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JujuB Offline OP
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Hey here's a distorted consolation...

I used to hate reading posts from the really nice guys whose wives are treating them horrifically. Especially the guys that are supporting their wives and kids, despite the fact that their wives are cheating, lying, and neglecting the children. And there are so many tales of this. So the odds are pretty good that the next woman my husband ends up with will be a cheater. (It will be very difficult for my husband to find someone as loyal as I was, despite my other flaws)

I'm so bitter. I have to stop or one day I will get kicked off of these forums.


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((Jjb))

If I ever get karma's private hotline, I promise I will share it with you.


You can call me Dory/ Grl.

As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"

It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
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I understand your pain and anger. I still feel it. My ex is living his dream life. That's great for him. He went out and got exactly what he wanted. I was angry for while about that. Then I just realized focusing on that made my life more miserable. You'll get there when you get there.

My ex also thinks he's super dad. He's not. But I let him believe what he wants. He's content with his very part time parenting and feels he's doing the best he can, then so be it. has karma hit my ex at all yet? Nope. I'm afraid it's going to come when my daughter realizes he isn't father of the year..... and she's realizing it.... and it will be sad when she gets older, but for her.

I am convinced my ex didn't love me, a friend says otherwise. What I think my ex loved was my loyalty. I am loyal as loyal can be, just like you. There are actually people out there who value the loyalty and appreciate it.

I did not know men cared about marriages until I came to these boards. I often feel sad an angry to see committed men who are walked all over by their wives. before I came here I actually thought guys couldn't give a crap if the woman stayed or left. Only women cared, I thought. I am actually so relieved to see there are men who care about their marriages. All hope is not lost.

Hang in there. Let it out, no one will kick you off the boards:)

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JujuB Offline OP
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Sometimes I wonder if I am a covert narcissist. I recognize I am mad at husband for daring to leave me...he had every right I guess.

Ginger, I am pretty sure husband liked me for superficial stuff. Like, I looked good on paper. Why not marry. It had been 7 years and no real reason to separate.

You voiced my feelings regarding men and relationships. I was and am kind of coming out of that belief that men want tons of space, and they want to avoid marriage and relationships at all costs. That women are the ones that force that type of arrangement on men and they get "suckered in". The guy I am dating really seems to want all the relationship stuff more then anything else. I think maybe he was lonely. It throws me off because I keep thinking "he's only like this because it's the beginning. He will be similar to my husband".


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I just read crw's thread regarding relationship while divorcing and couldn't help comparing.

So My husband left me and we have been physically separated for over a year. But the divorce proceedings are only just starting. I started dating someone and we are moving on a very slow scale. We actually met a few times in the past post BD through mutual friends and had nice conversation but because of my situation I never thought much about it. He has no kids and has never been married. I will not have him meet my son, unless we are together for a year.

I let him initiate and despite him doing everything right, I have little faith or trust in him. I am mentally prepared to end things on a drop. We didn't talk for 2 days and I was envisioning this scenario in which he stone walled me for a few weeks and what I would say to break things off. He is honest, he shares his vulnerabilities with me, he puts effort into things, he wants to get to know me, he tells me I have everything going for me and makes jokes that I am settling for him, he references us (son included) in future scenarios. I like him but in my mind, I think he will turn into my husband and I am constantly (secretly) looking for those signs.

I worry that because he has not been married and has no children that he has no idea of what type of sacrifice an enduring relationship requires. I don't want to be attached and then have him realize after the initial attraction wears off that, "hey dealing with a kid is a major responsibility and I just need to bail". Because essentially, that's what my husband did.

My family feels like I should date other men first. (They have not met him) that I should not commit. But I enjoy his jokes and conversation and the distraction, and of course I wouldn't be dating him if I didn't see potential for long term. But there are red flags too...namely his inexperience.


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You're scared and you want to run, but you like him and you want to stay. It's that approach-avoidance thing. I had similar issues and my doctor recommended a lobotomy, but the insurance company wouldn't pay for it. My recommendation is to take two aspirin and watch the movie "50 First Dates."

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JujuB Offline OP
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Hahaha. Romantic comedies are the perfect, cost efficient substitute for a lobotomy. Great suggestion.


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Quote:
I worry that because he has not been married and has no children that he has no idea of what type of sacrifice an enduring relationship requires. I don't want to be attached and then have him realize after the initial attraction wears off that, "hey dealing with a kid is a major responsibility and I just need to bail". Because essentially, that's what my husband did.


I get that J. Trust me.

The one thing that stands out with your posts is this concept about how relationships with kids require sacrifice. We've talked about it before. I know because in my relationship I felt completely neglected to the level that if I had been a dog the animal rights groups would have found me a new home. So my fear is that my future partner doesn't know the type of effort it takes not to let me be sacrificed!

So what, specifically, are you thinking you won't be able to do for your new man? Do you want mental permission to go a year at a time without sex if you are overwhelmed with life? Do you want him to know that you won't be able to spend much time with him in the evenings? Are you thinking he'll get frustrated because you can't go out to the bar at night with you on weeknights? Where, SPECIFICALLY, is it that you think he's going to feel fed up?

I also fear that a partner might lack the commitment it takes, that piece is universal. But what I feel threatens the commitment is the opposite. I can't imagine a woman truly validating and remaining accommodating of sexual needs specifically. In other words, I'm afraid of BEING sacrificed. And that hurt me enough in my M I may never talk to a woman again (DB forums aside). I fear that things will start off fine, but then she'll be repulsed, or diminish those needs as 'just sex' because it isn't crushing HER soul to go without, and consider it something I need to understand must be 'sacrificed' for the kids, career, life, and everything and anything else.

So I really do wonder what it is you need your partner to be able to sacrifice, and why you feel you are unable to provide what your partner will need from you?

My only other question is whether you think he'll change, or you will? If you can't go out to the bars now, wouldn't he understand the lifestyle of what it takes to be with someone with a kid? Do you think HE will change and want more? Or do you think you are needy now and willing to do anything to feel better, but when you are feeling better YOU won't want to have to put so much into it?

I'm not being critical at all J. Just trying to talk real. Some of this is embarrassing for me to talk about, but if you can't be real with an online community that you'll never meet face to face that cares about you, when can you?

Hang in and keep posting.


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
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Good questions, sorry this will require some sorting out and continued resentful venting.

I feel like for a marriage to work, especially one with children there has to be a sacrifice of each partner's independence. Decisions, and actions have to be chosen based on what's good for the team, not for the individual. They have to be communicated.

In my marriage everything was separate. And I think that was the underlying issue for me. We had separate accounts and I did not even know what my husband's take home pay was until I filed for child support...he would not tell me. I had no knowledge of his savings and everytime I asked, there was a huge argument. He did what he wanted regardless of my opinions or my input. He was never around and when he was he was sleeping. I ended up doing the same and that is the recipe for a bad marriage......


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JujuB Offline OP
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So basically my husband, like many bachelors, liked being able to sleep late, liked being able to spend his money on anything, liked having no demands put on him.

When there is a child, there are demands. One cannot sleep late. One cannot spend like they once were able to. Children's toys everywhere. Family vacation to Sesame Street place instead of seasons football tickets and tail gating every other weekend. A wife that no longer dresses up and physically looks and acts like she once did. Instead she's a mom.

So why would a single guy electively choose that life when it's not even his kid?


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