Honestly, I'm not sure how to start or what to say, as this is my first post here. I guess I can start with some back story.
My wife and I first met when we were 12. We instantly hit it off, and ended up "dating" for a while (you know, kid stuff). Well, a few years later, she moved across state, and I thought I'd never see her again. Throughout my teens, I dated quite a few people. Developed relationships, tried to find love, etc. I found myself comparing every single relationship to "the one that got away", and realized that I had already found love in someone that was no longer in my life. I realized that I had actually loved her since I was 12, and thought I wouldn't be able to do anything about it. Well, one day when I was 19 or 20, I ended up drinking a lot to get my courage up, and I messaged her. I poured my heart out and told her how I've felt for those years. She told me she felt the same way, and we instantly hit it off again. After a few months of the long-distance thing, I moved across state to be with her. We've been together ever since. I've fallen more and more in love with her with every passing day. We've now been married for 5 years. We have a daughter together, and I adopted her son several years ago. I love him like he's my own.
Well, roughly 1.5-2 months ago, she told me she wanted a divorce. She said she no longer loves me, and doesn't want to be miserable for the rest of her life. This was a complete shock to me, as I thought we were doing great. Turns out, she's extremely good at pretending like nothing is wrong. She definitely had me fooled. I've tried to find out what happened to us, but she says it's only the little things that added up to be a huge problem she can no longer ignore. Things like I didn't do housework often enough, or I played video games too often. Small things like that. During this time, I have tried to change everything. I no longer play video games at all, and I did everything around the house so she wouldn't have to lift a finger. She says it doesn't change how she feels.
So two weeks ago, she kicked me out of the house. I had to move back with my parents, because I have no where else to go. I've tried asking for counseling, and her exact words were "I don't want to fix this, I don't love you, and nothing is ever going to change that."
I'm completely devastated. I'm broken, and I don't know what to do.
In these past 2 weeks, I think I've broken every single one of Sandi2's 37 rules.
Also, I found out that she's been talking to another guy, who is semi-local to us. He's about an hour away. Since 9/30/16, they have exchanged 9500 text messages, 250+ photos, have spent hours on the phone together every day, and also have driven the hour to spend time with each other. It also turns out that he is married as well.
I'm completely broken, but I want nothing more than to win her back.
Is there any hope at all for us, or will I end up in an even worse situation if I keep trying?
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely: Consider this your homework.
Hello WNT - Im sorry you find yourself here. Id start by reading as much as you can from the HW post Cadet linked.
Then Id look at this sentence here. Id work on figuring out what it will take to fix yourself.
You may also consider reading the 5 love languages. Sounds like your W is keen on Acts of Service (housework) and Quality Time (video games). Doesnt mean to apply them to her NOW, but it will help you get a better understanding on what it means to love and be loved, I think.
I poured my heart out and told her how I've felt for those years. She told me she felt the same way, and we instantly hit it off again.
WntHope,
Was you wife married back when you poured your heart out to her? I'm not making any judgements; if she was married at the time, it'd imply a modus operandi.
Welcome my friend, I feel for you, I really do. I'm new here too and only 6 weeks down the line from my W walking away. I cant really comment on your situation myself as I'm still trying to find my own feet, but work on yourself, concentrate on your children and try not to read too much into what she says.
Try not to over analyze too much (much harder than it sounds, believe me). But above all else, be kind to yourself!
M - 36 / W - 32 S - 3 Together - 18 Yrs / Married - 10 Yrs Bomb Dropped - 4th Sept 2016 Moved out - 4th Sept 2016
Thank you. I will absolutely be looking at the links Cadet provided.
I don't know what to do to fix myself. It's probably common, but I'm completely depressed, and have been having anxiety attacks. I have no interests anymore, and I feel no emotion. It's like my mind shut everything off so I stop crying all the time.
I have been considering both the original 5 and the 5 for men just to try and get some insight.
I have been focusing on the kids, but I can't focus on myself because, frankly, I just don't care about myself right now. It's going to take time for that.
I overanalyze everything. I never used to, but these last 2 months have changed me. I'm obsessive, paranoid, distraught, destroyed. I'm doing things I KNOW I should absolutely not be doing (reading her emails, checking the phone bill logs for texts and calls, etc. etc.) but I can't stop doing them because then my brain goes nuts.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
