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Oh, Sage, look who's been absent again and just thought to check back? I'm so glad you finally did check in.

Hopefully, by now you've had a business trip and some time to think and reframe. How's that going for you of late?

I'll keep you in my thoughts. It's so hard to do this and manage yourself and take care of a child, isn't it? Toddlers are wonderful, but require so much bandwidth that it really doesn't surprise me to see multi-tasking parents struggle. I can look back and I honestly am stunned that I didn't fall apart back then too. So give yourself some pats on the back and an "atta girl" for keeping everything together the way you have. It DOES get easier. I think.

So take good care of yourself and hope your self care is a priority these days.

Hugs--Betsey


"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."

Albert Einstein
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Check your email, girl. I'm coming your way.
Ellie

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I cannot believe it has been 2 years since I have last posted and that long, too, since I checked this thread.

In many ways things have improved dramatically in that time period. I'm past the utter exhaustion of balancing home and a young child. Baby girl is almost 6 now and a true delight. SO much easier now though I still have more desires and wishes and wants than time.

I thought that h and I were doing ok...yah there were some things to fix, don't get me wrong, and I've been trying to work on it here and there...reading the Five Love Languages again, working on some meditation (it just helps me SO MUCH) but then last night he got mad at me for something and he said something so hateful - literally full of hate - that I don't know how to not be done. I'm sure that sounds silly and a little crazy after all this time but there was so much anger and hatred and unfinished business and horribleness to his words. I honestly don't know what to do.

I've been googling therapists (for me, for us) and divorce mediation for the last 16 hours in alternating fashion.

I doubt too many folks who remember me are still here...hi to all.

Sage


Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
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Did you and your H ever go to C?


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

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We have been to counseling in the past.

We went for about a year (maybe less time?) well before the bomb dropped. We slogged through a lot of stuff and then it became clear that the time outside the sessions was what was helping us most so we stopped.

At the time the bomb dropped in 2002, I was in counseling alone. He came with me for one session post-bomb and it was clear that it was going to do more harm than good. He went to one counseling session solo (different therapist) and didn't return.

A few years ago (maybe just last year?) he went to another therapy session solo after he had a crazy blow up to something really, really trivial.

He is very anti-therapy. I am not. wink although I do believe that our marriage got back very much on track with just DB'ing.

The problem is now that it seems REALLY clear we have some things we really need to talk about. The communication problems are on both sides...I struggle to tolerate his reactions (lots of anger, lots of lashing back then complete silent treatment for DAYS) so I tend to shy away from bringing up issues. I've just described HIS communication issues in the ( ).


Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
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You don't need to tolerate his actions. He needs to get to the root of them. When you ask him why he is reacting that way, what does he say?


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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Hi Sage,

I could never forget you. Hope you are well, friend.

Hopefully, you have some good news since Valentines Day. How's Charlotte?

smile Betsey


"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."

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Oh, wow, 4+ years since being on these boards. Just took a quick down memory lane (aka, reading over this thread and checking to see who of the oldtimers is still around) -- hard to believe a) it's been as long as it has been and b) I'm still treading much of the same territory.

I don't miss the situation that originally brought me here lo many years ago but man, I was really focused on improving my marriage, huh?

How are things now? Charlotte is 10 and friends, at least in my case, the years passing from infancy to now have made all the difference in easing many of the issues in my marriage. All? No way. But the acute tiredness and disconnectedness are both alleviated.

So, why am I here tonight? Great question. I've felt the need, of late, to work on my M. Our M feels ok -- really -- but is missing intimacy. We have a lot going for us, there's no question...but I know there could be more closeness.

I chuckle a little at reading over this thread -- I guess it's true what H says that "people don't change" -- I'm back fighting the 10-15 lbs that make me feel crappy and the cluttering habit that annoys us both and the talking too much (and controlling and whatever...). I'm OK with having to work on all of the above because I don't like them in myself much either (well...I think the talking too much is ok but I'm starting to worry it's impacting DD too). (It's not really about talking too much as wanting to control everything..)

Anyway....I'll check out new threads soon...maybe I can be helpful to others. It's been 14 YEARS since Dday (almost to the day) -- how the heck did that happen? but I remember the lost feeling like it was yesterday.

Sage


Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
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Sage,

Thank you for the update. I would love some advice on piecing. My H has has been back for 1.5 years and most days things are fine. We went to MC for a year and the drama is subsiding in general. We are compatible in many ways. But I can't help feeling like there should be more, like something is missing. How do you feel close again? And in love, and vulnerable, etc, after someone hurt you and broke your trust? He has been accountable for his mistakes. He is remorseful and transparent. He apologizes and will as much as I need. He has worked on himself and made changes. But I can't help but to miss what we had, and what I felt for him before all this happened. I don't even know how to be open/vulnerable to him, even if I wanted to.

Thank you,
Blu


“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
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