Phase 2 contd (2)

[ciluzen]

Hey Feyth. This is hard and dealing with L is...well, "yucky". And I have a few in my family (including a federal judge). Still yucky. Concentrate on what you need and what you want and understand that part of what you hear is your H and his fear of losing any assets or money, part is MLC weirdness, and a big part is L driven tactical stuff. My L kept asking me what I wanted and needed over and over through the process (it didn't change much), but when we sat down at final mediation she opened with a crazy extreme position that would have been impossible for H. I had to fight to keep my mouth closed. It was really just to see how they countered. Tactics.

We don't know what is going on in someone's head. Its even worse when that someone has paid for someone else to look after their best interests who doesn't care about you at all. Try to remember...you have to look out for you. Use your L to do that. Don't worry about what is going on in your H's head. Trust me; that is not a place you'd want to visit right now. Its more Halloween than Christmas in that noggin. So yeah. You don't know that guy while you are dealing with his L. It HAS to be business. And I can guarantee, his venture into the land of law is making him uncomfortable too. This is no fun from either side. But since he feels the need to do this, what can you do? Let your L take care of this business. It worked pretty well for me to detach from the legal stuff a bit and just really concentrate on looking good and being "at ease', making eye contact and trying to smile a bit (being "light and breezy" its been called by another poster) whenever we had to meet. It may not have been how I felt inside, but it was my way of showing control during the uncomfortable, uncontrollable sitch. And don't discuss the D with H without your L. If he brings it up, let him talk, but just validate and move on to something else. Leave that sh%$ for the Ls. Its business. Outside? You are the wonderful woman they'd be a fool to leave. Prove it.

Hugs to you. You are a rockstar and you know it! Look at all you've done and overcome when putting your mind to it. Don't let this be a mountain when its really just a little hill in your path.

You've got this!

[Pax_luv]

Thank you thank you thank you.
I'm going to re-read and respond, but just know how grateful I am for all of you. I just wanted to note that h has not retained a lawyer (yet)... He just wanted me to sign over the house and let it be done with. So, all this bullying is coming directly from him. That is why I feel like such cr@p... He keeps saying that I'm going to have to pay him spousal support if we start to do discovery.

Again... Thank you.

[ciluzen]

Ahhh...well. Then he is an uninformed bully.

Try not to feel like cr@p. People bully when they are scared or insecure. Just refuse him. Take a defensive stance. And then go from there. You've still got this.

[Sotto]

Well, I guess it's up to him if he chooses to retain a L. You have one, and so it's up to you whether you communicate directly with him or through your own L.

I had my L run some letters via me before she sent them to make sure the tone was what I wanted. Equally, XH and I did some liaison via email...but do remember, your comfort and future security are primary here.

Xx

[job]

Don't allow this man to bully you! The discovery process may reveal that he's got some assets that he's got hidden and doesn't want to disclose or he's too lazy to do the work for the responses.

[HaWho]

Feyth - These are just scare tactics meant to frighten you into giving him what he wants. And he knows the triggers.

Each time he tries this method, just remember divorce is a breach of contract. There are laws in place for breaches of contract. He is not above the law and you deserve fairness. (This is probably why he is trying to circumvent the legal system as much as possible.)

That said, I think it's important in these moments for us to slow down and try to process what we are feeling and why. My h has also tried scare tactics on me. As we all work on creating a stronger version of ourselves, these are the sorts of things we have to conquer. Look at your past dynamic, examine why you are feeling what you feel and course correct. One thing I have learned is to strengthen my boundaries. It really is true: we teach people how we are to be treated. Can people go around trying to scare us into doing things?!?!

Remember, there are laws in place for breach of contract and you deserve representation.

[Pax_luv]

Gosh, again thank you all for the advice and feedback. I am totally panicked. I think Job hit the nail on the head- I know he has sneaky accounting practices and I know he's afraid of risking exposure.

I am going to try to slow down and examine this. I just can't see how I can be the lighthouse when he's doing everything to burn me down.

This morning I ran as hard as I could to let this tension and stress out. I sobbed the whole way. Again, it's like I'm the bad guy in all this! He's so hurt and all I did was mooch off him and he's going to be paying for my "financial burden" on him for the next 28 years. Is this manipulation or is it true??? It's crazy- making.

Then, I saw that h and my lawyer had some email conversations... One where h thought that my lawyer was not being compliant. My lawyer corrected him and I felt BAD that h got the info wrong. How f@ck*d up is that?!! I felt bad for him briefly. This is a messed up dynamic.... Clearly I'm the one who's psychologically messed up when the jerk who's messing with me still gets my sympathy.

The last email was a sob story about how he just wants to close this chapter of his life so he can move on.

Oh poor him!

I don't know DBers. This really is awful.

[kml]

He's so hurt and all I did was mooch off him and he's going to be paying for my "financial burden" on him for the next 28 years.

28 years? Where on earth does he get this idea from?

You're young, no kids - the divorce should be extremely simple in most states. Split up the assets acquired during the marriage 50:50 (ok, maybe not in states that aren't community property states, but in most). If there is a big difference in your earning capacities, alimony by formula for half the number of years you were married. If he earned retirement benefits during that time, that also gets split by a formula (heads up - you don't get much). And usually THAT'S IT. So where does he get the idea that he'll be paying for 28 years????

[Coly23]

I like the fact he says it's going to get nasty if you don't accept his offer but he has no lawyer himself! Considering your lawyer has already had to put him right on something he is very confident in his abilities!

[Sotto]

Hi Feyth - firstly, please don't panic. Just post here and we'll keep supporting you. Also, don't worry about trying to be the lighthouse. Just focus on getting through this without being unkind to him, so that you can look back and feel happy with your part.

I agree that it's a good idea to slow down on any responses to him. Always respond with your business head, rather than your emotional head.

From what I read, he is flailing around because this isn't unfolding how he saw it would. He saw himself walking away quickly with X amount of assets. Now, he's starting to see that may not be the case.

Please don't let yourself be bullied or browbeaten and please don't feel sorry for him. He initiated this and the law is what it is. Brief your L to be pleasant and specific.

It's just a thought, but if you know how things should be split, you could suggest a formula to work with. In our case it was total assets now - minus what you each bought in (each take that) and split the 'growth' during period of cohabitation and M 50/50.

After many twists and turns, that is what XH suggested to me and I accepted that as fair. We kept it easy by leaving pensions alone as we both had provision there.

If he is in this state of mind, I would suggest you engage with him very little and work through your L as much as possible. Have you both made full asset declarations at this stage? That's the first step here in the UK on form E.

Keep running and posting and try and act on logic. Run things past us here. I know it's tough and I recognise how you feel as I felt the same about challenging XH. But truly, you will get there and you will be fine my lovely.

Xx