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Can I get some feedback --- if W calls A off and never admits it -- is it best to pretend you never knew ? ( assuming you see the actions and behaviors you need to see-- you just let the secret stay with your W )


I think that would be a personal decision. Some people choose to bury the secret and go on with their M as if the A never occurred. Others feel they would be living a lie if the truth did not come forth. Like Bond said, reading the DB or DR book will help you understand what is right for your situation. Also, understand that choosing to not confront about the affair at this time, does not mean to never discuss it. Again, these are personal decisions. Whatever you've read on other threads, are personal experiences or view points from observations, etc. My advice is to get better acquainted with DBing before you jump into something you won't know how to handle.

You know yourself. Could you go the rest of your life without saying anything about the A? The next time you and W get into an argument......will you be tempted to use your intel for leverage? Will it always be at the back of your mind, eating at you? Would you feel your MR is a lie, b/c of this secret?

Perhaps you are an avoider, and had rather bury it, instead of bringing it up. Maybe you will see your W putting effort into the MR, and you think if you bring up the subject of her A, it will make things much worse. These are the things only you can decide for yourself.

My point is that you need to read, read, and read more.........and do NOT jump into telling your W anything until you know what the heck you're doing. This appears to be a difficult task for some men. tired Do nothing to get a reaction from her! Work on you becoming a confident man. You can be decisive without being controlling.

I have a question. Did your W say she wanted out of the M? She said she wanted to live there, but what about the MR? It was unclear to me.

Would you say the MR has lacked a certain passion?


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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W said she wants to live here and stay in the M and move forward with me.

She knows she has not been herself lately although this she has done both - hold herself accountable and blame me.... depending on what talk we have had over the past days.

We he MR did lack passion. I am not sure I could describe it though. Since I am a dumb man. Sex is frequent. But I know that is not it. She said that I have been more present in that past months. She would like to have more quite dinners with me and more dinners with the 4 of us-2 kids--- we eat around the kitchen island a lot at different times. So the other night she put a candle ina heart shaped crystal dish out as the two of us ate dinner toward this idea.

Passion---- I need to think about this more. When we first met, I could not keep my W off of me and I did not do anything. and of course it grew into a routine..... uhg. I will think some more


H (me) 52, W 42
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Besides what Sandi wrote I think you are getting way ahead of yourself.

Is this an offer on the table
for her to want to be back in the marriage?

Or are you just spinning all the possibilities?

One of the first things I say is keep your expectations at zero?
This is probably not going to play out the way you are thinking right now.
Knowledge is indeed POWER and you need to arm yourself with that.

Right now we want to teach you how to fish,
we don't want to give you the fish as that will be exhausting.
Once you learn how to fish you wont go hungry.


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I asked my W -- if we could start over like we just met today. Forget about whatever happened yesterday and move forward. What you should want in a MR. (with me). This is what she wrote-----


If i just met you "today", and we were to discuss getting married, these are the types of things that would be important to me.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(you took all the below mentioned words from me already)

Accoutability- There is no blame game. Each of us plays their part in the ways of the world and owns the repsonsibility. We accept our own failings.
Honesty/Trust/transparancy- Openess... say what is on your mind... in a respectful way. When I do this, I want to trust you will be open and accepting to the topic of the conversation. Of course you dont have to agree... but atleast listen and be open. I once heard someone say "Say what you mean, and mean what you say".
Respect- I wont degrade, belittle or make you feel inferior. I might discuss my opinion or point of view, but i would do it in a constructive manner with only the intent to be helpful. I would be sensitive to your feelings.
It would be important that we understand each others life aspirations and goals, whether personal or career wise. I have a great job currently, and I might need to know if you plan on moving to Siberia to live like a Neanderthal. I realize these goals and said aspirations are dynamic and can change and evolve over time.... so continuing communication is necessary.
It would be imortant that any adverse feelings are discussed in a timely fashion so as those feelings do not become a burden and or hindrance and or contribute to the dimise of our future relationship. I know that harboring feelings can lead to break down in communication between people in general and eventually the relationship.
It would be important that each of us participate in each others interests.. for instance if you happen to like football, I can spend the time with you in such an event becasue it is something you find "joy" in doing, and I would want to do things with you... just to be with you, doing something you enjoy.... maybe in the future i may like to take care of a lawn... or decorate a christmas tree... with you :-)
Since at this point of meeting you....we know nothing about each others family: However, it would be imprtant to me that (and this probably falls under participating in each others interests) that we each participate in the extended families. I'm close to some of my family members, so it would be great if you and i would be able to visit with them and spend some quality time.
If we ever have kids, a marriage with kids.... we both participate in the their daily lives, they are afforded time with us in individual and family as a whole. Each parent is resposible for making the child feel important and loved. They would be our kids.. not mine only and not yours only.
Its a little far in the future, but I would get a lot of gratification if our future kids could say, "I want to have a life/relationship lke mom and dad" I would most definitly perfer to be the example they aspire to follow than to not.
Balance- Everything requires balance to keep order... relationships with people are no different. I understand this can happen, but its important to me that you and i would be aware and care enough at those times (should they happen), to reaccess and find our balance again.
I love you -my name- she put my name here


H (me) 52, W 42
M 15
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Found out Sept, confronted Oct
NC with OM since Oct, remorseful
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OK so do her actions match these words?


And is there anything in what she wrote that STINGS you?
If there is then that is something for you to work on and improve.


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She is showing these actions.

I need to think about what stings still... it is not clear to me how I feel about never mentioning A - I will need to think more about more. I do know that I would rather be with her if she can do these actions versus not be with her. I do love my W....


H (me) 52, W 42
M 15
D14, S12
PA June and Sept 2016
Found out Sept, confronted Oct
NC with OM since Oct, remorseful
Dating since Nov
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Originally Posted By: Steady9
Honesty/Trust/transparancy- Openess... say what is on your mind... in a respectful way. When I do this, I want to trust you will be open and accepting to the topic of the conversation. Of course you dont have to agree... but atleast listen and be open. I once heard someone say "Say what you mean, and mean what you say".

So you think her actions match these above words?

My guess is she is setting you up to trust her even though she is lying about her affair and deceiving you.

What do you think?


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This could be more than she wants to do this -now. And forget about yesterday. But this is why I feel hesitant and listening


H (me) 52, W 42
M 15
D14, S12
PA June and Sept 2016
Found out Sept, confronted Oct
NC with OM since Oct, remorseful
Dating since Nov
Joined: Oct 2016
Posts: 111
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Meant to say-- this is she wants to do now. Versus revealing yesterday


H (me) 52, W 42
M 15
D14, S12
PA June and Sept 2016
Found out Sept, confronted Oct
NC with OM since Oct, remorseful
Dating since Nov
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Originally Posted By: Cadet
Originally Posted By: Steady9
Honesty/Trust/transparancy- Openess... say what is on your mind... in a respectful way. When I do this, I want to trust you will be open and accepting to the topic of the conversation. Of course you dont have to agree... but atleast listen and be open. I once heard someone say "Say what you mean, and mean what you say".

So you think her actions match these above words?


It's interesting to me that her first words are about accountability, honesty and transparency.

And yet, she has not told you about the affair.

So I would say that no, her actions dont really match her words.

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