There are parts of your story that sound familiar, and others that are different. The differences might be great enough that my story won't help you at all, but I'll share anyway just in case.
There are two main themes in my story--my husband's depression, which has spun into MLC twice in our marriage, and issues with my libido. He had always wanted a passionate marriage and he keenly felt the lack of feeling loved and desired.
I thought I understood and was improving, but I didn't really get it until this second MLC. Even then, I thought I needed to wait until after he came out of the depression to fix things, because it's hard to feel sexy around a depressed person.
And then he spent an extended amount of time away and came back detached and not sure he wanted to stay married.
All of a sudden, I was super motivated to fix the sex issue. It turns out, I didn't need him to change first. I could change first.
It can be tricky to not pursue while showing you can be in a passionate relationship.
The way I handled it was to never turn down his overtures of physical contact, but to be sensitive to when and where I initiated. In our case, he still slept with his arm around me, and I could initiate sex some nights, but he pulled away if I tried to kiss him during the day. So I kept my hands to myself outside of bed, but if he initiated touch during the day, I was receptive.
Physical touch releases bonding chemicals in the brain, and I wasn't going to prevent him from feeling the effects of those.
In my case, that approach worked well when paired with 180s in other areas and no R talks. At all.
I know it goes against a lot of the advice, and I'm not saying it is what you should do.
But if you think your H is bringing up legit issues in spite of the MLC, you might consider addressing those as you can, even before he snaps out of it.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
Thanks all for the constant reminders and support. Little interesting development overnight.
He never called or checked in with me. I ended up having no idea if he went out of town or not, but assumed he did because his overnight bag was gone. I was very anxious and tried hard to focus on my kids and tell myself to stay calm.
I was just falling asleep around midnight when I heard him come in the door and almost run up the steps into my bedroom. I acted as if I was sleeping and as he entered the room immediately said "Kit?" (that is his loving pet name to me). I open my eyes and said hi. He said, "oh just wanted to see if you were sleeping. How are you? I didn't go to Boston, obviously." I said, "Oh, did you work this late?" He said, "no, I have been just sitting in a restaurant for the last 3 hours. . . . by myself. . . . .reflecting. (Long Pause) I feel better tho." I said, "I'm glad. What restaurant". He said "Houlihans". I said, "i love it there". Then he proceeded to ask me what is on the schedule for tomorrow, offered to help with the kids and made a little small talk as he got ready for bed. Then climbed into bed with me and went to sleep.
This morning when he woke up, he wasn't overly friendly, but not cold. He asked me to help him with something and offered to take kids to bus stop. Asked what I was doing today.
I know these are good signs, but this could turn south quickly. Any advice on how to carefully navigate?
Does a MLC seriously make serious headway sitting in a crowded restaurant for 3 hours by himself. ??? Is this meaningful or just typical cycle stuff? Can I do anything to keep the momentum going?
It's good that he sat somewhere and just thought about things. He may have thought about moving to a hotel/motel for a while since he had his travel bag w/him. However, it appears he's not ready to move out, so you need to be thankful for that. However, if you do not give him the space and time he needs, he may very well do so. What do you do? Leave him alone and just be there as a friend. Listen, validate and only offer up advice when he asks for it.
What can you do? Keep the focus on you and your children and those expectations that you have right now? Drop them down to zero. The less pressure you put on him to act like a grown up and be there to support you, the better. More pressure = more distancing by him.
Leave him be! He'll come to you when he wants to talk and/or if he needs something. Keep the focus on you and your family.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank Job. He had his travel bag because he was debating making a 5 hour drive to Boston to hang out with some co-workers (surgeons) at a Spine Conference. Instead he sat in a restaurant by himself in NJ and reflected and somehow feels better. Oh, how I want to ask him what his revelation is. . BUT I am learning. I will not.
Today he was chatty and I think trying to show me he is "feeling better" what ever that means. He took kids to bus and hung out at my daughter's theater class (never did that before). He asked me to help print stuff and help him look for good prices on a flight to Ireland (going for a friends 40th birthday), and shopped all day buying lululemon clothes and new dark black trendy glasses (j crew style). He is now at his weekly hair appointment. I swear, if i ever see the money he is spending I will be naseous. Anyway, the behavior today was nice, but did not seem geniune to me - more like forced.
Rose (and all) As for the sex thing, for him this is an issue, but he has said even more of an issue is that fact that I NEVER tried to be sexy or seduce him. I am a mom of 4 kids ages 9 and under. When I had my twins I had 4 kids aged 3 and under. He cited I never wore sexy night clothes, etc. I actually think I had done this years ago. . . and he made fun of me. Now I just wear sweats. To be perfectly honest, before this BD, I dreaded sex. I not only didn't want to have sex, I didn't even want to want to have sex. I remember watching Oprah and her saying how important it is, and I couldn't understand it. I guess I see it now. Anyway, my point in all this - is that I have tried to offer sex over the past few weeks AND he has denied it twice. So when is the right time and place for that. How can I make myself sexy and desired by him again?
Rose (and all) As for the sex thing, for him this is an issue, but he has said even more of an issue is that fact that I NEVER tried to be sexy or seduce him. I am a mom of 4 kids ages 9 and under. When I had my twins I had 4 kids aged 3 and under. He cited I never wore sexy night clothes, etc. I actually think I had done this years ago. . . and he made fun of me. Now I just wear sweats. To be perfectly honest, before this BD, I dreaded sex. I not only didn't want to have sex, I didn't even want to want to have sex. I remember watching Oprah and her saying how important it is, and I couldn't understand it. I guess I see it now. Anyway, my point in all this - is that I have tried to offer sex over the past few weeks AND he has denied it twice. So when is the right time and place for that. How can I make myself sexy and desired by him again?
Oh, I so relate to this.
We've talked about how his earlier reactions to my very few attempts made me feel embarrassed. He didn't mean to come across as making fun of me. He was just nervous and embarrassed, even though he liked it.
There are some downsides to neither partner having had any other sexual experience outside the marriage.
I recommend reading some books specifically on this issue. MWD has one, but I would read more than one. You need to really get his perspective.How did you feel when he rejected your offer of sex? Can you use those experiences to feel more empathy for him?
Do you feel sexy? If not, I'd start there. Do you need new clothes, a haircut, etc?
I joined a short burlesque dance class. Not that I have any intention of dancing burlesque, but I wanted to feel more confident and sexy in my own body. H was intrigued.
GAL also makes you seem sexier, because you'll be more alive.
I get the feeling that you want to see change right away. These things take time. You can't expect him to desire you just because you now say you understand. It's going to take time for him to trust you.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
Can you guys remind me again how to communicate with him when he is trying to engage in the family activities (but looks like it is torturing him). How do I be enjoyable to be around without talking to much or pushing him away?
Think back to when you two met...how did you interact w/one another? How would you act around a distant friend? Don't talk too much, laugh when necessary and just have some small talk about what the children are doing. I would attempt to keep my focus on the children as much as possible as they are a very safe topic of discussion. For example, if your child is doing something fun say "Look at son over there. He's swinging really high on the swings." That leaves the door open if your h wants to say something.
If you haven't checked out HaWho's threads, you might want to do so. Her h was, and I should say, is still doing some of this "torturing" stuff. She's mastered the art of detachment and keeps on down the road.
It's like this, either your H enjoys spending time w/you and the kids or he doesn't. You can't make him enjoy that time. That's why it's important to keep the focus on you and your children. If he sees that everyone is having a good time, he may eventually chime in and want to participate in the activities as well. Keep the expectations at zero!
I am starting to think this MLC "condition" is a load of crap. Maybe it is just an excuse we use to enable selfish people to behave badly. My H has the added bonus of alcohol dependency so even when he is trying to "find his way out of the tunnel", then we have to deal with the alcohol ramifications.
As I am starting to wonder when enough is enough, I'd like your take on this. My H was civil and treated me like a wife at a neighborhood social event last night until it was time to go where he choose to stay instead of come home with me and kids (this is normal tho) and then got a call from work at midnight that there was a trauma and he had to go in. ( My H works in an OR and was apparently"On call" this weekend). He decided to drive drunk and go. I offered (instead of begged and pleaded) an alternative, take uber, i'll drive you. I questioned what would happen if the hospital knew he was drunk. He didn't care and left. Luckily he made it home safely and didn't get fired.
Today he slept in and woke up with "that look in his eyes". He tried to be nice but I can see a real struggle. It's gonna be a long day.
Can somebody tell me why I shouldn't just pack it in?
Well, I do think the feelings of MLCs are real. How people behave in response to those feelings varies quite a bit.
To be honest, the drink driving and working is the part that concerns me. I haven't faced that situation, so I can't say for sure, but that might be more than I could live with.
I don't see anything wrong with him staying later than you and the kids. H and I have started leaving separately because it works better for us than negotiating a departure time.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
Can somebody tell me why I shouldn't just pack it in? This is a question that we ask ourselves frequently along our life's journey and the answer is always the same..."you and only you can determine when you've had enough".
Now, my take is this, if you are asking the question, then you aren't ready to pack it in. Trust me, you'll know when to call it quits, if it comes to making that decision.
Dig deeper for patience.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
