Beating depression is difficult. Doing so under such circumstances is magnificent,a real achievement. Well done.
I love the tone of your last post. It shows great character and humanity.
It is great you can feel happy for H, as he seems to be happy. Maybe he is and he will continue to be so. I do not know him or OW, but when the newness fades, and old ways/attitudes resurface, I would not be surprised that it will be less perfect. You are right not to dwell on that.
Your pain and suffering may not all be behind you but I am.sure the butterfly you will soar and make life great.
Even if you do not reconcile (and that still could happen, down the road if you are open to it then), it is great to read here about people who rise from.the ashes and soar. One way or another we will be alright, better than alright even.
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
Thank you everyone for your kind words. I feel now I have reached a level of just reporting. I'm not sure I can offer my advice, and also I still feel not really ready yet to help newcomers!
This week has been so hard as I was unwell for most of it, and because of that my mind started to wonder a lot! It was making me crazy in a way, so I ask God to help me and it came through a conversation with my step daughter.
She came to spend the day with us to celebrate youngest birthday. We did talk a lot about H. She needed it, and so do I! I have learnt more hurtful things and won't go into details but it looks like H has been lying to me from the beginning of our relationship. I'm not sure about the cheating, but lying it has been confirmed by SD. She has no gain in manipulating me as she has a pretty very clear picture of who her father is.
As a result this (despite hurting me for the first couple of hours) has put me on another level for detachment. This is showing how much I have grown as it hurts but the amount I spent on dwelling is getting shorter every time. With all the information in my hand, I can say i no longer want to R nor save my M.
H isn't showing any sign of personal growth, better improvement for himself and/ or looking at his participation in the end of our M. I have realised that he is the rotten apple, who has consciencely drained me of my good side to boost his ego and when he got what he wanted he moved onto his next victim. He has left me feeling bad, doubting about my abilities and further more as crushed me like a nut! Now I can see why God has put me on this path.
I have fully accepted my situation, and now I see it as a blessing as I had lost myself very badly. I still won't initiate D as I feel H needs to face up to his responsibility for once in his life, but I know it won't happen anytime soon.
As for OW I feel sad for her if H has really told her that he won't marry again, won't have her moving in with him and won't have children. What kind of woman can accept that from her partner of 4 years! By the way I was right on the length H has been with her. H even told SD that he can't stand her kids! I'm sorry for her because she is really in love with him, and can't see that unfortunately what happened to me and H's first partner (SD confirmed suspicion of A while H was with her mum, but it wasn't the reason why they broke up: he walked on his first family!) is very likely to happen to her. As H doesn't want to commit to OW, said he won't be a step dad to her kids! H has already started sign of using her like he did with me.
With SD we agree he talks the talk, but doesn't walk the walk. Even if OW is also responsible for the break up of my M, she might have been a victim of my H smooth talk. There's no point of me trying to warn her as she won't believed me. I can only pray for her, so she doesn't get as badly injured as H's ex and me.
Hi Rouky, I'm sorry for the hurtful information you heard. But I'm glad if it helped settle your feelings about OW. We start desperately thinking - she has him & I want him! But over time, we come to see that he isn't a prize & their situation is far from ideal.
I'm sorry that he doesn't go about trying to get his needs met in healthier ways...but that's for him to figure out....
Glad to read you are doing well xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Just a bit down as it's youngest daughter's birthday and she was saying that she was happy to see her dad (nothing wrong with that) because he told her that he'd give her two presents! I know she is very young but I had to tell her that I got her the other present she wanted and that I did throw her a party!
Tomorrow is another day. Free from any contact with H for nearly 2 weeks as he is off on holidays with OW! Funny that he can go on holidays but can't even help his eldest daughter with her driving lessons!
I haven't got much to report as my life is pretty quiet at the moment. There are still days when I think about H, and others when I don't! Last night I saw something on BF, and felt like a sharp knife going through my in my heart. So I have decided to block that person.
I have been reading lot of spiritual self help books, and now I'm starting to see things falling into place. One example is tonight I have a movie night with my kids and some from the neighbourhoods, I'd have never been able to do it if I was still with H. While H is away this week, I have realised that I was also preventing him from doing what he loves doing ( if we had been together he wouldn't be doing what he is doing now), so in a way I understand why he doesn't see a future with me. If he is truly happy with OW, then he deserves it. This week I have done things that if I was living with H, they'd have never occurred,
I have learnt things about relationship, and myself the hard way but I can see and feel the changes in me! Don't misread me, there is still some part of the old Rouky ( mainly when I'm tired) that still surfaces and now I can see H's view of our marriage. I understand where is/was coming from, and to be honest I couldn't have stayed in a marriage like that. It still doesn't excuse what he did but I can't blame him for wanting out as he still has half of his life ( like me ahead of him).
I only wish I had learnt of those things about relationships, and I'm not ashamed to say I was naive, and was hoping that love would conquer it all! Now I don't. I'm more and more certain as each day goes by that I don't want to save my M. I know I couldn't go back to trust him, let alone forgive him. I forgive myself for what I have done to him, but I'm not there yet to forgive him. I'm not in a rush to date, so there is no need for me to divorce H as everything has already been taken care of!
For so long I haven't been myself (maybe I never knew who I really was as I was a people pleaser as I felt so unloved), and each day that passes by I learn more about me, I love myself more, I accept myself more as I am who I am!. I'm not looking for another relationship at the moment (despite everyone asking me about it), so I'm not interested in divorcing H as I'm looking into becoming a better version of me. So when the next right person enters my life ( as at some point H must have been), I will be able to see him as the cherry on the top of my cake (ie my life) and not him as my life!
You are rediscovering yourself! Keep an open mind about all things and continue to learn, grow and share. You are right where you need to be at this time.
An excellent posting!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I wholeheartedly believe that rediscovering/ discovering yourself is the greatest blessing in this mess. I have felt many of the things you've shared about potentially never truly knowing who you are/ were.
You will continue to uncover things about yourself the more you continue on your path. It's all about being present and aware of the world around you and within you. Keep up the great work... I have no doubt that you'll not only become more self aware, but you can be proud of all the gems you will discover along the way!
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
Rouky I loved your post! You sound so strong and knowledgeable.
A few weeks ago I realised that with H being a part-timer I can now do what I please without being criticised about my choices. It's liberating. I even thought of fostering when my children leave home. Obviously there is nothing I want more than my R to work. But if it doesn't, there will be a silver lining and all that
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
Just having a doubting day. I feel that when I kicked H out (after I told him if he was to be with OW again, this is what would happen), he saw it as me telling him that I wasn't prepared to fight for our marriage, but shouldn't it have been him realising that I gave him a chance but he blew it up and that he ought to realise that I was/am the price!
