Cherry. He's gone, but the drama has not

[Surfer]

Cherry

I know it's hard when you want him to focus on you - when he dealing with MIL. We all crave love, it's very, very normal. Abnormality would be the opposite.

For now it might be good to see this as a gift. You are getting time apart and your MIL will be dealing by with him for you - almost riding the roller coaster for you!

I see this as good. You can focus on you. Time apart might well give him space to get his head straight and talking to his MIL will help with that I expect. Try not to overthink the rejection aspects of this sitch. It's normal to but there is no point thinking about that as he as the WS right now and it will take time if he is ever going to be able to make the shift back. Space is important for you right now. It's a gift to help you.

Be the lighthouse - stable, independent always there and reliable.

You will hopefully start to feel a sense of relief Soon. It should bring some much needed calm into your life.

Surfer.

[JksD]

You're handling this with class and style, Cherry.

Hope you're getting the rest you need.

[Cherry]

Grl, that's a very wise and accurate way to think of it actually. I think I feel guilty because he IS her son, she's seeing a psychologist who advises that this may help him as she thinks that maybe as an only child, he became a bit jealous he lost his mom. Either way, he must see our home as a place of calm, as he will come by when we are in. I shall just busy myself but be polite.

I'm forcing myself to go out and see friends and family and lean on them for support. I'm known to be a lone fighter, but this had led to me feeling like I'm bottling anything. I have people around me I can talk about things with, and then my bf, who is like a sister to me, she is there in the good times and bad, and we can talk to one another about anything and everything and it's stored in a safe place. She supports me and gives me a telling where needed, and genuinely cares for me. She also has supported my fight for my family and shares a lot of my values. She had been amazing!

[Vanilla]

You know this guy is a predator?

Mustardseed had this as did V.

Jerk wads.

V

[Cherry]

Well V, this predator picked the wrong prey! He got a big ol' bye Felicia from me!

Wh came over to mine whilst I was out to do some laundry (he asked mil first). When I pulled up he was leaving, he came in to see S . I was friendly l towards him, treated him like a neighbour. He helped me bring groceries in and asked if I wanted help to put it away (he hasn't done this in about a year). I also noticed while he had been he had done some housework for me (vacuumed throughout, mopped etc) this is something that only I have always done in the house. I let him spend some time with S whilst I sorted a few things, he didn't stay long, but came up to say goodbye to me. After he left, I just sent him a simple text to thank him for doing the chores as it had saved me some jobs to do. He replied back straight away saying that's okay, and he will still try to be of use for some things.

I shall not read into things, maybe this is our new kind of r. But his LL is acts of service, and he previously said to me, that he shows his love towards me by doing things to help me. Whereas I am more touch/words. Either way, even through the sadness- this has been a much better weekend than last weekend

[Surfer]

Glad to hear that it's been better it will continue to improve now Cherry you will get bits of sadness but separation does help in the shorter term. You need to use this time to make small kind improvements in interaction.

You are Already doing this.

Surfer.

[JksD]

The good news is that he's not being a jerk. That's an improvement from his previous behaviour. He may be feeling guilt because of his crazy behaviour.

You did great to be cordial to him. Note this small positive and file it away. Now that you can be consistently cordial towards him regardless of his behaviour, don't let the changes in his behaviour sway your course.

If he spews and gets nasty again, stay on even keel, validate if possible. If not, zip the lips unless you have to set firm boundaries and try to get out of the sitch asap.

If he's nice, match his brightness. If he is consistently nice, then go just a teeny little bit brighter and see what happens.
We're looking for long- term trends here.

[Cherry]

Yeah, thanks surfer. I now get what you mean by when you said separation can bring a sense of calm, as well as the odd sense of sadness. And the sense of calm is that our routine is less interputed with the when is he going to come home, or what mood is he going to be in, and am I going to get spewed upon.

Obviously he feels comfortable enough to swing by. He says he will be over tomorrow. When he left he branded the house toxic. Maybe he will see a change in my behaviour as I begin to truly working on me and looking after me. The desperation I may or may not have been emitting may have gone as I begin in thinking that I just need to get myself to a better place to interact with him as the father of my children, NOTHING else. I don't think he's going to like it if he hears that other slimy creeps are putting the moves on me. He told me only the other day that I deserve better than him and he will grill any man that comes into my life (we shall see about that!) Ashe wants to know that they are good enough for me and will look after me. That kinda came across to me that he doesn't want me, but he doesn't like the thought of anyone else having me either. Truth is I'm okay being alone, yes I'd love to have my family back together, but for me personally, I see that after a big commitment, you need to take a good lot of your time to just focus on you and figure out what you want in life. I don't want a rebound, and certainly not while pregnant, I'd feel as though I'm disrespecting myself and my baby. I know some women do find someone else while pregnant, but this is just my thoughts.

I see the time after a breakup as that time you rediscover you. When I broke up with my ex, I went travelling the world for a while. And I came back refreshed, replenished and confident. Obviously I can't do the same thing now, but I'll find a way to achieve this without packing my bags and escaping for a while

[Cherry]

Thanks grl. I guess today was the first encounter after the rough. The calm after the storm so to speak. And yeah, he wasn't a jerk, and wasn't angry. He didn't make much eye contact, and he didn't look his usual groomed self. I however, had been out so made an effort, and if I say so myself- I looked good!

I think I've done quite good previously at achieving the being cordial despite what he throws, so I shall get back to that. And I'll be a bit mysterious to him. I'm kinda just standing in the distance to him now. Not being rude, but nor will I let him see much insights in to my life. This may take a bit of faking to start, as I'm still adjusting, but I'm sure I will get there!

[Surfer]

Cherry

Yes him not coming home should provide fairly immediate relief in terms of eggshell walking. That's good. Time is now your free friend. You have at least 6 months before a D can happen. Forget the whole verbal divorce routine - I think it was just him being crazy and dramatic. From what you said it wasn't performed correctly anyway. Just focus on 6 months at least to work on you and your babies.

Re: toxic house. Of course it was. That's a why he keeps calling back. He 'felt' toxic. He was projecting his feelings onto the house. Think about it. A house can be no more toxic than a flower. It's the relationship inside the house and he still keeps coming back to that that...the good news is he has not let go of you.

Also, with him popping back and talk of interviewing other men. That's all control. Popping back is temp checking. Interviewing other men? What a pile of @rap. Exactly how many would he give you the nod on? I will tell you how many - precisely none. No he is trying to stay in control of you - at least in his mind. I would ignore all that nonsense.

It's important that you pay no mind to him now. Get back in the saddle. Use this time to GAL, be happy with your S and have fun. Be kind to you and enjoy the space. Like me you enjoy your own space. TBH I think like me you are probably just as happy pottering at home as you are in a group and often happier just at home. A home bird as such I think. IDK - if you are that will bring calm but be careful to get out too!

I am a bit unsure about what to say on the constant temp checking. I feel like you should be less availble for this. I have seen it myself. It's control and I think allowing someone to control is not good. I would be keen to hear what any others might think about it( should you set boundaries? How if so? Not sure.

Surfer.