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Five Offline OP
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My wife recently left me on my birthday. We had been at odds for sometime as she blamed me for all of her emotional shortcomings and I blamed her for my unhappiness.

At first I was committed to saving our marriage and doing whatever it took to win her back, but now I don't know anymore.

I love my wife very deeply and do not want to see her in emotional pain, but I feel that if I am the cause of it then I need to remove myself from the picture.

We have been married for 5 years, in the last year my wife, the extrovert, social butterfly, and pursuer in our relationship had become emotionally withdrawn, resentful, and angry towards me. I, the introvert became more willing to open up talk and discuss my feelings, but it made her angry.

She abruptly left our home after returning from a week long trip. We were very amicable during and prior to her trip (often being very emotionally and physically intimate); however, on the last night of her trip one of her male friends threatened me in which I went to the police and requested my wife come home to help me.

Instead of supporting me, my wife grew angry, lashed out, and called me petty and insecure. Never accused her (nor do I still believe) she has had an improper relationship with this gentleman, but this gentleman (a friend of her close female friend) appears to be mentally unstable.

Despite this, my wife refused to speak to me and did not tell me when she returned (which was not normal for her as she always got in touch with me on a nightly basis when we were apart). Me not knowing where she was for days drove me crazy, so I frantically called her family looking for her and she got angry. When I tried to call her, she got even more angry and hung up. Finally she sent me a message saying that she needed to come by and pick up her clothes and that she did not feel safe with me.

This through me for a loop, because my wife is the one who has a bad temper and explosive anger.

She left me the day before my birthday and cancelled all the plans she made for me. I'm not angry, but more hurt and worried about her, even after she notified me that she was drawing up a divorce agreement.

I had initially signed up for three coaching sessions and began reading the Divorce Remedy, but I feel there is nothing that can be done at this point. My goal was to stay away, limit contact, and focus on myself. But now that I have a legal matter to attend, she was recently in an auto accident (I own the car), we have joint bills, and she is working on divorce paperwork. So I have no choice but to stay in contact with her.

I do not want it to be done but I feel that there is nothing else I can do.

I'm lost and hurt not because she is no longer with me, but because I can sense her pain.


I just don't know anymore...
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Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.


Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Consider this your homework.

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-70, D37,S36
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Originally Posted By: Five
I love my wife very deeply and do not want to see her in emotional pain, but I feel that if I am the cause of it then I need to remove myself from the picture.

You are not the cause of her pain and she is not
to be blamed for your unhappiness.

I would still do the work here because there is no
avoiding it or easy buttons to press.

Keep posting


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Thank you for the information Cadet. I'm still unsure of what to do because of all of the rumors I am hearing come out the woodwork now.

My wife has limited contact me via email which she often initiates, although I do believe I reply too quickly and with too much information. I try to limit talk of the past and just tell her I'm more concerned about her safety and wanting to make sure this divorce goes as smoothy as possible.

She says talking to me is too painful. Her emails are usually full of anger, blame, and requests. And despite the pain of her abandonment and emotional neglect and abuse I still try to be positive in all my interactions.

I'm an a very private person, so going dark is not abnormal for me. My wife is a social butterfly and during our relationship I would often shutdown and shut myself away which would make her manic and obsessed with trying to control and pressure how I felt. The more she got possessive with my moods and feelings, the more I wanted to withdraw out of fear and resentment.

Later in our marriage when I finally started opening up, she in turn would get angry, resentful, and withdraw. And recently before she decided to run away, there had been nothing anger and confusion coming from her regarding anything I said or did. On one had I'm too passive, too withdrawn, and too shut in. On the other hand I'm controlling and abusive.

Too afraid to keep opening up to her and be attacked, I started speaking to my family and friends again after being on "hiatus" for many years. They have all rallied around me to support me, but that is when the rumors started coming out. The have told me that my wife said I was unpredictable, aggressive, abusive, and controlling.

They told me that she always said she never felt safe around me and that I'm the reason for all of her pain and confusion. That was a double whammy, on top of all the other recent things she has done to me (mainly lashing out and verbally berating me).

At first I was shocked, then sad because I tried to think of anytime I was not agreeable with my wife and if that made her feel bad. But now anger is building because I know that I never tried to demand anything from my wife because I was too afraid to.

I started cleaning our home today and boxing her stuff today, my goal was to get my home organized and possibly prepare it to sale if necessary. When I notified her via email, in the most polite and calm manner possible, her response seemed agitated and worried.

For some reason the person who said they would always love me and never abandon me seems happy to make unreasonable demands on me and state to world how free she is now that I am out of the picture. But she seems angry that I appeared to have taken the first steps to reclaiming my independence back.

I love her, I miss her, I want her safe, and I'm worried about her emotional/ mental state based on her recent abnormal actions. But I can not even think about ever getting back with her after all of this.

I still do not know what to do...


I just don't know anymore...
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Bumping this

My wife only wants to correspond by email and only about business/financial matters.

I pulled all of my text and chat logs with my wife from the past two years read through them.

I realize my wife was the one who always said I love you, always emailed, called, or text, to check on me. And always reached out when she thought I was hurting and angry.

Most of my responses were about business, the home, our finances or physical acts (I cooked for you, I fixed your tire, I cleaned up, I sent you money, etc.) that I just done for her so she wouldn't worry about her safety or our finances.

I never really got into the "emotional stuff" during our almost ten year relationship, except only when it came to sex. And even then I felt uncomfortable and uneasy being emotional with my wife.

I noticed that about 4 months ago her random "I love you" text became less frequent. She would still send me things like quotes and poems but I noticed she started investing herself more emotionally in her work and social life. We still had a very strong sex life, despite this.

Since she left, she recently sent me message telling me how to we needed to split up bills and finances so she could find her own place.

Instead of sticking to the matter at hand I talked about how my I have heart since she just disappeared on my birthday. How it hurts that I do not know where she is. How it hurts that she refuses to say "I love you." How it hurts that she keeps saying I will hurt her, even though I spent our entire marriage trying to shield her and putting up with her temper and sometimes (although very rare and old) physical outburst.

Her response was I don't trust you or feel safe around you.

Although I was supposed to go dark, my feelings got the best of me and now I feel further lost down the hole.


I just don't know anymore...
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Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.

Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.

Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.


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Originally Posted By: Five
Instead of sticking to the matter at hand I talked about how my I have heart since she just disappeared on my birthday. How it hurts that I do not know where she is. How it hurts that she refuses to say "I love you." How it hurts that she keeps saying I will hurt her, even though I spent our entire marriage trying to shield her and putting up with her temper and sometimes (although very rare and old) physical outburst.

Her response was I don't trust you or feel safe around you.

What makes you think this is about YOU?

She is hurting and continuing to beg, plead, bargain, and have relationship talks is counter productive.

Read the homework and the DB/DR books.
Then you will start to understand.


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Five Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: Cadet
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.

Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.

Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.


Well I'm already at a huge disadvantage, my walk out wife read the DR book and recommended I read it. Not much hope now I believe.


I just don't know anymore...
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Five Offline OP
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My has told me that there is no way we are not getting a divorce, she has started the paperwork and is looking for an apartment.

I saw her for the first time in two weeks the other day while I was taking care of some legal matters. While I can not get into the details, I will say that someone my wife is very close to, threatened me with severe bodily harm and I had to go to the authorities.

Her goal that day was to disrupt and dissuade me, even wearing sexy clothes to do so.

While she has been sending me heartfelt emails and text almost daily about what "once was", she is adamant that this is for the best.

She has said recent events has shown her that we just can't work.

I'm preparing for the legal reaming I may receive as well as the financial fall out. We had a true partnership money wise, but now I do not know how I can pay the bills, she says she is almost out of money (while still hiding away), and she says that she needs to file the separation paperwork ASAP.

All those years, I tried...I guess I tried in the wrong way.


I just don't know anymore...
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Have you seen a lawyer?

My suggestion is start agreeing with her however
she should do the work for the divorce and
you should try to protect yourself.


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