New to the 180. Help?

[G_Main]

SOrry, I guess it feels like Im expecting you to see the big picture without giving as much information.

Last week he went back to church and got baptized, has otherwise been in an ok mood and been somewhat nice to me. He called to tell me about the pastor's message and cried talking about how he had fallen from grace, etc, etc. Didnt apologize or anything or even say he felt bad, just that he knew he'd done wrong.

He yo-yos like crazy. I'm not emotionally caught up in it, because I know he's dealing with all kinds of stuff.

I guess what I'm trying to figure out at this point (with no way of obviously being able to predict anything) is if there is any ounce of it thats salvageable since this is such a bigger mess than DB and DR normally tackle.

Its easy to look at the big picture and lose hope because this is such a colossal CF that I dont feel like he'll ever be able to have any kind of good feelings for me again.

Again, its not so much the things that he says that hurts, because I can separate what hes doing and saying because I know hes got alien brain, but overall, the big picture is incredibly discouraging.

[G_Main]

As for the trips, I traveled a lot before we were married.I would work just to afford travel and then Id go. I loved it. It made me so happy. After we got married, we never went anywhere. I always told him that it was a priority of mine and that it meant an incredible amount to me to be able to travel and he never understood it.

I started a separate account a long time ago and slowly put money in to it little by little so that we could afford to take a nice vacation some day without breaking the bank.

When all of this hit the fan, I needed an escape and I needed to get back to who I was before when I was doing things for me and was an independent person.

These trips aren't just me being lavish and throwing money all over the place. Its just part of my life philosophy. He knows that about me.

Traveling has given me back a sense of confidence and adventure that Ive been lacking for a really long time. I dont feel dependent on him for happiness, because I'm creating it for myself. I realize that I can't book a trip every month, this is the last one I'll go on until next summer. But it felt good to get it out of my system for now, visit some people who love me and go do something amazing and enjoy life.

Hopefully that makes more sense than me just blowing money and taking vacations left and right.

[MoveFrwd]

As for the trips, I traveled a lot before we were married.I would work just to afford travel and then Id go. I loved it. It made me so happy. After we got married, we never went anywhere. I always told him that it was a priority of mine and that it meant an incredible amount to me to be able to travel and he never understood it.

I started a separate account a long time ago and slowly put money in to it little by little so that we could afford to take a nice vacation some day without breaking the bank.

When all of this hit the fan, I needed an escape and I needed to get back to who I was before when I was doing things for me and was an independent person.

These trips aren't just me being lavish and throwing money all over the place. Its just part of my life philosophy. He knows that about me.

Traveling has given me back a sense of confidence and adventure that Ive been lacking for a really long time. I dont feel dependent on him for happiness, because I'm creating it for myself. I realize that I can't book a trip every month, this is the last one I'll go on until next summer. But it felt good to get it out of my system for now, visit some people who love me and go do something amazing and enjoy life.

Hopefully that makes more sense than me just blowing money and taking vacations left and right.

YOU dont think you're 'blowing money'. You have a logical plan. But the 'separate account' isnt yours and yours alone. Regardless of the source of the money, it is still a marital asset (as far as I know).

So if it's me, and my spouse was spending, say, $5000 of marital assets on things that I deemed unnecessary right before an impending divorce, Id be pissed.

Not saying that you should or shouldnt do it. But Im just guessing at why he might be being rude to you.

[G_Main]

I did talk to him over lunch. He called to let me know that he was going to cancel our cell phone contract because there was a cheaper option through tmobile. He said that he didnt want to be on a family plan anymore though, that hed rather I have my own line, even if it was more cost effective to have it as a family plan. Fine. I agreed and said I'd go sign up for my own plan after school.

He started talking about places to cut costs and we talked for a while just going over expenses and I said that I supposed I could cancel my trip to Alaska, and he said "no, I dont want you to do that. You need to go." He also made it a point that I shouldnt sell or cancel things that are important to me if they make me happy.

It wasnt an entirely awful conversation with him. It just felt normal and light hearted. Like I said, he yo-yos. I finally learned how to jump off the ride and not get emotional over each good or bad day with him.

[JujuB]

Hello g main

I read what you wrote about on ngs post regarding how you felt that your husband's infidelity took some joy away from your sons birth. And that statement was just so heart breaking.

Infidelity is awful. It is truly the worst thing one can do to a committed partner. I do not think it is forgivable. I think that when a person is unfaithful it is a sign of that persons selfishness and weakness. I read from posters in piecing and even when the WAS is remorseful, it is a difficult path to navigate. Personally, I don't think it is good for ones soul to be with someone that is unfaithful.

Many people blame infidelity on some sort of fog or mlc that the walk away spouse is in. I don't think that's what it is. Like I said, I think it's a selfishness and weakness of character... I do think the LBS enters some type of weird fog though. A fog that makes them think that someone that is capable of this type of betrayal is worth wanting back.

Would you ever date or marry a man that was capable of cheating on a woman that was pregnant or had a new born or small child? I know I wouldnt, because that says something is seriously wrong with him.

So why is it that you want him back?

[JujuB]

I want him to *want* to spend thanksgiving with me, but he's not going to stay here this time. He is going to stay at his mom's house and take our son for the holiday.

. Exactly. He has to want to be with you. And he does not. So you need to do what works best for you. Put yourself and your needs first and act without caring how he will respond. If he wants you, no matter what you do or say he will make it work. Making your actions about you and your son and not about him, will 1. Give you some pride back 2. Increase your worth and value.

She blamed everything on me today and said him getting in trouble was my fault because I said anything. Up until this point she's been in my corner, and now that her son is in trouble, shes turned on me.

Ugh. She sounds like an enabler. Personally, I feel like people need to suffer consequences for their actions or they will never learn. It will be a relative cycle of selfish and poor decisions. I think She should have raised him with better consequences and maybe he wouldn't have made such stupid decisions...(sorry, I'm being sarcastic and mad for you)

But in all seriousness, he sounds like he is asking you to lie for him? Can this have any impact on your career? Is that something you are comfortable with? Would you be swearing under an oath? To do this when there is plenty of proof otherwise does not seem wise.


I *WANT* to not dread this holiday and his visit and feel like we can be nice and just enjoy each others company but the whole family is becoming hostile and its freaking awful.

. Let them become hostile. You did nothing wrong!!!!! Who cares if they become hostile. Good for the, then. Keep doing what makes you and your son healthy and happy.

[j20a00g]

For someone who claims to have detached, you sure seem to have a lot of conversations with him. Infact, I even recall you saying something like "we have to have something to talk about on the phone"....no, you don't. Even the cell phone convo was way too long then moved into a convo about places to live. Quit letting him be more comfortable with destroying your marriage by allowing him to be your friend. Unless that's the role you want permanently.

[G_Main]

@jujub, I never did end up getting called for the investigation. It went a lot differently than he thought it would. Just the way they questioned him was short and not very in depth. I think it's just a formality so they can sweep it under the rug because the commanders job is at stake too. My husband is the third marine being investigated for this in less than 6 months. They didnt call me, so I didn't end up having to say anything.

I flew to Seattle to spend the holidays with my friends where I grew up. I didn't want to spend it with his family. Talking to my DB coach, and she said it was a good move on my part. Doing things that make me happy and taking control of my life when I don't like the circumstances that I'm given is good. Obviously.

Why I would want to possibly stay married? Because it wasn't always this way. He was my best friend. We made mistakes and let the marriage take a wrong turn and missed every sign along the way to get back on track. Would it be hard? Hell yes. But life divorced, financially struggling as a student, being restricted as to where I can move because of custody, splitting up the holidays, new boyfriends and girlfriends isn't an easy path either. Both are destined for struggles and bumps along the way. I don't know if easier is the right word, but I feel like life would be easier if we were together and put the work into fixing it than everything else that's bound to happen. But he doesn't want to fix it. So I just have to keep chugging and keep my chin up.

[G_Main]

He facetimes everyday at 7pm sharp to talk to our son. Sometimes he'll tell me about what he's got going on. Every ounce of our finances are tied, sooo we do have to talk about where it's going sometimes. He also called to tell me to get my own cell phone plan. If he's nice, I'll let him talk for a bit and be the first to get off the phone. My DB coach said that was a good way to go about it.

From what I understand of detachment, correct me if I'm wrong, it's not cutting him out of my life completely, it's just focusing on myself, bettering myself, detaching my emotions from his actions and the things he says so I don't have to ride the roller coaster of emotions with everything he says and does. I've done that. I'm focusing on things that make me happy, losing weight, school, going out with friends, etc. The only contact I have with him since he lives 1200 miles away in another state is when he calls at 7 to say goodnight to our son.

I feel like I've gotten so much additional, sometimes conflicting advice on this thread that no matter what I do, I'm never doing anything right.

[G_Main]

^^^ when he called me the other day at lunch, that was seriously the only exception to the calling at 7 rule.