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Hi G main,

I was confused with detachment too, but I agree with your interpretation. We should try not to be affect by our H emotionally rather than cutting H out. I think it's important to keep up the positives and focus on the positives. I also think it's important to keep building on the friendship and be supportive. Why else would they want to come back if there's nothing good to come back too? But that being said, I think I will let him earn my time and attention gradually. I have a 17 months old, it's impossible to go dark. He's here like every other day.

I think my H is involved with someone too, although he denies it, and that is without me bring up the subject. DB is exactly written for this sort of mess. No one in there right mind will want to leave their family especially when children are still young. If your H is in MLC like mine, take comfort in knowing that he is suffering and hurting more than you do...

All the best


Me: 33 H: 32
T: 10 years M: 2
BD: Aug 2016
H moved out Aug 20, 2016
S: 17 months old
Joined: Oct 2016
Posts: 38
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Exactly. I guess it's a little different in my situation because he doesn't see me *st all* that if he doesn't talk to me a little bit when he calls, then how would he even know that anything is different? I don't want to completely cut him out, and I can't. We have a baby who adores him.

Having said that, I'm not like doe eyed in love with him right now, I'm just taking care of myself and understanding 100 percent that everything he's saying and doing is because he's emotional, scared, alone and uncertain. Thinking about him as the victim helps me not feel sorry for myself and I can take a step back from the hurtful things he might say and understand why he's lashing out instead of just being cut down by it.

Don't get me wrong, I don't spend every minute of the day analyzing everything he does, that's just the path of thought I took to get to the mentality that I'm not emotional and weepy on days that he's an a-hole.


Married for seven years

1 two-year-old boy

BD: 09/16/2016

Separated in different states due to military/school
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 148
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I've followed your post and I'm sorry you are going through this. It also has just been a few months for me so i know hard it is right now and not knowing what steps to take. I'm still new at this so I can't give much advice other than listen to others on here. People do care. It's a cold day here in Arkansas.

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Thanks for the response BSB. I'm on my flight home to Arkansas now. A friend is coming to pick me up instead. Husband flies back to Maryland early tomorrow. I don't know if I'll even see him while he's here.

Thanks for the encouragement. I don't only need advice, just to know the people care and are there is awesome too.

I hope you're well <3


Married for seven years

1 two-year-old boy

BD: 09/16/2016

Separated in different states due to military/school
Joined: Sep 2016
Posts: 357
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G,

Detaching with kids is a bit different, no doubt. Detaching is very much emotional as physical. It's not going dark. It's not disappearing or cutting them out. It's about detaching yourself from them so that emotionally they are not controlling your thoughts or feelings nor are you allowing the situation to.

I got the "we have to have something to talk about" connect directly from your post earlier. In response to that, the 7pm FaceTime for your son is awesome. For sure! Glad he's keeping to those for your son, however, detaching is keeping it to the son. Not about what H is doing or you are doing or with who or what's going on with the investigations, etc.

How will he know that you are detaching when you already don't see him or talk to him over a day? When you change how accessible you are and how those 7pm calls are handled. Perhaps you may want to look at beginning to remove some of the financial entanglements as well. Cell phone bill he chose. What else is possible as to not force conversations?


34, xw33
M-10, T-18
2D (8 and 5)
Ilybinilwy-1/16
EA/PA- 7/15-present (with my former best friend)
Trial apartment-2/16 (also when she considers us separated)
W moved out-8/16
W Filed 11/21/16
D final 1/30/17
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I got home today and I can't take it anymore. I completely failed at this and I don't care. His family is being horrible to me and they're the only people I have here. He's controlling my life just as much through them as he is anything else.

By me staying here, they enable him by playing house with him, coming over to take my son and leaving me completely alone. He moved me out here to be near his family, and now they're on his side. His mom is particularly psycho and I can't handle her.

I called my parents and bawled and they're coming to get me this week and I'm packing up the house and leaving. Wtf am I sticking around here for? So he has a place to come and be comfortable and drop in on his son when he wants? That's why he said he didn't want custody, why would he need it? I'm sitting around here waiting on him and his whole family is here.

I'm done. I'm not making this more comfortable for him. I have to get out of here and go where I want to and where I'm most happy and in the best situation for myself. That's definitely not here.


Married for seven years

1 two-year-old boy

BD: 09/16/2016

Separated in different states due to military/school
Joined: Oct 2016
Posts: 38
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I moved back to Florida this week. My parents came and helped me pack my house and I left. I have my husband a pretty short notice that I was leaving and now our big pretty house is empty.

His family, especially his mom, were being so nasty to me. She came over a couple weeks ago and screamed at me and stormed out of my house and slammed my front door.

It was my husbands call to move to Arkansas to live near his whole family, and then he left and decided he wasn't coming back. Leaving me with the baby, the house and his family while he had an affair. I don't have to put up with his crap and his family's too.

He says he's not mad that I left and he understands. So for now I'm in Florida, but I think I'll move back to the west coast and live near the rest of my family in Oregon after the new year. Husband is indifferent to me moving, and if it's all the same to him, I'd rather go where I choose to be instead of where he left me.

He still hasn't filed papers. Too much work. Surprise, surprise.


Married for seven years

1 two-year-old boy

BD: 09/16/2016

Separated in different states due to military/school
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 40
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It's good to hear that you've moved out of that situation so you can better take care of yourself and your son. It is appalling his mom was treating you that way, you need support not more of the same treatment that you were getting from your H.

And then if you move back by your family, the support you will have from them will be a great help. Take care of yourself.


H:44 W:43
M:17
S:15 S:14 S:12
W mentions divorce 8/2015
W files divorce 10/2016
D will be final 4/2017
Living together & will for a while
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So to make a long story short, I had to move back to Arkansas. The situation was infinitely more complicated once I got to Florida, and it wasn't even just my situation--my parents ended up having problems too and I felt like I was the catalyst by moving back in with my son. No hard feelings, but ultimately I had to leave. Like I said, its way more complicated than I'd like to explain on here. I had nowhere else to go and no money to go there, so I came back to my empty house and moved back in.

WH still lives in Maryland. Showed up for Christmas for 3.5 days and went home. No word on the outcome of the investigation. Turns out his boss who defended him to no avail has also been having an affair on his wife, whom he has three children with. So no wonder he saw no issue with going to bat for my husband. I cant believe the nerve of some people.

Anyway, I'm back in Arkansas. Husband still hasnt filed for divorce and makes no mention of filing, but is an absolute cake eater. I was done when I left and told him that I wanted to split the accounts, I was done sharing money with him, everything. After he realized how poor he'd be without my income too, he changed his tune, was a little nicer and asked if they could remain the same for now. I dont know why I agreed, but I did.

The move to Florida and back to Arkansas cost about $1200. My dad originally paid for it because I didnt want WH to see it on the accounts and start questioning me. So I owe my dad that money now and WH is suggesting that I come up with it some other way instead of taking it out of the account. But sees no issue of flying to see his friend for NYE in Indiana. Complains we're broke and then spends money.

At this point, do I just insist on the accounts being divided and him paying child support and alimony like he should be doing even though he hasn't filed paperwork? I feel like he should be suffering the consequences of being broke and feel what its going to be like to survive on his income alone. Am I off base there?


Married for seven years

1 two-year-old boy

BD: 09/16/2016

Separated in different states due to military/school
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