The Phantom Cyclist - Journey Leg 3

[Sotto]

"I'm an unreformed planner type. I always try to look ahead at what might happen and being more than a bit of the "fix it" type wonder what may be coming that I'll need to deal with."

I understand this....and I'm a recovering 'fixer' too. However, our types aren't set in stone and we can adapt to circumstances. Instead of ruminating forwards, I would encourage to put energy into planning things for you and making things happen for you without your W featuring in them.

Until or unless she initiates something, your life is yours to live and energy spent on her detracts from that. I have been there and know it isn't easy - but that is the way forward I would say.

[Rose888]

Definitely go on the trip. Since this winter is going to be challenging on more fronts than usual, don't miss doing the things that help you get through.

I very strongly urge you to go somewhere different, somewhere you have never been before. Preferably a whole new country.

It will prevent you from doing what you've always done, and since you said you want to be stronger in a new R (whoever it's with), it's important to start practicing.

[Ginger1]

I know you think the things like the will and going to see a divorce lawyer makes her think you've given up. But other actions are very contradictory as in at the same time you tell her to come home and be a family.

"Appearing" like you've given up doesn't draw them back. If you read many of the stories, there may be a point the was looks back. But that's when the lbs has TRULY moved on. Not just little " moves" that might me interpreted that way.

I understand the temptation of trying to be a facebook psychoanalyst. Piecing together all the social media signs, but social media is rarely reflective of what's truly going on.

Take some more time not trying to figure out how she appears on social media or how you appear to her on social media or through google calendars or through your bank account.

when that begins to happen I would truly do the best I could to redirect it

[job]

Andrew,

If you w contacts you in the near future, you may want to say something like this: "w, you are more than welcome to come by and pick up your belongings, especially your fall and winter clothing since it's gotten cooler." If she hems and haws about what she wants, ask her if she would prefer to make a list of what she wants and go from there in packing it up placing the items somewhere safe for her to come get them. Sometimes the word "home" makes them back up and not want to come there. Why? Because it reminds them of their past life, i.e., which was happy one and yes, coming there gives them more guilt to deal with.

If you feel the need to destroy something, write a letter to your w and then burn it. Do not give it to her.

Andrew, hang in there! Don't over analyze the situation. Things are never as they appear to others.

[AndrewP]

Now, what I'm interested in is were those cookies home made or shop bought? I am not a great baker but I remember watching a friend of mine make cookies and thought I had died and gone to heaven when she stared pressing large chunks of milk chocolate into the cookie dough before putting them in the oven. I'm salivating as I write this... :0)

Happy weekend!!

Thanks Coly23! The cookies were indeed shop bought but fresh baked from the shop across the street. Somewhat interesting dynamic there. W worked out of that shop for many years, doing much of the baking in fact. I used to brag to people about how wonderful it was to have a wife that after a long hard day at work would come home smelling of cinnamon rolls The chance came up about 2 or 3 years ago for W to take over as manager in the sister shop the next village over (the one I believe she now lives above). So W's boss is there quite often as are her co-workers and on one memorable occasion last week, W herself (I turned and ran).

In my pre-marriage days I would bake cookies from time to time and it is one of those things I enjoy doing. Being a single guy who is wanting to keep off the weight he lost from the LBS diet I worry a bit about getting back into baking because "portion control" can be difficult when they come fresh out of the oven and there's no-one to share with

I saw another post this morning where Cadet referenced the poster looking for an "easy button" - don't we all wish that such a thing existed. No matter which way my bike turns I think the pedaling will be uphill and bumpy.

I hope you have a great weekend as well. It was snowing a few km to the east of here this morning and is supposed to be a cloudy blustery day although the sun is shining right now. I'll probably use the clothes dryer instead of the line today (the excitement never ends does it!).

Thanks again.

[AndrewP]

Sotto, Rose888, Ginger1 - thanks so much for the visit and the supportive comments. I will indeed not just try but actually work on re-focusing back on myself. Rose - good thought on trying someplace different. It's not "really" different but perhaps I'll go back to Havana - it's an amazing city that W and I visited a number of years ago and for a variety of reasons I never got to explore as much as I wanted to. I'm not really a "beach" kind of guy which is where we used to always go because that was W's wish.

It's funny in some ways - earlier in this journey I was watching W in whatever way I could out of fear. Fear of her going to OM, fear of her filing for D, fear of her finding a new life and never coming back, and yes - fear of her doing a return. A few weeks after she left the house most of that fear left me - perhaps because I became emotionally prepared for most of those events(?) Or more possibly because the continual delays in any sort of action implies that any action on her part may be far in the future still (?) I still have fears yes but in some ways I think I've come to terms with all of the paths that W might take. I have new fears that I need to find the courage to face on the path that lies before me and really appreciate the comments you have made that focus on that part of my future.

Andrew,

If you w contacts you in the near future, you may want to say something like this: "w, you are more than welcome to come by and pick up your belongings, especially your fall and winter clothing since it's gotten cooler." If she hems and haws about what she wants, ask her if she would prefer to make a list of what she wants and go from there in packing it up placing the items somewhere safe for her to come get them. Sometimes the word "home" makes them back up and not want to come there. Why? Because it reminds them of their past life, i.e., which was happy one and yes, coming there gives them more guilt to deal with.

If you feel the need to destroy something, write a letter to your w and then burn it. Do not give it to her.

Andrew, hang in there! Don't over analyze the situation. Things are never as they appear to others.

job - Thank you so much! I was going to ask for a suggestion on what to say. There's a (remote) possibility that at the start of next week that W will do a follow-up to find out about her cookbook. I'm going to work up an "AndrewP" version of this suggestion keeping it as short as possible so that I can have it handy for this sort of eventuality. I hadn't realized before but it makes sense that the word "home" could be threatening to W where before and to me it has always been a word of comfort.

I can easily unlock the front porch door / leave a key to it so that W can enter the house without going past the security system which I believe her to be afraid of. I think there's no reason to go beyond that in accommodating her. Not counting her books still on the bookshelves (a few hundred) and some boxes of childhood and seasonal stuff that is in the cellar there is only really about 2 carloads of stuff left that she could have an obvious claim to. I honestly don't know if she'll ever come back for it while she's still spinning out there on her own stationary bike. She keeps surprising me by her inaction.

Take care everyone. I just ordered myself a new bow tie from Cyberoptix (a fun shop in Detriot found on Etsy) using money from filling out online surveys and coins I rolled. One of my weird quirks is that even though I'm building out my bow tie collection (up to about 15 right now) I do it slowly picking each one carefully and then only using "found money" to purchase. W used to push me to just buy what I wanted but for me it's more fun and rewarding to do it this way.

[AndrewP]

A bit soon but a tad of Journaling.

I went for a lovely hike today (9 1/4km - with a lot of up and down) and really enjoyed being out in nature. I sent D24 a bunch of SnapChats and even a couple to S22.

Lots of great pictures were taken and a fair amount of thinking was done. One thing that surprised me was the realization that "today" what I wanted was for W to marry OM and move on with her life. It would be a whole lot cheaper for me (crass logic I suppose) and give me closure. I do worry about if W and I will be capable even if willing to do the hard work to reconcile or not. This is the main reason for the journal today. I think that this is the first time that I've told myself that a future without W could be a good one. Tomorrow I may feel differently but I think this marks a major shift in my thinking. I'm not sure what I think about this thinking.

I'm getting my Halloween preparations organized. The candy is all bagged and I have a fresh pumpkin. Most people probably don't look at it this way but for me Halloween is is my time to give back to the community for the good fortune I've had through the year. As I told the lady I buy my roses from on Saturday, even though this has been a difficult year, I still have a lot to be thankful for.

For those who've been playing along at home my interactions with the lady who sells me my roses (let's call her RL) as a potential NG are to say the least "delicate". On my side because I don't want to start anything that may not be appropriate especially if W comes back and my concerns about the large (to me) age difference. The flower shop which I believe is family owned is gearing up for their open house and Christmas. RL's mother and I believe sister were there and were involved in the chat about Halloween. RL's mother did a bit of interrogating of me and was rather surprised when I made a point of inviting them to bring S4 to my house on Halloween but "very" open to the idea. I had a private LOL thinking that I'm being inspected and if they do come but suddenly need to go into the house and use the bathroom to count the number of bars of soap in use I don't know if I will be able to control the giggling. They would also see family pictures including W but that should be a surprise to no-one. During the chat it was pretty apparent that RL and her S4 live with her parents and that from the snippy comments from her sister that it's not the most congenial of arrangements. RL took the byplay in good humour though. I believe RL to be in her early 30s.

I also wrote my monthly letter to D24/S22 tonight. Somewhat more upbeat than prior letters I hope. I had actually had a call with D24 earlier in the day which maybe made part of the letter redundant but I promise a monthly letter and a monthly letter is delivered. One thing that surprised me a bit is how supportive D24 is of my efforts to purge / tidy up the house. In the last couple of days I not only cleaned out most of the "junk drawers" but I also managed to finish the main part of the tidy in our dining room. D24 mentioned that this was the first time in her memory (and mine) that there weren't boxes of "stuff" around on the floor. There now is really only the one spare bedroom that has any concentration of W's stuff left in it. I'm really thinking that W hasn't talked at least to D24 in months and probably the same to S22. I make a point of not asking though. Very sad if true. I did mention to the kids in my letter that I did again beg W to come home or to let me know if she needed to be set free and that I had received no answer. I know that many of the people reading this believe that I shouldn't be involving / updating them about this but again - I will have no secrets from family and feel that there's a big difference between adult children and younger ones.

Finally - I think I've figured out the phrasing based on job's comments if W contacts me about her stuff.

W - Did you have a chance to look for that recipe
AndrewP - Nope - it's probably in the front porch. Feel free to have a look yourself when you have a moment
<endit>

Short, to the point and hopefully non-threatening. No pushing her to move her stuff out or pushing in any fashion. Also none of me jumping to her call of "frog".

[pinn]

Not a bad response.... I think I would change the 'nope' to 'haven't had a chance...'

Something about the 'nope' just doesn't come off right to me, comes off as rude I think.

I would also wait to respond for a little bit if this happens.

[AndrewP]

Question time!

Our nephew on W's side who I am quite fond of and his wife are expecting a baby any day now. I've reached out to his mother (SILX2) for a mailing address (surprisingly she didn't have it already) to send a card and perhaps a small gift. I'm "pretty sure" but not positive that the nephew knows that W and I are apart. I did ask SILX2 to tell me if she felt it would be awkward for them to get a card from me or not - no response so presumably she's fine with it. We'll see if I actually get the address. I think that I probably will.

The question is - should I just send a card? Should I (I expect the answer is no) ask W if she's sending a card / gift from both of us? If I send a card should I just write W's name on it too? I could also completely ignore the event and trust that W will recognize it adequately for "us", possibly only on her own behalf.

Which leads into the second part. Historically it's been me that sends out the Christmas cards and most of the people on the Christmas card list have no idea that we are apart including a very dear couple which are the guy who introduced us and his wife - previously W's best friend in the world. We've grown apart living in different areas and W hasn't seen her friend in probably 15 years or more. I would see them from time to time when I go to my office in the city they live in but have made a point of not connecting with them while "all this" is going on.

Originally I was going to send a card just from me but am re-thinking about sending it from both of us to help preserve the quiet that W has around our situation. I would think that the "last" thing that W would need right now is a loud phone call from her past BFF asking WTF which I could see being this person's reaction if she knew we were apart which a card with just my name on it would trigger. Even though it makes me somewhat uncomfortable I'm OK with writing W's name on the cards. Should I tell W? I don't expect W to be sending her own cards out because among other things, she doesn't have the address list.

Thoughts?

Irrelevant and Unnecessary Journal but my "something up's" bump is itching again. It's usually wrong and I read too much into this but unusually W was off of Facebook for pretty much the whole weekend although she was tracking my SnapChat story so she did have internet. Her silence was broken last night with 2 very angry memes - one about hurting a lot and one about that she'll do whatever she wants and not to please other people. Silence then followed. This is in contrast to the old W who would have hit more than a dozen things mostly about going to the beach and family. Other than making my bump itch and a small bit of worry about whether she's OK or not I think I'm fairly detached even if probably not detached enough. My mind-reading / speculating turban started getting itchy even after such a short use so I've taken it off - I suspect it's got some "bugs" in it

I'm having dinner with a very good friend tomorrow night. He's been pushing me "very" hard to just dump W, find someone new and move on. He's also a very good friend who understands that I often don't follow his advice. I'm looking forward to seeing him again. He will probably have an interesting take on my now perhaps moving W into my Plan B list.

[AndrewP]

Not a bad response.... I think I would change the 'nope' to 'haven't had a chance...'

Something about the 'nope' just doesn't come off right to me, comes off as rude I think.

I would also wait to respond for a little bit if this happens.

Thanks pinn. I agree that the "nope" is a bit abrupt. Your alternative suggests that I might actually dig it out for her if only she is patient enough. I'm not going to - her stuff - her problem. Perhaps just "no" instead of "nope".

If she doesn't ask in the next week I would expect that she's dropped it. You are absolutely right though - getting these responses lined up in advance is an excellent plan. She (probably) has a day off on Thursday when I'm out of the house all day and she knows it. On the other hand as time passes I can't help but feel that the odds of her coming back for "any" of her stuff keeps going down. The vets might know better but it falls somewhat into the "it doesn't really matter" category I'm thinking.