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So I get home and the W asks if I still want to go to MC tomorrow which has turned into D facilitating. I asked if anything will change to which she said NO. Something is a bit off.


Me 49 W46
T25 M22
S22 D18 S13
W had EA Apr-Jul 2016
Dropped Bomb 7/9/16
ILYBINILWYA
HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17
Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
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SBJ,

you really have an amazing bunch of people helping you, so in many ways you may count yourself truly blessed. I to was searching for answers, I was beginning to think I was losing it, and when I found MLC description, it all clicked for me. As you said it, it fits to a T. Also it is amazing how all our spouses act alike, it is almost like they are all reading from the same script (that's why it is actually called a script).

Go search for Sandi's 37 rules, print them out, laminate them, keep it close and reread daily. DO NOT mention the MLC to your W, or DR for that matter.

DO NOT try to fix your W, you cannot. Really, please do not even try... MLC defies all logic. Try to resist sharing the MLC theory to your friends or even worse her friends (or mutual friends), it's a hard sell in the best of cases, but mostly it will just make you look desperate.

You are in this for a long haul, do not count on it being done anywhere soon, and I mean years rather than months.

DO NOT believe anything she says, also you said that she "had" an EA. What makes you think it is over? A women does not "fire her husband" if she does not have anyone on stand by. A sad truth, but applies to about 95% of the cases. I am not saying this to rattle you, but just to give you a heads up.

DO NOT take this personally, it's not you, it's her. She has to chase her demons, let her go.

DO NOT be her "friend". Friends do not treat each other like that...

DO NOT make this D easy on her, let her do the work, you can calmly explain that is is her D not your...

Treat your W as a neighbor, friendly, but standoffish.

Axe any and all expectations, she will not come out of this hole any time soon. And as other have said, it will probably get worse before it gets better.

How much longer, before you start feeling better you ask? Well, in my case, it stopped getting worse after about 6 months post BD and it started getting better about a year or so post BD. Yo do not get better all at once, but at first bad spells last shorter and are less severe and more and more time is in between them.

Please take the time to take in all the great advice the people are offering to you. Occasionally you will try to go against the advice, because you will fill you know better, in vast majority of these cases you will be wrong, but I understand you will try. No one will hold it against you. These people are a godsend, and all of us, that are more than a year post BD, we like to pay back for the great advice and comfort we received, to help out the new folk here. Sadly this really is a club no one wants to be a part of...

Stay strong buddy...

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It sounds like you're starting to "get it" SBJ. Keep reading and posting, you're gonna be ok.

Originally Posted By: Vapo
Try to resist sharing the MLC theory to your friends or even worse her friends (or mutual friends)


Ha! I told my W it seemed like MLC about 2 weeks after BD after reading all the signs! Let's just say it didn't go over too well... grin


M: A really long time.
Crisis: 5 years.
She's still worth it.

Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
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I actually had a few of her friends say they think she is going thru MLC. 2 women and 1 guy. Not to mention her sister. The writing is in the wall. It fits.

I have a lot of work to do. Have a coaching session tomorrow and I think I will pull the saxophone out tomorrow and start again. I feels some good blues coming on. Haha.


Me 49 W46
T25 M22
S22 D18 S13
W had EA Apr-Jul 2016
Dropped Bomb 7/9/16
ILYBINILWYA
HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17
Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
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I forget who said it, but I did the STFU thing tonight. She came in griping about her sister. Complained at how crazy she is and how jealous her sister is of her. She doesn't understand why her sister treats her this way..,yada yada yada!!!

Then she asks why I'm looking at her that way. I said I'm just listening. Then she kept rambling. It was actually nice not to have to say anything pro or con about the situation.

I guess sometimes it is best to say nothing.


Me 49 W46
T25 M22
S22 D18 S13
W had EA Apr-Jul 2016
Dropped Bomb 7/9/16
ILYBINILWYA
HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17
Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
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Thats awesome!

you did good-


married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
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Ephesians 6:10-18 New American Standard Bible (NASB)

The Armor of God
10 Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of His might. 11 Put on the full armor of God, so that you will be able to stand firm against the schemes of the devil. 12 For our struggle is not against [a]flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places. 13 Therefore, take up the full armor of God, so that you will be able to resist in the evil day, and having done everything, to stand firm. 14 Stand firm therefore, having girded your loins with truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, 15 and having shod your feet with the preparation of the gospel of peace; 16 [b]in addition to all, taking up the shield of faith with which you will be able to extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17 And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

18 [c]With all prayer and petition [d]pray at all times in the Spirit, and with this in view, [e]be on the alert with all perseverance and petition for all the saints,


Me 49 W46
T25 M22
S22 D18 S13
W had EA Apr-Jul 2016
Dropped Bomb 7/9/16
ILYBINILWYA
HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17
Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
Joined: Oct 2016
Posts: 875
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SBJ Offline OP
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Vapo...as for the EA, she never admitted anything, nor did he, but this guy was someone that we welcomed into our home as a family friend. He didn't have too many friends, so we opened our home in a Christian way to him. I won't go too much into his story, but he is an ex of sorts. He is ex-this and ex-that, and seems to be a very manipulative person. He and I worked out together and talked fairly often, but obviously not as much as he spoke with my wife. In hindsight, I'm the one that left the door to the hen house open, but that is neither here nor there right now. Over a 3.5 month time span they got to be very close (phone calls/texts/lunches/coffee). I knew that they had had lunch and coffee several times, but I was unaware of the time that spent communicating until I pulled phone records later. It was enormously ridiculous. Again, they both deny anything, but then I look at the...only believe 1/2 of what they say statement.

I think that she developed this infatuation factor and that is what flipped the switch. I've seen a word floated around alot called:
Limerence (also infatuated love) is a state of mind which results from a romantic attraction to another person and typically includes obsessive thoughts and fantasies and a desire to form or maintain a relationship with the object of love and have one's feelings reciprocated.

I'm no professional, but might fit???


Me 49 W46
T25 M22
S22 D18 S13
W had EA Apr-Jul 2016
Dropped Bomb 7/9/16
ILYBINILWYA
HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17
Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,277
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Originally Posted By: SBJ
Over a 3.5 month time span they got to be very close (phone calls/texts/lunches/coffee). I knew that they had had lunch and coffee several times, but I was unaware of the time that spent communicating until I pulled phone records later. It was enormously ridiculous. Again, they both deny anything, but then I look at the...only believe 1/2 of what they say statement.



The statement is a bit more harsh than that, it is believe NONE of what they say (words they utter), and only half of what they DO (their actions).

As far as Limerence, it is a term from another online forum which really is not used anywhere else. The accepted term is MLC (Mid Life Crisis). Look it up, and also look up the stages of MLC, I think you might be amazed at what you find...

Stay strong...

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Just got off with my DB Coach...good info.

I know this is a long term approach, but DANG IT, this is nuts!

I don't know what to do next as far as the W is concerned. She called earlier to vent to me about some dealings she had with her sister. I think she was trying to get me to start arguing or maybe seeing if I'd go and tell her little sister (who is just like my little sister). I unfortunately have talked way too much to her family members in the last few months. I have given talking to all of them up.

I have a wife that is filling out D papers, my parents who now say I should treat this as a business, and nobody, but a few good friends that believe I can even save my M. What a storm this has turned out to be.

I love my W 100% and I am willing to STAND as long as I have to to save things. My eyes were opened during my coaching session as to how the W must view a few things...man I just don't listen to her...WOW! I guess I also just assumed that she'd always just be there...shocker! The joke's on me with that one.

Kind of bummed!!!


Me 49 W46
T25 M22
S22 D18 S13
W had EA Apr-Jul 2016
Dropped Bomb 7/9/16
ILYBINILWYA
HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17
Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
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