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Oluwa Offline OP
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Nothing much too report today as we have both been at work all day and then I got home early to take S17 to Athletics training. So we didn't physically see each other until 7:30pm.

She came out of the MBR to give us food. She talked a little bit about the University induction day she is going to. I listened but didnt act too interested. I then went to do more work to the pool and when I got back in, she was in the TV room watching soccer with S12. I didnt bother going in to watch. Normally I always do, mainly to spend time with her. But I am trying to detach, in my small way...baby steps.

She went to bed, but did tag me on a facebook post about a halloween recipe she saw on a facebook page. We are hosting a Halloween party on Saturday..happy families!!

I slept in Home Theatre on mattress, as is normal for most weekdays, she was sick with hay feaver so I wanted to let her sleep. Its also better for me, if I need to stay up later, so I don't come in the room and wake her up. She has been a very light sleeper for the last 2 years or so, since her hysterectomy mainly. So I do tiptoe round the house and sleep separately especially if she has a very early start.

I spent alot of the day thinking about the marriage and whether I want to keep trying to have some sort of hope, or I should move to separation. I stated earlier in the thread that I would journal and work through the DR book first, as hard as the days are at the moment. (I am beginning to NEED some sort of closure in all of this). I say this, as its already been going on for a very long time, and deterioting rather than improving. Its at least 9 months of active changes for me, although adittedly not structured in the way I hope to follow in the DR book.

I went round the city today to get the DR Book, but was unsuccessful, have emailed my friend to order it online and have it delivered to his house.

I read in the success stories on the DB website, that one person had mentioned about the concept of "backlash", that you need to beware of it, as any time you have a good time with your spouse, the next day they may say "dont think I now love you or want to stay with you after last night". This is textbook what my S has said to me so many times. We go out and have a running race together and have a relaxing weekend cuddling in front of TV, or we go out dancing just the two of us and dance till 1am etc. But on all occasions if we talk about those events afterwards, she will say I still dont love you or I didn't have that good a time.

I hope that these backlash comments are confusion on her part. Because it is very hurtful when we have a great night out only to be told, I didn't enjoy it. Even though she made effort to dance with me, put her arms round me etc. Its so hard to understand how someone can be so seemingly enjoying your company, but then saying they dont want to be in the R anymore. Why does she keep coming back to only the negative view of I don't love you, when we could work on all the positive aspects of our R?


M 46 W 41
MR 17 T 18
S12 D14 S17

03/15 : ILYBINILWY
10/15 : IDLYA
01/16 : "I'm sacrificing to stay in the marriage for the kids!"
10/16 : She discusses Seperation
BUT...she's still here..for now
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Start here and read about the WW's lack of respect and how it kills the loving feelings.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Oluwa Offline OP
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Thanks for this Sandhi, so much of it rings true for how I have behaved.

The thread is about how to deal with a WW, whereas, as far as I know, my wife is still only at WAS level. Am I to continue with some level of detachment, but not as drastically as in the thread.

For example, kicking her out of the MBR, when she is expressing that she doesn't love me, not that she is being unfaithful would seem too drastic.

Again, this is probably my fear coming in, its such a paradigm shift me to take on, but is a WAS approached a little different in terms of level of detachment (if there is such a thing).


M 46 W 41
MR 17 T 18
S12 D14 S17

03/15 : ILYBINILWY
10/15 : IDLYA
01/16 : "I'm sacrificing to stay in the marriage for the kids!"
10/16 : She discusses Seperation
BUT...she's still here..for now
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"I may try to talk about housework etc, but I have done before, and she has said you just have to get on with it that is life."

No it's not. When do you plan to get the DB book? You seem to be mixing up alot of concepts and that's what's getting you confused.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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Oluwa Offline OP
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Thanks Mrbond. My friend just emailed me that they have ordered it today. So hopefully next week sometime I will get the DR book.

With the quote you highlighted I was trying to say that I dont feel doing etc housework etc is the real reason. As although I have done more of those things and she has noticed, it hasn't made much fifference. This is essentially what I have read on sandhis posts that being nicer and more helpful is not going to solve the problem. This I agree with and is why I am trying to understand and start executing DB methods. But yes its alot to take in and I dont have the book yet.


M 46 W 41
MR 17 T 18
S12 D14 S17

03/15 : ILYBINILWY
10/15 : IDLYA
01/16 : "I'm sacrificing to stay in the marriage for the kids!"
10/16 : She discusses Seperation
BUT...she's still here..for now
Joined: Oct 2016
Posts: 62
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Oluwa Offline OP
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Apologies for the bad typing, trying to type on my phone.


M 46 W 41
MR 17 T 18
S12 D14 S17

03/15 : ILYBINILWY
10/15 : IDLYA
01/16 : "I'm sacrificing to stay in the marriage for the kids!"
10/16 : She discusses Seperation
BUT...she's still here..for now
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
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Quote:
For example, kicking her out of the MBR, when she is expressing that she doesn't love me, not that she is being unfaithful would seem too drastic.


Please don't take what I said out of the perspective in which it was written. I said nothing about kicking her out of the bedroom for saying she doesn't love her H.

If my description does not fit your W, then that's fine. But you know, I hope, that she doesn't have to be in an A to classify as wayward. An A, acting like girls gone wild, or some other outrageous/out of character behavior......is the open rebellion to wlhat has been brewing below the surface. The years of resentment and disrespect start sprouting into other problems in the MR, but resentment and disrespect seem to be at the bottom.

If you feel more comfortable believing you ran a good woman off........then get yourself straightened out. Why did you wait so long to seek therapy, if you were left with so much emotional trauma when your mother died?

Anyway, you need to get Divorce Remedy ASAP!


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Quote:
Why did you wait so long to seek therapy, if you were left with so much emotional trauma when your mother died?


Sorry, I got my newcomers mixed. That had been in another's thread.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Originally Posted By: sandi2
Quote:
Why did you wait so long to seek therapy, if you were left with so much emotional trauma when your mother died?


Sorry, I got my newcomers mixed. That had been in another's thread.

Yeah that happens, so many stories repeat over and over it is hard to keep track of them all.

That is another reason to stick to one thread.


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Oluwa Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: sandi2
Please don't take what I said out of the perspective in which it was written. I said nothing about kicking her out of the bedroom for saying she doesn't love her H.


Thanks Sandi, this was the clarification I was seeking. You sent me the link about how a spouse can lose respect for their H, which is very relevant in my case. It discussed how you need to concentrate on being a man, rather than trying to be a good H at this time. But there were alot of suggested actions there, and some of them were definitely only relevant for a wife having an A. You stated : "Therefore, the H's response to those actions should be a much tougher love comparable to a W who is not in an A".

I hope you don't feel I am nitpicking, just trying to understand the level of detachment. The book is ordered and I will hopefully get it early next week.


M 46 W 41
MR 17 T 18
S12 D14 S17

03/15 : ILYBINILWY
10/15 : IDLYA
01/16 : "I'm sacrificing to stay in the marriage for the kids!"
10/16 : She discusses Seperation
BUT...she's still here..for now
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