Cadet - I read trusting faith's link you provided me about the life in MLC'er. I am just wondering how it turned out for her.
She does have more threads here click on her name, post, topics and you will get the list.
I am friends with her and what I said is pretty much so.
I wrote to you:
Originally Posted By: Cadet
Originally Posted By: kdvor
Also - Can somebody explain, why is it ok to let him live in the house, come and go as he chooses, provide no assistance with kids, daily living, etc. while sits on the couch drinking and lets me manage the entire life around him.
Here is a thread of an LBS that has a live in MLC'er
I can tell you he still lives in the basement and we are getting on towards 8 years. There are signs that he might be coming out of it.
Hope that helps.
The signs that he is coming out are that he has reconnected with the house, dog, and sometimes the kids. He is starting to act like a father again, and take some responsibilities for the house.
He still lives in the basement and there is still more crisis to go. So it is not yet decided, IMHO.
Ok. Just to clarify. I did read Divorce Busting. But I really feel confused about the whole thing which is why I sending so many questions.
I am not a type A control freak. I am more Type B. I happily kept "the ship" running while he "played". Sometimes I would be frustrated and resentful, but for the most part I was happy for my life. I definitely didn't show him lots of mushy love and as he says didn't act sexy. But I was exhausted and probably a little resentful that he didn't appreciate all I did deep inside.
He doesn't EVER do anything to help. So I never criticize. Honest.
This doesn't sound like a happy or healthy marriage, but you seem resistant to any introspection about what you can do to improve things by changing yourself, not by changing him.
You seem very dismissive of his needs.
Even your proposed 180 is focused on getting him to do more, not on changing yourself.
You really need to focus on you.
Am I saying this is all your fault? Am I saying it is fair? Not At All.
But I do think that it's easier for our spouses to change if we change first. Especially if they want out. Especially if they are in an MLC.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
Here's a thread on 180's. Also, there is a forum on this Board that is titled "Do the 180 Workshop". The link below may give you some good ideas of what works and how to go about them.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Kdvor - while I am STILL here, I am NOT still "here" in the same way. What do I mean? Well, I regained my sanity in all this; aka I detached from what is HIS crisis. Yes, our m was not perfect. Yes, I made mistakes. But it's not like I slept with every man in his family.
So, no one can tell you exactly how to survive this. BUT, it does start with slowing your mind down and reading a lot about detachment and MLC. Because if you believe this is MLC, then you come to understand there is no easy fix to HIS crisis. A trip to Victoria's Secret will not do the trick. (Trust me because I tried pretzeling myself to make my h happy until I realized NOTHING was "working" because he was unhappy internally.)
While you can't fix this, certain things DO make it worse: trying to reason with him, talking about the marriage, talking about counseling, begging him, pleading with him, etc. Stay away from these.
So, what can you do? Look at yourself. Slow down and really assess. Go back a re-read what all these people posted. Think about your h's complaints and try to determine if any of them have a real basis.
As for how to treat him? This is what I was explaining earlier. Slow down and be consistent in the way you treat him. (I pictured my kids being in the same room with us and acting accordingly.) Don't ignore him, be cold, angry, hostile, ride in separate cars, try to punish him for this, etc.
I know you are mad! One of the things to work on is getting that anger out in a constructive fashion: cleaning out closets, exercising, taking the kids out, seeing friends, etc.
Stay away from any relationship talks!!!
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
It's a hard balance, because it seems pretty clear he felt disconnected from the family as if he really didn't have a role. Giving him a chance to have a role, make decisions, I believe is a 180. doing it without pursuing or making it about you is tricky, but it can be done. I agree 100% with Job that you shouldn't TELL him to do anything, but just give him the opportunity. and stay away from reasoning, begging, and R talks, absolutely.
Hi Kdvor - so you mentioned on my thread that your h is selfish. Many of us here speculate that perhaps the person prone to MLC is on the selfish side and has poor coping skills while the LBS is a fixer/avoider and perhaps, in some cases, codependent. My h, too, was on the selfish side and I am for sure a fixer.
Like you, I did it all when my kids were young. I tried to get my h to help but he became unreasonable. I think he was on the selfish side + he had slipped into MLC and had regressed. Like you I grew resentful because he wouldn't meet me half way. It was a source of friction for me. So I get what you mean there.
You mentioned that your h is drinking. Has he always been a drinker and it has worsened? Or did he start drinking with his depression?
Is he physically and verbally abusive to you and the kids?
I definitely recommend you go see an IC (for you not as marriage counseling) regardless of the answers to the above questions. However, if he is abusive, this is definitely something you should be tackling with a therapist because you and your kids deserve to be safe in your own home.
As bad as all this is, the good news: this is your chance to really re-evaluate yourself, your m and the next years of your life.
Are you meeting with an IC? If not, you should find one with whom you are comfortable. It helped me a lot!
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
I'm not an expert, but all the reading I have done so far mentions that when there is physical violence or addiction you need to protect yourself. Get out. Get help, or if you must stay only do so if he accepts to attend appropriate therapy and on the condition that he will NEVER be violent again. Not even once.
I'm sorry I don't remember more details, it was not relevant to me so I didn't pay that much attention and only remember it because it is one of the points that most professionals agree on.
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
