Cherry. He's gone, but the drama has not

[Surfer]

Also. If he's 'popping' by every now and then, it might be worth telling him you need notice. You have a life now and may be busy. Perhaps put a positive slant on it - for you it gives you time to make sure you are looking and smelling your best. For him you are definitely around as is your S.

I would watch how much time he spends with you and S also. I bet it will be 95% you. Which I guess he is coming back to see you - even if he is checking up. I am not an expert on temp checking at all so I will have a read up on that. I know what it is but I wonder if there is anything that helps them (rather than hindering three) to see the best version of you during each temp check or whether they temp checking is best avoided. IDK hopefully someone else has more experience in what works here and will chime in.

Surfer.

[Cherry]

Surfer you are right re the control. I'm afraid he surrendered the right to that when he left and fired me as his wife. I don't have 6 months, just shy of really. It'll be until I deliver, so about 4. He did another surprise visit. I was busy, I had put s down to sleep and was sorting papers. He came in to see me, starts making chit chat with me, asking how I was. I was friendly enough (feels a bit of an act right now). I heard him go in another room, he got a call- I could tell from the way he was speaking and the tone in his voice he was speaking to a female, he then quietly says hang on in a minute, mutes his phone and comes in. I couldn't hold it in, and I said you're on the phone to a woman, he denied it (no anger) I said I know how you speak to girls, and again he denied it. And then left. Everything is still a bit raw, so yes I am hurting at his disrespect, I also felt like taking his keys from him. Right now, I would sooner not see him. It's too painful!

[Surfer]

Cherry,

Why do you have 4 - I am confused?!

You could always be a bit slow etc in any event. Not much point I guess though. I guess I am saying you can stretch these things out but it does seem rather pointless.

Why does he keep coming round? Is he picking something up? How long does he stay? Can't you ask him to pre-arrange his visits? He's getting his own space but not giving you yours. It seems controlling again. IDK - its hard to light the way home etc when he seems just to be blatantly disregarding your space. Mmmmm. Perhaps the best thing is to 'act as if [he is a nosey neighbour]. The reason being he might get off on you reacting and try to cause an argument and you may snap so don't get involved emotionally; I guess observe him going forward but keep your cool. Don't let him wind you up. If he picks up the phone to OW when you are around you know he/she are trying to get to you through disrespect/goading. Either way don't rise to it.

Or tell him yes come round, arrange a time. Make sure you are focused or out (preferably) - might be good to see how he reacts if you are out and only you MIL is around....? Could try being around and on the phone to another man! It would flick his switch, only joking - why bother? It feels like manipulation rather than observing as such.

Going dark, avoiding all contact and being out when he calls round I think. Play it all safe and stay away from him for a while.

Back to focusing on you. Just put him to one side in your life for now. Did you speak to EAP or IC?

Surfer.

[Surfer]

I'm afraid he surrendered the right to that when he left and fired me

I can get where you are coming from. However is it healthy to be controlled by your W or H? I think you have capacity to feel you are not worthy at times, perhaps you like a dominant man IDK, perhaps you feel a bit less than worthy of kind behaviour......but control is not healthy in my view. We all have been victims to it on here - to some degree. But it's good if you recognise that because now - you can tell him the new boundaries.

I.e....

You chose to leave this house. Whilst it's still here there are now some boundaries as I am the man of the house. You have your life and I respect that. Please call before you turn up. If you turn up you might not be welcome. I might have guests etc...

I am not sure what kind of boundaries you need but moving out is a game changer and it gives you lots of time to straighten your mind and work out some 180's - such as.

"Look sorry, this feels controlling. I am not saying it is, but I am saying it feels that way. Please don't get confused, I am afraid it's not for me this way of behaving/communicating. Perhaps you have other friends you can do this with, people that will accept it? IDK.... I live here with my S, you are divorcing me. You don't need me for that and I neither want or respect it. Please don't attempt that again, it will result in me exiting any communication. I trust I am being clear."

Be confident and strong. But let him know he changed the game and here are the new rules (consequences). Don't be putative - a fine line - but do let him know the consequences of his actions.

Before you get involved in this though. Get some space from hi for at least 2-3 days if you can. Set your head straight Cherry. Then move forward.

Does that help?

Surfer.

[Cadet]

new thread

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2711843#Post2711843