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[RBG80]

My OLD thread...

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2711778&page=1

Still making mistakes, still trying!

[Rose888]

Would it help you detach if you knew that detaching is something that's important to do even in healthy marriages? In fact, some therapists feel that becoming emotionally enmeshed in your partner and needing to learn how to break free is a normal stage of marriage.

In other words, don't frame it as, I have to learn to detach because my wife left me. Frame it as, I have to learn to be emotionally self-sufficient because that's a critical skill to have if I want a healthy relationship.

My husband told me a couple of weeks ago that he loves me and is happy we're married. I am still working on detaching, because it is so easy to fallback into old, enmeshed habits. But since I want our new, healthier relationship, I keep working on detaching.

Detaching is for life.

[AndrewP]

Rose - that is excellent advice and so so true.

[RBG80]

Thanks Rose, yes some great advise and I'd love to be able to just detach - The R we had was a co-dependent one and yes I understand that this unhealthy.

I think that the issue that I've been encountering is that I don't know how to stop caring and detachment to me feels like it is going against every instinct I have.

That being said, the venom has resonated within me and I think I've come to realize that there is little hope of any R. And tbh with the spiteful person that was on the other end of the phone yesterday, I'm not sure I want a R with that person...

I'd LOVE to R with my W, but I have no idea where the hell she's gone.

Have I turned a corner and is this progress?...

Thanks all for the ongoing support.

[Rose888]

Are you seeing a counselor? Mine was great for helping me detach.

It really comes down to noticing when you are thinking about her, wondering about her, wanting her there to comfort you, and then deliberately choosing to think about something else.

And doing that over and over and over again.

GAL helps with this by giving you something else to focus on.

And yes, it's a 180 for you, so it will feel like going against instinct.

That's what you want.

[RBG80]

I am seeing a Relate Councillor however have only had one session (2nd one tomorrow).

I'm struggling with the GAL as we'd been together since I was 17 and I was all consumed with my family life (W & S). I don't really have any interests or hobbies which makes things even more difficult. I know that I need to try and find something.

Like most guys, I am throwing myself in to the gym when I don't have my S (however this is neither an interest or a hobby lol).

I do feel that things have gone a little too far now. The heartlessness that she displayed yesterday has really hurt me and shown a side to her that I don't want to be a part of.

Her attitude confuses me, I'd have thought that as someone who walked away from a non abusive or affair ridden M might show a little more compassion to someone who they'd shared a life with for so long - but apparently not. Guess this at least shows me what type of person she's become.

[Rose888]

Have you done any reading on pursuit and distance?

Were you by any chance pursuing your wife at the time she was being heartless?

If someone you are not interested in persists in pursuing you, you tend to feel disgust, not pity.

I encourage you to finding one hing you can do this week that isn't the gym. Bonus points if it's something you've never done before.

Then, once you've found it, actually do it.

[RBG80]

I haven't Rose, I've been concentrating on much other stuff that I just don't know where to start. Obviously this may be the best place.

YES!!! Spot on, my W has refused to talk with me about this for the last 7 weeks. I am trying to give her space, but clearly failing.

I do have a couple of ideas (was thinking about a language). I'll let you all know how I get on and challenge accepted Rose.

Thanks for your attention and support.

[RBG80]

Done some reading on Pursuit and Distance in relationships - WOW, when you read something that sums up your entire R!!!

Will still dig deeper as I've found the initial outline and how matters can affect the R when the pursuer (Moi) goes into hyper-mode. I guess the only thing that I can do now is turn around (but doubt that roles will reverse) - do feel that I may already be too late.

Now that I can see this, coupled with yesterday's realization that the person I'm trying to get back is no longer my W, I hope that this will help me turn a corner.

[sandi2]

Yep, actually reading those links are helpful. Unfortunately, a lot of newcomers pass them over.

Did you read that short version I posted on your last thread about detaching?

RBG, you must stop thinking and behaving like a victim. You are a man. Perhaps you lost part of your manliness in this enmeshed relationship at such a young age. Roles can change. Yours would need to start, first, by changing yourself. A woman is, usually, the natural responder to her H. However, if he becomes passive, codependent, controlling, or fails to lead........then his W loses respect for him and she moves into the traditional role of the H, while he takes on the traditional role of the W. Neither of them are at their best in reverse-role behaviors.

Stop fretting over your W, and find yourself as a man. Get healthy, physically and mentally. This M will turn around, or you will be much, much better in a new one. The cheapest thing you can get, is a new attitude. Ready to sign up for one? Then stick around.