Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 7 of 11 1 2 5 6 7 8 9 10 11
Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 1,091
J
J5K Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 1,091
Originally Posted By: Georgia Bulldogs
Think of it this way....

Is is controlling to try to make your ex-wife collaborate with you?

She has no interest in real or meaningful collaboration. Anything you suggest or offer she has to filter through her own wayward self-entitled abusive head and how it will effect HER and HER relationship with OM#4,5, 6 or 7.


Agree 100%

Originally Posted By: Georgia Bulldogs

Parallel parenting will enable you to truly drop the rope and, LOVINGLY, allow her to hit rock bottom someday and recognize you really truly love and care for her children, you moved to Toronto for the kids only, you aren't trying to control her and she was a fool to leave you.


Yes, and this is a potentially years down the road.

Originally Posted By: Georgia Bulldogs

Just google parallel parenting and read up on it. There are many professionals that feel it is the better way to go in high conflict divorce/custody cases.


I did research a few apps before. Will review again and propose to STBX to use one of these in the future.

Originally Posted By: Georgia Bulldogs

If your wife STAYS on her wayward path, you may very well want to move back to Michigan in a few years and make her vacation mom. The "mom" you once knew her to be would be forever gone and your kids would probably be better off NOT in her destuctive emotionally abusive mindset and lifestyle on a daily or even weekly basis. It may come to having to protect your children from her (and the men she brings into her life - - men who chase after women with young boys they can abuse).


This concerns me the most. xW has stated that she does not want our children using guns for hunting or riding motorcycles yet she is now dating a police officer who has his own personal motorcycle. She is at the peak of rebellion.

I agree with your last paragraph. I will take it day by day and see how it goes.

Thank you again GB!


H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6
S-9,8,8,6,4
S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15
EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16
PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16
XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16
Finally moving forward...
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 449
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 449
She's going to come and watch them at YOUR RESIDENCE.

That'll never work.

For now and maybe for a year or two - parallel parenting --- I'd go there and set up exactly what you would have done in Michigan. The only thing your moving there helps with is that she'll actually be able to take her "visitation" time with the kids, have a real relationship with them and the kids won't have to go 10 hours back and forth across the Blue Water Bridge. Other than that - it's all on her.

If she BEGS to let her take care of the kids during the day instead of daycare or whatever, THEN, maybe (through a third party negotiator) you come to a solution whereby you drop the kids off at Grandma's or some other third parties house and she can pick them up and spend time with them or watch them there for the day. Such access would be conditional upon her adopting and adhering to your boundaries - which, for now, include Parallel Parenting guidelines in High Conflict divorces.

Don't give up your overnights. Ever. And for at least one year, do not trade or ask her to help you with custody time. Make other arrangements.

You never lay eyes on your ex-wife. It's too hurtful and you'll be trying to take her temperature all the time.

If, by chance, she wants to reconcile, she'll need to communicate that appropriate and do not take the bait unless and until she has made solid agreements on "no contact" with any of her OM's and agree to work a marital recovery program. Don't move her in or let her stay over and mess up the kids more by giving them fake hope. Ask your lawyers how she might go about trying to fool you into a fake recovery only to find yourself in a Canadian court fighting for custody yourself in a matter of months, weeks or just one year.

You MAY very well get blow back. A lot of courts and uninformed persons are motivated to punish you for seemingly NOT co-parenting and coming to table again and again to "collaborate" as though YOU are the problem. They'll say things like "you need to be the bigger person" or "you should co-parent 'for the kids'". Parallel Custody IS co-parenting and IS the recommended plans in your situation. Learn the programs in and out so you can defend yourself from the 'do gooders" who just don't understand and feel compelled to criticize you. Even teachers might try this and refuse to do separate conferences or whatever. In addition, I'd expect your ex-wife to try to take that road too as she charts a path herself to attempt to win back partial or more custody herself someday. She''ll resist parallel parenting (mostly because it cuts off her ability to criticize, control and blame you). But that's where parallel parenting really works best. All the sudden in a year or two of distance, you'll be healed and healthy having moved on with your life and she'll be pushing for "collaborative co-parenting" thinking she's winning some long term war for the hearts, minds and physical custody of your kids. At that time, "collaboration" becomes a heck of a lot easier for everyone.

OR she stays an evil wayward witch and you just move back to Michigan in 3 years under the current custody deal....she'll not have the money to use her monthly visitation so she'll just be stuck being summer vacation mom. She'll end up 3 years behind on her child support and she'll never be able to even file a motion for modification in Michigan until she pays up.

I'd caution you to not multiply your complications by getting overly involved with a new woman in Toronto. Be up front with anyone you may date that you will probably move back to Michigan when your "assignment" is up. Also, your children should be aware as well telling them this is just a rare and timely temporary assignment that works out with the divorce nicely since mom lives in Toronto. But you're still a US citizen and your family is in Michigan and you'll probably all have to move back to Michigan in 3 years and mom will hopefully come too but probably not and that would be her choice. Then in 3 years, when your ex-wife surely will try to make it seem like you are stealing her kids away from her, your kids will already know it wasn't ever permanent and will have known all along it was going to happen. If you STAY (or extend the 'temporary" assignment longer) - everyone celebrates versus that just being what's expected.

Another reason to resist entanglements with any women for a few years is because you've got 5 kids who have one parent so wrapped up in themselves and their boyfriends that having another wrapped up in them might be a nice counterbalance. If you end up dating, don't involve your kids for a long long time.

eirene


The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 1,091
J
J5K Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 1,091
GB,

This is a great suggestion and what I plan to execute. Thank you again.

Last night xW calls while we were at a cousin's birthday party. I did not pick up the phone. She followed up with a text which I saw later and then tried to call multiple times on both my personal and work phone while I was driving home. Boys were asleep in the car. When we arrived home I put them straight to bed.

xW texts this morning saying it has been 12 hours and I have not responded to her texts messages.

I responded with the following email back to her as soon as I had time today.

Hello xW,

It must be very frustrating that I have not responded to your texts to speak with the boys.

We had a lot going on this weekend. Birthday party and they fell asleep in the car.

I suggest we schedule some set times for you to call and speak with them. Please advise on what you feel would be some appropriate days and times.

I also feel it is not OK to call my work phone anymore unless it has to do directly with the boys when they are spending time with you and it is an emergency.

Did I do alright?


H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6
S-9,8,8,6,4
S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15
EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16
PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16
XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16
Finally moving forward...
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,450
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,450
Great suggestions from GB.

How would you have reacted if you called to talk to kids and she didn't answer for 12 hours?

I think validating how she feels when you were the one who didn't answer, is a little weird. Why didn't you just send her a text much earlier? Or let her know up front that you would be busy?


M 16 yrs, WH62, P54
3 adult blended kids
EA 11/13, BD1 6/14
PA fall 14, BD2 2/15
Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15
Separated 4/16
WH moved OW in 5/16
Divorced 6/15/17
Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 1,091
J
J5K Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 1,091
Originally Posted By: Painter
Great suggestions from GB.

How would you have reacted if you called to talk to kids and she didn't answer for 12 hours?


Probably would have felt the same as her, but adding sleep in there (which I fell asleep early also) and having 5 kids to take care of and get to school in the morning doesn't leave a whole lot of free time. Do I need to explain myself that I fell asleep early to xW?

I have been going non stop and had a lot to do. My intent was not to ignore or dismiss her text. Just did not get to it until then. (Based on the advice of the DB coach, as long as I am not doing it intentionally then that is OK whether she agrees or not).


Originally Posted By: Painter

I think validating how she feels when you were the one who didn't answer, is a little weird. Why didn't you just send her a text much earlier? Or let her know up front that you would be busy?


I answered via email to the text she sent me this morning as soon as I could.

She randomly calls when she feels it is appropriate for her. In the past I have been consistent and have always given her a heads up that I would like to speak with the boys at a certain time.

For me, she cannot just pop up when she feels like it just because she has free time in her schedule.


H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6
S-9,8,8,6,4
S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15
EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16
PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16
XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16
Finally moving forward...
Joined: Mar 2016
Posts: 1,732
S
SH_ Offline
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Mar 2016
Posts: 1,732
Originally Posted By: JimKao
Did I do alright?


Originally Posted By: JimKao
Originally Posted By: Painter
Great suggestions from GB.

How would you have reacted if you called to talk to kids and she didn't answer for 12 hours?


Probably would have felt the same as her, but adding sleep in there (which I fell asleep early also) and having 5 kids to take care of and get to school in the morning doesn't leave a whole lot of free time. Do I need to explain myself that I fell asleep early to xW?

I have been going non stop and had a lot to do. My intent was not to ignore or dismiss her text. Just did not get to it until then. (Based on the advice of the DB coach, as long as I am not doing it intentionally then that is OK whether she agrees or not).


Originally Posted By: Painter

I think validating how she feels when you were the one who didn't answer, is a little weird. Why didn't you just send her a text much earlier? Or let her know up front that you would be busy?


I answered via email to the text she sent me this morning as soon as I could.

She randomly calls when she feels it is appropriate for her. In the past I have been consistent and have always given her a heads up that I would like to speak with the boys at a certain time.

For me, she cannot just pop up when she feels like it just because she has free time in her schedule.


JK,

I would like to know what it is you are looking for here in this community.
From your earliest posts to this most recent one you ask for advice and then basically justify why what you do or think is right and why the advice you have been given is not.

Do you know the term "Askhole"?
If not look it up.
It is meant to be funny...but only because it is so true for many.

I really hope everything turns out well for your boys and I pray you are able to step back one day and look in the mirror and see things in a different light.
Much wisdom and encouragement here in this community and yes there are many opinions, but often when one looks outside themself and into the consistent patterns in advice and information, often there lies truth and sound principles...

Self awareness and sound principles are powerful things.

Good luck brother.
Your boys deserve nothing less than truth and sound principles in their lives. Be the one to provide that for them and you will find blessing beyond what could be imagined.


Me 46 Former W 46
D19 D7
BD Feb 2016
WAW moves out 4/16/16
D final 6/1/2017

It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
V
Member
Offline
Member
V
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
Jim

Looks OK to me.

You can text, respond later to WW, set up a Pavlov saved text message for quick use.

I sense you are overburdened with 5 boys and just being a dad who stands is fine in my book.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 1,091
J
J5K Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 1,091
SH,

Just trying to work on myself to ensure I am staying positive. Always open to new perspectives or approaches.

V,

Yes, need to set up a quick response on the phone when she calls and we are busy.

It was a busy week. Running around to get clothes and baptismal dresses for the little girl I am baptizing this Sunday. Had a lot to catch up on since there was a little more on my plate this weekend than normal.


I bought the LRT videos from MWD. It says although hard to do when S has an affair, you should still try and do family things together.

Probably not a good idea for me at this point since I still wear my heart on my sleeve. I do not think I have the strength to fake it. Sticking to the NC for now and will do my best to be friendly and upbeat on the phone.

Baby steps.


H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6
S-9,8,8,6,4
S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15
EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16
PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16
XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16
Finally moving forward...
Joined: May 2016
Posts: 791
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: May 2016
Posts: 791
I think you're doing okay. I am amazed at how hard you are working with 5 boys and working and and and...

I get it, truly I do. I think creating a healthy boundary of specific times when WW calls to talk to the boys is a good idea. This isn't control but rather a way to facilitate communication between her and her children. I think you validated well and came up with a solution based answer to a re-occurring problem.


M 10yrs T 13yrs
BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW
BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off
Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce
April '17-Letting go
2018 D busted
DD8, DS6, DS3
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 449
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 449
The oldest is only 7 so it gets pretty hard to manage this but MAYBE if you can afford it add a cheap home phone or get a cell phone line for the kids to share and communicate with mom. The "mom phone". She can text and leave messages for the kids and they can call her on it and you can give each child the opportunity to call her when you tuck them in at night (be sure to put a tracker or something on it so you can locate it in your house as the young ones will walk off and put it who knows where.

Then you communicate to your wife that you are looking to facilitate and ease communications between her and the 5 boys but you are not necessarily responsible for making it always happen. If it works, the cell phone could even travel with them to mom's someday and be YOUR method of communication circumnavigating your wife.

You merely provide the means of communication. You aren't responsible if your STBXW simply refuses to use it. Contacting you should be for emergencies only. Any other call or text message to your phone gets ZERO response from you.

So running around with the kids and the "mom phone" rings, you hand it to a kid and they answer and talk or not. If it goes to voice mail, you let her know you will play if for the kids later (so she's not yelling or complaining to you since it will be played for the kids without prescreening it). Put her on speed dial and hit send when you tuck a child in and they either get her or her voicemail and leave her a message. It's a good time for the kids to talk too as they settle in and are less distracted by friends, brothers, toys, electronics and playing.

Eventually the oldest child becomes in charge of the phone and can use it himself as long as he handles the "mom call" stuff????

Don't know if that's right but certainly beats all the mental anguish you're going through now trying to take care of 5 boys by yourself while validating and managing the feelings of your abandoing anger bitter STBXW that should be there helping, not making things more difficult for you.

You teach people how to treat you and she has absolutely no respect for you right now. I'd estimate your attempts at "validation" are just super annoying to her right now. She probably just thinks it's a sarcastic mocking part of your game of manipulation and control. When you are this far along in a high conflict divorce, there is nothing authentic appearing about "validating" your adversary. If and when you two are actually respectively communicating in a trusting manner, validation might help foster some understanding between the two of you. It's a decent listening technique but I don't see it as very attractive the way you appear to be using it. She hates you right now because you didn't give princess everything her entitled little wayward heart desired. You validating her right now just angers and confuses her. IMO, you are better off yourself emotionally disengaging.


The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
Page 7 of 11 1 2 5 6 7 8 9 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard