I just felt like only talking about our son and bills would make the conversation boring and business like and wouldnt establish any positive feelings about me. But it would be a 180 I suppose. .
Precisely. He said he doesn't want you as his wife (right now) so why act it? What you have been doing hasn't helped establish positive feelings so you need to mix it up or else you get the same results.
Make the conversation "boring"? You can do what feels right or do what works. Choice is yours.
34, xw33 M-10, T-18 2D (8 and 5) Ilybinilwy-1/16 EA/PA- 7/15-present (with my former best friend) Trial apartment-2/16 (also when she considers us separated) W moved out-8/16 W Filed 11/21/16 D final 1/30/17
I just felt like only talking about our son and bills would make the conversation boring and business like
Thats OK. I promise its much better than having a conversation that drudges up all of the muck and brings the "I dont love you anymore" sentiment to his lips.
Basically, I think you should limit your conversations as much as possible. Youve been fired as his W.
I need advice. I have an appointment with a divorce busting coach tonight, but I can't wait that long.
My husband is with a lawyer today and sending me all of these messages asking me how to divide stuff up and he said he's only doing this one time. I told him to write it up and I'll write a response once I'm served and he accused me of stalling and making it more difficult. I explained that I just wanted time to think and make the best decisions.
He doesn't want to hear it though.
At this point do I fight and defend what I want in the divorce or just go along with it as to not create conflict?
Married for seven years
1 two-year-old boy
BD: 09/16/2016
Separated in different states due to military/school
I need advice. I have an appointment with a divorce busting coach tonight, but I can't wait that long.
My husband is with a lawyer today and sending me all of these messages asking me how to divide stuff up and he said he's only doing this one time. I told him to write it up and I'll write a response once I'm served and he accused me of stalling and making it more difficult. I explained that I just wanted time to think and make the best decisions.
He doesn't want to hear it though.
At this point do I fight and defend what I want in the divorce or just go along with it as to not create conflict?
I would have ask him to write a proposal. If theres something in particular that you want you can include that request. Then you can discuss it reasonably.
But I would point out that its difficult to communicate these discussions by text and you are busy today to discuss by phone.
You could say you dont want to discuss it until you consult with a lawyer as well. Thats not a bad option either. Though a lawyer wont really help you divide "items"...I imagine youll want to come to an agreement on it.
Make the conversation "boring"? You can do what feels right or do what works. Choice is yours.
Ok. So I understand that the point is to detach and make a win-win situation for myself. There is also an underlying goal of saving my marriage, otherwise I wouldnt be asking for advice and spending money on a divorce coach.
Obviously I want to go the "right" way. What I've been asking is how do I know if its working? How do I know if I need to adjust tactic in regards to how I respond to him? Since it doesn't happen overnight, what changes or reactions am I supposed to be looking for?
Is it supposed to annoy him that I don't have time to talk to him all the time? Is the point to act like we're already divorced and for me to move on so he feels the loss before it actually gets to that point, or is the point to emphasize positive connection while maintaining a good distance?
Again, since my husband and I live 1200 miles apart at the moment, the short phone conversations are the only contact we have. And I am fully aware how much more difficult that makes it for him to see my positive changes.
I know I keep asking a lot of you guys and I really appreciate all of your responses. I'm working hard on myself to make myself feel better about all of this BS too. I'm reading a codependency book and talking to a coach tonight. I'm doing everything I can. Its so much crap to absorb.
Married for seven years
1 two-year-old boy
BD: 09/16/2016
Separated in different states due to military/school
Make the conversation "boring"? You can do what feels right or do what works. Choice is yours.
Ok. So I understand that the point is to detach and make a win-win situation for myself. There is also an underlying goal of saving my marriage, otherwise I wouldnt be asking for advice and spending money on a divorce coach.
Obviously I want to go the "right" way. What I've been asking is how do I know if its working? How do I know if I need to adjust tactic in regards to how I respond to him? Since it doesn't happen overnight, what changes or reactions am I supposed to be looking for?
Is it supposed to annoy him that I don't have time to talk to him all the time? Is the point to act like we're already divorced and for me to move on so he feels the loss before it actually gets to that point, or is the point to emphasize positive connection while maintaining a good distance?
Again, since my husband and I live 1200 miles apart at the moment, the short phone conversations are the only contact we have. And I am fully aware how much more difficult that makes it for him to see my positive changes.
I know I keep asking a lot of you guys and I really appreciate all of your responses. I'm working hard on myself to make myself feel better about all of this BS too. I'm reading a codependency book and talking to a coach tonight. I'm doing everything I can. Its so much crap to absorb.
Detaching is a win/win because it has a hope of 2 wins....one partly being your own sanity and the other as giving a chance to save your marriage. I know that it seems counterproductive towards saving your marriage but what you have been doing has pushed him to a lawyer. As it was mentioned, you have been fired (or atleast suspended) as his wife.
You mentioned that the underlying objective for you is to save your marriage....that's why 99.99% are here. Also, you are meeting with a divorce BUSTING coach. Not a divorce coach as you mentioned. That's who H has met with.
Fwiw, I'm not so sure I completely believe he met a lawyer today that would tell him to text you asking how you are dividing stuff and put pressure it needed done immediately. Sounds like scare tactics and lashing. Stay calm. Let him know your email address and postal address to send how he and his lawyer have addressed the finances and that you will need to have it looked over by your lawyer and you will get back to them. Super civil. Many on here will say once it gets to actual divorce view it as a business transaction. I know think you are there yet.
My w has met with an atty "several times" per her. She asked me financial stuff "just in case the atty needed it". Those statements don't match up. An atty will tell you what you will need within the first meeting.
Stay strong. Keep reading.
34, xw33 M-10, T-18 2D (8 and 5) Ilybinilwy-1/16 EA/PA- 7/15-present (with my former best friend) Trial apartment-2/16 (also when she considers us separated) W moved out-8/16 W Filed 11/21/16 D final 1/30/17
I had a major set back last night, all the way back to square one.
Found out my husband has been sleeping with one of his prior students. Theyre both Marines and she's 19. Hes significantly higher ranking than she is. He "cut it off" because he didnt want to get her in trouble.
He also said that a mutal friend of ours confided in him that I was delusional and still fighting for our marriage and thinking he would come back. He was nice enough about it, but just said "stop fighting. I'm not coming back. move on."
I feel stupid for taking little things as signs that we were improving. Things like he hasnt filed the papers yet and that he was being nicer to me. He said he was just being nice to keep me happy so I wouldn't crucify him for the affair. He said that he was worried that when this didn't go my way and that he didnt come home that I would be vindictive.
I've told him again and again that I have no interest in ruining him.
I'm completely back at square one. I need some encouragement and advice.
Married for seven years
1 two-year-old boy
BD: 09/16/2016
Separated in different states due to military/school
I'm completely back at square one. I need some encouragement and advice.
This journey is full of hills and valleys. Some days will be good days and some will be bad. But stick with us and the bad ones will get less bad and further in between.
That said, Id advise to go back and start the process again with a beginner's mind. Look at your situation again fresh. Then set your goals and start to move forward to reach them.
I hate negotiating the divorce stuff. It makes it feel so final.