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kdvor Offline OP
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I can NOT stop crying to today. I am just so sad.

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kdvor Offline OP
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I am just so mad at myself. i feel completely out of control. I was following the rules until last night. Now that I prompted the R talk with the text i sent today, it seems I just pushed him totally away. He is not communicating with me at all.

He did say this morning, he was gonna try to work on it and work on himself. when i look at him he looks tired, exhausted, as if his soul is gone.

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Originally Posted By: kdvor
Thanks Sotto. Yes, I guess it is replay. Guess when he was showing my attention and nice to me that perhaps he was coming out of it.

My goals:

I want my old husband back.
I want a real, loving and happy family.
I want to be loved and cared for.
I want to be happy despite his actions (but I just don't know how).
I want him to believe that I love him and our marriage is worth fighting for.

After initiating the R talk and sending that text (which he has not responded to) - how does it make sense for me to now "go dim". Aren't I sending contradictory messages?


Goals are tough for me to wrap my head around, but almost all the ones you've listed are desires, not goals.

The one exception is "I want to be happy despite his actions"--that's a goal, but you need to get more specific. What does being happy look like to you?

I encourage you to come up with more goals--things you can make happen regardless of what H does.


Me: 44
H: 44
Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10
Together/Married: 22 years
H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16
H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
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kdvor Offline OP
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I guess I wish I wouldn't let his actions impact me. But they do. I am so deeply hurt and sad. My happiness is my family. This is what I live for. This is what I am proud of. Going for a run, getting my hair done, going out with friends are all fine and can be a distraction - but they are the source of true inner happiness. I don't know how to find it when my family is falling apart. I just sit here and cry and cry and cry.

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kdvor Offline OP
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I seriously can not believe i have not gotten a response to the text i sent him. I got no communication. And he will show up at some point tonight to participate in our sons 9th birthday. Seriously, how I am supposed to act?

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I am sorry you are feeling so sad and like your family is falling apart.

But you still have your family. You have your beautiful kids who love their mom. They are your family. Keeping living for them and live for you too.

You probably won't get a response to the text. Something to evaluate. Did you send it to get a response, or did you send it because you were really sorry?

How did you expect him to respond?

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kdvor Offline OP
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I know I am posting alot today. But I really feel like I am coming Unraveled. Let me try something positive. Can I have some help with a 180 here?

August: BD - Hubby is unfilled. Loves me, finds me attractive, loves family but feels empty inside. Wants attention and validation. Feels he got it everywhere and from everyone but from me. In our pre BD life, he had full freedom to come and go however and whenever he choose. He took no active role in our family, kids, runnning of the household and openly admitted and joked about it. I did everything, happily (most of the time). But felt resentful and a bit onely.

BD - 6 weeks - Begged an pleaded, tried to show him attention, initiate sex, etc. Got nothing but anger, resentment and very mean mean comments and actual including some physical abuse which he says was because I refused to stay out of his face.

Last 2 weeks - I really tried to detach, tried to move on , do other things and not ask him about what he is doing. Until last night when I initiated the R talk. Ended up in me trying to convince him to "work on it" which he wouldn't commit to. He only committed to "working on himself". Then I said I won't live like this and mentioned I have seen an attorney.

This morning - Sent text (see above thread).

Now what does my 180 look like? What things should I do? What things shouldn't I do? If I ignore him, aren't I just reinforcing his original "issue" with me? How do I do a 180 without impacting the kids?

Help!

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job Offline
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I am very sorry you are having a difficult time of it today.

First, no more relationship talks!!!! If he brings it up, you can respond or say that you need time to think about whatever he wants to discuss...but you...don't initiate them!

Second if you sent the email this morning to apologize, then let it be. It looks like you are pursuing him and putting pressure on him even if that is not your intent.

You contact him only if it's an emergency or something to do w/the kids...nothing more. The more you push for answers and commitment, the more he's going to pull away.

If he doesn't respond to your email...go on about your business. Trust me, when he's ready to talk to you, he will.
Put your focus on you and your children for now. Your kids need you now more than ever.

A 180 for you would be to leave him alone and treat him a "just a friend". You can't control him, you can't tell him what to do and you certainly can't snap him out of his crisis. The only person that you can control is YOU!

Go back and re-read what the posters have posted to you. The more you push, the more he's going to pull away...is that what you want? Be the lighthouse in the storm to him. Be someone he will want to talk to and spend time with. Be the person you were when he first met you.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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You know when a child gets free run, but actually really craves authority and attention and some structure?

I'm going to imagine maybe that's the way he was acting when he had free range and you cared for the kids. perhaps he wanted to be included, given responsibilities with the children, and he was attention seeking. This wasn't for you to know. There was obviously poor communication on both ends. He probably didn't feel important from what you described. No fault of your own, he should have been proactive, but maybe just didn't know how.

So for a 180 there is no R talk or convincing, but you ask for him to do stuff around the house or for the kids. Stuff that is important and needs to get done. Don't argue if he says no, and be sure to validate if he does it.

Sounds like he wanted to be an active part of the family, but didn't know how.

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kdvor Offline OP
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Thanks Job. So here's where it get's hard/confusing for me. We have weekend stuff with the kids. I get everything ready, and the kids off to where they need to go and he kind of just jumps in and acts as if nothing is wrong. Should I tell him to take a different car, sit somewhere else? Completely ignore him?

What if he does reach out and text or initiate small talk? Should I not respond unless it is important?

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