New to the 180. Help?

[Cadet]

Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.

Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.

Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.

[TxHubby]

I feel like its back firing because he's not at all intrigued by my sudden detachment. More like he's annoyed. He keeps asking me what my problem is and it makes him angry

No, actually this means it is working. Keep at it or even step it up a notch. Grab some girlfriends and go on some girl's nights out. Men hate those. It makes them feel insecure. If you don't have girlfriends in your new town, then make some. That's pretty easy to do. Go to a zumba class, book club, or a women's meetup group. They're everywhere.

[G_Main]

I have read divorce busting, that's how I found this online community. Being emotionally charged myself, I guess it's hard to find the happy medium.

I've read the detachment thread about a hundred times, wrote it down to commit it to memory and have read DB.

Like I said, I'm trying to find the happy medium and figure out with all of these rules, what does a conversation look like? I'm not supposed to offer up a bunch of information about myself, but I'm also not supposed to ask what he's been up to. I'm not supposed to answer my phone every time he calls because I'm not supposed to be too available. I'm supposed to end the conversation first, but appear happy and bubbly. No talks of the future and no talks about the relationship.

Since my husband and I are long distance, wth am I supposed to talk to jimabpjt and when? Since I read the book and the thread, I'm asking for your expertise for what's worked for you.

Like I said, I'm just confused as to what a conversation is supposed to be about.

He calls me every couple days and wants to have these long drawn out conversations about how he feels and why and how he's angry with his family for coming after him after this decision was made and how he doesn't want to move back. Obviously those aren't productive conversations.

[TxHubby]

You can talk to him about your child or possibly bills, the house, and business between you. You do need to schedule some fun adult things to do. I don't mean adult in a bad way. I mean fun activities for you and maybe other adults to engage in on your own. Without him.

Your schedule belongs to you 100% now. You and your son. Hubby wants off the team so you DO NOT plan any of your activities by him. You don't make your daily schedule with any regard to him at all. You return calls when it's convenient for you to do so. WAS's/WS's HATE when you detach and start to move on without them and are happy about it. You being happy about it really gets to them. They want power over the entire situation and by following the DB guidelines you take that power away from them and give it back to yourself.

Truly detaching and planning a life without him creates a no-lose scenario for you. There are two outcomes. Both good. Outcome 1, he snaps out of his stupidity and wants to put in the work to repair your M. That's good. Outcome 2, he continues his destructive ways, you divorce him, but because you detached and were executing your plan of moving on, the D doesn't crush you. It frees you and you pursue your post-M new life happy and healthy. That's also good.

Following the plan really does create a no-lose situation for you. Sometimes you detach so well, like in my case, that your spouse snaps out of their stupid ways and wants to come back and you're the one who is now not sure you want them back.

I went from crying and groveling like a baby to telling her that she's a cheater and I don't want to be married to a cheater. I told her I was going to be just fine without her and would find love again with a woman with integrity. I filed for D myself to set myself free. The ultimate detachment that I learned from the DB method (tweaked to my taste of course, I recommend everyone do that).

I went from pursuer to pursued. I flipped the entire script and it was she that had to convince me to stay, not the other way around.

In life your are worth exactly what you think you are. If you think you have no worth then you don't. You have to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you have worth. You have a lot to offer and if he can't see it then so be it, you detach, you move on, you GAL. I have seen many relationships saved when the LBS took this very action and in the cases where it still ends in D then the LBS is healthy and well on their way to happy. It really is a no-lose program.

[Sotto]

"Truly detaching and planning a life without him creates a no-lose scenario for you. There are two outcomes. Both good. Outcome 1, he snaps out of his stupidity and wants to put in the work to repair your M. That's good. Outcome 2, he continues his destructive ways, you divorce him, but because you detached and were executing your plan of moving on, the D doesn't crush you. It frees you and you pursue your post-M new life happy and healthy. That's also good."

I can remember the penny dropping for me with this. Great - I am in such a terrible place and there is a 'you can't lose' option - that one's for me. And I have wholeheartedly followed that path. I do think you can choose to stand for your M with option 2, which is what I chose to do - albeit separated and fully living my own life while he carried (carries?) on his A. And he chose to initiate the D process.

So, I would encourage you to take the win/win path too

[G_Main]

I have plans for this weekend already, and like I'd mentioned previously, a trip to Puerto Rico with my friend the following week. I'm keeping busy and making sure I have adult time and me/time.

Is there a way to deflect the relationship and future talks without making it obvious that you are? Or do you just keep tight lipped through those and let them verbally process things? I know the "dont believe what you hear and only half of what you see" adage. I feel like every time he insists on talking about those he gets more set in his ways like he's talking himself in to it all over again. I dont bring them up, but he certainly does.

[LiM]

Remember G,

The 180's and GAL are for YOUR benefit, not his. Do these things because it makes you happy and a better person; not to win him back.
If what you are doing is making him angry and irritated, then it IS working. Keep it up.
So long as he is in an EA/PA, he can't appreciate anything. So continue to work on you and let him stew in the mess he has created.
Its ok to listen to him and validate him. But you are not obligated to respond any further than that.

[MrBond]

Bottom line is if you want to save your marriage, you have a 50/50 chance with the method mentioned above and it's not DB. As mentioned, it was tailored to his situation that isn't yours. You don't have to be there to listen to his complaints if you don't want to and you don't have to agree with what he says when he does call.

Keep living your life the way you want to and don't keep it on hold for him. It's tough but you can do it.

[j20a00g]

I'm with bond....mrbond.

Let him talk to his ow or bartender about all the reasons he's leaving and wants out. He's said it to you. No need to sit there and listen to it over and over as he convinces himself again. Don't sit and listen about his day or tell him about yours. if it's not about the bills or kid then don't have the convo. Not yet anyway. Distance and him not being able to keep tabs on your daily activities and being able to vent to you about his will surely show a noticeable 180.

I'm a little confused as to why you bought a house 6 months before he was moving with you? What was the rush?

[G_Main]

@j20a00g

I just felt like only talking about our son and bills would make the conversation boring and business like and wouldnt establish any positive feelings about me. But it would be a 180 I suppose.

We've been planning on moving back to his hometown for years after we both got out of the military. Its a very small town and the rental market is practically non existent. We planned on building our lives here, so there wasnt any reason for us not to buy a house. I had to move out to start fall semester for my nursing program or I wouldnt graduate on time. He wouldnt be able to get out of the military for another six months, so the plan was just for me to move ahead and then he'd join me when he was done. But the same week we closed on the house he told me he wanted a divorce. WHY he let it go that far and actually went through with buying the house, I'll never know.