New LBH with WAW/Possibly WW, help Part 2

[MoveFrwd]

Hi All, a little update.

Not much to report these last few days. They've been pleasant, no talk of D or S, we've been friendly around each other too. However, there hasn't been many positive signs either. She doesn't seem as depressed, and I believe she's over the OM (or very close to it at least), but no physical contact, any poitive talk either.

She's planned a trip to her girlfriend's (flying there, no where near where OM lives) in mid November. I'm a little worried about it, but there's nothing I can do. I'm hoping it's just her getting some release time and have some fun, not going looking for other men, etc.

I'm almost through with DR, and I plan on going back over the relevant parts afterwards, but I do have questions.

When do I stop treating her like a WW, and more like a WAW, if she's not actively in A or seeking an A (and, I don't know either of those things to be true, but I haven't found any evidence, and, I've been looking for it no doubt). When do I move from being detached, giving her space, and doing my own thing to trying to include her in things, giving her compliments every now and then, basically being active in somethings, rather than reactive?

I'm not in a hurry, but I just wonder, when would my W be at the point she would be susceptible to some small attempts to woo? I guess I need to see more positive reactions from her 1st before I move to this stage. But, these are the thoughts that go through my head. I just need to be patient.

While things are going OK right now, deep in my gut, I know I've got a long fight ahead, and I am still very worried W is dead set on Separation and D. She's such a stubborn woman, getting her to change her tune will be hard.

Thanks all.

It's interesting to me that after a few days off, you updated but didnt really post much about you. A lot about what W was doing, how your interactions are, etc.

As for the middle part, in my opinion, the waywardness is more the thing than the affair. It's the attitude. I dont really think there are many cases where the waywardness ends but the WS still wants to walk away.

As for the part in blue, I think about it like this. Pretend you look at the grass in your lawn every hour of every day. You dont really see it growing. But what happens if you go away for three weeks in August? When you come back, its going to be super long. My point is that you are much better off waiting until you are that super long grass - it will make much more of an impact.

[nutts]

darknes made a good point, I didn't say anything about me and my progress.

I went jogging again Sunday morning, and it felt nice. I'm good and out of shape cardio-wise though, so I need to keep this up. Played golf later that day with some friends, went home, and got a nice sleep.

Monday, hit the gym at lunch again, after putting S to bed, I went to the bar to watch some football. My buddy couldn't make it, so it was just me, and it sucked to be honest; not many people out, and little interactions, besides the bartender.

Tuesday, gym at lunch, and I picked up some greek food afterwards, and we all sat and ate as a family (W included). After putting S to bed, the W and I watched some programs, then we went our separate way.

Today, I picked up S during lunch, and we walked around our park again, had a lunch outside, and had a good time (without W).

Tonight i'm heading out to play cards with my friends again.

So, I'm trying to fix myself (exercise and diet) GAL (golf, cards, time with son), and giving W some space as well. Oh, and no porn since the BD, since that was one of the issues in our marriage.

Again, when I finish DR (almost done), I'll go back and work on the relevant sections. Some sections just aren't relevant for me, so I'll consume the other sections again. BTW, I have DB as well as DR, should I read DB too, after reading DR, or does DR cover everything for me?

I also understand about the grass analogy, I'm going to be patient, and see how things play out.

Thanks all.

[j20a00g]

Naturally my mind would be concerned about the trip as well thinking it's a rendezvous point. But in the large scheme of things, part of the process is not focusing on her or the affair and focusing on you! In complete honesty, the A is/was a symptom and not the main issue. Same with the porn addiction. Or alcohol. Or blow. Or gambling. Something else is there to cause or allow those weaknesses to blow up. Keep focusing on your son and you. Doesn't matter if she's packing bags or lube to go see the OM, at the end of the day if you want the marriage to work or end up working and being great down the road, stay the course and focus on you and only you. Stay in your own lane. You are the absolute last person right now that she needs "help" from. You and your son....only 2 people that really deserve your focus and attention.

[nutts]

Oh man, I feel like I'm in full paranoia mode. She hasn't done anything really to make me think she's doing anything underhanded, but, if I think about her, and what she might be doing, my mind goes to bad places.

I guess the right thing is to try and not think about her, but, gawd, that's hard for me to do.

I think I've been lulled a little bit since we've been pretty good the last few days, and no R talk at all, either good or bad. Now, I'm getting all paranoid about her, when i should still be working on detaching.

Any suggestions on how to stop my mind from thinking the worst when I think about her, or how to stop thinking about her?

Update: Played cards with friends last night, got a nail in my tire, and had to change it at 10:30 pm, today I have to get it fixed. Yippee. Didn't get to read any DR.

Thanks guys.

[MoveFrwd]

I guess the right thing is to try and not think about her, but, gawd, that's hard for me to do.

Any suggestions on how to stop my mind from thinking the worst when I think about her, or how to stop thinking about her?

Apply a rubber band to your wrist.

Snap it anytime your mind starts to go where it isnt supposed to.

[TxHubby]

Oh man, I feel like I'm in full paranoia mode. She hasn't done anything really to make me think she's doing anything underhanded, but, if I think about her, and what she might be doing, my mind goes to bad places.

I guess the right thing is to try and not think about her, but, gawd, that's hard for me to do.

I think I've been lulled a little bit since we've been pretty good the last few days, and no R talk at all, either good or bad. Now, I'm getting all paranoid about her, when i should still be working on detaching.

Any suggestions on how to stop my mind from thinking the worst when I think about her, or how to stop thinking about her?

Update: Played cards with friends last night, got a nail in my tire, and had to change it at 10:30 pm, today I have to get it fixed. Yippee. Didn't get to read any DR.

Thanks guys.

You have to have discipline of thought. Idle hands are your enemy right now. That's when your thoughts drift to your W and your sitch and you end up depressed and lamenting. You know how attractive that looks to her? Not at all. That makes you look weak, pathetic, clingy, etc.

You need to flip that script. That's what 180, detaching, GAL, moving on, etc. is all about. Following sandi's 37 rules and following the 180 and the program will do two things.

First, it will make you very attractive to your W. You'll have more self-confidence, you'll be improving yourself, you'll be positive/happy, etc.

Second, IF your M doesn't survive, you'll be fine because you've detached and started building your own life.

Following the program puts you in a no-lose situation. Either way it goes you'll be fine.

As for your W's emotional health these days, the A was just ended a few days ago (bravo for that, my man, a lot of people don't know how important of a step that is). She is in mourning right now. She had this wonderful fantasy cooked up in her head where you're the devil and this OM was a knight in shining armor who is rescuing her from her hellish life. Now, we all know that none of that is true and when you're not in affair fog it looks really ridiculous. Almost laughably ridiculous. The thing is, wayward's really believe that ridiculous crap and now it has popped like a bubble and is gone. Of course she's going to mourn that until the fog dissipates. While she's mourning you have to become the absolute best version of yourself you can possibly be. The most attractive you've ever been physically, emotionally, work ethic, good judgment, leadership, etc. Spend this time being the best "nutts" you can be so when the fog clears there is one heck of an attractive option staring her in the face. You and your wonderful family.

[j20a00g]

Oh man, I feel like I'm in full paranoia mode. She hasn't done anything really to make me think she's doing anything underhanded, but, if I think about her, and what she might be doing, my mind goes to bad places.

I guess the right thing is to try and not think about her, but, gawd, that's hard for me to do.

I think I've been lulled a little bit since we've been pretty good the last few days, and no R talk at all, either good or bad. Now, I'm getting all paranoid about her, when i should still be working on detaching.

Any suggestions on how to stop my mind from thinking the worst when I think about her, or how to stop thinking about her?

Update: Played cards with friends last night, got a nail in my tire, and had to change it at 10:30 pm, today I have to get it fixed. Yippee. Didn't get to read any DR.

Thanks guys.

One way I have gotten better from full paranoia mode is to accept that I have no control over it. At the end of the day, the A has/is happened/happening. It changes NOTHING on your side. I know with 1000% certainty that my w is still having the A and in the fog. Nothing she can do with him or say to me will hurt me anymore than I already have been hurt by it already. Control your thoughts and accept that you are where you are and only you move the dial. She will test you. She will try to break you. Don't let it happen. You and your son along with any hope for a future M rely on it. Use the trip she's taking as a time to further the bond with your son and focus on you. Don't worry about what she's doing (I guarantee you she isn't thinking about what you are doing). I'm not saying that to be mean. My w (and other waywayrds) do what they want when they want with who they want. Don't take it personal. It's her journey. It may feel that it's against you (I feel it all the time) but, the reality is, you rarely if ever even pop into her head when she's making decisions on anything right now. You play a large role if it's "right now" or "ever again".

[nutts]

great advice guys, as always, I appreciate it.

fwiw, I was able to check out her phone and didn't see any A activity. I also checked her mail and other app, and didn't see anything. I was sure I'd fid something.

I know, snooping bad, but I did it anyway. I guess I feel a little better, but I know not to believe I'm anywhere near out of the tunnel.

I'll keep working on myself, and hope for the best.

[j20a00g]

How would you have felt/reacted had you found something? How would you be proceeding any differently?

Point is- your path and objective is the same regardless of what she's doing.

[nutts]

Update:

Still no R talk between the W and I, but we're very friendly around each other. Yesterday, after playing with and eating dinner with S, I gave him a bath and put him to bed, I met a friend out for drinks. Pretty low key night really, just stayed out 2 hours and came back around 10.

I found out today my W had chatted with my Friend and told him it was nice he was hanging out with me. My friend wondered aloud if she was checking that I was really with him or not.

Or she could've been sincere and was thanking him, which seems a little weird I think.

Anyway, I'm not reading anything into it, I'm going to keep doing what I'm doing, but I do plan on throwing some nice comments to her now and then, see how she reacts (you look nice today, I like that dress, etc.). Would that be OK, or still keep away from that?

I'm still a little paranoid though, so hard to stop thinking about her. I do OK when I'm doing something, so I guess that's the point of GAL. Tomorrow I'm going to a beer fest with friends, so that should be fun.

I have 1 more chapter with DR left I think, then I'm going back over relevant pieces.

Thanks all, and good luck to everyone in their R's.