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(((Cherry)))

I haven't posted lately, but I have been here reading, and please know that I am silently sitting in your corner. My words to you remain the same. You WILL get through this.

You are beautiful, you are rising above the obstacles he keeps throwing at you, and you ARE getting stronger, even if it doesn't always feel that way. You may not see it today, but down the road you will see how overcoming these hardships has molded you into a better person. I believe this is the greatest silver lining for you and for all of us. What doesn't kill us, can make us stronger, if we choose to do the hard work, and you are making that choice. And under the hardest circumstances! This is why we all look up to you and admire you!

I still reserve my position that not much has changed in your sitch. It may feel that way--as he keeps throwing fireballs at you--but really his actions have been consistent all along. He has been having an A, he has been moving forward with D, he has been planning on moving out, and he is depressed/withdrawn in general. What has changed from last month to this week really? I say this because I see that each whack stings you and hurts you and I want to help you tighten your armor.

I think you know what to do. Perhaps you are afraid because you still have some hope left in your heart and if you let it go then that is the end? I recall feeling that way when I started to let go of my WH; it is a mental switch that is VERY hard to flick. I think you can do it. In fact, I know you can. I think when you release him, you will find that things get easier. He has already put you through h3ll and back, hasn't he? So by releasing him, and letting go of that hope, you set yourself free. He can no longer drag you down. Tighten that armor, Cherry, so when that baby comes, all your attention can go where you want it to go.

That doesn't mean that he won't come around some day at some time. You don't want him as he is right now and that would be toxic for you and for the babies. Perhaps one day he will help himself, get stronger, and think about his life from a healthy perspective. Then he can start making the changes he needs to make to be a good man, father, and H. Could be in months, years, or it may never happen. Unfortunately you cannot influence that. That's hard to accept, but you cannot. You can be the brightest lighthouse or the victim of all his guilt, but that will not bring back the man you want and deserve.

So what I would love for you today is to see this as a blessing and a new beginning. He can no longer hurt you because he has already hurt you in every possible way. So now that he is gone and your home can be safe, you can start to rebuild your nest with love and optimism.

((((Cherry))))

Blu


“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
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Thanks blu, it means so much for the support. You are right, I think it's just the absolute hell hes put me through the past few days has had an emotional strain on me, I'm a caring person and i know for a fact I could never do a job helping suicidal people because I'd never sleep at night for worrying about them. I've always been that super maternal figure caring about others. I think just for him to show up like all is well, act or not, and deliver that has just stabbed me somewhat more.

You're right this has strengthened me, in ways I couldn't have imagined. I wish I didn't have to learn my limits of tolerance this way. But I have. I've also learnt that no matter how broken a person is, you cannot change or help them unless they are willing to help themselves. After all you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink.

His mom is of course furious with him, but I've said maybe he really is troubled, but I can no longer be that one to be there for him and allow him to keep beating me. I said if she could keep check to make sure he isn't doing something stupid, but I cannot influence her no more than anyone else. If she is so furious that she can't deal with him then ultimately that too is up to her. But for a while, unless necessary, i.e. Involving the kids, I shall go dark/dim. I'm hoping that the somewhat physical distance with him out of the house shall help me along this next bit of my journey.

I am feeling some pain and confusion but ultimately nothing has changed. I just don't see him as a very stable person right now, especially with the suicide threats. That is a concern, but lord knows I've tried, I've gone above and beyond to help him, especially for someone fired as a wife. So now I will lean on people. The close people I work with have been amazing sending their love and support, there's a mix of people all ages, some who have been in my shoes, someone who was tragically left a widow with two young children, so I know they will love and protect me, but most of all go easy and not ask any difficult questions. I feel less like I'm living a lie which has possibly held me back a little so far.


Me 26 H 25
M 4
T 5
Baby born 4/14
BD: 1/15
EA: 2/15
PA: 4/15
reconciling: 4/15
ILYBINILWY- 11/15
ILY-1/16
ILYBNILWY 4/16
ILY 6/16
ILYBINILWY 6/16
Baby due 3/17
BD 8/16
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Sweet Cherry

Much love and hugs thinking and sending you my rainbow strength

Here for you lovely lady

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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It's ok to feel angry and hurt towards him, it's ok to think of smacking him upside the head with a lead pipe. Don't even think about whether or not you want to R with him, just focus on taking care of yourself and also throwing him a life preserver when he starts to sink. Something I had to learn was not to decide anything about my M when WH was being a particularly selfish d!ck. I just focused on what actions I needed to take to protect myself. I am still struggling with this (as you know) but I am getting better at it.

Cherry, I really feel like we're some kind of kindred spirits with our parallel lives.


M 10yrs T 13yrs
BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW
BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off
Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce
April '17-Letting go
2018 D busted
DD8, DS6, DS3
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Lovely V, thank you for the much needed hugs and strength.

Sara, I'm not sure if I even have much choice about my m, since he threw me all 3 talaqs (not sure if it's valid IF he is depressed or without witnesses). But still, he made his point enough for me to duck out for a while. But you're absolutely right, I need to absolutely focus on me and my children for now, which should be easier now he's out of the house. Less eggshells to tread, less of that where is he and what's he doing, less awkward conversations if I'm feeling particularly annoyed with him and trying to hide it. I truly do think we are, such a shame we had to meet in such crappy circumstances though!


Me 26 H 25
M 4
T 5
Baby born 4/14
BD: 1/15
EA: 2/15
PA: 4/15
reconciling: 4/15
ILYBINILWY- 11/15
ILY-1/16
ILYBNILWY 4/16
ILY 6/16
ILYBINILWY 6/16
Baby due 3/17
BD 8/16
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No it's not valid. For now speak to an Imam and get clarification on these things. You can't just permanently divorce your wife like that in Islam, otherwise she would be victim to her husband's whims and tempers. Forgive me I had typed the earlier response this morning and posted it this evening before reading your update. I am so mad at your WH right now I want to choke him.

I am thankful his ball of chaos is out of the house and you can just breathe and relax. He has chosen to burn his bridges and now you need to focus on strengthening your's. Surround yourself with love and support, you deservev every second of it.


M 10yrs T 13yrs
BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW
BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off
Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce
April '17-Letting go
2018 D busted
DD8, DS6, DS3
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Cherry, I am so sorry for what your H has just put you through. I agree with what Blu and Sara have said.

Take care of you first. Give your mil the task of ensuring H's wellbeing now.

You don't have to make any decisions right now. I can sense that you're very tired.

Like what Blu said, either way, you'll be fine. You have your legal ducks in a row. Should you decide to move on without your H, I am sure that you'll find a great daddy for your kids and a great H for yourself. You will be fine either way, so just focus on taking care of yourself first.

But I really feel like smacking your H.


You can call me Dory/ Grl.

As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"

It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
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Thanks ladies, I think there is quite a few people out to get his a$$ right now but I guess that's not my problem!

Sara, yeah I thought I would see an imam, going to get myself together a bit better the next couple days. But that is certainly on the list. I wasn't sure that it would be valid, but he walked out of the house quite happy as he said well now we are divorced. Sickening really!

I shall get up and out tomorrow. I had my day of a small pity party today, and a bit of chance to recover from the past few days of emotional turmoil.

I am glad that he SEEMED it a somewhat better place today. So long as he is alive, I guess that is the main thing. Other than that, I'm going to take comfort in the fact I can avoid him for a while. Keep seeing him and being reminded of him, and everything flaunted in my face has been something you guys know I have struggled with for quite some time. Now I can rebuild my nest and make it a calm sanctuary for me and my babies.


Me 26 H 25
M 4
T 5
Baby born 4/14
BD: 1/15
EA: 2/15
PA: 4/15
reconciling: 4/15
ILYBINILWY- 11/15
ILY-1/16
ILYBNILWY 4/16
ILY 6/16
ILYBINILWY 6/16
Baby due 3/17
BD 8/16
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Exactly. Rebuild that nest.

Surfer.


M46/W40/D8/S6/T20/M12/Separated 6/2016,W takes kids
Issues2009
Wpartying w/g.f's2013on
EA2013PAdeniedWleavesMBR
ImeetAP/EAhalts
VariousBDDates
MFCourse
WSpew
EAresumes I halt
Wrages
DBIng4/2016




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Hi Cherry, I'm glad he is okay - and more importantly - you are okay! There is a stark contrast to you desperately trying to help him and him coming back home and 'divorcing' you. I guess at this point, help from the LBS isn't really welcomed.

I'm pleased you have told your colleagues too. Sometimes it is healthiest for us to share our vulnerabilities and let people be there for us. Enduring friendships are forged in that way and I imagine people will feel extra protective with little one on the way too.

I agree with all that has been posted by others. Time to completely let him go and move forward with your life. I imagine you will feel some relief that he is gone - along with some sadness. But ultimately you will be okay - that I know.

Best wishes to you :)xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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