That's me in the corner

[Coly23]

Thanks from me to Job! NC does take a lot of courage and determination and when I feel I am going to falter I think of the alternative anxiety that comes with waiting for a response to a text (like last weekend!) and that hardens my resolve!

Altair, have you got anything planned for the weekend?

[Altair]

Argh, my weekend plans fell through! So now I don't have any, save for a daily run in the park, food shopping. Coffee with a friend on sunday.

NC takes extreme amounts of patience, as does this whole process. Must dig deep, find reserves somewhere inside.

[Esame]

Altair you got some really good advice so far, all I wanted to add is that no contact might seem like the harder choice, but it is far better than the alternative. Every R talk I initiated ended badly for me, and pushed H further away. And even now, whenever I get too friendly I get one of the tired looks that shows me that he is not ready. So keep up the good work, it hurts less in the long run

[Coly23]

Oh Altair, that's rubbish! Is there anything at the cinema you could watch? Or rent a film with a nice bottle of wine. If it was for sitting my niece and neohew tonight I would be home alone too..

Yes your are right about NC and the DB process as a whole. I am not naturally a patient person and I'm also a talker so this is testing my very nature!

[AndrewP]

I watched The Wizard of Oz last night with a cuddly cat and a bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon. I highly recommend it for a LBS having the blues. An upbeat classic film with a strong "there's no place like home" message and the importance of self growth.

[Altair]

Andrew,
I'll think about Wizard of Oz. It certainly isn't depressing. The cat, on the other hand, I can't think about, can't have pets here. Someday I will get another cat!

Journaling.
It's interesting, having been lurking since June, suddenly there's a slew of old timers coming back and checking in and updating- it seems like more lately. I guess now that the shock has worn off, I want to clarify a few things. I know why I am here. We grew apart, I felt him pulling away, I became a pursuer. I did not know that he would suddenly up and leave with very little warning. I thought that we'd attend counseling and try to work things out. I'm here because I didn't see this happening, as it is unfolding. I didn't think H would leave and refuse counseling, and not press for a D. This just wasn't how we solved problems in the past. H was never rash or petulant or prone to extreme behavior. And, like most of us here, there were plans, leases, parties, lots of things all lined up even a matter of weeks before he left. I came here because I had no idea what to do, and the tenets of the books appealed to me. I didn't come here as a 'wronged person' (although some here are, rightfully so). I came here to try to make sense of a situation I've never been in, not even close. I do find many similar stories, and other, insightful not-so-similar ones.
I agree the limbo is the worst. But I also see to DB, and to let it lie, at least for now.

[Rose888]

If you're looking for a movie to watch at home, I highly recommend Begin Again. It's currently on Netflix streaming.

[Altair]

Thanks Rose!

[Coly23]

Hey Altair, how was your evening?

I get from your earlier post (sorry can't quote as on my iPad and haven't got a clue if I can do that) that you are feeling very worn down at the moment. Me too.

Your H's therapist has told him not to contact you and I get that but I also get how it can cause an impass if you are also going dark. As you know this also happened with Pinn and caused 2.5 months of radio silence until he broke it. His W was told by her therapist not to contact Pinn so as to not 'get his hopes up'. But I think this backfired on her as she was expecting the old Pinn to pursue her maybe... Do you think you will wait until your H makes the first move to contact you? It's very difficult to know what to do for the best as your H sounds quite fragile at the moment.

Do you think it might help to write out some signposts as well?

You are right that your H has not wronged you in the sense that he has not gone and got himself an OW (as far as you know. Also from what you describe I'm not sure he would be capable of starting up another relationship at the moment), he is not drinking, taking drugs or wasn't abusive so applying some of the methods may not be suitable for your sitch. But I do think leaving him alone for a bit is going to benefit you both.

I feel my H is very indifferent to me at the moment so that is why he isn't making any contact. However I read on old thread from last year (I think it might have been Vanilla to Edz) that indifference is on the opposite scale to love so maybe he just needs more time. IDK, some days my resolve is strong and on others I just feel like I can't remember any of the good times. He had just clouded my memory with all the bad things so I wonder why I am still standing. On the other hand I can't think if anything else to do so I might as well just be still as they say...

Our H's are in a holding pattern right now but at some point they will run out of fuel and have to make some sort of radio contact to the control tower (you and I) but until then we will have to be patient.

Happy Sunday Altair!

[AndrewP]

Altair - I hope your weekend is going better. My weekends used to be structured around W so I really felt the loss of her even before she actually left the house.

What's worked for me because I like structure was to re-arrange my life and take more time with things. I used to rush through my chores and tasks on Saturday mornings when W was usually working and then have the rest of my time to share with her. Now I do some of the laundry on Saturday, some on Sunday. I take time to go for a hike (heading out shortly for one). I'm fortunate that I have D24 who says she doesn't mind getting peppered with SnapChats (S22 takes a week or more to get around to reading them). Is there someone who you can remotely share your day with? One of my "signposts" (do I get a commission for that concept?) is that I will post my Snapchats to my "story" and W will often look at them. I try to keep them non-threatening and upbeat - this morning included a shot of the French Toast I made to spoil myself. Even if W doesn't check it's nice to know that someone out there in the form of D24 who loves me is sharing a small slice of my day and she will usually share her's with me.

You can do this. Some people try to use GAL to "fill" their days. I try to take the time to live in my days. I'm even getting better at this.

Too bad we (for lots of good reasons) don't have any IRL connection - I'm sure one of us would be your SnapChat buddy.