7 weeks Post BD. Husband says he feels trapped in a complacent and loveless marriage. Love me but not in love with me. Wants to stay in home and for me to leave him alone. He comes and goes as he chooses and seems to be making an extra effort with the kids. Comes along to sports and acts amicable. At home alone he ignores me and drinks until bed. Repeatedly told me he does not want to work on marriage, he has nothing for me and he is really only interested in improving himself.
My question is. How do I detach when my husband stays in the house and tries to go about our normal life while ensuring that I know he is emotionally done with me.
I am a mom of 4 kids ages 9,7, 5 and 5 (twins). After hubby lost weight, bought a new wardrobe, changed his look etc. I got the bomb drop (7 weeks ago). A total surprise to me, because i was very happy in our marriage. And I actually believe he was too. My bomb drop is I love you, but I want to be in love, I deserve more in my life and I feel empty with you. He says, the rat race with the kids seems like a chore/job to him because our relationship is nothing and he feels trapped in a marriage that he signed up for that he does not want. I spent the first few weeks begging and pleading which only infuriated him and made him stay away. He said he wants to work out and work on himself and doesn't have the energy or desire to give anything to me or anything else. He's been nothing but awful to live with since August.
In the past week I have taken advice from the board, stopped paying attention to him, doing my own thing, etc. and I am getting attention. He texts me, says I love you, hugs me, asks me to bear with him and not to shut him out, etc. Although he is doing these nice things, he is still very distant and I can tell he is very much in the MLC. I think he is nervous I am going to leave him, which I kind if indicated when I told him, I am now moving on.
When he hugs me - should I hug back? When he texts me I love you - should I say it back? When he comes to talk to me - how much should I pay attention and how much should I shut him out? Where is the balance in keeping the door open to fix this, vs. the tactic of keeping lots of distance.
I have asked him to see counseling, make changes in our relationship or life, just plain start having sex to rekindle things, go to dinner or do something once a week,etc. He says no no no no to all of it. Says he doesn't want to fake it and is happier doing things alone. Only since i told him I am moving on and stopped focusing my attention on him he has started doing a few little "connection things" like I mentioned above. When asked what he wants, he says, he wish he could just be left alone and stay her OR go away for awhile and come back. When asked what he envisions a perfect marriage 10 years in with 4 young kids he says "that's just the point, I don't know, and it 'effing [censored] that I am trapped for the rest of my life in this complacency".
I want more from my marriage too but I have never been unhappy raising my 4 kids and supporting my family. My husband has NEVER had restrictions from me. I do it all. He comes and goes as he chooses while I manage everything else. In his bomb drop he mentioned that I am like a cold robort or like his roomate Billy. He get's no sense of romance or fulfillment from me. When I tried to explain it's because I am left to do it all alone, he says "that may be true, but that is just the person you really are. You can't be the person I want". I have tried to be more needy, sweet, relaxed, etc and he calls me a "faker". In all honesty, I would DIE for him to take care of me, sweep me off the floor, help me or just ask how I am doing. So it is insane to me that he says this.
I need to add that he is definitely abusing alcohol for sometime now and in the last 6 weeks when I tried to "talk" to him there has been a little bit of physical abuse. That said, I knew I would prompt it, because I wouldn't stop following him around the house trying to talk with him. So I really intiated it. I am just saying this because if I am looking for real help here I figure I need to be honest.
So when he reaches out with hugs, affection, initiates conversations and texts - how much do I allow to show my true feelings of LOVE or do I just continue to be cold for awhile. And if the latter, how do I know when I can approach again?
Kdvor I could have written your post, with only minor differences. I think you should get the book and really commit to divorce busting, and follow the information from the homework you would got from your first post at newcomers (and I think Job will get you the MLC version of it soon).
My advice is to follow all the rules, especially since you see your H is already responding. Mine hasn't responded yet to anything I did, but then again he is a special kind of "stubborn". My mistake? I though I was DBing but I still initiated or asked for R talks! I think that has been detrimental and pushed him away.
Do your homework, give him space, work on yourself. As you say you are not happy with the marriage either, so work on what you can change, yourself.
Best of luck x
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
Welcome to the MLC Forum. I'm sorry you are here, but we've got a lot of wonderful people posting here who will be happy to come by and visit w/you, i.e., support you, give advice and/or opinions, as well as just to talk about life in general. So, I'm going to paste Cadet's Welcome Posting here for you to begin some brand new homework. Read as much as you can about MLC and depression and if you have any questions, don't hesitate to ask them.
Here's Cadet's Welcome Posting: OK so that means MORE homework.
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.
This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first.
Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Last edited by job; 10/15/1607:30 AM. Reason: Added a link to another thread
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I have merged your two threads together. The reason for this is that we continue posting to one thread until we've reached the 100th posting/reply count. By sticking to one thread, it makes it easier for us to follow your situation and the progress you make along your journey. Also, it makes it easier for you to go back and review your journey too. You can also change the subject line within a thread at any time.
I am going to suggest that you read HaWho's threads as her husband is in MLC and living in the dorm room and continues to act out. She's got the patience of a saint.
Also, read all of the homework. Have you read the DB and DR books? If not, you need to get them or at least the DR book (it's the most recent one).
Hi kdvor, I'm sorry to read your story - but glad you have found the forum as there are many wise people here who have trodden this path before.
In terms of interacting with your H, I would generally apply the 75% rule. If he is being enthusiastic about things, aim to respond positively (not coldly) and offer around 75 percent of that positivity back at him.
So, if he hugs you, offer him a hug back, but disengage after a brief cuddle and pleasantly get on with what you are doing. If he texts ILY, maybe just say thank you back.
It takes a while to get into the groove, but try and work on the basis of showing rather than telling. Don't tell him you are moving on, but show him you are moving forward.
Keep on reading and posting...there is lots to learn, but it sounds as though you are doing pretty well for seven weeks in...
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Hi kdvor, just a message to welcome you and offer support. As you will find we all have spouses who feel unfulfilled, and this terrible path is their "solution" to it. Hopefully in time they will see it does nothing to ease their pain. Keep the focus on you, and ensure you are able to cope and get some happiness out of life, this path is long and winding. Best wishes
M 10, T 18 M: 36, W: 35, D: 8, S: 6 EA: Oct 12 ILYBINILWY: Jan 15 BD: Aug 15 Separated: Sep 15 Miss you: Jun 16 Aug 16: Dating (!) Oct 16: Selfishness returns... currently: disgusted
thanks all for the response. I have read and read and read again. Really trying to change my thinking and actions.
Was wondering if anybody had this experience where the husband spends 7 weeks ignoring you, professing how you are a 0.0 in his life. And then, all of a sudden, without any conversation or anything happening, starts being nice. Saying I love you, buying small gifts, kissing on forehead or cheek, asking how I am.
Yep, my xh left the first time in a fit of anger, was gone 3 days came back, went on an overseas holiday w/me and wanted to purchase me a more expensive engagement ring, all the while suffering from his crisis.
I would suggest that you follow his lead for now as he is just one confused man. Enjoy the gifts because he may very well stop doing so if you begin to question him. Accept him for who he is today, tomorrow may be another issue.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
