Ill try to make quick work of the back story. Been married for 7 years, have a two year old, just moved to Arkansas for school and bought a house. Husband is active duty mil and stationed in Maryland until March. The plan was for him to move out here (his hometown) after he got out. The same week we closed on our new house he told me he wanted a divorce.
Its been about a month since he told me he wanted a divorce. He dropped the bomb over the phone. Said he'd been thinking about it for a while but wanted to wait until I got settled before turning my world upside down. (How considerate of him)
Since we are separated because he lives out of state for work at the moment, I'm doing my best to implement 180 techniques from afar. I've lost 30lbs and I'm back down to my skinny-mini wedding size. I post pictures on fb/instagram of all the fun crap I'm doing just so I look busy. I answer his calls sometimes and keep them short. I do have to answer them so he can talk to our two year old. I dont pursue and I booked a trip to Puerto Rico with my best friend in two weeks.
Now, i feel like the 180 is backfiring. I'm struggling with being distant but not cold. Am I supposed to laugh at his jokes and engage him in conversation and just keep it short, or detach, not say much and be aloof? If he's supposed to feel the loss of the divorce before it goes through, I dont know which one would work. Right now I'm distracted and have few words with him and he definitely notices. But he asks me what my problem is. I just act chirpy like I dont know what hes talking about. Am I going about this all wrong? Any tips for DBing from afar?
Married for seven years
1 two-year-old boy
BD: 09/16/2016
Separated in different states due to military/school
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Be sure you are upbeat and happy. It's much better if you truly are upbeat and happy, but if you have to force it, force it, but don't be over-the-top happy.
Detaching is very hard, especially the 1st month, at least it is for me, but I'm trying to get there, i feel like I'm doing good, then I say something or do something to screw it up. Keep working on yourself, and make a better you.
M 40 W 40 S 2.5 Together 13 years Married 11 years BD: 09/23/16 PA, then long Distance EA confirmed 9/30/16 Exposed A to OM's W 10/7/16 A ended 10/10/16
I feel like its back firing because he's not at all intrigued by my sudden detachment. More like he's annoyed. He keeps asking me what my problem is and it makes him angry, which I feel like is pushing him away further. I'm not mean or anything, I just not overly chatty or act like I'm super excited to talk to him like I used to be. Normally when I call or he calls, (since we live in different states this is the only regular contact we have) I tell him all about my day, whats going on, about our son, etc. I ask him about his and so on. Now I dont ask about his. I let him talk and theres awkward silences because I normally fill them. I mean, hes noticing..but is that the way I want him to feel/notice?
Married for seven years
1 two-year-old boy
BD: 09/16/2016
Separated in different states due to military/school
@Nutts, our timelines for this s***show are practically identical.
He started an EA again with the girl (shes NINETEEN) he was talking to last year. She was one of his students. I saw on phone records that they'd been calling each other in the middle of the night and all day long for hours at a time. I confronted both of them about it again last week. She agreed to stop contact and seemed reasonable enough. But on social media, theyre still commenting on each others stuff. It sounds petty and immature, but he just cant let go of her.
Married for seven years
1 two-year-old boy
BD: 09/16/2016
Separated in different states due to military/school
I agree with MrBond - it sounds like you should slow down and read DB or DR.
Originally Posted By: G_Main
I feel like its back firing because he's not at all intrigued by my sudden detachment.
Have you read the thread on detachment? It sounds like you are defining detachment as cutting H out of your life completely. As being distant and keeping to yourself.
That is NOT detachment.
That might help you in the process of becoming detached, but it isnt what detachment is. I believe that detachment is about separating your emotional wellbeing from his words, actions, feelings. Its about getting off of the rollercoaster up and down of his emotional condition.
Originally Posted By: G_Main
More like he's annoyed. He keeps asking me what my problem is and it makes him angry, which I feel like is pushing him away further.
So you equate anger with moving farther away? He keeps asking about you...that sounds like being intrigued to me.
Keep reading and keep posting. Im sorry youre here, but you couldnt have stumbled on a better place.
Also, at what point is a letter acceptable? Or is it ever? If the latter, what is the tone of the letter supposed to be? Tough love?
What kind of letter are you talking about? I would say no to most letters. I wrote my W an 18 page letter less than a month after she left me. About half the letter was good stuff and the other half was me pouring my heart out and kind of blaming her for a lot of the ills of hour marriage. I wrote stuff in the letter I would never dream off writing now because my head wasn't screwed no right then.
I don't think it made a difference to her one way or the other on how she felt about me. She has only briefly mentioned it once in the talks we've had since then.
A couple of months after she left me I wrote her an apology letter from the advice from my DB coach. That letter my W did notice and wrote me back (and called me about it) telling me how much it touched her.
M 55 W 52 MR 32 T 34+ D29 BD May 8, 2016 - She moved out ILYBNILWY May 15 (Through email) No EA/PA August 23 - DB used against me in every way Divorce July 18, 2017 - Life is getting better every day
