
When all of this hit the fan, I needed an escape and I needed to get back to who I was before when I was doing things for me and was an independent person.
These trips aren't just me being lavish and throwing money all over the place. Its just part of my life philosophy. He knows that about me.
Traveling has given me back a sense of confidence and adventure that Ive been lacking for a really long time. I dont feel dependent on him for happiness, because I'm creating it for myself. I realize that I can't book a trip every month, this is the last one I'll go on until next summer. But it felt good to get it out of my system for now, visit some people who love me and go do something amazing and enjoy life.
Hopefully that makes more sense than me just blowing money and taking vacations left and right.
YOU dont think you're 'blowing money'. You have a logical plan. But the 'separate account' isnt yours and yours alone. Regardless of the source of the money, it is still a marital asset (as far as I know).
So if it's me, and my spouse was spending, say, $5000 of marital assets on things that I deemed unnecessary right before an impending divorce, Id be pissed.
Not saying that you should or shouldnt do it. But Im just guessing at why he might be being rude to you.
I did talk to him over lunch. He called to let me know that he was going to cancel our cell phone contract because there was a cheaper option through tmobile. He said that he didnt want to be on a family plan anymore though, that hed rather I have my own line, even if it was more cost effective to have it as a family plan. Fine. I agreed and said I'd go sign up for my own plan after school.
He started talking about places to cut costs and we talked for a while just going over expenses and I said that I supposed I could cancel my trip to Alaska, and he said "no, I dont want you to do that. You need to go." He also made it a point that I shouldnt sell or cancel things that are important to me if they make me happy.
It wasnt an entirely awful conversation with him. It just felt normal and light hearted. Like I said, he yo-yos. I finally learned how to jump off the ride and not get emotional over each good or bad day with him.
Married for seven years
1 two-year-old boy
BD: 09/16/2016
Separated in different states due to military/school
I read what you wrote about on ngs post regarding how you felt that your husband's infidelity took some joy away from your sons birth. And that statement was just so heart breaking.
Infidelity is awful. It is truly the worst thing one can do to a committed partner. I do not think it is forgivable. I think that when a person is unfaithful it is a sign of that persons selfishness and weakness. I read from posters in piecing and even when the WAS is remorseful, it is a difficult path to navigate. Personally, I don't think it is good for ones soul to be with someone that is unfaithful.
Many people blame infidelity on some sort of fog or mlc that the walk away spouse is in. I don't think that's what it is. Like I said, I think it's a selfishness and weakness of character... I do think the LBS enters some type of weird fog though. A fog that makes them think that someone that is capable of this type of betrayal is worth wanting back.
Would you ever date or marry a man that was capable of cheating on a woman that was pregnant or had a new born or small child? I know I wouldnt, because that says something is seriously wrong with him.
I want him to *want* to spend thanksgiving with me, but he's not going to stay here this time. He is going to stay at his mom's house and take our son for the holiday.
. Exactly. He has to want to be with you. And he does not. So you need to do what works best for you. Put yourself and your needs first and act without caring how he will respond. If he wants you, no matter what you do or say he will make it work. Making your actions about you and your son and not about him, will 1. Give you some pride back 2. Increase your worth and value.
She blamed everything on me today and said him getting in trouble was my fault because I said anything. Up until this point she's been in my corner, and now that her son is in trouble, shes turned on me.
Ugh. She sounds like an enabler. Personally, I feel like people need to suffer consequences for their actions or they will never learn. It will be a relative cycle of selfish and poor decisions. I think She should have raised him with better consequences and maybe he wouldn't have made such stupid decisions...(sorry, I'm being sarcastic and mad for you)
But in all seriousness, he sounds like he is asking you to lie for him? Can this have any impact on your career? Is that something you are comfortable with? Would you be swearing under an oath? To do this when there is plenty of proof otherwise does not seem wise.
I *WANT* to not dread this holiday and his visit and feel like we can be nice and just enjoy each others company but the whole family is becoming hostile and its freaking awful.
. Let them become hostile. You did nothing wrong!!!!! Who cares if they become hostile. Good for the, then. Keep doing what makes you and your son healthy and happy.
For someone who claims to have detached, you sure seem to have a lot of conversations with him. Infact, I even recall you saying something like "we have to have something to talk about on the phone"....no, you don't. Even the cell phone convo was way too long then moved into a convo about places to live. Quit letting him be more comfortable with destroying your marriage by allowing him to be your friend. Unless that's the role you want permanently.
34, xw33 M-10, T-18 2D (8 and 5) Ilybinilwy-1/16 EA/PA- 7/15-present (with my former best friend) Trial apartment-2/16 (also when she considers us separated) W moved out-8/16 W Filed 11/21/16 D final 1/30/17
@jujub, I never did end up getting called for the investigation. It went a lot differently than he thought it would. Just the way they questioned him was short and not very in depth. I think it's just a formality so they can sweep it under the rug because the commanders job is at stake too. My husband is the third marine being investigated for this in less than 6 months. They didnt call me, so I didn't end up having to say anything.
I flew to Seattle to spend the holidays with my friends where I grew up. I didn't want to spend it with his family. Talking to my DB coach, and she said it was a good move on my part. Doing things that make me happy and taking control of my life when I don't like the circumstances that I'm given is good. Obviously.
Why I would want to possibly stay married? Because it wasn't always this way. He was my best friend. We made mistakes and let the marriage take a wrong turn and missed every sign along the way to get back on track. Would it be hard? Hell yes. But life divorced, financially struggling as a student, being restricted as to where I can move because of custody, splitting up the holidays, new boyfriends and girlfriends isn't an easy path either. Both are destined for struggles and bumps along the way. I don't know if easier is the right word, but I feel like life would be easier if we were together and put the work into fixing it than everything else that's bound to happen. But he doesn't want to fix it. So I just have to keep chugging and keep my chin up.
Married for seven years
1 two-year-old boy
BD: 09/16/2016
Separated in different states due to military/school
He facetimes everyday at 7pm sharp to talk to our son. Sometimes he'll tell me about what he's got going on. Every ounce of our finances are tied, sooo we do have to talk about where it's going sometimes. He also called to tell me to get my own cell phone plan. If he's nice, I'll let him talk for a bit and be the first to get off the phone. My DB coach said that was a good way to go about it.
From what I understand of detachment, correct me if I'm wrong, it's not cutting him out of my life completely, it's just focusing on myself, bettering myself, detaching my emotions from his actions and the things he says so I don't have to ride the roller coaster of emotions with everything he says and does. I've done that. I'm focusing on things that make me happy, losing weight, school, going out with friends, etc. The only contact I have with him since he lives 1200 miles away in another state is when he calls at 7 to say goodnight to our son.
I feel like I've gotten so much additional, sometimes conflicting advice on this thread that no matter what I do, I'm never doing anything right.
Married for seven years
1 two-year-old boy
BD: 09/16/2016
Separated in different states due to military/school
I was confused with detachment too, but I agree with your interpretation. We should try not to be affect by our H emotionally rather than cutting H out. I think it's important to keep up the positives and focus on the positives. I also think it's important to keep building on the friendship and be supportive. Why else would they want to come back if there's nothing good to come back too? But that being said, I think I will let him earn my time and attention gradually. I have a 17 months old, it's impossible to go dark. He's here like every other day.
I think my H is involved with someone too, although he denies it, and that is without me bring up the subject. DB is exactly written for this sort of mess. No one in there right mind will want to leave their family especially when children are still young. If your H is in MLC like mine, take comfort in knowing that he is suffering and hurting more than you do...
All the best
Me: 33 H: 32 T: 10 years M: 2 BD: Aug 2016 H moved out Aug 20, 2016 S: 17 months old
Exactly. I guess it's a little different in my situation because he doesn't see me *st all* that if he doesn't talk to me a little bit when he calls, then how would he even know that anything is different? I don't want to completely cut him out, and I can't. We have a baby who adores him.
Having said that, I'm not like doe eyed in love with him right now, I'm just taking care of myself and understanding 100 percent that everything he's saying and doing is because he's emotional, scared, alone and uncertain. Thinking about him as the victim helps me not feel sorry for myself and I can take a step back from the hurtful things he might say and understand why he's lashing out instead of just being cut down by it.
Don't get me wrong, I don't spend every minute of the day analyzing everything he does, that's just the path of thought I took to get to the mentality that I'm not emotional and weepy on days that he's an a-hole.
Married for seven years
1 two-year-old boy
BD: 09/16/2016
Separated in different states due to military/school
I've followed your post and I'm sorry you are going through this. It also has just been a few months for me so i know hard it is right now and not knowing what steps to take. I'm still new at this so I can't give much advice other than listen to others on here. People do care. It's a cold day here in Arkansas.
Thanks for the response BSB. I'm on my flight home to Arkansas now. A friend is coming to pick me up instead. Husband flies back to Maryland early tomorrow. I don't know if I'll even see him while he's here.
Thanks for the encouragement. I don't only need advice, just to know the people care and are there is awesome too.
I hope you're well <3
Married for seven years
1 two-year-old boy
BD: 09/16/2016
Separated in different states due to military/school
Detaching with kids is a bit different, no doubt. Detaching is very much emotional as physical. It's not going dark. It's not disappearing or cutting them out. It's about detaching yourself from them so that emotionally they are not controlling your thoughts or feelings nor are you allowing the situation to.
I got the "we have to have something to talk about" connect directly from your post earlier. In response to that, the 7pm FaceTime for your son is awesome. For sure! Glad he's keeping to those for your son, however, detaching is keeping it to the son. Not about what H is doing or you are doing or with who or what's going on with the investigations, etc.
How will he know that you are detaching when you already don't see him or talk to him over a day? When you change how accessible you are and how those 7pm calls are handled. Perhaps you may want to look at beginning to remove some of the financial entanglements as well. Cell phone bill he chose. What else is possible as to not force conversations?
34, xw33 M-10, T-18 2D (8 and 5) Ilybinilwy-1/16 EA/PA- 7/15-present (with my former best friend) Trial apartment-2/16 (also when she considers us separated) W moved out-8/16 W Filed 11/21/16 D final 1/30/17
I got home today and I can't take it anymore. I completely failed at this and I don't care. His family is being horrible to me and they're the only people I have here. He's controlling my life just as much through them as he is anything else.
By me staying here, they enable him by playing house with him, coming over to take my son and leaving me completely alone. He moved me out here to be near his family, and now they're on his side. His mom is particularly psycho and I can't handle her.
I called my parents and bawled and they're coming to get me this week and I'm packing up the house and leaving. Wtf am I sticking around here for? So he has a place to come and be comfortable and drop in on his son when he wants? That's why he said he didn't want custody, why would he need it? I'm sitting around here waiting on him and his whole family is here.
I'm done. I'm not making this more comfortable for him. I have to get out of here and go where I want to and where I'm most happy and in the best situation for myself. That's definitely not here.
Married for seven years
1 two-year-old boy
BD: 09/16/2016
Separated in different states due to military/school
I moved back to Florida this week. My parents came and helped me pack my house and I left. I have my husband a pretty short notice that I was leaving and now our big pretty house is empty.
His family, especially his mom, were being so nasty to me. She came over a couple weeks ago and screamed at me and stormed out of my house and slammed my front door.
It was my husbands call to move to Arkansas to live near his whole family, and then he left and decided he wasn't coming back. Leaving me with the baby, the house and his family while he had an affair. I don't have to put up with his crap and his family's too.
He says he's not mad that I left and he understands. So for now I'm in Florida, but I think I'll move back to the west coast and live near the rest of my family in Oregon after the new year. Husband is indifferent to me moving, and if it's all the same to him, I'd rather go where I choose to be instead of where he left me.
He still hasn't filed papers. Too much work. Surprise, surprise.
Married for seven years
1 two-year-old boy
BD: 09/16/2016
Separated in different states due to military/school
It's good to hear that you've moved out of that situation so you can better take care of yourself and your son. It is appalling his mom was treating you that way, you need support not more of the same treatment that you were getting from your H.
And then if you move back by your family, the support you will have from them will be a great help. Take care of yourself.
H:44 W:43 M:17 S:15 S:14 S:12 W mentions divorce 8/2015 W files divorce 10/2016 D will be final 4/2017 Living together & will for a while
So to make a long story short, I had to move back to Arkansas. The situation was infinitely more complicated once I got to Florida, and it wasn't even just my situation--my parents ended up having problems too and I felt like I was the catalyst by moving back in with my son. No hard feelings, but ultimately I had to leave. Like I said, its way more complicated than I'd like to explain on here. I had nowhere else to go and no money to go there, so I came back to my empty house and moved back in.
WH still lives in Maryland. Showed up for Christmas for 3.5 days and went home. No word on the outcome of the investigation. Turns out his boss who defended him to no avail has also been having an affair on his wife, whom he has three children with. So no wonder he saw no issue with going to bat for my husband. I cant believe the nerve of some people.
Anyway, I'm back in Arkansas. Husband still hasnt filed for divorce and makes no mention of filing, but is an absolute cake eater. I was done when I left and told him that I wanted to split the accounts, I was done sharing money with him, everything. After he realized how poor he'd be without my income too, he changed his tune, was a little nicer and asked if they could remain the same for now. I dont know why I agreed, but I did.
The move to Florida and back to Arkansas cost about $1200. My dad originally paid for it because I didnt want WH to see it on the accounts and start questioning me. So I owe my dad that money now and WH is suggesting that I come up with it some other way instead of taking it out of the account. But sees no issue of flying to see his friend for NYE in Indiana. Complains we're broke and then spends money.
At this point, do I just insist on the accounts being divided and him paying child support and alimony like he should be doing even though he hasn't filed paperwork? I feel like he should be suffering the consequences of being broke and feel what its going to be like to survive on his income alone. Am I off base there?
Married for seven years
1 two-year-old boy
BD: 09/16/2016
Separated in different states due to military/school
I hate negotiating the divorce stuff. It makes it feel so final.