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I think you are looking for a button to press that is going to make this better in one simple step.
Like an EASY button.
Sorry it does not work that way.
You did not get her with one single step and you do not FIX this without lots of hard work.

Yes you need to learn about detachment and
other DB info.


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Vinny76 Offline OP
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The point of my post wasn't that's i am looking for a quick solution. It was if confronting her about the A with an ultimatum would be beneficial or not. Based on my observations, she is so far gone I'm not sure what it will accomplish. But I know I have to get this off my chest someway with her. I'm struggling with the right way to do that.

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That depends on what "beneficial" means. Getting an A out of the darkness and into the light is always the best policy. Ultimatums are always a risk. I've seen them given here and the other spouse walks. I've seen them work. It worked for me. I just said I won't be married to someone having an A and I filed for divorce. That did the trick in my case and snapped her out of her funk. She realized she still loved me more than she didn't. The thing is, that can go the other way too. They may realize they don't love you anymore. You have to be emotionally prepared for either outcome. That's why detaching is so important. If you follow the guidelines and truly detach (don't fake it, do it) then you create a no-lose situation for yourself. She either goes all-in on the marriage or you get a divorce but either way you move on healthy. The only way to lose, honestly, is to remain in limbo. Limbo is soul sucking and isn't healthy for anyone.



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Quote:
The point of my post wasn't that's i am looking for a quick solution. It was if confronting her about the A with an ultimatum would be beneficial or not


Confrontation, alone, is not the solution to the problems. Many men think that's all they need to do. I am not saying you should not approach her about the A. I am saying that simply telling her you know about the A, is not enough to turn things around. You need to know what you are dealing with, when you confront her. If you confront her, you need to state a boundary about where you stand. A boundary is not the same as a ultimatum. (The link on boundaries explain). Your boundary should be to protect your feelings, and based on your values and beliefs. For example: (And, for gosh sakes, this only an example, okay?). If you tell her that you won't live in an open M, then she has a choice to make, and you are not controlling her. You are not telling her what to do, but rather telling her what you will or won't do. The action is strictly yours. If she continues the A, then you prepare to S or D. With that said, never make an idle boundary. She will test it, so be ready to back up your words.

It is not too late, but you need to understand what's going on with her. There are threads about the mindset of WW's, if you care to read them. It may give some insight to your W.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

We want to help you, but you have got to read about what works and doesn't work with a WW, before you jump into just doing something.

Finish the book ASAP.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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'Confrontation, alone, is not the solution to the problems. Many men think that's all they need to do. I am not saying you should not approach her about the A. I am saying that simply telling her you know about the A, is not enough to turn things around.'

Sandi is completely right. Some other non-DB sites or trolls may just tell you that exposure alone is enough to 'wake up' the WAS. In fact there are a couple of recent posters where they issued an ultimatum and their spouses pushed for divorce even quicker. Having patience and knowing when and how to bring up an Uncomfortable subject is key. Patience is not limbo if you know what to do with your time.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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Great advice. I am getting the. Ok tomorrow and will read ASAP! You guys are explaining my wife to a T. I need to get real with. Oundries and respect.

Question: Sandi you talk a lot about boundaries and holding firm on consequences. But you also admit you cannot punish them like one of your kids. So what are acceptable consequences? Say my wife disrespects me in front of my kids and that's my boundary, Im Struggling with a tangible consequence other than kicking her out or
Leaving. Don't think I can do that every time we have an encounter.

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Boundaries are not "punishment". They are the actions that you will not tolerate and the consequences tied to them that only you can control. You are not controlling your spouse, they are free to do whatever they wish, but it's what you establish is best for you.


M-43 W-40
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Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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Vinny76 - in the specific case you mention you can politely point out that you won't stand to be talked down to that way. If she persists (and probably will), make a point of leaving the room stating that this isn't a healthy conversation and you'll wait until she is able to speak to you like an adult.
In most cases that I've read it takes a few tries but most spouses will learn.

That boundary protects you and defines the actions you will take for yourself. In my case whenever my W would bring up topics that related to OM I would state "change the subject please" and she would.


On BD
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T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
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I'm reading the DR book. Good stuff but more questions!

As I think about my plan Im looking for advice on the GAL part:

My wife and I both work full time but she works an hour and a half away and we have 2 kids - one with special needs. Until I knew she was having an affair, I had no problem biting the bullet and getting home for bedtime etc. as the weeks progressed she's getting home later and later and more frequently late - obviously I now know WHY.

So, as I figure out how And when to confront my wife (and even after I confront her), how do I GAL if I'm Detached and letting her "do what she wants" which will result in her staying out whenever she wants however late she wants. Do I need to work with her and mandate I get 1-2 nights per week? Obviously she thinks I THINK she's just working late.

Also before I found out about the A, she literally said I need to get a life and get hobbies and friends and stop being emotionally caught up in her. I bring this up because I'm wondering if I need to skip the detachment and go right to the last resort techniques? I kind of feel detachment will play right into her fantasy of her not having to feel guilty while she runs around with the OM.

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Maybe you need to ask her to start carrying some weight around the house in respect to your kids. But that would be confrontational.

Since she already asked you to get hobbies and stuff i would tell her that you want to make time to hit the gym/take classes/whatever X times a week. Whats the best day/ times she can make it home from work to look after the kids.


Me31 W31 M11yrs S6yrs
23Mar16-BD
9Apr16-W admitted EA w boss.
27Jun16-W Changed job and promised NC w OM.
14Jul16-Continued contact w OM.Start of Separation.
24May17-Divorced.
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