New LBH with WAW/Possibly WW, help Part 2

[Georgia Bulldogs]

I do plan on throwing some nice comments to her now and then, see how she reacts (you look nice today, I like that dress, etc.). Would that be OK, or still keep away from that?

Seeing how she reacts might be noticeable and make you appear dorky, manipulative, dishonest, desperate and needy. It might make her feel like you are waiting for a reciprocal response from her.

That being said, back handed off the cuff genuine authentic sincere compliments are ok. Being a bit flirty even but not in a pursing manner.

An example: You authentically notice she looks hot "Hey, do you mind not doing that (pointing up and down at her), it might help this whole process if you could ugly it up for a few months instead of looking so hot". Then walk away. Don't watch to SEE how she reacts. Her reaction doesn't matter. Her reaction only indicates her then immediate emotions and feelings. Long term it's insignificant and your "compliments" sound much more sincere and genuine if SHE SEES there are no expectations or wants behind it.

Maybe other example would/could be:

"I'm just cleaning up my side of the street here a bit and I wanted you to know that though I never said it much, I've always appreciated how you went out of your way to look good for me over the years, I've always thought of you as the most beautiful girl in the world that I was lucky to have, but I know I did an awful job of telling you that enough and showing you that's how I felt - you're hot - sorry if that bothers you to hear now but I had to make that known, in no uncertain terms"

"Maybe it's just a passing thing because I'm otherwise so upset with you, but you are more attractive now than ever before in our entire relationship. Maybe you are right, I'm thinking that now because I'm just trying to "keep you" but it's how I FEEL and FEELINGS are important" (this is really tricky advance game theory stuff - because FEELINGS aren't real - our thoughts and choices become our actions and our actions direct our feelings - "feelings" change but way wards live by their "feelings" first so jumping into the "feelings" boat with her might be lead to interesting discussions - but you AGREE with her that your feelings might be lying and manipulative - an attempt to control her and not be genuine and then ask HER to explain that to you in a very casual non-committed manner - you don't force such relationship talks and let HER talk and be the expert on "feelings" and living on "feelings" alone).

"You are IMPOSSIBLY - [laughing] I refuse to let you divorce me looking so hot. I need to get out of here, maybe take a cold shower or jump in a lake" - then actually LEAVE...it's a compliment while walking out the door. don't discuss it or dwell on it. Don't let her tell you it's inappropriate or makes her uncomfortable. She might not like it because it simply makes her feel guilty for KNOWING she has to divorce you. You don't want her to feel uncomfortable so hit and run and let her deal with her own FEELINGS on the matter (which will be all over the place).

While you are going out all the time - make sure you are looking good and smelling different. New cologne - new shower gel. When you walk by your wife you want your old smell (which has negative connotations to her) to be drowned out by some new smell (hopefully associated with a new more tailored and clean cut MAN that cares about the way he looks and smells). Hopefully you put enough on that the smell association lingers even after you've left the house (giving her the backward compliment).

Also - be careful out drinking. Betrayed husband's are emotional basket cases that emotionally troubled desperate women LOVE to snag and rescue like a abandoned abused puppy at the kill shelter. Last thing your family needs is TWO wayward parents and it doesn't take much to head down the path. Don't over share with any girls/women...just go have fun and GAL while being appropriate. You remain a married man.

[j20a00g]

I still think you are looking at this as a sprint and not a marathon. Your BD date wasn't even 30 days ago and you are "planning" to test water again with compliments? What is the purpose? What are you hoping to gain from it? Maybe I'm wrong but, it seems like you are treating the situation as if it's just a little spat and not the seriousness that it really is. You are living it so you obv know more but, your wife has told you in no uncertain terms that she's wants to leave you. She was/is having a PA/EA. She has made it clear what her intentions are. Yet you are "planning" to compliment her?

[nutts]

Updates:
Everything had been going pretty well the last few days. Friday night, after putting S to bed, we watched some programs together, then went our separate ways before bed.

Saturday, I went to beerfest with friends, had a blast, came home, and chilled for a while. The W went out with some friends, including a mutual friend's W who is somewhat Wayward herself, and they got to talking, and it kind of seemed to empower both of them to push more towards D.

Sunday around 11:00am, I asked W to help me shop for some new clothes (I'm fashion blind, and I know W loves to shop). We had a good time, good interactions. I was sitting next to her, she said she had a massage Saturday, and I mentioned, if you ever want your neck, sholders, or boobs massaged, just let me know, she kind of smiled and said "stop" in a joking manner. I even got a big hug from her afterwards, and it felt really good.

Then comes the evening. W had been out with a friend, and she asks if I want to eat, I say yes, and we go to Chinese. However, I can tell she's in a bad mood (I think her period is about to start too). As we eat, she starts pressing me on moving towards D, getting my finances in order, her moving out, how uncomfortable it is living in the same house, she has anxiety from it, etc.

I try to deflect, but she keeps telling me to stop putting it off, I need to do this. It really wasn't good. I agreed to look into what to do about one of my 401K's (I can probably roll it into an IRA I have, which I had been thinking of doing anyway). She had said earlier she only has a list of lawyers, and, me being cautious, I said later, "Look, talk to your lawyer and see what they say about this." and she said, agitatiedly, "I don't have a lawyer, I'm trying to keep this amicable!"

Anyway, I took it all in stride, I didn't do any begging or pleading, but, during our convos, she says, "You're trying to keep me in the house in some kind of hope we're going to get back together; we're not, it's over." I understand this is normal, and I said, "you believe feelings can't change back, but they can, and it happens to people all the time." I'm a little worried that I'm showing her too much how I wants this M to succeed.

That's where I am. I really felt good after Sunday morning, but I wonder if, she might have started to have some feelings again, and quickly revolted against them. Plus, if it's PMS, that's going to add to it as she does get moody during that time period.

Oh, and j20a00g, you're right, I was trying to get this resolved ASAP, and I need to look more long term. Thank you for the reminder.

[nutts]

Two more things I forgot to mention:
#1, she's going to "dinner with friends" (as her text put it) tonight. Yesterday, I asked about the dinner while we were shopping (everyone was in a good mood), and she said it's a guy friend; then she said, "He's married, but I know that doesn't mean anything to you." and I replied, no, it doesn't..I did ask if I knew him, she said no.

So, I'm dealing with that, nothing I can do about it, but suck it up I guess.

Also, I think I'm going to take my wedding ring off. She has hers off, and me keeping mine on would just reinforce that she still "has" me (as Sandi might put it).

Thanks.

[MoveFrwd]

She has hers off, and me keeping mine on would just reinforce that she still "has" me (as Sandi might put it).

Kind of curious, but you do what you think is best for you.

In my opinion, my ring was a reminder of the vows that I took. It was not a symbol of ownership or servitude.

I wore my ring for me as a choice about what I believed in.

I think if you are gauging your reaction on what WW may or may not think, you are wasting your time.

[nutts]

She has hers off, and me keeping mine on would just reinforce that she still "has" me (as Sandi might put it).

Kind of curious, but you do what you think is best for you.

In my opinion, my ring was a reminder of the vows that I took. It was not a symbol of ownership or servitude.

I wore my ring for me as a choice about what I believed in.

I think if you are gauging your reaction on what WW may or may not think, you are wasting your time.

I think, as part of my detachment, the ring should come off. I think having it on is a reminder of her all the time.

It's not an easy choice, but I know I've got to detach better, and I've done a poor job up to now. I think it's something to remind me to stay detached.

I don't really hold the ring up in any spiritual or sacred place, and, I know GB wants me to keep it on, but I don't think I can. Whether W notes or not, I don't think it matters right now.

[Georgia Bulldogs]

It's your life. Take the ring off. I just want to keep delaying the actual separation/divorce stuff as long as possible. Maybe having the ring off is a good defense to you seemingly not getting it. When she accuses you of trying, you just say "I took my ring off- I understand you are divorcing me". But then still drag your feet and don't enable her to actually accomplish anything towards that goal. When push comes to shove you just disagree that divorce/separation are the best avenue FOR YOU. She's free to have a different opinion and pack up and leave should she want. Your opinion is just as valid as hers and you can calmly agree to disagree.

Your not begging her to stay just being completely disinterested, unavailable and unhelpful with regards to helping her actually leave. She wants divorce - it's ALL on her.

Again...don't go there until you have to. Feign cooperation for now and try to get her to delay until after the holidays. Give son a Christmas he may remember. Pretend you'll be more helpful in January then, in January, change your mind based upon the research you've done.

Maybe having the ring off will end up helping???? Just don't point it out to her (unless it comes in handy like above) or hope she notices.

[j20a00g]

Dude.......cmon! I know you have read DR. Now apply it!

You are all over the place and gal right into the R discussion "traps". Inviting her out to get new clothes? Really? Go on to five four club or any other clothing retailer and they will send you clothes. Talking about boob massages. You really appear to be needy and clingy no offense. Think about why she said she isn't and can't live in the same house. I guarantee these are some reasons.

Also, how are you privy to hers and the other girls convo when she went out the other night?

And why are you asking about the dinner with a friend? You even went a step further to validate your lack of trust in her by agreeing with her jab of him being married not mattering to you.

Trust me. I'm asking retorically. I know why. Don't do what feels right! Do what works or you have no chance at all. In some aspects you are out GAL but then you go home and it sounds like you try to act as if all is well. Dinner invites, shopping invites, asking for sex, asking to touch, asking where she's going and with who, watching shows as usual, etc.

As far as 401ks...worry about that when/if the time comes during either legal separation(if your state offers that) or divorce. For her to move out you don't need anything with your 401k. I can't stress enough that you aren't giving her space which is why she is pushing harder to run! Look at yourselves as opposite sides of a magnet. Closer you get she pushes away. Until she flips to the other side and comes to you. Back the eff off! I sure wish I had way sooner. Learn from all the other posters's mistakes and don't make them yourself! It's not one event that will make or break the M. But it's death by 1000 papercuts. /!: it seems as if every week you do about 10 papercuts and at some point she's gonna bleed out bro.

I'm really pulling for you! For all of us! You seem like an amazing dad (which to me is the most important thing) but stop reading about success and tips and start applying them before you lose the chance.

[nutts]

ok, I just had an awful night. it's 1:15am and my W just got home from her dinner with this guy. I. couldnt sleep, so I'm awake when she comes in. I don't ask her anything, and she just asks about our S. I think she expected me to ask her about tonight, but I didn't, but I wanted to.

however, unless she told me they had dinner then wild sex in this guy's hotel, I wouldn't have believed her, so what's the point? I'm [censored] hurt right now, and I feel like a rug being given walked onot, but I'm going to GAL myself, and try my damndest to not gt wrapped up in her. she's pissed me off, and I have anger built up.

I need to make sure I'm ok in the morning too, not blow up or anything like that.

I guess the only good thing is I'm pretty sure this guy lives out of town, and he's married too, so this may not be an open thing.

j20a that KS for the words again. I guess I felt there was good stuff going on with us, and I tried to go too fast. I think I get it now, and I'm going to work on it, but fook me it's hard.

good night all

[j20a00g]

You are filling your brain with OM thoughts and it's clouding your good judgement. Again, just like the other guy, A's are symptoms. Try having a cold without a runny nose. Until the main issues are fixed, A's will continue. Like you said, it didnt matter if she told you she had wild hotel sex or not. IT DOESNT CHANGE A THING! Stay the course! Next time be "asleep" when she gets home. Or, as she's walking in the door, walk out without saying a word. Hold your tongue. A few words can set you back weeks.